Musings at the Crossroads

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SPOILER ALERT: Lots of poinsettia and introspection ahead….

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Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah , Merry Yule, and Happy Kwanzaa (December 26) to everyone associated in any way with this blog. You are my circle, my precious litebeing family, and I wish you boundless joy and love during this Solstice/Yuletide season.

You may enjoy listening to some of my favorite holiday music as you read on:

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There is plenty on my mind that needs sorting and releasing. This hodgepodge style post is mostly for me, but hopefully it will be interesting enough to read through. Way way overdue, so here we go…

High-way hazards: My commute to work is reasonable in duration but part of the trip is on a notoriously treacherous road. Years ago Robert predicted I would be in a major accident on this road. He sternly told me to never use it again, especially during rush hour. Robert was not always accurate, but he managed to frighten me nevertheless. The drivers are very aggressive and reckless and it takes some construction of armor for me to make this daily commute. But the near misses have occurred in other locations. About 6 weeks ago I had a vision after awakening where a white pickup truck or SUV would come at my vehicle from the right. It was so vivid and strange because it was not a dream, but a semi-awake ” scene.” A few days later, driving home on a very familiar road, a white SUV comes at me from the right and almost slams into my car. I drove into the opposing lane, which fortunately was clear. I only had been driving my new car a couple of weeks at the most. Then last Sunday I am trying to get some coffee before heading to a holiday party. It was incredibly crowded in my neighborhood and the energy was frenetic. Another huge, high-end SUV almost slams into me from the left lane. I prepare for a head-on collision and slammed on the brakes. The vehicle just missed me but I felt like I was attacked. I got out of the car, examined my vehicle and walked up to the driver, an older, well-appointed woman. I told her to be especially careful driving such a large vehicle. She declared that she did not hit me and seemed indifferent.

I think this incident triggered my GI pains the next day, which I thought might be diverticulitis. I was in shock at the holiday party and a bit off at work the following day. On the drive home I felt like a creature was kicking me from inside my belly. I went to the doctor and was put on antibiotics. Was it stress related IBS or diverticulitis? Per usual, I have no clue. What I do know is that I hate driving in a world where people poorly manage massive vehicles, text, and make calls while operating them.

Blue-Christmas: I have always felt alien during this time of year and this has not really changed, regardless of any inner-evolution. While I marvel at all the lights, trees decked out to the nines, and poinsettia in every color and permutation, I don’t understand this holiday. I do understand it is borrowed from pagan traditions and correlates with the beginning of Winter ( the Capricorn season), but emotionally it doesn’t click. I just don’t get it. I am inside my bubble where none of the festivities are able to enchant me. Being at work just amplifies my isolation. It took awhile for me to put it together, but working outside the home triggers more sadness and angst and increases my desire to build up my defenses. I do not fit in at work and am actually considering applying for new jobs in the New Year.

I have also requested a transfer to my friend’s position after she leaves. It may signal a new beginning with different co-workers and a nicer office. I find it so interesting that when I begin a new venture I am immune initially to the characters that emerge on the scene. At this juncture, so many of them resemble people I have encountered before. With the exception of my clients, my life has not been impacted much by having these “new” people in my stratosphere. I am still grateful though to be working and earning money. It is just that I continue to find myself in toxic settings and am beginning to conclude that it is not me, it is the state of office politics. On the positive side of the ledger, my supervisor approved my plan to create a new group for the young and/or newly diagnosed. I am excited about building something original based on my passion for helping people get back to the business of living. I will keep you updated.

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Traditionettes: I just made up this new word to describe some of what I set up for this season on a regular basis. Since I do not celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, there is not much to do. However there are some elements that bring my comfort and peace in a small way. I would seek out eggnog every December until I became lactose intolerant. Boy do I miss that drink, a concoction that tastes like a boozy milkshake. Maybe I can find a lactose – free version.  I always listen to the Nutcracker either on CD or on TV. I have been fortunate to see it live at least once and it was spectacular. Speaking of nuts, I have not eaten any whole nuts since April 2015, but I do enjoy nut milks and nut butters, etc. I am very enamored with chestnuts, going back to enjoying marrons glacés over ice cream as a child. I found chestnut cream this week ~ pureed chestnuts with vanilla and sugar. It is addictive! Try it with ice cream or yogurt, dip chocolate in it, spread it on a baguette, or straight out of the jar!

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I usually purchase a poinsettia and place it on the dining room table. I enjoy experimenting with nuanced colors and patterns. They add a warm glow to any setting. This year I chose one with peachy leaves, resembling autumn foliage. This plant is not poisonous for pets and has such a storied history. Learn more about poinsettia here.

