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Windows Into My Soul

Its time to write about the donuts….

This story is not about just donuts or dreams or time collapsing into itself or the ego’s love of status. It is about all these things and more.

Dunkin Donuts

A couple of weeks ago I had some chance encounters at my favorite Dunkin Donuts. I go there every morning on my way to work and typically buy a breakfast sandwich and a caffeinated beverage ( so it is not really about donuts after all.) I have been frequenting this establishment for years. It is on the way to my old job that I left two years ago and I like their quick service and convenient location. What is interesting is that my current route to my new job has me drive near the offices of my two last employers! Like I said it is a great location. Did I mention that during the three years I have visited this particular franchise that  I have rarely seen anyone here that I know?

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So about 2 weeks ago a woman taps me on the shoulder as I wait for my iced tea. She is the medical records manager from my job of 2 years ago. This encounter does not qualify to be a bona-fide Collisions piece, but it was interesting since I have never seen her here when we worked together. A few days later, I see another coworker from 2 years ago in the parking lot of the same Dunkin Donuts. We will call him Greg. He was a coworker/ quasi supervisor ( it is a long and boring story so I will spare you.) I mention that I saw one of his coworkers here just a few days before. He says I look happy. I don’t know if I felt happy but I was glad that he was interested in my well-being.

 

Who is following me?

Fast forward to this past Monday. I am attending a training in center city Philadelphia for a few days. The event is located in a lovely art deco style skyscraper near the heart of the city. I worked in this very building about eight years ago and have not been back since. Within a few minutes of my arrival I see Greg, the same coworker who I saw in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot. I said to him “Are you following me?” with a hint of laughter laced with anxiety/ paranoia. I saw the list of trainees beforehand and no one I previously knew was on the list. After I see him, a former office mate from the very same job walks in. He is a fellow Scorpio sun with a Gemini moon and a royal **** ( my shadow perhaps?).  I call his name and say hello. It turns out that these two were added to the training  class at the last-minute since they were unable to attend when their agency was scheduled.

* Conveniently forgotten detail/Mercury retro glitch?

While descending on the elevator with my current team on the second day of training, I quickly spy a former colleague from 8 years ago. I did not remember his name, but he looked exactly as I recall from 2006. I would have greeted him had I been able to compose myself before he exited into the lobby. Why did I forget to mention this when I posted yesterday? Blame it on Mercury if you like, but I think my subconscious mind was just protecting me from over stimulation. He was someone who I was fond of, and I hope he is content still working for the same organization after all these years.

So here I am with my staff from my new job being reunited with my coworkers from 2 and 8 years ago in the very building in which I once worked  8 years ago!

Now here is where it gets really strange..

On the second day of the three-day training I decide to sit by the window. There is more room to put all my stuff and I can disengage a bit from the crowd. The weather is hot and sunny and I glance out upon the stunning skyline. I feel my heart race a bit faster and a tinge of excitement washes over me. I have seen this very view before!

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  This picture above is not an exact replica but  it will suffice.

As I marvel at the stunning architecture and the way the light cascades over the various structures, I realize that I have seen this view many times. I immediately recall being shown my new office eight years ago. It was huge and somewhat disconcerting. I had just left my employment with the city and had landed a promotion in the private sector. The job was at a non-profit but the atmosphere screamed grandeur and elegance. What really grabbed me was the view. I was up close to twenty stories high and the view was magnificent. While I was only a few blocks away from my city office, I might as well have been on another continent. The air was rarefied here.

The Bellevue beckons

During my lunch break in 2014, I waltzed across the street to the food court at the former Bellevue – Stratford Hotel. I have dined here many times before, but not recently. The streets had an excitement and energy that was electric. Many of the people were dressed in colorful, unique styles and exuded confidence and originality. I remember wanting to be one of them back in 2006. The film The Devil Wears Prada had just come out and I identified a bit with the lead character. I was evolving just like Anne Hathaway’s character did as she began to adapt to her new role in the corporate food chain.

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After I devour my Reuben sandwich at the food court, I scurry upstairs to window shop. I walk into Nicole Miller after I eye the fabulous dresses in the window. I still feel a bit intimidated perusing the aisles of high-end designer apparel. I am so taken with the delicate ivory wedding gowns, one more stunning than the next. After that I visit a Swiss chocolate shop and indulge in a small chocolate hazelnut confection that was worth every penny ( and calorie !).

