Art is My Medicine ~ Pre Libra Full Moon Post Mercury Retrograde Edition

Hey litebeings!

As I continue to struggle to process a myriad of emotions within me during a difficult challenge, I yearn to express myself in words. I have done some journaling and have found it cathartic. I also meditated today with the new Oprah/Deepak Chopra series entitled Hope in Uncertain Times. As we integrate this powerful full moon and begin yet another Mercury retrograde cycle, self-care is more essential than ever. While this is a good start, I am too overwhelmed to create a coherent blog today.

But that does not mean I cannot share some art therapy that is guaranteed to lift spirits and lighten one’s burdens. My inspiration today came via a painting that appeared in my Facebook news feed. I invite you to take in the magic of Odilon Redon. I have featured his work here a few times before and the more I discover, the more joy inhabits my being. Let’s honor Libra’s ruler Venus with boundless beauty.

Enjoy the view :

all Odilon Redon via wikiart.org public domain

Wishing you a spectacular Libra Full Moon!

image credits ~ wikiart.org, public domain

Just a Bad Day, 12th house Woes

OMG I have to re-blog. I was meeting today with my spiritual director and thinking about the Sun ( and now Pluto ) transiting my 12th house. Then I went to a restaurant for lunch and two songs that were playing got my attention, Closing Time and Bad Day. I knew they were relevant. I remembered using Bad Day as a blog title. So a few hours later I am perusing my 12 house posts and this comes up! Hopefully this message will be helpful, especially to those who dread the US inauguration.

litebeing chronicles

I am not complaining, I promise.

Just wanting to be real in the moment. Ever have a day that seems to be off course from the minute you leave your bed to the minute you crawl back in? Yup, that’s today and it is happening to me. Despair and darkness surround me and even with the heat cranked up to the highest setting, it is utterly freezing! It is so 12th House today.

I am writing just to express my condition. My prayers appear unanswered but I am not certain. I keep feeling my feelings and reminding myself that I am being prepared for something beyond my imagination. I just don’t see anything beyond the chill in my bones and the bleak dark night.

Love is everywhere and I am aware of love’s inherent triumph. I just feel empty and powerless and unreachable. My ego is in hog heaven, lapping…

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wikimedia.org public domain

The Starman at 70 ~ Happy Forever David Bowie

David Bowie, had he lived, would have spent 70 years on Earth as of today. 70 reduces to 7, a sign of mysticism and Christ Consciousness, associated with the planet Neptune. While Bowie had elements of all the collective energies in his chart, Neptune is certainly well-presented. Artistry, musicality, acting, illusion, drugs, mystery, chameleon, shape-shifter, fashion, glamour, fluid identity, all very Neptune.

Rather than rehash what I have recently written, I rather provide links to various posts that include him in some way. You can choose which posts seem appealing and then discover how Bowie fits in.

My favorite Bowie album, Hunky Dory was a response to the transition to adulthood and becoming a father. It is about growth and maturity. In our society, 70 is considered a milestone and definitely elderly. With Capricorn natives , there is this age-reversal phenomenon a la Benjamin Button ; they get younger and freer over time. I think David would have appreciated that idea and hopefully embraced it.

https://litebeing.com/2016/11/18/sludge-party-neptune-direct/

https://litebeing.com/2016/02/27/a-selection-of-true-awakening-experiences-part-ii-litebeing-rising/

https://litebeing.com/2016/01/18/fill-your-heart/

https://litebeing.com/2016/01/17/timeless-tunes-updated-2/

https://litebeing.com/2016/01/16/share-my-world-2016-edition/

https://litebeing.com/2016/01/11/3-years-in-the-making/

https://litebeing.com/2015/06/09/moon-in-pisces-kinda-mood/

https://litebeing.com/2013/06/30/musing-we-can-be-heroes-just-for-one-day/

I just found out via google that an old lover Paul has died. He was only 55 years old and I am guessing drugs were involved. We were seeing each other when I was in my late teens and I have not heard from him in eons, but he had been on my mind lately. Watching a show today on Iggy Pop reminded me that we had seen him once in concert. That memory prompted me to google him. Iggy Pop and David Bowie were very close. Iggy said that David resurrected him.  Paul loved all kinds of music and that is one thing we shared in common. I think music kinda resurrected Paul, offering healing and magic. I know it has that effect on me.

