A House is Not a Home

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Thanks to the magic of Google maps, I do not have to take a new image to show my childhood home. I lived here from the end of 6th grade through junior year of college. The house was white with light blue trim originally but my parents decided on a chocolate brown upgrade.

I recently learned that my mother sold our house to move into an older adult apartment community, aka retirement place where people go to die community. I know this is strong language, but I am speaking my truth. She has wanted to sell even before my dad died, over 10 years ago. I do not know if I will get the chance to see it in-person one last time before she vacates.

Here’s the thing: I spent most of my childhood in various apartments in four states from birth to age 11. I had 4 homes from 2nd through 6th grade, including going to two different schools in separate states for both 5th and 6th grades. We finally “settled down ” when I was 11 as my parents purchased this modest home in a predominantly affluent housing development. It is the only house I ever lived in, with a yard and separation from neighbors. This meant privacy and less noise ( outside of my family dramas). Why my parents could not wait for the summer to move says way more about how I was parented then anything else. My moon in Gemini in the fourth house would speak to the frequent disruptions, but damn, my dad was not in the military!

This ordinary suburban split level structure was filled with drama, kind of like Game of Thrones, but without the dragons or intriguing character arcs. It contained plenty of power plays, betrayals, and arguments. I would not call it a happy home. But a house is not a home.

I have not as of yet lived in a house as an adult. My homes have all been apartments. While my current home is fine, it is small and a bit crowded with stuff because of insufficient storage space. Maybe this is partly why I am having some difficulty letting my old house go. This is a place, mind you, that I rarely visited once I moved away. I could not wait to get out of there and told myself I would not return. My sister did live there a few years after college, but I did not.

The therapist part of me knows that I still want to ” reclaim my childhood” before letting go of the house. I have done as much inner work as I can on this. When I consider the fond memories, they are overshadowed by darkness, with one exception.

That would be the music.

My mom plays piano well and this gift was passed down from her father who learned by ear. I don’t know how he was exposed to the piano, but he did play in the silent movie theaters, so I am told. The house was warm with emotion when my mom sang and played on many an evening. She lit up completely while playing. I believe she was born to play. She says the piano is going with her to the new place.

Google maps has made it possible for me to move on even if I cannot find time for a visit before the place is packed up or occupied by the new residents. I hope they make it a house filled with love. When or if they have children ( it is a young couple), I pray they figure out how to parent them well, or well enough. Maybe then they won’t all grow up to be therapists and heal others as a way to address their unhealed parts.

I am afraid this post is coming off rather bitter, but this is not my intention. I am still figuring out why I am bothered so much by this event. I can understand why my mother wants to live among people her age and have activities and transportation at her disposal. All I know is that I feel sad and a bit confused.

I am well aware that home is inside me, at the seat of my soul. A house is a structure made up of matter, which is not solid. I don’t remember my family being that messed up until we moved in. Perhaps it had to do with my parents’ entrance into middle age and the state of the marriage. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I will continue living life the best I know how, with faith that I can find joy and peace within. And some sweet music wouldn’t hurt either.

Published by litebeing

Seeking magic and awe in ordinary moments

19 Comments

  1. Pingback: Fare Well 2019 – litebeing chronicles

  2. Thank you for sharing this deep-stirring reflection, Linda. I appreciate not just the honesty with which you’re sharing, but there’s also a maturity (nothing to do with ‘age’) in your reflection that I can read/sense … and that only comes with experience and plumbing the depths, yes?

    It does seem that it’s more a step by step, layer by layer healing and insight-revealing when it comes to what’s been so formative and shaping of who and how we are. An ongoing, evolving journey.

    As ever, I appreciate the connection of astro-wisdom with our day to day, cycle to cycle experiences, with your mention of Mercurial, frenetic (and dynamic) Gemini in the 4th house. 🙂 I can also appreciate the volatile experience of ‘home’. Yep. 🙂

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    2. Hi Jamie,
      Clearly you intuit what I am trying to convey here. I am still “unpacking” my reactions to losing the house as we go into my 4th house lunation. It is not lost on me that the closing date is close to the degree of my moon in the 4th. I hope to make peace with it as peace is the only way through.

      Thanks for such insightful commentary.

      Namaste, Linda

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  4. “I am well aware that home is inside me, at the seat of my soul. A house is a structure made up of matter, which is not solid.” I love this and it really speaks to that 4th house in such an honoring way. It’s okay that you don’t want to release your childhood home and that you want to reclaim your childhood. Seems like Google Maps is certainly helping you in this case. My very best wishes with your homecoming, and I agree with your title. Yeah, maybe the kids might want to become rocket scientists instead of therapists and healers! lol 😂

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    1. Hi Ka,
      Thanks for reflecting back to me my feelings and thoughts about this major turning point. I did actually get to see the house in person to say goodbye. It did not go well, but at least I found the time to visit.

      peace to you, Linda

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      1. You are welcome, Linda! I’m sorry that seeing the house in person did not go well but I wonder if it’s all still a healthy part of the process. Lots of love to you 💗
        Finding the time can be really challenging, and so it is good because it was probably meant to be an opportunity to experience whatever you need/needed to. Peace to you, too, Linda ~ Ka

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  6. Thank you Linda for sharing this piece of your heart with us.. I think your tags to this post were spot on.. Forgiveness, Gratitude, Grief, and Healing..

    I too couldn’t wait to get away from my childhood home, it was a place fraught with arguments and like your memories of your Mother Playing piano, so did mine, not all that well, more like the Jazz kind.. She taught my Dad by ear, and he and I would play often sat on the same stool, me playing the vamp melody over and over..
    So I can relate to your Good and not so good memories with music..
    Like Barbara says this is another layer, deeply embedded with your younger self.. The part which wished for everything to be just so, the part where you wished for Love to flow.. Yet the disappointment you felt comes across as you were let down and not considered as your life was uprooted from place to place, school to school..

    I am forever surprising myself at the depth of layers we uncover,
    May you find closure with your Mothers Move as you make yet another Shift in your own Consciousness..

    Thank you for sharing your personal journey Linda..
    Love and Blessings, Enjoy your week ❤

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    1. Yes Sue, you got it right. I rarely felt considered as a child and I still see that pattern emerge at times presently. There is always more to do. yet some teachers say clearing is no longer needed. I hope to visit the house soon with little to no expectations. I cannot transform that house into the home I deserved, but I can transform my attitudes.

      much love, Linda

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  7. Love the post, honest and raw… a part of you is ready to be released, your mum is helping you by moving away. Whether a house or home it was a place that made our foundation and we can all be thankful for this experience, a beginning of our self realisation… that took you Linda into healing work. It’s the only thing we could all do to unravel ourselves… by using others as our mirror❤️ Here’s being happy being home with ourselves wherever we find ourselves😘 much love Barbara x

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    1. ” A part of you is ready to be released, your mum is helping you by moving away. ” Thanks Barbara for this insight. This is why comments mean so much to me as others see what I may not see. In some ways a burden may be lifted but I reminded again who lovely it would have been to be loved the way you need to be. Honestly, it can only be done by ourSelves ( inner parent).

      love to you, Linda

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  8. I think change is often hard. Even though you didn’t go back much it sounds like your family owned that house a long time so on some level of consciousness it has been part of your life. Having it leave the family is a big shift

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    1. Thanks Leigh for framing this/ through the lens of family/ancestral energy. It is my house because I lived there and it is the first property ( I believe ) owned by either side of my family in this country. When we first moved in, I had such high hopes for the house and neighborhood but they were dashed. But I get to choose the present moment and I choose to be open to love and peace and miracles.

      love, Linda

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