I want to return to 2006 as the woman I am now. I want to relive this time with the knowledge that status and title mean nothing. I had forgotten how much I wanted to be this person that was inconsistent with my true nature. But I had also forgotten how excited and alive I felt before my dreams were dashed and disappointment and regret set in.  I knew that recapturing pre – disillusion 2006 is not likely, so I go back upstairs and reclaim my window seat.

Ready for the dream sequence?

Somewhere in the midst of all this alluring ambiance and time bending activity, I have a flash of insight. I once dreamt about seeing Greg in a center city skyscraper! I go home after the last day of the training and begin to search my dream diary to find the dream. I guess that it was fairly recent so I review my entries from late 2013 and early 2014. I discover nothing. I read every last one over and over, still coming up empty. Did I really have such a dream or was it simply that I failed to record it anywhere?

Tonight I went through my all-purpose journal in the hopes it may resurface. I am pleased to report that I did write it down and the dream occurred on 11-28-12. It seemed so recent in my consciousness, but in fact it took place 1 1/2 years ago, before I even began this blog.

The dream itself was very complicated and included people I know ( former coworkers such as Greg ) and TV characters. Themes of work and home were prominent, as were elevators and keys and new beginnings among people from my past. My goal is not to do a dream analysis here, but to point out the parallels between the 2012 dream and my 2014 “reality”.

The glorious view

I relished that amazing view yesterday during the final day of the training. I wanted to keep it close for safe keeping. As I traveled back to the train station at the end of the day, I walked at a leisurely pace. I took in the sights and sounds and marveled at the bohemian jewelry in the boutiques.  I also treated myself to pineapple sorbet at the gelato shop. I fondly recalled how I once savored the decadent gelato flavors before becoming lactose intolerant. However, the pineapple sorbet was scrumptious and satisfied my sweet tooth momentarily.

Back in 2006, I associated the spectacular skyline view with prestige, power, and status. Sometimes I  wish I could live in that space just a while longer, but it is not possible. While my ego is still quit robust, I am so past that illusion that superficiality is the key to inner peace. The glorious view has a new meaning for me now. It symbolizes excitement, creativity, possibility, and change. No-thing is static and  experiences often tend to blend into one another.

I continue to be dazzled and mesmerized by the events of these past couple weeks. Why did these coworkers re-emerge now and not earlier, since I have been going to this Dunkin Donuts for close to five years? Was my dream pre-cognitive or perhaps a parallel reality that has morphed into my primary one? Does moving up in an elevator translate to the future and descending down lead to the past? Am I reading too much into to the fairly common encounters one may have with former associates who work in the same field within the same city? Can symbols in waking life take on the same significance as those attributed to the dreamscape?

I do not know the answers to these queries, but I believe that some force field is nudging me to pay careful attention to these events. I am really glad I did record this dream back in 2012, and I will  certainly continue to gaze into the windows of my soul.

 

all images from Wikimedia public domain 

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Sadness at Solstice

Tomorrow morning at 6:51 AM EDT the sun rolls into the sign of Cancer and the Solstice begins: Summer in the Northern Hemisphere and Winter in the Southern Hemisphere. Let me take this time to say that people from at least 106 countries have visited litebeing chronicles and that is humbling. I try to be mindful of the diversity of my readers, particularly when describing astrological world events. Every continent is well represented and I want to say thanks for your time and interest!

Tonight’s post is not what I expected to produce a few days ago. I am not feeling the excitement and glow of the longest day of the year and the start of Summer. I am feeling Chiron’s sting. Chiron went retrograde ( in my first house) today at 8:44 AM EDT.  I have not felt so sad and defeated in quite some time. It has been a very arduous and tedious year, nothing like the wonder and awe of 2013. But tonight I feel a deepening well of sorrow in my heart. The heaviness and hopelessness is palpable and my requests for guidance have been denied. Where are my guides?