I will dedicate this song to Paul and in memory of Bowie ( born David Jones). We met in 1978 when Heroes came out. I recall that Paul liked this tune and I think he would approve.

Musings at the Crossroads

SPOILER ALERT: Lots of poinsettia and introspection ahead….

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Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah , Merry Yule, and Happy Kwanzaa (December 26) to everyone associated in any way with this blog. You are my circle, my precious litebeing family, and I wish you boundless joy and love during this Solstice/Yuletide season.

You may enjoy listening to some of my favorite holiday music as you read on:

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There is plenty on my mind that needs sorting and releasing. This hodgepodge style post is mostly for me, but hopefully it will be interesting enough to read through. Way way overdue, so here we go…

High-way hazards: My commute to work is reasonable in duration but part of the trip is on a notoriously treacherous road. Years ago Robert predicted I would be in a major accident on this road. He sternly told me to never use it again, especially during rush hour. Robert was not always accurate, but he managed to frighten me nevertheless. The drivers are very aggressive and reckless and it takes some construction of armor for me to make this daily commute. But the near misses have occurred in other locations. About 6 weeks ago I had a vision after awakening where a white pickup truck or SUV would come at my vehicle from the right. It was so vivid and strange because it was not a dream, but a semi-awake ” scene.” A few days later, driving home on a very familiar road, a white SUV comes at me from the right and almost slams into my car. I drove into the opposing lane, which fortunately was clear. I only had been driving my new car a couple of weeks at the most. Then last Sunday I am trying to get some coffee before heading to a holiday party. It was incredibly crowded in my neighborhood and the energy was frenetic. Another huge, high-end SUV almost slams into me from the left lane. I prepare for a head-on collision and slammed on the brakes. The vehicle just missed me but I felt like I was attacked. I got out of the car, examined my vehicle and walked up to the driver, an older, well-appointed woman. I told her to be especially careful driving such a large vehicle. She declared that she did not hit me and seemed indifferent.

I think this incident triggered my GI pains the next day, which I thought might be diverticulitis. I was in shock at the holiday party and a bit off at work the following day. On the drive home I felt like a creature was kicking me from inside my belly. I went to the doctor and was put on antibiotics. Was it stress related IBS or diverticulitis? Per usual, I have no clue. What I do know is that I hate driving in a world where people poorly manage massive vehicles, text, and make calls while operating them.

Blue-Christmas: I have always felt alien during this time of year and this has not really changed, regardless of any inner-evolution. While I marvel at all the lights, trees decked out to the nines, and poinsettia in every color and permutation, I don’t understand this holiday. I do understand it is borrowed from pagan traditions and correlates with the beginning of Winter ( the Capricorn season), but emotionally it doesn’t click. I just don’t get it. I am inside my bubble where none of the festivities are able to enchant me. Being at work just amplifies my isolation. It took awhile for me to put it together, but working outside the home triggers more sadness and angst and increases my desire to build up my defenses. I do not fit in at work and am actually considering applying for new jobs in the New Year.

I have also requested a transfer to my friend’s position after she leaves. It may signal a new beginning with different co-workers and a nicer office. I find it so interesting that when I begin a new venture I am immune initially to the characters that emerge on the scene. At this juncture, so many of them resemble people I have encountered before. With the exception of my clients, my life has not been impacted much by having these “new” people in my stratosphere. I am still grateful though to be working and earning money. It is just that I continue to find myself in toxic settings and am beginning to conclude that it is not me, it is the state of office politics. On the positive side of the ledger, my supervisor approved my plan to create a new group for the young and/or newly diagnosed. I am excited about building something original based on my passion for helping people get back to the business of living. I will keep you updated.

wikipedia.org public domain

Traditionettes: I just made up this new word to describe some of what I set up for this season on a regular basis. Since I do not celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, there is not much to do. However there are some elements that bring my comfort and peace in a small way. I would seek out eggnog every December until I became lactose intolerant. Boy do I miss that drink, a concoction that tastes like a boozy milkshake. Maybe I can find a lactose – free version.  I always listen to the Nutcracker either on CD or on TV. I have been fortunate to see it live at least once and it was spectacular. Speaking of nuts, I have not eaten any whole nuts since April 2015, but I do enjoy nut milks and nut butters, etc. I am very enamored with chestnuts, going back to enjoying marrons glacés over ice cream as a child. I found chestnut cream this week ~ pureed chestnuts with vanilla and sugar. It is addictive! Try it with ice cream or yogurt, dip chocolate in it, spread it on a baguette, or straight out of the jar!

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I usually purchase a poinsettia and place it on the dining room table. I enjoy experimenting with nuanced colors and patterns. They add a warm glow to any setting. This year I chose one with peachy leaves, resembling autumn foliage. This plant is not poisonous for pets and has such a storied history. Learn more about poinsettia here.

Fate and purpose: I continue to ponder who is driving this bus, meaning, who is the ” me ” that enjoys the Nutcracker and dips chocolate in puréed chestnuts? How or what is the source of my love affair with astrology and Indian cuisine? Where does my affinity for writing and obsession with pattern and color originate? Is it personality or Divine guidance, ego or Higher Self ? Joe Dispenza states that what we anticipate through intention or intuition is really what we are destined to have in our lives. We just get a sneak preview of what fate has in store for us. Matt Kahn says that everything is fated, but the degree of worthiness we attribute to our circumstances determines the outcome. So I ponder: if all is determined beforehand, why desire anything? What is the point? Who is doing the desiring anyway? Any thoughts on this?

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Rudolph’s friends: While listening to the end of Matt Kahn’s video yesterday, I noticed some movement in the backyard. At first I thought it was a dog, but I sensed much  more activity. I observed and counted at least 10 deer hanging out in broad daylight. A few of them were actually prancing around, which seemed novel to me. A stray cat emerged out of central casting, moving slowly and seemingly oblivious to all the deer activity. It truly was a whirlwind of activity! I am quite fond of deer and was happy to have them congregate near me, albeit briefly. So today I was gifted a free subscription to Carrie Hart’s power animal site and selected a power animal for the day. Guess who choose me? the buck! The central message for buck is grace, confidence, and renewal. This definitely seems fitting and the synchronicity between the deer sighting and choosing the buck adds more energy to the message. Perhaps this was a faint taste of holiday magic for me to savor.

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Last Christmas: While preparing this post, I was conjuring up memories of some of my favorite holiday songs. Some of these include Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses. BandAid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas, Do You Hear What I Hear?, Anything Nutcracker, Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song, Father Christmas by the Kinks, and George Michael’s Last Christmas. Most of these are pop songs by contemporary artists that I grew up with. They are touchstones that give me the illusion of safety and comfort. Just like the chestnut cream or eggnog, they are cozy and soothing. They also help me mark the passing of time. I just learned that George Michael passed away at age 53. I first heard his music when he was in Wham and I found his voice romantic and soulful. Many of his songs were part of the soundtrack of my early adulthood. He was so much more that a pretty face; his voice was gorgeous and his lyrics were incredibly moving. I do not know if he died today, but it was announced today, on Christmas. His song Last Christmas helped me gauge the passing of each year and the direction for the future. Call it ironic but one of his most iconic songs partially foretold his future. His life would end on Christmas, his last one.

chestnuts image courtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain

J2P: Women’s Issues and Healing

Leigh’s post on the necessity of feminism is quite moving and extremely relevant. Please read and share 🙂

in lite, litebeing

Not Just Sassy on the Inside

Suffragette (women's rights movement) Emmeline... Suffragette (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One of the arenas in which I have been really disturbed by Trump and the voters of America is the subject of women and women’s rights.

I feel like he’s made it quite clear he thinks it’s perfectly all right for men to grope and molest and sexually harass women any time they want.  And that makes me feel anyone who voted for him was basically saying they favor that.

I know young women today are for some reason turned off to the women’s movement and that bugs me (which I’ve discussed here) but I don’t think they get how bad it was or how recently.

HOW IT WAS

You see I am old enough that when I had my first jobs, there were no sexual harassment laws.  It was perfectly acceptable for a man to follow you into a supply closet or an alcove…

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Lavender to Support the Challenges of Change & Intense Times

I am really into lavender lately and want to pass on Tania’s lovely lavender post. Nature wants to help us heal ❤ and the aroma is incredible.

thanks Tania!

Tania Marie's Blog

These photos I took of lavender in the International Peace Garden were some of my favorite and partnered well with the essence of peace and sense of calm experienced and symbolized by this place we visited and received clarity of direction in our journey. And with the intensities and transitions many are experiencing, I felt to share about lavender again as one way to support self-nurturing and help you to relax into the flow of life more with ease and embrace through the intensity of energies, over-stimulus of things in the environment, or the challenges of change.

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There are many ways you can use lavender, but no matter how you are called to you’ll find it’s nostalgia to bring to mind long summer days, nature’s magick, childhood memories, nurturing baths, tender moments, and of course our enchanting Faery friends.

However you bring some lavender into your experience, your life will increase in…

View original post 275 more words

A Simple Tale

Brief update: Happy to report my laptop is back home after a harrowing four days at Best Buy’s Geek Squad. All sorts of confusion and ridiculousness ensued and I am hoping at least some of it can be attributed to the Uranus station yesterday. I like Windows 10 and it is simpler in design than Window’s 8. I cannot get Cortana to talk to me, but maybe she isn’t one of my guides 🙂

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Two days ago I had a quick tale to tell. Now I have a simple tale about miracles and perspective. I am sharing this not only to inspire you , but to remind myself that all is well, somehow…

 

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I had the notion that the deadline to install Windows 10 for free on my laptop was fast approaching. I am not certain  I want the upgrade because of the privacy issues associated with the new operating system. Still, I wanted to learn more about it. My laptop may be incompatible with Windows 10 because of its age. So I did some research and was left more baffled than before. I decided to call the Geek Squad that is affiliated with the store where I purchased my PC. I was connected to a man with a strong southern drawl. His name was …… DEXTER.

Dexter was not able to answer my questions to my satisfaction and the remote viewing process disabled my security software. This freaked me out so I was leery of continuing further. However, I asked him if his name was Dexter and he answered in the affirmative. I wanted to be certain I had heard him correctly.

In my 55 years of living on Earth, I believe this is the first time I spoke to a human named Dexter. The fact that this happened 4 days after the anniversary of his passing was not lost on me. I sense that this urgent need to learn about the windows upgrade was communicated to me. I cannot be certain of this, but I was considering checking out cats tomorrow at the animal shelter. I do not know if this is a sign I should proceed, or more likely confirmation of my intense focus on my Dexter.

After this encounter, I watched the film Miracles From Heaven. It is about a young girl who undergoes a transformation that tests the faith of her family. I like Jennifer Garner and am attracted to these types of stories. I was quickly drawn into the story because the protagonist has a mysterious digestive disorder requiring numerous tests and hospital visits. If I had known this beforehand, I may have not watched the film. Her stomach becomes quite bloated and she is in constant excruciating pain. She endures an endoscopy and meets with several GI specialists. This was hitting too close to home.

Then the song Collide begins to play and my heart bursts wide open. That song is my jam. This song links me to my mystical encounter that happened eleven years ago on July 21st 2005. Today is July 16th, hmmmm.

The song was used to illustrate a strong connection between this ordinary, traditional church-going  family and the power of Source. I was quite tickled by this because Collide was written as a romantic love song. I intuited it to be about a higher love and it appears that the producers did so as well.

I will not give the story away because this film is relatively new. What I will say is that interwoven into the main storyline are several subtle miracles in action. I noticed a few of them immediately, but later on they are highlighted to convey the significance of faith.

I came away from today feeling mixed emotions. I am experiencing the extreme sadness and anguish that often accompanies pain, suffering, and powerlessness. At the same time, I am also warmed by the electric vitality of bold synchronicities that cannot be explained away.

I still am undecided about getting Windows 10 and adopting a new cat. But I feel less disconnected and more enchanted. Jennifer Garner’s character quotes Einstein at a pivotal point in the plot:

There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.

Which way do you choose?

 

image credits ~ wikipedia.org, public domain

My Best Friend For Life

July 12th will mark the one year anniversary of Dexter’s passing. Tomorrow will be more poignant for me because he passed on a Sunday. I am beginning to receive signs, some of which are rather bold, that is time to seriously explore adopting a new cat. While I will consider this guidance carefully, a part of me is still not quite ready. Dexter made me better, and I do not know if another soul can bring out the best that is left inside my soul.

Here is an old post written a week after Dex’s passing. It is heartfelt and chock full of excellent resources. Please send me some light tomorrow and show your loved ones how much they mean to you. It is everything.

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It has been incredibly challenging to simply survive this week. One week ago today, my beloved Dexter transitioned to another realm. So far this is a realm I cannot reach. I sincerely thank everyone here for their love and support. My longtime readers know that this year has not been an easy one. Your unwavering loyalty is priceless.

While writing is both my joy and my solace, words have not come easily to me lately. My pain is too great and my motivation too meager. Yet I do have a message to convey and I will attempt to do so to the best of my ability.

The week that Dexter died was a very busy one. While I know the word busy is relative, for me the increase in activity was substantial. Tuesday was the dentist, Wednesday and Thursday Caryn visited me, and Friday I took my car to the shop. Saturday, my last full day with Dexter was a blur, except for posting about master/students late at night. Sunday, of course, was my own private circle of hell. I wish I could remember more of my final day at home with Dexter, but I don’t. Unfortunately the details of last Sunday seem to be on a rotating loop inside my heart.

But I want to go back to earlier in the week to share some resources that have helped me and may help others who “stumble” upon my blog. Caryn and I have not been together in Philly since the 1990s. We did hang out last fall in NY after reconnecting on FB. I plan to blog about what brought me to NY, but that draft is not ready for completion. Caryn and I were so so busy: special Impressionist exhibition at the Philadelphia Museum of Art, movie night at an old lovely theater, 2 incredible meals ( one was Indian since we both adore it!) and a mini road trip to Longwood Gardens. Our 2 days were go go go and rather frenetic. The weather was horrible both days and my patience often wore thin. Yet grace did surround us in many ways: a deer crossing on a road where this “never” happens; a “random” encounter with a waiter that was filled with synchronicity, a gratis fruit platter that was a work of art in itself and discounts off our bill; and  the sheer joy of watching Caryn frolicking at Longwood for the very first time. The waterlilies  I am sharing were a highlight of this particular visit for me. They were not in bloom during my last two trips.

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Another source of peace was Matt Kahn. On Wednesday Caryn and I spoke about relationships and the nature of connections. That very evening I come home to notice a brand new video by Matt on soul mates and twin flames. In it he mentions, among many other things, that for some a soul mate may be their pet. This idea prompted me to refer to Dexter as my soul mate on my latest post. Matt refers to a soul mate as a balancing counterpart with little drama or intensity, but great love. While I do not agree with every point made, I find Matt’s take on the different type of soul connections to be fascinating and quite revelatory. This information is especially relevant in regards to next week’s Venus retrograde event.  I offer his video here:

 

Now I want to share some resources that have softened the loss by providing a rare understanding of my bond with my cats ( and most animals and inhabitants of the natural world) and some insight into the grieving process.

They are both courtesy of  Caryn and Karin, “the Carings” in my life. Caryn provided me with this link that really spoke to me. I am very picky about these grief expert offerings, perhaps because I provide these services in my work, or because I am quite discerning. In any case, this article was profoundly insightful. For those who may not understand the connection between human and animal, please take a look and your impressions may shift.

http://www.anaflora.com/grieving/beloved/beloved.html

I especially like both these passages:

The love of an animal permits us to unfold, to open up, drop our defenses and to be naked, not only physically but psychologically and spiritually as well. With an animal we let ourselves be seen instead of hiding behind our personalities, our cultures, our jobs, our clothing or our makeup. They know us as no one else does, in our private joys, angry rages, deepest despair, in sickness and in health. All the while their calm steady presence companions us with an unwavering love like few others on this earth. Our animal companions see through us to the very soul of our soul, encouraging the unfolding of a sacred trust. If there is such a thing as a soul mate, then surely this is it.

