I really truly thought I knew myself better. I expected to weather this isolation period rather well. I am an introvert at heart, that loves lingering in books, with solitude and the old oak tree as a backdrop. I figured once the shock of my layoff wore off and my benefits were established, I would discover some joy within and thrive with all this newfound free time. Well, I was mistaken. The perpetual conflicts I encounter with others continue in my pursuit to receive the benefits I worked hard to acquire. I pay taxes and I have worked very hard over my lifetime, often in psychologically toxic workplaces. My last employer should change its name to Clusterfuck. Yup, I just wrote that sentence. Anyone still wonder why my blog is anonymous?
My health is now showing the delayed result of my anger and pain. I have skin eruptions on my face and hands. It is painful and feels like extreme sunburn. Anger often is a response to hurt. Yes, I do feel hurt. Along with grief, rage, sadness and some hatred. It is unclear anymore which is mine and which is of the collective. As an empath, it is a challenge for me to discern with accuracy. Let’s say some of this stuff is mine to own. I will give you a recent example. Many errors were made by my last employer regarding retirement and health insurance benefits. None of these errors benefited me. I have put in hours upon hours working to unravel the mess that was made in order to clean it up permanently. I had to change insurance providers and was due a refund. Finally, I was told a check was on its way to me. The amount was much smaller than what was owed to me. Apparently they subtracted some funds that were a “writeoff ” for unpaid premiums. This is the thing: I had a zero balance and owed nothing. The insurance company gave me the timeframe of several years ago and I was employed at that time. They say the employer owes them money so it was deducted from my refund. I lost my composure and blew up. And then I gave up.
Around this time George Floyd was assaulted by police and is allegedly dead and my city is now “on curfew”. First of all, I do not know if this murder happened and/or the riots are staged. What I do know is the world is broken and I am out of answers. I have started limiting my social media and tv news consumption. I have asked for dreamless sleep, but have been denied this request. I have to admit I have some hatred in my heart. I have to admit that my past trauma of being a victim of violence has come up again. Many have said that old stuff is coming back for integration during these times of “awakening”. I thought I had done enough self-examination to last 50 lifetimes. My life force seems to be weakening.
So I watch nature and work on preserving Spring Green. Then an advertisement for Quaker zoom worship at Pendle Hill caught my eye. Pendle Hill, one of my power places where I met James and found mystic openings at every corner? Yes, that’s the one. They are offering anyone the chance to join the staff in daily meeting for worship at the Barn via Zoom. I have not prayed this way in many many years and have not been to Pendle Hill in quite some time. Although much of the energy of this place had dissipated for me, I was curious about this opportunity. I joined the worship group this Saturday morning. There were many tech difficulties and it looked like there would be no service, but the team prevailed. Over 100 people from all over the planet prayed together in silence. In Quaker worship, words are spoken only when someone is moved by Spirit. An African American woman was moved to speak. She wondered how she could fight injustice without feeling hate. I instantly knew her words were meant for me. I listened and reflected and remained silent. A few others spoke and at the end the Pendle Hill staff facilitated sharing of blessings and challenges and prayers for others. Then everyone says “good morning” via Zoom. I felt a lightness and some inner peace that lasted a few hours. When I went outside my home and sensed the sounds and wonder of Pendle Hill’s campus. It is hard to explain how this works but it is as if the energy of the campus is transported to my neighboring surroundings.
I was able to climb out of my temporary placement in the abyss after attending this service. I needed to know that others are struggling with injustice and not always doing it “correctly”. I realize that my personal struggles are not race related but have more to do with financial insecurity, loss of dignity, loss of respect, and loss of power. It is easier not to fight, but is it proper? I do not think so. These days I still find myself trapped in quicksand, where the seemingly easiest tasks take forever to complete, or devolve into battles of will. Eclipse season is upon us and I do not have any answers, but I was able to display some Spring Green imagery and can seek shelter in morning prayer , at least one time.
images courtesy of wikipedia, public domain and wikiart public domain and litebeing chronicles © 2020
litebeing chronicles 
Reblogged this on litebeing chronicles and commented:
I have many thoughts and feelings about recent events, personal and societal. Enjoy this reblog while I work it all out. While some of this content is out of date, the message is timely, how to fight injustice without hate. How to be in integrity and take right action.