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I just realized as I edited this photo above that today marks the 2 year anniversary ( during the rare Venus transit) since I resigned from a potentially fulfilling but ultimately soul – devouring job. I am feeling some of those same feelings and asking many of the same questions, perhaps with a slightly different twist. I am reliving childhood wounds of rejection, isolation, alienation, judgement, criticism, and betrayal. I feel victimized, set-up to lose, misunderstood, and ignored.

The new twist on this shadow-dance is I am asking myself if I need the lessons anymore. Perhaps it is practical to recognize that some challenges are not worth fighting and some situations are not worth my time and energy. If only I could be sure! There was a time when I told myself that if I attracted a new person or situation into my life , the sheer manifestation was reason enough to embrace the lessons that accompanied the opportunity. Eventually I discovered that having a new boyfriend or moving to a new apartment did not equate to finally “finding the right one” or ” living the dream ” ( pun intended) !

Sometimes less is more or the lesson is how to let go and move on…

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Chiron

 So I am going to let the sadness be within me and feel its weight. I am not going to fight or resist. I will let myself live with the emotional currents and ride the waves of NOW.

take a listen:     wanna shadowbox?

 

in light and dark – litebeing

 

 

Chiron image courtesy of wikimedia public domain

http://freerangestock.com/

Gemini Moon Magic

 

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“Gem Moon Mandala” by AmandaSeesDreams of http://www.Dreamrly.com

 

Welcome to the collaborative lunations of Gemini moon pals, LitebeingDreamrly, and yours truly, The Ptero Card. Yesterday marked the Gemini / Sagittarius full moon of 2014, and through our mutual love of art and writing we’re combining our efforts for a few reflections on our experience of lunar Gemini in our natal astrological charts. Each of our contributions was produced independently, without consultation other than assigning the art work to Dreamrly, poetry to Litebeing and intuitive writing to me. We present here the fruits of our work which we hope enhance your own lunations, where ever they may take you.

The basis of astrology, an ancient wisdom practiced by nearly all pre-scientific cultures, comes from the understanding that external cosmological events have a corresponding affect on our interiority, because human disposition is a microcosm of the macrocosm, or, as the ancients say, “as above, so below.” I suspect the exterior and interior worlds, until quite recently, were experienced as a more unified whole, both symbolic, and meaningful. To the ancients, the visible planets were the gods, each personifying a particular disposition and influence on us, according to our chronological birth placement in their world. The disposition of the cosmos at the moment we enter the world drama, is mirrored in our personality, character and fate.

I often wonder if a cultural agreement that suggests nothing can be true without first being scientifically verified, has cut us off from the ease of intuiting meaning, eroding our trust in the value of personal experience, to the point that we are no longer free to, or sometimes capable of, grasping the immediate animal sense of a thing or event. So, bring your own intuitions to this reading and imagine with us the myriad ways we encounter the moon and the Gemini twins.

Compared to other visible planets, the uniqueness of the moon is evident. 235,000 miles away from earth, she has the closest presence to us in the vastly huge, night sky. As the only planet that revolves around us, her presence and power is both seen and felt here on earth, from the mighty ocean’s tidal motion, to her stabilization of earth’s orbit, we need her. A force capable of pulling the oceans closer to our earthly islands, must certainly have some sway over our watery bodies. Unlike the sun, the moon seems exotically present with no perceptible purpose other than delighting our senses and drawing us outward. Her closeness and visual beauty are too hard to ignore and have served so many throughout the ages, from sailors to poets, from lovers to madmen.

Remarkably, the moon’s rotation is synchronized to her revolution around us, so that we only ever see one side, her dark side remaining forever hidden from our earthly view. It’s no surprise that we may be less aware of her influence. The man in the moon is now the man on the moon; us, and without a deep practice of the lunar skills of reflection that she gives, we risk losing her gift of seeing in the dark, and mistaking her imposing reflective moods and feelings as brain chemistry. With no place or time for occasional lunacy, feelings and reflections are unwanted by-products, brain states we seek to be rid of.

Astrologically speaking, in what ways does the moon affect us? I am no astrologer, and there are many resources available from those whose studies of the ancient art offer much wisdom. What I offer here are my intuitions.

