A few minutes ago the title for this post came to me and it is perfect. Honestly, I have no one or no – thing to blame for my misfortune, but sometimes it is fun to regress a little and place the blame somewhere. Today’s New Libra Moon has really turned out to be a bummer for me and I did not have any expectations. I do have hope that tonight may turn out to be lovely. But I want to write about how I am feeling right now. It seems like my latest round of job leads has been disappointing and misleading. Just a week and a half or so ago I was feeling quite jubilant, in the flow and excited about two interviews. Then in the midst of this timeline another job that sounded even better emerged and the employer expressed interest in me. I even dreamed about telling someone about it last night, meaning it had remained with me in the astral.
All three jobs did require that I stuff myself in a box in terms of clinical approach. But they had remote work flexibility and decent pay and were happy to take someone without the LCSW. The two screening interviews I had last week were awkward and felt forced. One already wrote a rejection email. I am waiting to hear back from the other. The most interesting twist is about the third job, which has excellent pay, is very close to home and offers benefits and fulltime hours.
I was asked to answer a question about projecting myself three years into the future and I enjoyed that challenge. The other day I was informed I was going through to the next phase of the selection process. I was asked to perform an online assessment to see if I would be a good fit. In the past I have had to do this once or twice with poor results. This time I was given the name of the instrument so I looked it up. I was curious how this test would influence their decision so I paid to take the test first myself and learn about how it works. I could not find a free test and considered it to be an investment. It was definitely interesting and echoed a little of my Myers Briggs profile. Today I was ready to take the test for the prospective employer and the code did not work. This seemed off but I attributed it to Mercury retrograde. I emailed the practice to tell them about the glitch so I could take the assessment. Half an hour later I get an email from an admin thanking me for my interest and telling me they hired someone else. What happened??
My mind went down a rabbit hole. I thought that maybe they knew I took the test already and that perhaps disqualified me. Or they accessed my results and decided not to move forward. Or it was a miscommunication. Eventually the practice owner responded and said that the hiring process moved faster than expected and that she will keep my resume on file as they expect another vacancy in the winter. I do not know if I believe what I was told, but I need to let it go. I will be kind to myself and let my feelings move through me. While musing on this, I remembered something my Reiki teacher said recently about the second attunement she did for me. She received a message that my need to control situations usually makes them worse and that I must find a way to be in the flow. I really tried to control this assessment situation. I did not like being judged this way and wanted to “crack the code”. The irony here is that my test results revealed that I do a lot of research and preparation when I face a difficult problem.
So here you go.
In the midst of this dreary day I drove to the post office to mail my ballot. It was anticlimactic. I usually like to wait in line to vote and find this ritual energizing. But it is more convenient to go the mail – in route. I am not excited about this election, just three days before my 60th birthday ( a discussion for another day). I am not a Biden fan. I remember him from the Anita Hill fiasco during the Clarence Thomas Supreme Court hearings back in the nineties. I found him to be sexist and it bothered me. If I could choose, it would be Marianne Williamson or Bernie Sanders. I prefer authenticly messy people over ambiguous phony people. But I certainly don’t want to live in a reboot of Nazi Germany. I read that Trump’s first wife said he would often read Hitler’s speeches over and over. I could go on about the Con Man/ Mob Boss in Chief, but I am out of wine and do not want to worsen my mood.
This Libra New Moon is very challenging as it squares Mars and opposes Jupiter Saturn and Pluto. So it behooves me to watch my words a bit online and off. And yet, as I ponder my job search and this latest theme of trying to please others by showing up as the prototype they prefer, I really resent not being simply me! I do not have a “brand” and shy away from writers who are inauthentic in order to always stay on brand. This is not for me. I revere honesty and want to write from a place of vulnerability.
I may never get a chance to find out if I was right for that job that required an assessment, but I really would like to work somewhere with people who are more like me. Where are they? Who are they? I don’t know. Libra energy is harsh for me because it occupies my solar 12th house and natal 8th house. These houses are messy and often contain hidden emotional baggage. I have no planets in Libra. I know some wonderful Libra folk like my advisor ( hey CL!) and my niece but many Libra’s I have encountered have caused me much harm or frustration. It is what it is. We all have our strengths and our weak spots.
Controlling outcomes is one of my weaknesses and Scorpios love to control. Tomorrow is a new day and fortunately my moods tend to change quickly of late. Writing about my darkness is a cathartic relief. So now to bring some light I will leave you with the song that inspired today’s title :
rain photos by pexels.com , public domain