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Loved reading your honest account of your feelings Linda… Its a difficult emotional time for all.. And understanding the energies as we do, along with our empathic natures, it is taking a toll on even those who have, or thought we had done our shadow work…
The problem is there are so many different layers that need to still be exposed.. yes we have done such a lot of internal work upon our selves.. Yet the collective are still in their early stages.. And there is a huge amount of hate, guilt, anger, oppression, buried deep within many who are now only just opening up to release and vent it out..
I am so sorry to hear all the hassle you have had with your insurance and your employer.. It truly stinks when you have worked so hard, paid your dues and then get ripped off this way… So I can so understand your frustration ..
We who are doing the work… The ‘Star Seeds’ we think we are…. are still working our way through these dense energies… I have learnt that it is ok to feel, its ok to vent, and its ok that we get angry and yes we will still judge, we will still have our opinions…
But we then also begin to see a wider view… A bigger picture, as we stand back and observe not only our own actions but observe others.. Then we come to a point where we see it all playing out like a giant film… We already know the ending, and yet we sit and watch it play out, unsure as to how each of the actors within will solve the mystery of events…
We are a bit like that right now Linda… Observing… shocked at how one more trigger converges to create a multitude of reactions as those who join in think they are doing justice to Injustice… When in fact they are only playing out their own anger and frustrations.. None of the violence is going to bring anyone back, and it is certainly not going to help bridge the gap between races..
And when people realise for themselves that there is no separation…That colour, race, religion, creed, sexuality doesn’t really matter.. That we are ALL ONE… We are the Human Race..
And right now we are being played in this Matrix Game, to fight among ourselves, as we are being programmed, separated and demoralised because there is a bigger war going on..
And that Linda is the War on our Consciousness…. And we are playing right into their hands …
So I am so pleased you found your Pendle Hill again… You were led…. and I hope you continue to regain your balance..
Much love your way my dear, dear, friend.. ❤ ❤ ❤
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I agree with much of what you said Sue. The violence for many feels justified. How many times do we have to have racially-based murders, school shootings, fascist uncaring government tactics, etc? I do not condone it but I understand the impulse. Of course, some of the perps are not oppressed, just with a different agenda.
My outlook shifts and morphs. Yesterday was a lighter day. Today I feel tired and heavy. waiting for relief as I continue with both self-care and lightwork. As Jon Bon Jovi says, if you cannot do what you do, you do what you can. ❤
love, Linda
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I know how energy shifts… Today I was full of energy and planted my front garden with flowers Cosmos young plants I grew from seed… Then I put all my washing out to dry outside and by 11am I had blurred vision… I had to go to bed, I felt drained and ready to drop… I slept until 2-30pm where I had a light lunch and felt brilliant… So out I went in my back garden to continue weeding and planting out Summer plants including more Cosmos… I came in cooked dinner and has to go lie down again for an hour… Its now coming up to 7:45pm and I am feeling OK again…. So hopped on here for a while to answer pending comments….
I hope your Energy and Mood has lifted again… Keep pacing yourself and just do what your body is urging you to do…
I felt a huge Energy Sweep in today which is what I felt energetically…. So I just roll with it…
On another note.. My Acupuncturists whom I have had regular sixweekly or monthly treatments since 2009 rang me to say she was retiring.. So no longer going to do treatments…
I wished her well… ( I had been increasing my Qi Gong practice in her absence ) and have been managing… So its as I felt it would happen… The end of one era and the beginning of another… A little like Angie and your connection.. I am not worried for all will work out just as its meant to…
Sending huge hugs over the airwaves.. ❤ Love and Blessings Sue ❤
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i love you linda. wish i could hug you in person ❤ you're in my thoughts and prayers. thank you for sharing so vulnerably, as i feel it is valuable to feel and release all that is moving through us and to know we're all going through these challenges together.
