All I know is that I need to write something tonight. I have much to say but most of it I am reluctant to share, not just yet. What I will say is that my life has been scarier than usual ever since the old oak tree was cut down. Some events have felt almost biblical and not in a good way. When or if the time is right, I will go into detail.
What has become clear is that I still am so easily triggered and my inability to trust is still intact. When push comes to shove, my defenses take hold and the walls go up. Being single and growing old alone has made me very self protective and often anxious. One might say, ironically, afraid of my own shadow. I have pointed out over the past months that transiting Saturn, Uranus, and Pluto have been making hard aspects ( conjunctions, oppositions, or squares) to planets and other parts of my natal chart. I have experienced this mostly as sludge, unexpected disruptions and losses, and living nightmares. There are moments when I wonder if I can survive all of this chaos and terror. I sought out some help for myself and was hopeful. I found a therapist and ended it quickly. Boy he was terrible! I wanted to wait it out but my intuition was screaming ” He does not care about you, hell he doesn’t even like you. ” This is very odd because I have had several therapists over the years and most of them were good. A few were really good. I did not anticipate that I would fare so poorly. But I have not given up and will eventually find someone. My spiritual practices and other coping skills are simply not cutting it.
But all is not lost. I noticed a subtle shift last evening. It happened after I began reading The Divine Design by Lorie Ladd. I just read a few pages but while perusing the table of contents I knew that this was special and important. Reading about the waves of lightworkers, taking in some of the majesty of Earth’s history and reliving the 1987 Harmonic Convergence through her words reminded me that I do belong here. I feel some tears welling up and I consider how unsafe I have felt lately and how unsafe the planet feels to me. How could this not be true for someone as sensitive as I ? Reading a small part of her book gave me comfort and a sense of safety. Right before falling asleep I asked for some sign or message to find me in dreamtime. I kept it vague because I was not sure what I wanted. I recall 2 dream fragments: One was about my beloved dead uncle looking younger that he was when I knew him. He was so happy and kind and he bought me new clothes. I tried one of the shirts on and I felt loved and cared for. Later I was around a group of people and was told that some of us could be Elements. I did not know what that meant but it sounded right to me. I saw the person in charge with a group of people and this caught me by surprise as I wanted to discuss this with him alone. Yet I asked him anyway if I could be an Element and he said yes.
Now for the weird part! Last evening I saw an email for a new tv show about love and astrology and decided I would watch it today. It is called Cosmic Love. I began to watch the first episode which assembled a group of young beautiful singles looking for love, nothing new here. But the catch is that they would be assigned matches by their astrological charts. Two men and two women were chosen to be the main contestants who would be matched among the rest of the group. Each of the four was either a fire, water, air, or earth sun sign. For the entire series these four people would be referred to as the Elements. So how about that?
The show is a bit cheesy but I am enjoying the astrology of it. Per usual I clearly feel the energy of the Pisces men as very familiar. I do not think this series will be nominated for any Emmy Awards but it is a treat to see a tv show that discusses the rising signs, moon, mercury, venus, mars and the nodes, as well as the 12 houses in synastry. So maybe we can both hold 2 realities , cosmic love and threat of nuclear war in the Ukraine? I am kidding here ( sort of ).
To wrap up this somewhat disparate post, I will share a song with you. Billy Joel really “gets me. ” When his album The Stranger came out around 1977 , I thought many of the songs applied to me. I think this one in particular , She’s Always a Woman to Me, still applies. I realize that I shared this song in a blog years before. While I prefer not to duplicate media, this song really resonates with my current insecurity, desire to do better, and difficulty with embodiment. I recognize we are all being tested to various degrees and that I can shift in a simple moment….
WP is not cooperating so I will not share the song lyrics, but will share one line: She can ask for the truth but she’ll never believe you. I did that today, yesterday, and many days before that. I truly wish I can finally get to the place where I attract positive people and circumstances so I can throw away my need for due diligence. Or better yet, operate on the assumption that I am safe here. Maybe when Pluto and Uranus move out of these scary places in my unconscious.
In the meantime I will keep reading, look for a great therapist, keep setting intentions, and make room for guidance to find me.
images courtesy of Josephine Wall
litebeing chronicles 
(I’m sorry, none of my spacing showed up here.)
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it is fine, I can read it easily.
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You have a good and balanced way of sharing all these disconcerting energies you are holding. It expresses your patience and your gentleness towards yourself, which I think serves you well.