Fate and purpose: I continue to ponder who is driving this bus, meaning, who is the ” me ” that enjoys the Nutcracker and dips chocolate in puréed chestnuts? How or what is the source of my love affair with astrology and Indian cuisine? Where does my affinity for writing and obsession with pattern and color originate? Is it personality or Divine guidance, ego or Higher Self ? Joe Dispenza states that what we anticipate through intention or intuition is really what we are destined to have in our lives. We just get a sneak preview of what fate has in store for us. Matt Kahn says that everything is fated, but the degree of worthiness we attribute to our circumstances determines the outcome. So I ponder: if all is determined beforehand, why desire anything? What is the point? Who is doing the desiring anyway? Any thoughts on this?

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Rudolph’s friends: While listening to the end of Matt Kahn’s video yesterday, I noticed some movement in the backyard. At first I thought it was a dog, but I sensed much  more activity. I observed and counted at least 10 deer hanging out in broad daylight. A few of them were actually prancing around, which seemed novel to me. A stray cat emerged out of central casting, moving slowly and seemingly oblivious to all the deer activity. It truly was a whirlwind of activity! I am quite fond of deer and was happy to have them congregate near me, albeit briefly. So today I was gifted a free subscription to Carrie Hart’s power animal site and selected a power animal for the day. Guess who choose me? the buck! The central message for buck is grace, confidence, and renewal. This definitely seems fitting and the synchronicity between the deer sighting and choosing the buck adds more energy to the message. Perhaps this was a faint taste of holiday magic for me to savor.

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Last Christmas: While preparing this post, I was conjuring up memories of some of my favorite holiday songs. Some of these include Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses. BandAid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas, Do You Hear What I Hear?, Anything Nutcracker, Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song, Father Christmas by the Kinks, and George Michael’s Last Christmas. Most of these are pop songs by contemporary artists that I grew up with. They are touchstones that give me the illusion of safety and comfort. Just like the chestnut cream or eggnog, they are cozy and soothing. They also help me mark the passing of time. I just learned that George Michael passed away at age 53. I first heard his music when he was in Wham and I found his voice romantic and soulful. Many of his songs were part of the soundtrack of my early adulthood. He was so much more than a pretty face; his voice was gorgeous and his lyrics were incredibly moving. I do not know if he died today, but it was announced today, on Christmas. His song Last Christmas helped me gauge the passing of each year and the direction for the future. Call it ironic but one of his most iconic songs partially foretold his future. His life would end on Christmas, his last one.

chestnuts image courtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain

Published by litebeing

Seeking magic and awe in ordinary moments

24 Comments

    1. Hi Julie and happy 2018! I really liked your sentiments and have reflected on them for a few days. This is a time to celebrate and be with others as we move towards the light. Simple and wise words from my dear friend on the West Coast.

      Happy to have you still in my orbit 🙂

      love, Linda ❤

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  2. I will endeavour to put into words what my feelings are Linda but what I want you to do is to analyse your own statements.. And I will try to add my thoughts at the end of them..

    You said
    “I find it so interesting that when I begin a new venture I am immune initially to the characters that emerge on the scene. At this juncture, so many of them resemble people I have encountered before. ” (interesting as many of our patterns repeat themselves)
    Before this you said.

    ” I do not fit in at work and am actually considering applying for new jobs in the New Year.” (( Is this another of those patterns?? ))

    I found the warnings of the White SUV in your Lucid Dream state to be quite significant..
    You said
    ”
    I prepare for a head-on collision and slammed on the brakes. The vehicle just missed me but I felt like I was attacked. ”
    You went on to say that

    “I think this incident triggered my GI pains the next day, which I thought might be diverticulitis.” ((As our Solar Plexus is our emotional center this is very very interesting ..
    Can you look back upon when you have had your flare ups previously and see any emotional issues that perhaps have trigger or brought on such attacks?? ))

    Listen to the language you speak.. as you tell us what you hate. 🙂

    “What I do know is that I hate driving in a world where people poorly manage massive vehicles, text, and make calls while operating them.”(( Could it be you dislike the travelling to and from your job and it’s not necessarily the job you are not fitting into, but the stress of driving upon such a busy road which you have said yourself is a notorious accident spot which your dreams now have you fearing them to happen??)) Our Dreams often reveal much more below the surface of our inner most fears.. ))

    Have you sat down to analyze why you feel Blue at Christmas Time.. Did something in your past or childhood bring about bad memories of this time of year?

    You said

    “Blue-Christmas: I have always felt alien during this time of year and this has not really changed, regardless of any inner-evolution.”