Many people have never been blessed with, or felt for themselves, the true love of an animal. They are incapable of understanding that your love for an animal may surpass your love for the humans that are the closest to you. It is a different bond, in a way, more profound; something only the heart understands. What I have learned over the years, as a student of grief and a student of many spiritual traditions, is that no guru, guide, master or friend no matter how enlightened can comfort the heart that believes it has lost what it holds most dear. Whether grieving ourselves, or consoling a grieving friend, often the most useful thing we can do is to simply tell our story. For in the story of our own journey through the gates of grief, or in bearing witness to the grief of another, we can at least legitimize the experience and make it “Sacred.”

Karin turned me on to this excellent video with medium Danielle MacKinnon that was posted just a few days ago. While I do hold some skepticism regarding animal communicators, Danielle is someone who naturally conveys authenticity and warmth. Please check it out if you are called to explore this topic further. What really struck me most was the question posed near the end of the interview.:

 Animals choose to pass at a particular time.  Ask yourself : What was it about this time that has meaning for you?

Here is the link for the video: https://wingingwithwhitehawk.wordpress.com/2015/07/16/pets-in-the-afterlife/

Finally I want to share some closing thoughts. It is so ironic that I have been so successful as a grief counselor. So very many clients over the years suffered unimaginable trauma and loss. I seem to be rather effective at facilitating healing for those in pain and was quite driven to focus on this area of therapy. Personally though, I suck at loss and death. I do not judge how I grieve, so please do not misconstrue my meaning. I just do not like to let go. I do not detach easily, especially if the bond was deep. Losing my first cat brought me to the brink of depression from which I doubted I would ever recover. Yet I did recover and I will recover from this loss. But this journey has just begun…

Let me conclude with a song that helps express the enormity of my love for Dexter. When I call him my best friend and soul mate, I am not exaggerating. It does not mean I do not love or have not loved other human beings deeply.

Dexter

It’s just different.


For a tribute to Dexter circa 2013ish, please visit OM’s site here.

wikipedia.org public domain

Blood Sausage ~ Mars in Scorpio Direct

Hello litebeings!

Life has been hectic and crazed for me. I know that I am not alone in this; we all swim in the same cosmic soup after-all.

First, a few updates. Excuse my delay in sharing my news, it takes me a minute to process information.  I had my colonoscopy and endoscopy on May 19th. I am happy to report I do not have colon cancer. To say I am relieved would be a gross understatement. Diverticulosis ( pockets in the colon) were found. They are a precursor to diverticulitis. You cannot have one without the other. They also removed a few polyps. No biggie there. Some more polyps and assorted growths were biopsied in the stomach and esophagus area. I may need more tests for this, but it is unclear. This is partially why I hesitated reporting the findings. However, the pathology reports discovered no malignancies, so basically the tests discovered nothing serious ( as far as I know.)

I promise to write a conclusion to my Colonodyssey series when the time is right. Thanks for all your support and patience. My health has improved significantly, in spite of no resolution as a consequence of these invasive procedures. I think my improvement is somewhat linked to having survived the tests and knowing my colon is in relatively good shape.

I also began working full-time about 5 weeks ago as a therapist in a community mental health center. I started the job just days after the enduring these procedures and the aftermath. I was ( and still am) reluctant to disclose this news given my recent experiences with community mental health employment. However, I do not like withholding important developments from my readers, so here we go. I also wanted to provide an explanation as to why I have not been around as much. I will read, comment, and post as often as I am able. It is interesting to note that my symptoms subsided, even in the midst of adjusting to a new position and routine.  I need more time to reflect on this..

