Untethered

Last Friday I was all geared up to document my reactions on meeting with a dear old friend about to move to the other side of the planet and the horrific loss of rights due to the fall of Roe vs Wade.  Little did I know that an even more devastating loss would befall me just a few days later, befall being the operative word. This week my computer has been acting very wonky with both the camera and mike turning off and on. As a result. conducting therapy was very difficult for me. I worked around the challenge by meeting virtually with some clients using my smartphone. Because of the iffy wifi, I needed on occasion to get off the couch facing the terrace and sit on a chair in the living room which faces the couch. Around 4:30 pm on Tuesday I am talking with a client on the chair and I hear some disturbing noises behind me. These noises were unlike anything I ever heard. I was startled and concerned so I got off the chair to look out my terrace window. I was horrified to see a huge branch had fallen from the old oak tree onto the ground. It is a miracle that I was able to complete the therapy session with my client.

I am still in the shock phase of the grieving process. This majestic oak was everything to me. When it rapidly dawned on me how differently this could have gone down, I felt trauma moving in close. This branch could have fell on someone, a small child, a deer, some squirrels, who knows?  See how close it is to my terrace.  It could have easily been another branch headed through my living room windows. It could have crashed into my home and injured me. This awareness came over me at lightning speed. No human was hurt and that is such a blessing ; such a close call this was. Another contender for the best blessing prize is the fact that I was not sitting on the couch when it happened. I am so relieved that I did not actually see the branch break and fall. I do not know how that memory would have impacted my heart and soul. In a few significant ways, I was spared.

I am beyond grateful.

This amazing oak tree was my rock since I moved here in 1996. The view was what sold me on this place. Having the grand old oak virtually in my home helped me feel a bit more embodied. I would meditate and look at the face of the tree, sensing the protection and wisdom offered. At night it would light up and illuminate the energy field of my entire living space, watching over me ( and my plants and cats). As my understanding of animism grew, so did my appreciation for all non – human beings. My connection with the natural world way precedes my understanding of where and how spirit dwells, but the class I took in 2020 offered me some depth of awareness and compassion that was lacking. Early on I was an ocean girl, a great fit for a Sun/ Neptune, Mars in Cancer, moon in the 4th, Scorpio Sun and stellium incarnation such as me. And yet, my fascination with the woods and mountains crept in once I moved to the Mt. Penn region of Reading PA, and later the woods of New Britain Connecticut. The depth of peace that washed over me as I was immersed in the energies of tree medicine,

I have no words for.

When I learned that my tree spirit was broken, my heart ached. Later I discovered the contractors would be coming out on Wednesday. Today I learned the entire tree will be removed. I found out the tree was at least 100 years old, imagine that. 100 years, wow.     A few moments later I heard that it could not be salvaged because it had rotted from the inside. Upon hearing this news. I felt the rot inside of me.

Cognitive dissonance ensued; ” How long has this tree that offered me and my home solace, shelter, protection, and strength been sick and dying? How did I not know? Was it ever really my strength, my safe place the root of my embodiment when I was on the verge of imploding over the years? Perhaps I was deluded and it was never capable because it was in pain too? “

I will never have the answers.  Yet today I was triggered by some childhood memories which led me to wonder how I was able to survive my my childhood. I expressed my anger to the manager today asking why nothing was done to maintain this tree when other trees on the property were pruned a few months ago. This tree is among the oldest and it was neglected.  It needed to be tended to.   I was filled with rage when I said that people could have been killed and now this tree will be killed. It reminded me how my own needs were neglected for so long because no one was paying attention and my younger sibling was favored. I was left to my own devices and had suffered very deep injuries of my own. While most of the damage has been long addressed, the scars run deep.   Transiting Pluto in my 12th house can activate triggers of events thought to be resolved and put to bed long ago. My protector was rotting inside and I had no idea. How long will I be plagued by this reality?

I am so glad I have literally hundreds of photos of the oak and my terrace in my phone , my hard drive, and in my wp files. I am feeling anxious about what the new view outside my terrace will reveal after the mighty oak is gone. Perhaps it is time for me to move somewhere new next summer. But in the meantime I must deal with all of my grief, old and new, and allow alchemy to do its thing. I do understand that all of these events outside of me are beyond my control and that acceptance is the only way through. No-thing material lasts forever, including my-human self and body. I would like to believe the tree god/goddess is still intact and that my communion with this beloved tree being was ( is? )  genuine and true. I must continue to master embodiment here on Gaia in the forever NOW, whatever the cosmic climate may be. My dear friend is moving very very far away in a few weeks, tens of thousands of women in this country will potentially  die in childbirth or be forced to carry children that are unwanted and/were created by rape and or incest, and what tethered me no longer exists as it once was.