    I have picked out these things Linda as I feel they are important.. The SUV is now very prominent within your thoughts because of your Dream.. So you are looking for them. Expecting Danger. You like your own space, both on the road and within your work environment I am guessing here..

    You are searching like most of us are to find that which satisfies us where we feel most at home, doing the most good. Where our intuitive feelings make us feel at one with our surroundings and we know that this is what we are meant to be doing..

    Yet at the end of your post you said this..

    “Matt Kahn says that everything is fated, but the degree of worthiness we attribute to our circumstances determines the outcome. So I ponder: if all is determined beforehand, why desire anything? What is the point? Who is doing the desiring anyway? Any thoughts on this? ”
    (( I picked up the word ‘Worthiness’ here Linda ))

    You said
    “I am excited about building something original based on my passion for helping people get back to the business of living. I will keep you updated.”
    Maybe this is the Key.. To focus on what is your passion.. For you help so many I know, both within your daily work and within the blogsphere.. But you should also concentrate on YOU.. YOUR Passions and What it is that Lights Linda’s Fire.. You ARE WORTHY… to put yourself FIRST..
    I Feel when you do this Linda.. When you really go within to ask yourself these Deeper questions you will then See there is Point, that its OK to honour our desires, and that while destiny plays a part.. We shape our destiny into being via our dreams, thoughts and actions.. Pulling to us those experiences we focus upon the most..
    So I hope you will un-think the story of the SUV.. And instead think as you travel to work each day, that you are blessed, and your angels surround and protect you at all times.. Knowing you are aware of dangers is great that you can avoid them.. But sometimes when we expect the worst to happen we can also draw that to us also..
    I hope I have not offended your brilliant capacity that I know you hold for analysing things.. But I hope I have given you another perspective in which to ponder and reflect..
    I say all of this because I love and respect you.. And I want you to find your Inner Happiness.. and Be at Joy in your everyday work..
    Love and Continued blessings.. from a woman who knows nothing..  But who keeps following her own thoughts.. And I would expect nothing less than you put me straight when you see that I need guiding..
    And you did Ask.. LOL.. Anythoughts on this.. haha..
    Love to you my dear dear friend..
    Sue xxx ❤

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    1. Hi Sue,
      It is such a generous gift to take the time and really pay attention to my thoughts. I do this for others as a therapist, but not many listen to me that intently. While I am not offended, I will say that I understand most of my conclusions, especially since I thought deeply about these topics prior to expressing them here.

      I am blue at Christmas in part because I grew up with Jewish holidays and most Jewish kids will tell you it basically sucks to be Jewish at Christmas. It is like visiting a country with a language you do not understand and no one will translate. The more Christmases I live through, the less I understand the point. This is also in part because my spiritual views evolve to the farther reaches of possibility. When you realize more and more how reality is NOT REAL, the Earthly events lose power.

      Regarding my job and the commute, I do hate the pressure of the commute, but that is not why the job is a problem. Once I complete the commute I am able to switch gears. However, I thought your analysis here was worthwhile and I thank you. I do not think Robert’s statements about this dangerous highway (its reputation for accidents predates his opinion BTW) have helped matters, but my vision was a premonition that came true. I rarely see things with my third eye while awake, so this was novel. I do not think the vision altered my beliefs and caused the events. I think the premonition warned me of possible events. Sue, you know how this works!

      However, it is plausible that we can buy into self-fulfilling prophecies, but that starts with a belief system, not a visualization of an event.

      Thanks again for the feedback. It is okay for me to question and to feel exactly how I feel. I am not looking for others to change my feelings, but rather to share their philosophies about the topics raised here

      your genuine caring about me means a great deal to me ❤
      Linda

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  4. You do ask hard questions..lol. First before delving into answering the question, it was a very interesting read and I am very glad that you are safe from any accidents! Good luck with the job and well, the thing about working in an office environment..or just with people in general – politics..hehe.

    Now, as for your question if everything is fated then why do we need desire. Well..from what little I know, I feel that desire is something that is human in nature. I mean, Buddhist teachings mention that desire is the root of suffering, doesn’t it? I feel maybe what you mean by desire is this feeling of a quest. Of moving towards experiences that enrich us? And well, isn’t that the plan after all…to gather these experiences and move toward who we truly are..a oneness within us?

    That’s my take..hehe.