Traditionally, the moon influences our emotional life, the coming and going, waxing and waning of cycles that affect us and any creature with a fluid and watery nature. Besides feelings, thoughts and senses are also fluid. In alchemy, the moon is the queen of the heavens who unites with the solar king, forming a marriage in which cooperation, devotion and love are united in service of the Great Work. The moon’s whiteness may also be significant. Alchemically, whitening is the stage that moves the work from the black and blue periods in which the base materials are yet to be purified. Whitening is an initiatory stage in which much knowledge is gained through the art of reflection. The lunar mind helps us go beyond the physical realm for spiritual knowledge and experience.

Moon placement in the natal chart perhaps shows the ways in which lunar influence affects and styles your senses, perceptions, reflections, and therefore your relationships not only to others, but to all that is differentiated from yourself. Lunar pals Litebeing, Dreamrly and I have our natal moon in the sign of Gemini, the twins. Initially, Gemini may be experienced through some form of duality. Perhaps duality manifests in different ways. For me, I think it manifests as a heightened sense of opposition, ambiguity and separation between self and other, driving a need to articulate distinctions and give voice to them through ideas, language and music.

 

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Image: Artist Unknown

 

I find the symbolism of the twins ambiguous. Twins may share an identical nature, and yet in mythology and historically, they are frequently seen battling with each other, as Cain and Abel, or in stories of the evil twin. Opposites we see, can share a likeness, as they appear together and depend on each other as in the Gemini twins, Castor and Pollux. According to Wiki:

“When Castor was killed, Pollux asked Zeus to let him share his own immortality with his twin to keep them together, and they were transformed into the constellation Gemini. The pair was regarded as the patrons of sailors, to whom they appeared as St. Elmo’s fire, and were also associated with horsemanship.”

So twins may look the same, but may be oppositional, and, or complementary. Either way, we have an image of two selves facing each other, or two sides of one coin. Like the moon itself, Gemini is a relational influence with dual aspects, so this placement in a natal chart may heighten some deep, ambiguous feelings about self and other. True for me anyway.

Much of my life’s work has been to make peace with the sense of an ambiguous, often conflicted, sense, of not only myself and others, but also of ideas and feelings, some of which remain slippery, inconclusive, up in the air and unsettled. But each effort to solidify thoughts and ideas about who I am, who you are, or attempts to define this mysterious existence, only brings pain and disappointment. Like Gemini’s ruler, Mercury, or Hermes, traveling, communicating and intellectual movement are vital to me. Perhaps blogging itself, is one more stone-heap left here for all fellow travelers.

— Ptero9

 

Next, a lovely poem from our resident astrologer, Linda of litebeing chronicles, shedding light on the lived experience of a Gemini Moon Goddess!

 

Lunar babbles

 

Chatter, breathe, jump, sing,

Laugh, scream, analy-zing

Heart and mind racing together

Yet the split appears forever

 

The smell of paper, words in my hands

Fill me with excitement, freedom from demands

Hand me the keys of a quick, shiny ride

Throw in a CD, sound/motion collide

 

Chatter, breathe, jump, sing,

Laugh, scream, analy-zing

Heart and mind racing together

Yet the split appears forever

 

Quick wit so handy to block my pain

Why not let Mercury have free reign?

Jabber, chuckle, wax poetic

To hide my fear, how pathetic!

 

Chatter, breathe, jump, sing,

Laugh, scream, analy-zing

Heart and mind racing together

Yet the split appears forever 

 

Lovin’ the teacher, but nary the lesson

Hermes’s so sly, always guessin’

Take every shortcut, prefer the easy

Inner currents prevail, surface seems breezy

 

Chatter, breathe, jump, sing,

Laugh, scream, analy-zing

Heart and mind racing together

Yet the split appears forever

 

Need to know, compelled to ask

My soul’s calling, a sacred task

Yearn to uncover hidden glory

Encoded within each human story

 

Chatter, breathe, jump, sing,

Laugh, scream, analy-zing

Heart and mind racing together

Yet the split appears forever 

 

poem written by litebeing chronicles © 2014

  

 

 We end our lunations with a few words and images from AmandaSeesDreams of www.dreamrly.com, who came into this world on the night of a full moon, and has long felt a deep connection to moon’s voluptuous power.

