A Heartful of Wonder

I have created this piece for my Divine Mission-Possible blogging challenge. Visit here for all the details and to see the schedule. Interest in participation has been low this time around. But you can change that in an instant!

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This topic of life mission is an easy one for me to address because I ruminate about it all the time. As I entered middle age and witnessed the loss of many of my friends’ parents and many of my relatives, the grip of time became tighter. Time continues to speed up so fast that when I plan events many months in advance, I recognize that they will arrive in what appears to be only a week or two. So what have I done so far and is there a point to my existence?  I have felt quite depressed for the past few weeks, considering if I have veered way off course. It is so tempting to focus solely on the regrets, errors, losses, pain, and disappointment.  But such a narrow perspective can be a distraction from where this sea of memories has transported me thus far.

I was a very quiet, reserved child who felt different and in the way somehow. I spent plenty of my days passively observing the world around me. My sensitivity, curiosity and imagination have been profoundly obvious from the start and it took me some practice to cultivate the gifts they could provide. The ability to delight in the grace of artistry have given me comfort beyond description. When I was able to transcend early despair and woundedness, I could access joy through a kaleidoscopic lens.

So much pain created so much chaos, but the correct people and opportunities presented me with the ability to discover what moved me. Writing, astrology, and spelling of all things, taught me how to channel my imagination, wonder, and visual acuity into form. I think that I was a great speller because I had an uncanny ability to visualize words. I no longer possess that ability, but excelling and competing in spelling gave me confidence that was sorely needed as a child.

My love of beauty led me to draw as my curiosity led to studying astrology. Drawing still relaxes me and conversing with a client about their birth chart brings all the analysis and attention to symbols and patterns to life. It is so natural to understand why certain aspects of mysticism are effortless to me now. I honestly prefer what comes easily to me, but that is not what I apparently signed up for. If earthly life could only be an impressionist painting, waiting for me to dive in and immerse my soul in its delicacy and shimmering rays of bliss?

I do relate to the idea of a lightworker and have for quite a good while. I was around before the harmonic convergence, before ” New Age ” became a thing. I was coming into my own during the swirling, hazy Seventies, where the experimentation and boundary blurring of the Sixties had shaped our Western world through a technicolor lifestyle. I decided while in high school that I wanted to become a therapist and a writer, and make my impact on brightening up the planet. Like many of us, I longed to fix the brokenness around me and inside me. I retain some of that idealism, but am much more incarnation-fatigued than ever before.

I came here to heal, teach, inspire and share cumulative knowledge through the occult, psychic/intuitive abilities,  creative impulses and wit. Yeah, I came in naturally witty ( Moon in Gemini). It has taken decades to see a clear path through my lineage and probable past lifetimes here and elsewhere. While the specifics are not absolute, the residue has led me to this conclusion. I am not certain about all the other labels we humans like to give ourselves, but I have been taught since my twenties that the planet would be transforming in a radical way. I do not have distinct memories of planning this lifetime, nor am I being informed of this by guides. Working on myself and serving others has provided me with this inner knowing.

Am I grateful to be alive here and now? Not usually, no. The past 6 years or so have been incredibly terrifying and heart wrenching for me a good deal of the time. I have written extensively about the difficulties so I will not rehash them again. The grip on my neck is tightening and the stakes are higher. Or they seem to be. I am not always clear on how much more hardship is in store for us individually or universally. I do feel that I am on a mission and that without all the early blows and ancestral damage, the motivation may not have been in full force. I have read from several sources that old-time lightworkers lost their way because they became inundated with the harshness of the material overlay that can hinder the development of consciousness. I know this is true for me. But I have not given up, not entirely. On countless occasions, an unexpected, often subtle sign would appear, helping my melt away my despair, albeit temporarily. The more I love, the more my heart opens. The more vulnerable I allow myself to remain, the greater is the likelihood of pain and grief to penetrate my soul. But here’s the thing; my soul is so much bigger than little I, so much stronger than this body that I am renting by the hour. So I do the best I can, and when I need to rest, I rest. A full heart is a mixed blessing, but in the unlimited realms from where we all originate(and currently reside in parallel realities), blessings are infinite.

images courtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain