Sick Day Summary

It has been so long since I have published anything original. Working 4 ten hour days a week ( including evenings) has left me tired or depleted energetically more often than not. I think about this blog and community often and I want you all to know you are with me every step of the way.

The way has been busy and productive but tinged with loneliness, anxiety, and dread. I am grateful to have a job I enjoy where I can see what I have helped create. Yet I feel very insecure, waiting for the other foot to drop. I am lucky to have people I can discuss my worries with, but it is not always enough. So many years of underemployment or unemployment have left me shaky and uneasy. With both transiting Pluto and Saturn trudging around my 12th house, I understand where some of this malaise is rooted. But still, it persists.

My relationship with my mother remains fractured and this saddens me, and yet, it seems to be more real. I try to balance my awareness of her advancing age with my need to let her know that we have mostly been strangers to one another throughout our entire relationship.  I work on remaining careful not to hurt her and still communicate as directly and plainly as I can. I want to be the bigger person but it is difficult when I am the bigger person all over my life. There are so few people who can comfort me and hear me and really accept me just as I am. So I strive to be that person for me. Learning to love yourself IS the greatest love of all.

I called out sick today and it was much needed. I am happy to report my body is on the mend, so my choice to stay home was a sound one. With Mercury retrograde, I still had to spend unwanted time contacting colleagues because of communication breakdowns.  I have been feeling so tired lately. The astro weather isn’t helping either. My uncle died and my boss quit his job within days of each other during this eclipse cycle.  Two different events; one natural, the other seemingly unexpected. I recently concluded my uncle was the last male relative of the generation before mine.  I did not know him well. We were not close, but he is a symbol of my childhood and he was a decent man. Uranus most likely messed with his Taurus sun, but he lived a long life, seemingly content.

My boss is one of the nicest supervisors I have ever worked with. Spoiler alert: when I am fortunate enough to get a great boss, they usual resign shortly after I am hired. He stayed for almost 6 months of my tenure and that is a record. He is a double Pisces, so of course, we got along. He has his faults, but he is so good with people, so kind, and so caring. A real lightworker. I did not see his resignation coming, but here it is. I have a history of scary supervisors replacing the nice ones, but I can rewrite this old narrative. In fact, I already have: ” I have learned so much about this new job setting and mastered so many new tasks while working with this person. He believes in me and is not afraid to be complimentary and recognize hard work. I saw how authority does not have to be used to gain power and control. I appreciate the time I worked with him and the impact he has made.”

I am grieving him, even while he still is working with me for a few more weeks. I assumed I would leave before he would. Oh well, I was mistaken. I do not do loss well, but over time I have been able to let go sooner and easier. This is growth. Speaking of loss, I have had a few dreams lately featuring my first cat Jasmine. I have no digital pictures of her to post, but I can describe her as a petite calico with green eyes. She was gorgeous and independent and aloof. But she was my first baby and I adopted her at about 7 weeks old. She lived with me for 16 years. Dexter was bigger than life, but Jasmine taught me about how to nurture another. It is curious why she is emerging in dreamtime, but it is cool to see her again happy and thriving.

This catchup post is a hodgepodge of topics, quickly assembled from the recesses of my mind and heart, but it feels liberating to share my ramblings with you on this cooler than usual July evening. So much remains uncertain, but one idea rings true: service with passion equals a full heart and warm soul.

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A House is Not a Home

Thanks to the magic of Google maps, I do not have to take a new image to show my childhood home. I lived here from the end of 6th grade through junior year of college. The house was white with light blue trim originally but my parents decided on a chocolate brown upgrade.

I recently learned that my mother sold our house to move into an older adult apartment community, aka retirement place where people go to die community. I know this is strong language, but I am speaking my truth. She has wanted to sell even before my dad died, over 10 years ago. I do not know if I will get the chance to see it in-person one last time before she vacates.

Here’s the thing: I spent most of my childhood in various apartments in four states from birth to age 11. I had 4 homes from 2nd through 6th grade, including going to two different schools in separate states for both 5th and 6th grades. We finally “settled down ” when I was 11 as my parents purchased this modest home in a predominantly affluent housing development. It is the only house I ever lived in, with a yard and separation from neighbors. This meant privacy and less noise ( outside of my family dramas). Why my parents could not wait for the summer to move says way more about how I was parented then anything else. My moon in Gemini in the fourth house would speak to the frequent disruptions, but damn, my dad was not in the military!

This ordinary suburban split level structure was filled with drama, kind of like Game of Thrones, but without the dragons or intriguing character arcs. It contained plenty of power plays, betrayals, and arguments. I would not call it a happy home. But a house is not a home.

I have not as of yet lived in a house as an adult. My homes have all been apartments. While my current home is fine, it is small and a bit crowded with stuff because of insufficient storage space. Maybe this is partly why I am having some difficulty letting my old house go. This is a place, mind you, that I rarely visited once I moved away. I could not wait to get out of there and told myself I would not return. My sister did live there a few years after college, but I did not.

The therapist part of me knows that I still want to ” reclaim my childhood” before letting go of the house. I have done as much inner work as I can on this. When I consider the fond memories, they are overshadowed by darkness, with one exception.

That would be the music.

My mom plays piano well and this gift was passed down from her father who learned by ear. I don’t know how he was exposed to the piano, but he did play in the silent movie theaters, so I am told. The house was warm with emotion when my mom sang and played on many an evening. She lit up completely while playing. I believe she was born to play. She says the piano is going with her to the new place.

Google maps has made it possible for me to move on even if I cannot find time for a visit before the place is packed up or occupied by the new residents. I hope they make it a house filled with love. When or if they have children ( it is a young couple), I pray they figure out how to parent them well, or well enough. Maybe then they won’t all grow up to be therapists and heal others as a way to address their unhealed parts.

I am afraid this post is coming off rather bitter, but this is not my intention. I am still figuring out why I am bothered so much by this event. I can understand why my mother wants to live among people her age and have activities and transportation at her disposal. All I know is that I feel sad and a bit confused.

I am well aware that home is inside me, at the seat of my soul. A house is a structure made up of matter, which is not solid. I don’t remember my family being that messed up until we moved in. Perhaps it had to do with my parents’ entrance into middle age and the state of the marriage. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I will continue living life the best I know how, with faith that I can find joy and peace within. And some sweet music wouldn’t hurt either.

Ode to Donna

Let’s drink a toast to Donna

who relished quality wine

she lived her life with gusto

and ended it by design

Chocolate, fine food, and cigarettes were among her vices

lung cancer is tough going even for the strong

smoking led to her untimely demise

after diagnosis , her time on Earth was not long

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A Pisces at heart, she enjoyed a relaxing bath

filled to the brim with bubbles

apparently the bubbly immersion

melted away her troubles

She was my online friend

an astrologer like no other

we both had colon issues

she doted on me like a mother

Feisty, generous, stubborn, and direct

we could have similar genes

how do you miss someone you never met

except within a dream?

This quickly put together scrappy poem is my salute to Donna, who passed away on December 8th. I knew of her years before I “met her” on Facebook as I had  bought one of her books on lunar nodes. She was a teacher, healer, astrologer, mother, friend, and organizer of a very special annual astrology conference. She was a very knowledgeable person and lectured on many topics including gemstones and astrology. Donna was also a regular speaker at the magickal Lilydale.

Donna was not always the easiest person to get along with.  The song My Way by Frank Sinatra comes to mind when I think about how she led her life. I regret that I did not have the resources to travel to meet her at a conference. I did see her in a dream and told her about it. I surmised it was a sign we would meet on this plane. She refused any treatment for the cancer and it quickly took her life. It continually amazes me how quickly beings enter and exit our sphere of existence, although I have witnessed this pattern over and over again.

We conversed often on Facebook and in private messages. We exhanged info on astrology, food, and diverticulitis. I  took an online class with her on stress and the horoscope, which was great. She was so wise about so many subjects and had traveled the globe, taking in so much of what life had to offer her. Donna was an icon, yet conducted herself as down to earth as anyone. I think the smoking did her in, when all is said and done.  She was uncompromising about living on her terms. I admire her for it, yet wish she could have stuck around longer.

How do you miss someone you never met , except within a dream?

 

Rest in peace Donna, knowing so many people loved you and that your legacy is rich and strong.