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    1. Thanks Shree for adding your thoughts to the discussion. Your answer reminds me of the Neal Donald Walsch book The Little Soul and the Sun, which is an exceptional book very cool for adults too. The book explains who Source’s desire to know its enormity requires individual sparks of light to lower into form so they can learn by experience. I am not sure how I do this anymore, as I do not see the point. Maybe something will change and I will feel differently.Maybe this immersion in the workplace has drained me of passion or energy or both. It has been an adjustment.

      thanks for joining in.

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  5. I love reading about your Christmas holiday period… although eggnog is just so awe-full! I decided many years ago to make Christmas everyday, in as much as celebrating YOU and everyone we come into contact with… AND enjoying the abundance of quality food and drink… water and red wine. Tom and myself do exchange cards, writing in our gratefulness of each other. Destiny… is a word I didn’t understand for a long time, under I spent time with Jake and suddenly the penny dropped… for me it all depends on who’s observing, the Human or Divine self! How great to get to create a new group… enjoy it and remember it’s not meant to be easy to escape our angel colleguees that seem to hang around wherever we are. Love to you and see you again in 2017 x barbara x

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    1. Your answers made me reflect and I appreciate that very much. The Quakers see every day as a holy-day and sacred, no one day more special than any other. I like that sentiment ( and eggnog, lol!)

      I agree who is observing any event is crucial in determining one’s perspective. Maybe the ego/personality sees free will where the Divine sees completion of a particular series of probabilities being realized. I am referencing some of what I gleaned from endless viewing of the What the Bleep film. I highly recommend it if you are not familiar.

      Happy 2017 ❤

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  6. Thanks for sharing, Linda.
    Congratulations to the approval for a new group at work. It is great that you get the opportunity to follow your passion.
    I love eggnogg and chestnut cream, too. Veeery addictive. Unfortunately, both items are not available here.
    Hope your health gets better and you won’t have any big cars coming at you in the future any more.
    Hugs,
    Karin

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    1. Hi Karin,

      Good to know you have tried chestnut cream. I tend to like foods that are an acquired taste and now I crave this confection all the time! I just started the group and it is slow going but the response has been positive. I am happiest when I can do what I want and am left to my own devices!

      I wish you also great health and the freedom to be you.

      hugs, Linda

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  7. Hey Linda 🙂

    Could I let the holiday season pass by without easing into a comfy chair by your glowing hearth and musing on your musing whilst the festivities rage with earnest beyond the soporific warmth of eggnog and chestnut puree? 🙂 Of course not! Seasonal Greetings to you and yours Linda, and sincere best wishes for the new year ahead. I wish thee an auspicious year brimming with prosperity, personal fulfilment, opportunity, and peace in all ways 🙂

    ‘Musings at the Crossroads’ put me in mind of the final scene in Castaway where Tom Hanks pauses momentarily at the intersection of 4 roads with all but an impression of a cardboard angel to guide his very next step. One imagines he made the final choice freely for himself and chose to pursue his destiny to its rightful conclusion without coercion or regret. His actions had me speculate on the nature of destiny and our individual relationship/understanding of it. I concluded that it is acceptance of a divine authority at the fundamental level which prompts our choices, defines our reasoning and impresses our will into action. And yet without the motivation and courage to always try, to always endeavour and to always reach beyond our grasp with unimpeachable honesty, our blind faith, belief and love are not sufficient to manifest all that is intended for us as individuals. I am not an Astrologer, but find sense in the statement, the Jupiter-Uranus opposition, forming a T-square with Pluto, is urging us all to follow a feeling, and not merely a philosophy 🙂

    I was very pleased indeed to read that your encounter with white SUV’s and manic drivers left you merely shaken and not hurt in any way. Having experienced similar circumstances several times before in my life, I fully appreciate how a brush with death, and hence a sudden realisation of our mortality, reveals the true depth of our love and longing for life, and how truly sacred and precious it is to us, and by extension, how minuscule and ephemeral our troubles and concerns might truly be 🙂

    Regards the changes in your working environment. I too have recently changed offices, returning to my home town rather than needing to endure excessive travel each day. My transition has been largely successful in that I am very fluid between environments having moved many, many times throughout my life and settle very quickly. What has been surprising however, is that I am not able to readily shake-off the deep-seated feelings I have about my employer, and in particular the arrogance, conceit, and self-effacement of the senior managers who populate my working space, and who by extension, promote a culture of greed based on an insidious propensity to safeguard their own jobs whilst massaging the ego’s of their piers, and protecting the illusion of a respected organisation. The reality is that few are worthy of their title or station, and most remain unwitting lap-dogs to their puppet-masters. The organisation itself serves a larger political agenda and as such is subject to the despicable ways and lies of politicians: tentacles of power reach to poison the very best efforts of those who work hard for the population at large. I do not think you are in any way alone in your feelings and sentiments regarding the nature of office politics, I am certain such thoughts are endemic in all walks of life. It is a reflection on how far the world has been moved to pander to the machinations, perfidy and Machiavellian ways of capitalist driven economies worldwide. It is not democracy but tyranny and a demand for servitude. I think we should all fight for freedom from such corruption before they lead the world into a black hole far deeper than that in which we already exist.