I have similar hopes for you that you will find that trust and peace. I think it could be hard to find a therapist when you are going deeper into your spiritual journey–which is why you might have had the thing where you worked with spiritual directors, at times. Both may be helpful, but if clinical depression gets unmanageable in any way, it’s a good idea to seek out support from people who can help you alter a person’s chemistry in the gentlest way. Yes, there are nasty things going on in the world. I say that for welfare purposes, for anyone, who might be up to their limits. I think it depends on where a person is at.
I do absolutely believe you should trust your gut. You can trust you. Starting there is the most important place. I”m curious about this cheesy dating show. Astrology is so helpful for understanding our inner workings and compatibilities. I love looking at synastry and also at combined charts. I haven’t done it in a while. With my 7th house Sun, I love connection and compatibility. With that same Sun trining Neptune, I look for the spiritual and “higher service” connection in all my close friendships and in business connections. I think doing your due diligence will always be a part of things, if I may say, it is necessary. 🙂 Congrats to you for doing that. Also, I think ‘BetterHelp” is an online service that allows you to read about and choose a therapist. Supposedly it’s cheaper, too. I don’t know if that would be of any help, but I’m just putting it out there for anyone who might read this.
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Hi Ka,
I have been slow to reply and have overlooked your comments inadvertently. I am sorry but not surprising since I have been overwhelmed. I appreciate your kind gentle and validating comment. It is well spaced on my end. 🙂 I had worked with a spiritual director for many years and I recently stopped as I sensed it was the right time. She is a wonderful caring soul and it was a great experience.
The cheesy show is called Cosmic Love and it is linked above in the post. I am glad I watched some of the info on astrology was accurate. Not all, but enough to show people it is an intricate complex system, not superficial as often portrayed. You might enjoy it. I keep searching for people and methods to help me heal me. I have not given up, but can become frustrated. This new season feels better to me with the cooler weather and lower humidity. Some of the current transits are brutal to my chart but a few are positive. I can choose to focus more on the positive. I am certain I will be changed in some way when all is said and done.
blessings my friend ❤
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Dear Linda, hang in there! I hope the right therapist turns up soon… I appreciate the authenticity of your posts and always read everything with great inrerest.
On a different topic, I also have a lot of problems with wp. The editor is really terrible and somehow keeps getting worse.
And finally, I must admit I also like cheesy dating shows. The one you mention sounds great – I bet it is not on netflix, though.
Finally, I wonder what Mars in Gemini has in store for us. I was on a short trip when it changed signs and it was palpable. I felt the energy was lighter, more colourful, more exciting. We were enjoying a Thai meal with countless colourful dishes and it occurred to me that this was so Gemini.
Anyway, sorry for rambling. I hope you feel better soon
Monika
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Hi Monika, I don’t mind the rambling. With my moon in Gemini and merc in the 9th, this can be my default comm style lol!
I appreciate your interest in my words and my welfare. still looking for the therapist. got some good leads. Regarding the show, it is on Amazon Prime, part of Amazon membership.
It is interesting that you mention Mars in Gemini because I was strongly thinking of discussing it in my post. I noticed my shift around the time in left Taurus. My chart is riddled with this annoying Uranus Chiron opposition at the end of fixed signs so I relish ( sometimes ) the move to the mutables after that opposition was activated. I love Thai food and I never thought of it that way but why not?
take care,
Linda
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I’m sorry to hear you are feeling unsettled and a little vulnerable Linda.
The energy shifts alone are enough to make us all look over our shoulders at our shadows and less trusting if ALL around us.
I’ve trusted more my own inner gut this last few years than ever before. And thank goodness it’s proving me right as what I see occurring and being revealed in the world right now.
Lorrie Ladd I have followed on YT. And enjoy her philosophy on life. I’m Sure her book is a great read.
My own inner guidance has always been when in doubt, DON’T.
We all have our inbuilt compass which is trying it’s best to guide us.
I hope you find your Trust mechanisms again Linda especially within your own inner guidance .
And lived the synchronicity of your dream and the Elementals.
Enjoy your new series, it sounds interesting. 💖
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Sue I agree with your interpretation of these times. Some of my experiences lately seem fated, but that may be too simple of an explanation. Slowing down and grounding often can make a difference. My intuition is not as easy to access when I am freaking out, I think that is not uncommon.
Thanks for all your love and support.
blessings, Linda ❤
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