At this time of Solstice across the planet, let’s take time to appreciate the dance between dark and light, love and fear, endings and beginnings. One does not penetrate consciousness in the absence of the other in this current dimension in which we have chosen to incarnate.

images consist of public domain images and photos taken by litebeing chronicles
 © 2013 - 2018

Dexter on parade

 

Check out the black squirrel I snapped today. Now take a look at the calendar message  for today, 7-12-18:

I knew I would get a sign today and I sense more are on the way.

Love you always my sweet boy Dexter!  ❤

 

Here’s an old post that reveals more of his back-story.

Within the past few days I have heard of 2 friends losing their beloved animal companions. Then I had a heartfelt conversation with OM about cats and blogging. While this topic is somewhat off theme, it seems fitting to prepare a simple post about my beloved Dexter.

Dexter
Dexter

I adopted Dexter back in 2008, a few months after I lost my first cat Jasmine. I renamed him Dexter after careful thought and consideration. It was not because he reminds me of a serial killer. It just suited him better than his original name Sylvester did.

After 16 years ( she was about 8 weeks when I brought her home) , Jasmine succumbed to kidney disease. Watching her decline and deciding when to let her go was among the most agonizingly painful, gut- wrenching times in my entire life. The sadness and pain were almost too much to bear. Jazz died in April 2008, so the anniversary of her passing is quite fresh. Raising this sweet cat from infancy was the closest I have come to motherhood and as we know, children are supposed to outlive their parents. But this is not always the case.

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I was heartbroken for so long after I lost Jazz. This grief was deadening and isolating. I was practicing outpatient therapy full-time and so many of my clients spoke about their pets. Several had cats and these daily sessions were grueling. Eventually I found them healing in a cathartic manner. We do attract what we need, generally speaking. When I felt ready, I began to visit shelters to seek a new cat, not as a replacement, but as an extension of love. Dexter was much older than the kitten I initially desired, and he had been sent to the shelter more than once. It remains a mystery why this adorable soul was rejected not once, but twice!  I would like to believe that it was so I would eventually find him. Within a few short weeks, he settled in and showed me his true nature. I am amazed by his capacity for affection, verbal activity ( he talks more than I do!) and openness. Dex’s personality is the opposite of reserved Diva Jasmine who was more like Greta Garbo. Dex craves attention and human touch and is so delighted to meet * everyone who crosses his path (* squirrels and birds need not apply!)

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What this boisterous ball of joy has taught me about the healing effects of love is boundless. There are no words that can accurately describe his ability to soothe my spirit with his perpetual demonstration of unconditional love.

I love you Dex.

 

POSTSCRIPT:
cool Dexter facts ~

he is left-pawed, just like me 🙂
he enjoys crossing his paws ( dainty indeed)
rolling over and inviting you to rub his belly IS his default position ( boy does he love belly rubs, don’t believe that old wive’s tale to never rub a cat’s belly!)

 

if you love all things warm and fuzzy ( including Sindy’s non- mammalian fish), you gotta visit this page: odyssians

My Best Friend For Life

litebeing chronicles 2013

UPDATE 2018: It will be three years since Dexter passed on July 12th, 5 days from now. While I occasionally consider adopting again, I always find reasons to decline. My finances are unstable, or my health is unstable, or I want to travel, etc. The real truth is I am not ready yet. Like so many things, I won’t know until I know.

I spent some time around many cats while at a BBQ for the 4th of July. I clearly enjoyed their company and it appeared the feeling was mutual. For now, I will savor the time I have around felines however they find me. I continue to relish the love Dexter brought to me. He was a heart chakra activator extraordinaire.

Enjoy this post from 2015 ( below the 2016 update).

 

UPDATE 2016: July 12th will mark the one year anniversary of Dexter’s passing. Tomorrow will be more poignant for me because he passed on a Sunday. I am beginning to receive signs, some of which are rather bold, that is time to seriously explore adopting a new cat. While I will consider this guidance carefully, a part of me is still not quite ready. Dexter made me better, and I do not know if another soul can bring out the best that is left inside my soul.

Here is an old post written a week after Dex’s passing. It is heartfelt and chock full of excellent resources. Please send me some light tomorrow and show your loved ones how much they mean to you. It is everything.

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It has been incredibly challenging to simply survive this week. One week ago today, my beloved Dexter transitioned to another realm. So far this is a realm I cannot reach. I sincerely thank everyone here for their love and support. My longtime readers know that this year has not been an easy one. Your unwavering loyalty is priceless.