 

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Photograph by AmandaSeesDreams of www.dreamrly.com

 

The moon has always owned me in some ways. I have always been entranced by her beauty, by the one side she shows me, by her silent currents ruling my state of mind. I find it impossible to sleep when she is full, the waters of life flow through me with such vigor I am almost forced to admire her. She fills me. Over the years I have taken photographs of her crescent, of her full bare body, of her red eclipse. She even shows up when my inner child comes out to play, painting from the heart, with abandon…

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I paint my dreams of sailing through the unconscious, but not without a purple moon.

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 I paint my daytime visions of buffalo medicine, but not without a purple moon.

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I paint my twins, honoring the gemini gift of balancing complex ideas and communicating dual truths – mixing pleasure and pain, fingerpainting bright colors that soothe a conflicted soul. Sweet Gemini Moon, gifting me with giggles and tears, pensive contemplations and wild dances in your light. Dear Moon, I love you, and am faithfully yours, for you chose (little old) me to live inside.

Love, Amanda

 

 

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Oh Nooo, Mr. Bill, Mercury Retrograde is Coming on June 7th!

I really hoped it would be different this time. But it is the same. Mercury officially begins its retrograde motion at 7:56 AM EDT on Saturday June 7th. The transit takes place in Cancer and moves back into Gemini. Right now emotions are raw and untamed with Mercury in early degrees of Cancer. The DVR is acting up. My commute to and from work is a congested mess, complete with detours, utility work, and general confusion. Communication problems are running rampant, especially at my new job. Tried as I might to find the best starting date,having used all the astrological tools at my disposal, no dates were good and mayhem has ensued. I will not describe the details, but I will say that I am wondering if it is worth my time and energy. I am at a place in my life where I do not want to waste my time and energy.

Michael Lutin discusses how transiting Mars will be passing over Saturn’s position during the rare Venus transit of June 2012.He predicts that many of us will experience a haunting or two. I am feeling this way about my job. I have been here before and I do not know if I want to be in this situation in the future. Been there, done that. Projections, scapegoating, manipulation, and deceit, good times, not so much!

I have much to ponder.

There is much more to the story of course, but Mercury is intensely triggering these dynamics for me. To those who say these transits are easier for people like me with natal Mercury retrograde, I wonder if any of them actually have the placement themselves. I do not find it easier at all.  I really hope we can thrive during this transit and eventually see the promise of movement and energy fulfilled in this Year of the Horse. 2014 has been a slow motion year so far, a cosmic traffic jam that has fenced in the Horse and kept him immobilized for months. Late July may be the light at the end of the tunnel.

But until then…..

Some of you may be old enough to recall the early years of Saturday Night Live. I really got a kick ( pun intended) out of the Mr. Bill skits. With Mr. Bill all starts out well, but inevitably life gets messy. But fortunately, Mr. Bill always survives to live another day and has even resurfaced decades later in Subway commercials and other campaigns.

I guess if he can make it, so can we!      Mr. Bill

 

image courtesy of wikimedia commons, public domain

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Spiritual Development: The Otter Returns!

This blog is about noticing and celebrating the extraordinary in the ordinary, the miraculous in the familiar, and sharing how these experiences transform my daily life. About seventeen months in, I can clearly say, this has been quite a ride!

With all the excitement and adventure and joy, there has also been many disappointments, obstacles, conflicts, and losses. Lately I have been feeling very overwhelmed, fatigued, dis-eased,  confused, and sad. This weekend I have taken some time to work on my mood.  I meditated, took a walk, listened to an interview about Angels on the Hay House Summit, prayed, talked with friends,  chilled with Dexter, and watched Super Soul Sunday. I asked Source to solve my latest array of inevitable problems for me as I know they are beyond my control. I also asked for signs of guidance.

Yesterday a sweet red bird came up on my terrace, but Dexter reacted quite strongly and the bird took flight in a hurry. Then just a few minutes ago, I saw a rather large squirrel-like creature walk across my back yard. Upon further investigation, I noticed it was an otter.

About 1 year ago around The Summer Solstice, I had my first otter sighting and blogged about it here. It has become one of my more popular posts, thanks! So I am taking this opportunity to re-post some otter information, and then combine it with a random passage from Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth  to gain some clarity into my current situation.

