Who Are You ? Part II

This is the next segment in the Who are You? series that examines my ever-shifting identity. The first installment addressed my ancestry and where I came from. This piece considers my current state of being. I have been busy, mostly internally. I find that many of my attempts to entertain myself have fallen flat as I realize that time is fleeting and I need to be employed. Can’t you hear it, tick – tock, tick – tock?

September is here. It is Labor Day in the US, the unofficial end of Summer. I have visited September months ago in my mind and now my thought form has manifested. There was a time, an innocent time, when September lifted my spirits simply by arriving. I can still visualize shiny new brown leather shoes, ready to be broken in. And then of course came the pièce de résistance, September Vogue. It wasn’t really the actual clothes themselves that set my heart a flutter, as I am not a fashionista at all. For me, the excitement was in discovering the new trends, color schemes, and accessories for the fresh new season. The September issue was huge and bulky, filled with exotic advertisements that promised fulfillment of dreams. If only it was so simple now.

I work tirelessly to prevent sinking into a permanent blue mood by following passions, curiosity, and/or hunches. Sometimes following the thread leads to peace. Other times it leads to bleak uncertainty.

Here are a few examples of what I am into now :

What I am doing: I take myself places that have historically altered my mood in a good way. While I am a vastly different person spiritually, certain activities still whisper a promise of joy.  Movies, art museums, walks in nature, restaurants, visits with friends ; I have tried them all.  My latest trip to the Phila Museum of Art offered up close and personal views of wonderful creations, but the trip itself was unpleasant and exhausting. Yet, I was able to capture some images to share with you.

What I am thinking: I have been working on raising my vibration and resisting the temptation to stay in fear and hopelessness. I have been bombarded with childhood memories triggered by spending time on my High School Reunion Facebook Page and watching a certain television series ( to be explored later in this essay.) The memories are sweet and bitter, but not bittersweet. Some recollections are joyous and others are ghastly. There are also a few that don’t really register much emotion, more of a hmmmmm.. I am often balancing my need to problem solve with the desire to be in the flow. This often trips me up. The past few weeks has resulted in many electrical and technological challenges, before and after Mercury retrograde. Cable, Internet, Laptop, landline, kitchen fixture, thermostat, full throttle power outages, often intermittent and without warning. The newest wrinkle is I can call out on my phone, but no one can call me. This does seem like a metaphor for my identity at this moment. I feel that others don’t see me, hear me, or value me. This does not mean that I am not seen,  heard, or valued, but that my perception is distorted. I feel very disconnected or invisible most of the time.

Searching for work has brought out my cynicism and resentment. These personal traits do not suggest high vibrations.  As with most issues,  I vacillate between strategic thinking and letting go. When I let go, I feel like I ought to be doing something practical. While in problem solving mode, I consider that I am trying too hard and need to slide into the moment and align with Source.

What I am reading: Just like most activities, I read more than one book at a time.  Its how I roll. But  Playing the Ascension Game by Diana Stone has been an unusual diversion that may turn out to be a “game changer”. Diana Stone was an astrologer, shaman, author, and Aquarian provocateur. I do not recall when I got wind of her, but eventually discovered her website and got on her mailing list. Her newsletters were long-winded but quite enthralling. Withe her Sun on my Ascendant, I found a true partner in crime. We corresponded a few times and she even read my blog! She was best friends with the awesome astrologer  Donna Cunningham, who I also had the privilege of knowing online. They both departed recently and Diana’s passing prompted me to buy her book. It is written in a conversational style and covers so many topics on metaphysics. It is close to 500 pages long and is close in size to that September issue of Vogue! It reads like a diary of the coolest kind, as she recounts her experience with traveling to several dimensions and uncovering all sorts of bizarre occurrences. Her  accounts in the Coffee Chronicles lead me to drink a vanilla latte today after a long break from all things coffee. Her book makes me see miracles again, even if only vicariously. It reminds me that I once lived this way. It is THAT compelling. This isn’t really a review, but get your hands on this book.

What I am viewing: I am perpetually viewing something, or so it seems. Black Mirror, Q Anon videos. Matt Kahn. Gaia TV, WordPress blogs ( yea!), articles on Ascension, job listings, Facebook posts, emails, etc. Note how I include all screen activity as viewing. It is not the same as reading off-screen. Tonight I will focus on one series that has me blissfully distracted. The AMC series Mad Men has become an addiction that leaves me wanting more. The show is about a Manhattan advertising firm in the 1960s. It focuses on several characters, but Don Draper is the big fish, if you will. He is a man with a flimsy identity ( sounds familiar?) who exhibits complexity, compassion, and recklessness. He is a tough nut to crack during a very tumultuous time in our planet’s history. I watched a few episodes while it was airing, but have taken to binge-watching it now via Netflix. The series begins where I began, in New York City in 1960. Watching this show allows me to experience some of what was happening in my childhood, but now as an adult. I lived through most of this decade, but was too young to really taste it. The narrative emphasizes how hard it must have been to be female in mid-century America. Women were called girls and were treated  mostly like porcelain dolls or whores. Expectations were low and alcohol seemed to be running from the faucets. Watching this series helps me understand how my parents were socialized. The field of advertising fascinates me, from the artistic angle. I considered briefly entering this field as a writer. In high school I discovered that one of my classmate’s father was in the business. He showed me a little about what goes on behind TV commercials and I was captivated by his insights. Advertising still strikes me as a fascinating blend of  psychology and art, although I am less and less a capitalist with every breath I take.

Don Draper is played by the actor Jon Hamm, who happens to be a Pisces. He is also a recovering alcoholic who spent some time in Rehab. According to Google, he also was in an episode of Black Mirror! Gotta love those synchs. His Piscean persona is so evident in the Don Draper character. His aka could be Dapper Don as his character is so well put together, at least externally. Tall, handsome, creative, charming, and sometimes sensitive. He is also a chronic liar, womanizer, and escape artist, expert at shape-shifting and manipulation. A stunning example of a wounded soul painted over with a illusory handsome veneer.

Jon Hamm happens to be a great actor in a series that contains an excellent ensemble cast. At times it seems like I am watching an old fave The Sopranos, because there is an overlap between big business and the mob. The other parallel is more subtle, but so powerful. Many of the most profound scenes are portrayed without dialogue. What isn’t being said is what stands out here. This creative technique was also very skillfully executed in The Sopranos.  I wonder if some of the writers worked on both shows. Update: Damn I’m good! Just read an article about Mad Men creator Matt Weiner that said that he wrote a couple of Sopranos episodes. Either I am psychic or a really great observer of television writing or both!

I continue to be smitten with subtlety as an expression of life. What isn’t said is often more palpable than what is spoken. The role of the observer is closer to “real” than identifying with a bunch of cells encased in human flesh. The less obvious, more nuanced messages and clues often lead me out of darkness these days. I do process and receive the dark, but must admit that sustained light has been a scarce visitor these days. The numerous diversions and distractions rarely lead me anywhere solid. I am learning to adjust to living an untethered life. But it ain’t a cakewalk, this ascension business. I am not giving up, but am definitely struggling. Fortunately there is so much more to watch on Netlflix. I will take refuge wherever I can nowadays.

As I took in this sculpture last week at the Art Museum, it revealed a subtle message to me. The Bob Marley tune Three Little Birds entered my mind.

Don’t worry bout a thing, cause every little thing’s gonna be alright.