While writing is both my joy and my solace, words have not come easily to me lately. My pain is too great and my motivation too meager. Yet I do have a message to convey and I will attempt to do so to the best of my ability.

The week that Dexter died was a very busy one. While I know the word busy is relative, for me the increase in activity was substantial. Tuesday was the dentist, Wednesday and Thursday Caryn visited me, and Friday I took my car to the shop. Saturday, my last full day with Dexter was a blur, except for posting about master/students late at night. Sunday, of course, was my own private circle of hell. I wish I could remember more of my final day at home with Dexter, but I don’t. Unfortunately the details of last Sunday seem to be on a rotating loop inside my heart.

But I want to go back to earlier in the week to share some resources that have helped me and may help others who “stumble” upon my blog. Caryn and I have not been together in Philly since the 1990s. We did hang out last fall in NY after reconnecting on FB. I plan to blog about what brought me to NY, but that draft is not ready for completion. Caryn and I were so so busy: special Impressionist exhibition at the Philadelphia Museum of Art, movie night at an old lovely theater, 2 incredible meals ( one was Indian since we both adore it!) and a mini road trip to Longwood Gardens. Our 2 days were go go go and rather frenetic. The weather was horrible both days and my patience often wore thin. Yet grace did surround us in many ways: a deer crossing on a road where this “never” happens; a “random” encounter with a waiter that was filled with synchronicity, a gratis fruit platter that was a work of art in itself and discounts off our bill; and  the sheer joy of watching Caryn frolicking at Longwood for the very first time. The waterlilies  I am sharing were a highlight of this particular visit for me. They were not in bloom during my last two trips.

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Another source of peace was Matt Kahn. On Wednesday Caryn and I spoke about relationships and the nature of connections. That very evening I come home to notice a brand new video by Matt on soul mates and twin flames. In it he mentions, among many other things, that for some a soul mate may be their pet. This idea prompted me to refer to Dexter as my soul mate on my latest post. Matt refers to a soul mate as a balancing counterpart with little drama or intensity, but great love. While I do not agree with every point made, I find Matt’s take on the different type of soul connections to be fascinating and quite revelatory. This information is especially relevant in regards to next week’s Venus retrograde event.  I offer his video here:

 

Now I want to share some resources that have softened the loss by providing a rare understanding of my bond with my cats ( and most animals and inhabitants of the natural world) and some insight into the grieving process.

They are both courtesy of  Caryn and Karin, “the Carings” in my life. Caryn provided me with this link that really spoke to me. I am very picky about these grief expert offerings, perhaps because I provide these services in my work, or because I am quite discerning. In any case, this article was profoundly insightful. For those who may not understand the connection between human and animal, please take a look and your impressions may shift.

http://www.anaflora.com/grieving/beloved/beloved.html

I especially like both these passages:

The love of an animal permits us to unfold, to open up, drop our defenses and to be naked, not only physically but psychologically and spiritually as well. With an animal we let ourselves be seen instead of hiding behind our personalities, our cultures, our jobs, our clothing or our makeup. They know us as no one else does, in our private joys, angry rages, deepest despair, in sickness and in health. All the while their calm steady presence companions us with an unwavering love like few others on this earth. Our animal companions see through us to the very soul of our soul, encouraging the unfolding of a sacred trust. If there is such a thing as a soul mate, then surely this is it.

Many people have never been blessed with, or felt for themselves, the true love of an animal. They are incapable of understanding that your love for an animal may surpass your love for the humans that are the closest to you. It is a different bond, in a way, more profound; something only the heart understands. What I have learned over the years, as a student of grief and a student of many spiritual traditions, is that no guru, guide, master or friend no matter how enlightened can comfort the heart that believes it has lost what it holds most dear. Whether grieving ourselves, or consoling a grieving friend, often the most useful thing we can do is to simply tell our story. For in the story of our own journey through the gates of grief, or in bearing witness to the grief of another, we can at least legitimize the experience and make it “Sacred.”

Karin turned me on to this excellent video with medium Danielle MacKinnon that was posted just a few days ago. While I do hold some skepticism regarding animal communicators, Danielle is someone who naturally conveys authenticity and warmth. Please check it out if you are called to explore this topic further. What really struck me most was the question posed near the end of the interview.:

 Animals choose to pass at a particular time.  Ask yourself : What was it about this time that has meaning for you?