    I recall a post you once made featuring deer who occasion your neighbourhood and was drawn to the feeling those powerful, pure and beautiful creatures incited in you. To have them return at this auspicious time of year must fill your heart with joy again. The stray cat, unencumbered by their presence made me smile…what other animal would lead the eye towards such a sight without hesitancy or pause for thought? Cats are beautifully mysterious 🙂

    And lastly, because I seem to have written far to much already….I once met George Michael in a small village called Radlett in Hertfordshire, UK. He was present at his mothers home whilst I endeavoured to fulfil my duties as a window-cleaner! As i recall, both he and his mum were quite charming and made an exceptional cup of tea 🙂

    Thank you for a great post Linda: one in which we delve a little deeper into the mystery of Litebeing herself 🙂 I’ll take my leave of your comfy fireside chair, and allow you to further enjoy the displacement and confusion that Christmas provides and hope that both the egg-nog and the puree continue to please.

    Best wishes in all ways for always and always 🙂

    Namaste

    DN – 26/12/2016

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    1. P.S: Have you ever heard of The Belbin Test? The Belbin Team Inventory is a behavioural test, also called the Belbin Self-Perception Inventory, Belbin Team Role Inventory, SPI or BTRSPI. It was devised by Meredith Belbin to measure preference for nine Team Roles; he had identified eight of those whilst studying numerous teams at Henley Management College.

      https://www.123test.com/team-roles-test/

      We took the test at work early last year, and it produced some interesting results. I scored 12, the only member of staff from 500 people to do so. Not sure what that says about me per se, but I enjoyed being the only one! lol 🙂

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      2. Hey Linda,

        I shall endeavour to provide an answer to your question Linda when I return to work after the holiday period. If I haven’t kept the material they provided (I may have it filed) I shall seek an answer from the facilitator of the test and advise accordingly 🙂 Whilst I took note of the outcome at the time, I cannot recall the exact details to be clear with an answer today.

        I am however pleased that you enjoyed participating in the test. Did the results surprise you or generate an expected outcome? 🙂 Innovators with passion to pursue goals to their rightful conclusion are normally held in high regard and pivotal within a team 🙂

        Namaste

        DN – 26/12/2016

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      3. Hey Linda,

        Having received a reply from the facilitator for the Belbins event at work last year, I’ve been informed that my score of 12 was in the category of Plant. Seemingly, I was the only Plant growing in the garden where I work 🙂

        The following brief overview was included in their reply.

        Plant – Tend to be highly creative and good at solving problems in unconventional ways

        Strengths: Creative, imaginative, free-thinking, generates ideas and solves difficult problems

        Allowable weaknesses: Might ignore incidentals, and may be too preoccupied to communicate effectively.

        Don’t be surprised to find that: They could be absent minded or forgetful. A little like having ADHD, or so I am told? 🙂

        Hope that helps conclude the Belbins post 🙂

        Have a great week!

        Namaste

        DN – 20/02/2017

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      5. My pleasure Linda 🙂 Thank you for kind and affirming words, and for your participation in the Belbins Test. One hopes you enjoyed your result as well and will continue to celebrate your creative drive and passionate ingenuity 🙂

        Thank you for the smile 🙂

        Namaste

        DN – 20/02/2017

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    2. Hey Dewin,

      Your commentary is so colorful and extensive that I do not know what to say or where to start, but apparently I have already started 😉 I like your take on fate versus reality. Free will is illusory on one level , but in reach on yet another level. I operate more often on the level beyond the mundane where the games I once played regarding achievement, success, etc, seem trivial at best. Cynicism or enlightenment, who knows?

      I am most interested in your meeting with George Michael. He made you tea? So glad you met him, a great memory you shared. He was quite troubled apparently , but many creative types are tortured,,, ahem…. 😉

      I am flattered that you remember some of my posts in such detail. Yes I like the creatures and my affection for them increases over time. I saw this deer display ( with 1 cat for good measure) as a sign of guidance or grace. I pray for more as I am tired of cold weather, dark days, and all that accompanies such weather and season. I typically feel better in February, but I cannot say for sure as this Planet is increasingly unhinged.

      Namaste, Linda

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