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Hi Tania,
While we are all in this together, we are experiencing the upheaval that is uniquely our own. I work on being vulnerable here for my own growth and to also speak for those who cannot. Thanks for your love and for seeing me. ❤
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you’re so welcome. ❤ that is so true linda and a really powerful point ❤ thank you for expressing that beautifully
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❤
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I am sorry to hear that you had to struggle again to get some money. It must be hard to bear the injustice that they reduced the payout. I can understand the anger about that.
Thanks for sharing about the Quaker meeting.
I, too, struggle with this issue of when is it appropriate to fight and set bouundaries and when should I rather give up and shrug it off.
My experiences have shown me that inner peace is beneficial for the unfolding of events.
But keeping the inner peace does not automatically mean that I would remain passive. There have been times where I have been led to set and communicate boundaries to people who have stepped over my boundaries. So, inner peace does not mean that I would turn into a doormat.
I wish you alle the best.
Hugs,
Karin
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Inner peace is so precious and I do not know how I can sustain it while standing my ground. There must be a way, but again I am not as strong as I was pre-pandemic. I appreciate your support and sharing of your personal journey. So many lessons to learn as there is so much darkness laid out bare, out of the shadows. And there will be more. And yet, goodness and kindness is also increasing.
hugs my friend ❤
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Feeling for you Linda… you’re being confronted on all fronts, explosions from within and without! Of course our minds want to make sense of everything, to know that there is a reason and solution… to solve our feelings of lack… that we have all full heartedly swallowed and made our own❤️
It’s this fundamental untruth that we are anything less than perfect, powerful, abundant and magnificent that has attracted all our experience. Once we truly feel this… that aha moment and allow ourselves to focus on our truth… no matter our past circumstances and outcomes, you’ll see how life will begin making changes… emotions disperse, physical symptoms lessen and that natural joyful loving essence within will be felt!
The human can never solve the injustices because they serve in some way our stories. This is something we all have to see, the bigger picture how it serves us, humankind… and will enable us to stop the judgement and doubts❤️and relax.
Linda you are not only integrating all your past/present/future life’s that have suffered so badly you are physically embodying all of yourself, to be able to experience a whole new Multidimensional reality.
It is a most magical occurrence, changing your electromagnetics, changing your carbon based makeup to one of crystalline that does affect your physical body. It is the amount of radiation we are absorbing from the sunlight that is helping us all naturally awaken and physically transform… causing the blistering, sunburnt like rashes on our skin.
I began experiencing this on my face in 2013. I could only soak my face in warm sea salt water to clean and soothe it… anything else would make it worse! It does get better and it can travel down the body… it’s on my legs now! Ichy, red and inflamed… but getting much better.
Rest and relax is prescribed and focus on your magnificent and magical self… there’s nothing to do but stop judging your lovely self❤️ Much love Barbara x
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Thanks for being so encouraging and positive Barbara. I do not fare well when my body is tired or dis-eased. I am getting more things go and listening within more often , especially around when to engage with bureaucratic systems. I must conserve and protect my field. I do not know why humans cannot evolve without so much drama and pain. I would have designed this world differently. We shall see, Keep being you and spreading your wondrous light.
love, Linda
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Reblogged this on Blue Dragon Journal.
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thank you
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Sorry all the job and benefits stuff continues to be so hard to negotiate. The service via zoom sounds lovely. My place here streams on YouTube (they were doing it before this but now service is conducted in an empty room) and it has been nice to be able to tune in.
Yes, checking out all the injustice and staying peaceful is a tricky road.
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The service was lovely and I am glad you have access to spiritual community. Maybe I will go again tomorrow if I wake up in time, lol! I thought I was a great negotiator but lately I feel very misunderstood or invisible.
Praying for a positive shift for all. ❤
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