Here is the link for the video: https://wingingwithwhitehawk.wordpress.com/2015/07/16/pets-in-the-afterlife/

Finally I want to share some closing thoughts. It is so ironic that I have been so successful as a grief counselor. So very many clients over the years suffered unimaginable trauma and loss. I seem to be rather effective at facilitating healing for those in pain and was quite driven to focus on this area of therapy. Personally though, I suck at loss and death. I do not judge how I grieve, so please do not misconstrue my meaning. I just do not like to let go. I do not detach easily, especially if the bond was deep. Losing my first cat brought me to the brink of depression from which I doubted I would ever recover. Yet I did recover and I will recover from this loss. But this journey has just begun…

Let me conclude with a song that helps express the enormity of my love for Dexter. When I call him my best friend and soul mate, I am not exaggerating. It does not mean I do not love or have not loved other human beings deeply.

Dexter

It’s just different.


For a tribute to Dexter circa 2013ish, please visit OM’s site here.

The Road to Resilience

Death and grief are frequent visitors in my heart and soul this week. Resilience is the elixir for those in pain. blessings, Linda

litebeing chronicles

This is a guest post I wrote for amberskyeforbes.wordpress.com back in 2013. While reviewing my draft folder I discovered it and concluded the message is timely. Resilience is one of my favorite topics and is front and center in my consciousness today. I hope it resonates for you also.

Thank you Amber for having me as a guest blogger today. I want to share some thoughts I have about human resilience in the face of loss. Life is a series of continuous losses. After you take your first breath, you find your way on the path towards your final one. Our cells constantly regenerate. In fact, it is known that our bodies completely change every seven years. Typically people equate death with loss and sometimes use those terms interchangeably. Yet, loss is pervasive and incredibly universal. Here are some common losses to consider: loss of health, loss of youth, loss…

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East Africa in West Philly ~ Traversing Time and Space

Here is a post I wrote that appears to be inspired by Anthony Bourdain’s influence on me. Someone in the media today called him a culinary rock star. I would totally agree. He was someone whose love of life was so evident, particularly in how the emotional signature of an experience left a strong residue. long after time has passed. I would like to think he would see some of his influence in my writing.

I never reblog several posts in one day, but I need to do this to cope with the shock that I feel and to convey the love I have for this talented and flawed man.

litebeing chronicles

I had a very important meeting today in my old college neighborhood. It is called University City because Drexel University and The University of Pennsylvania are located there. I moved away many years ago, but still have so many fond memories. Sometimes work or a social event will bring me back, but I have not visited in a few years. The last time I was there it was a very sad occasion. I went with a coworker to visit a former client of ours who was receiving hospice care. She died a few days later.  She was not much older than I, but was dying of uterine cancer that was diagnosed way too late. She had schizophrenia and this contributed to her death. Her caretaker did not believe her when she told her she was bleeding. I did all I could to advocate for her, but it was not enough…

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It’s All About the Yummy

Just literally woke up to the news that my idol Anthony Bourdain killed himself and was found dead in France today. Honestly I do not know how much more emotional upheaval I can bear. I will be reblogging some posts that reference him in his honor. I am beyond sad and more than a little angry. I have watched all his TV shows and have dreamed of meeting him and perhaps imbuing some of his energy when I write about food and travel. If you are feeling depressed, please get some help!

 

Call 1-800-273-8255 ( US)

litebeing chronicles

There are many instances in my life where I doubted the point of being here, chained to a body and being at the mercy of unexpected events that challenge its survival. Many thought leaders are now touting the benefits of waking up and staying in human form. So I started to consider some of the perks of 3D material existence. Many metaphysical teachers claim that sensory experiences are unnecessary on the higher planes. Immediately I thought, no need for clothes, jewelry, shoes, food, etc.