Here’s a picture of an Otter and some background on its nomenclature and symbolism:

Bernard Landgraf http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/deed.en

Otter

The word otter derives from the Old English word otor or oter. This, and cognate words in other Indo-European languages, ultimately stem from the Proto-Indo-European language root *wódr̥, which also gave rise to the English word “water”.[1][2]

An otter’s den is called a holt or couch. A male otter is a meowter, a female is a queen, and a baby is a pup.[3][4] The collective nouns for otters are bevy, family, lodge, or romp, (being descriptive of their often playful nature) or, when in water, raft.

Otter Power Animal

Otter’s medicine includes woman’s healing wisdom, sensibility without suspicion, guidance in revealing ones talents, psychic awareness, faithfulness, recovery issues, understanding the value of playtime, primal feminine energy, joy, playfulness, prognostication

There are 2 kinds of Otter, the river and sea otter. They are linked to the primal feminine energies of life – the elements of both Earth and Water are present in Otter medicine.

Otters are regarded as the masters of play by the Native American and Celtic cultures. Observing an individual otter or a family of otters shows us that it’s possible to view life as a game to be enjoyed, rather than a burden to be endured. Living is not painful, it’s a gift. Life is too short to worry so much. When you were younger, like most children, did you feel like you didn’t want to become old and didn’t want life to get serious, or maybe you wished you could grow up and then once you became an adult wished you could relive your childhood as life was too serious now? Are you now too serious? If yes then otter is just right for you for you will be shown how to play again, it will help you find your inner child.

Native American Zodiac Meanings

Otter: Jan 20 – Feb 18
A little quirky, and unorthodox, the Otter is a hard one to figure sometimes. Perceived as unconventional, the Otter methods aren’t the first ones chosen to get the job done. This is a big mistake on the part of others – because although unconventional, the Otter’s methods are usually quite effective. Yes, the Otter has unusual way of looking at things, but he/she is equipped with a brilliant imagination and intelligence, allowing him/her an edge over every one else. Often very perceptive and intuitive, the Otter makes a very good friend, and can be very attentive. In a nurturing environment the Otter is sensitive, sympathetic, courageous, and honest. Left to his/her own devices, the Otter can be unscrupulous, lewd, rebellious, and isolated.

 

Eckhart Tolle ~ A New Earth Passage

On page 148 in caps it reads, HOW THE PAIN – BODY FEEDS ON DRAMA

Pain – bodies love intimate relationships and families because this is where they get  most of their food. It is hard to resist another person’s pain – body that is determined to draw you into a reaction. …. It is raw emotion looking  for more emotion.  The other person’s pain body wants to awaken yours so that both pain – bodies can mutually energize each other.  ….  It is almost unbearably painful for a young child to have to witness the emotional violence of their parents’ pain – bodies, and yet that is the fate of millions of children all over the world, the nightmare of their daily existence.  That is also one of the main ways in which the human pain – body is passed on from generation to generation.

 

So what is the healing take-away from the otter symbology and Eckhart Tolle’s understanding of the pain-body? I immediately recognized that I can be way too serious and left to my own devices, my pain-body can run a muck and create more drama. I am afraid that I have also inflicted my drama onto others as a result of my pain-body being triggered. I see that adding more play into my daily routine, harnessing water and earth energies, stopping my tendency to worry in its tracks, and continuing to nurture my inner-child are strategies that will help me be calm and centered.

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Spring 2014 © litebeing chronicles

I want to leave you with this statement taken from Native American Zodiac Meanings for Otter: “In a nurturing environment the Otter is sensitive, sympathetic, courageous, and honest. Left to his/her own devices, the Otter can be unscrupulous, lewd, rebellious, and isolated.”

May we always remember, especially in times of perceived darkness, that we are never alone and do not have to resort to actions because we feel we have no other choice and are left to our own devices.

references

http://en.wikipedia.org

http://www.shamanicjourney.com/article/6178/otter-power-animal-symbol-of-primal-female-energy-faithfulness

 http://www.whats-your-sign.com/native-american-animal-symbols.html

header image – wikimedia public domain

otter image by Bernard Landgraf at http://en.wikipedia.org    http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/deed.en