So I created a blogging challenge ( a Sense-sational one, you might say), to invite people to really ponder the gifts of living in form. After all, we all know the limitations. Which of the 5 bodily senses are preferred and how do they enhance your life?  This is what I was looking to uncover, in order to create a conversation about incarnation with a certain…

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Petapalooza

7-12-17 UPDATE: Guess what arrives in the mail, last night, the eve of the 2 year anniversary of Dexter’s death? A huge envelope from the SPCA. I open it up to discover a 2018 calendar featuring photos of cats and dogs. I have never received a calendar from them before, in all the years I have been affiliated with them. And look at the timing? hmmmmm…

I love you Dexter ❤

On Thursday or Friday I heard something on the radio about a Petapalooza in my neighborhood. My intuition told me this whisper was a possible summons. I like the name Petapalooza and was curious. I “heard” it was yesterday and noticed nothing was happening in the area. That is because it was scheduled for today!

Friday evening before bed I sensed Dexter asleep in his bed. Almost instantly I realized this could not be. Yet I gave myself permission to allow this idea to express itself. While asleep I dreamed about animals. Both a dog and a cat ran to me like babies missing their momma. When I hugged the cat, I felt the embrace of completeness. The cat felt like Dexter, but the body was ice-cold. I remarked about this coldness to someone in the dream. There was also a patch of purple fabric on the cat’s body. I did not analyze the dream, but figure Dexter was paying me a visit.

I awoke feeling confused and sad. Honestly, I have felt sad, lonely, missing, and angry for several months now. I keep working to find ways to heal what needs healing. I considered that the Petapalooza may offer some answers.

The weather is lovely so I did not mind the long walk from my car to the festivities. I told myself my body requires more exercise. At first I only saw dogs around, but eventually I noticed some cat rescue organizations. I checked out some cats, with the intention of browsing. I am not ready to adopt. Even though it will be 2 years next week since I lost Dexter. My grief has changed since then, but I am not fully over losing him. Part of me has not fully accepted his departure. I am not really surprised at this discovery. Not really.

While I am glad I got out of the house for a while, I was only more saddened by the sight of the homeless animals. I thought of my former cats Dex and Jasmine who I adopted from the SPCA.  Someone at the cat rescue booth suggested people take pictures of the kittens to post to social media. Once it occurred to me that I could help out, I had already begun to walk to my car. I simply lacked the energy to seize the moment. I feel like those shelter animals: abandoned, lost, empty, and sad.

I am not a stranger to depression. In this instance it is mostly situational. Practically everything in my life has disintegrated before my eyes. What I tell suicidal clients is that we are here for a reason and it is not our choice to end our lives. I am here to see how it all plays out. But at this moment it does not look good.

Purple Forever

Here is my tribute to Prince, re published on the 1 year anniversary of his passing. As I write this, I witness another otter ( muskrat, groundhog, ??) sighting. He or she was too fast for me to capture photographically. Still cool to receive some awesome creature magick.

I want to use this opportunity to briefly editorialize on the evolution of my blogging, which is very apropos for a Mercury retro cycle. Initially I thought I would write a few posts about my spiritual journey, as an English student would for a teacher. My grades would be in the form of readers and comments. At least that is how it appears looking back. 2013 was an exciting and mysterious time for me and many others. My writing flourished here, and I grew as a result, both creatively and personally.

As my health began to deteriorate and my finances followed suit, my writing grew both more dark and more intimate. I let you in and shared more of my deepest fears and complicated musings. The polished writer facade became more flawed and exposed.

Please be open to every aspect of my writing and try not to draw any sweeping conclusions. Existence is about context and my blog reflects that context over the dimensions of space and time. Creative types are often both tortured and brilliant simultaneously. Please enjoy my Prince post as you contemplate that paradox.

much love, Linda litebeing

litebeing chronicles

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I was preparing to buy groceries when the news came in. Prince is gone at age 57. Think tender and brash, shy and overtly sexual. Think 1999, Purple Rain, Diamonds and Pearls, The Most Beautiful Girl in the World, Raspberry Beret, Little Red Corvette, Money Don’t Matter Tonight etc.  Just Tuesday afternoon while I was driving to a medical appointment, Purple Rain came on the radio. I have not heard it in quite some time. I became very emotional and was surprised by my reaction. Could I have been sent a message foreshadowing this event? Quite likely.

I learned today that he also had an emergency visit to the hospital on 4-14-16 and was also released on 4-15-16.

But I am here and he is not.

wikipedia.org pub domain

I do not have the energy to write a complete post. He had a Gemini Sun, Pisces Moon, and Scorpio Rising. His chart aligns…

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