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Now let’s pivot to the topic of blood sausage, shall we? This image quickly came to me as I considered this recent transit of Mars. Mars can signify blood and Scorpio/Pluto often implies sausage and other phallic objects. So marry both energies and voilá, blood sausage.

Here’s the thing about blood sausage or blood pudding. It is a Puerto Rican delicacy I first discovered about fifteen years ago while dining with social service program staff in the Hispanic section of Philadelphia. Working as a Program Analyst gave me a great opportunity to explore the varied programs throughout the city and explore the local treasures within their neighborhoods. I was afraid to try it because I am squeamish about blood in general. It was so delicious.  I am  really glad I was able to get past my concerns and go for it.

I really appreciate using blood sausage as a metaphor for the times we find ourselves in. Blood sausage is made with actual blood and various parts of the pig. It is a conglomeration of life, mixed with spices and love. The end product is rich with experience and passion. It screams of survival and mastery. There is plenty of alchemy involved as the life juice is intertwined with the flesh and guts. It may sound disgusting and vile, but it is indicative of consciousness in the physical.

I have observed lots of rage and violence the past few weeks on the commute to work, my office, social media, and  television. Some of this energy has been inwardly directed and some of it has been projected onto the planetary stage. Some examples of this phenomenon are Brexit, the US presidential theatrics, terrorist attacks, etc. The heat is on figuratively and literally, depending on which hemisphere you call home. I had hoped some of the road rage and carnage would cease once Mars began its forward motion, but no such luck. Maybe more time is needed for course correction to become evident. Mars in Scorpio is so much more that a strong sex drive. It is about the act of creation, passion, precision, and politics. It is bold, strategic and emotional. It can also play out as transcendent, euphoric, or duplicitous. There are plenty of choices with this placement.

Do not fear the blood sausage if possible. All the fire is inside of us. The flame must not be extinguished for it is the flame of endurance. Taste the humanity in every bite and savor the complexity of existence on this planet at this time.

image credits ~ wikipedia.org, public domain
wikipedia.org, public domain

Sleep Deprivation Induced Truths

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I have become inspired by many writers who share themselves so generously, day by day, blog after blog, article after article, book after book. I want to dig deeper today and invite you to see more of the real me, in this moment.

I yearn to be seen and heard, without any mask or pretense. I will supply more of the back story of my existence. It is as necessary as my next breath.

I am sitting here typing on less than 2 hours sleep. The past few years I have struggled with sleep deprivation from time to time. This is due less to insomnia and more from persistent digestive issues. When I find it is easier to stay out of bed, I come to the computer and television to distract myself. It is easier to go back and forth to the bathroom from a sitting position. I have become more accustomed to the sleep deprivation knowing I eventually catch up on my sleep. I have made my peace with this.

But it has taken time. For about one year ( 2011-2012) I barely held my full-time job. I was out sick several days a week and kept employed due to FMLA. The mornings were the worst, and if I did not sleep, I would call out sick. There are many reasons my health deteriorated back then. But what matters is that I did the best I could to maintain some semblance of order in my disorderly life.

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I am in physical pain almost every day. This has been going on for over a year. There are occasional pain-free days, but they are rare. The pain fluctuates from mild to excruciating to anything in-between. I find it really difficult to talk about this. But it is not that hard to describe here.  At least not now. Plans are made, knowing full well, they may have to be cancelled at the last-minute. My expectations about how I spend my time are incredibly low. This may be a good thing, as expectations drag me down. And yet, I would like to be able to make commitments with a modicum of confidence.

I cope with the pain in a variety of ways, such as prayer, reading inspirational materials, watching spiritually themed videos, journaling, and positive self-talk. I let myself cry freely and without judgement. Many bloggers write about chronic and/or severe health struggles, and I find solace from reading these personal accounts.

Sometimes turmeric and ginger help. Sometimes I try something a bit stronger. It is interesting that I spent about an hour on the phone with a pharmacist about the dangers of prescribed opiates shortly before Prince died. It was as if I knew these pills could kill me. My doctor only prescribed a few pills with no refills. He handled this very responsibly. It is just that I have a tendency to relish not existing in this reality. I also have a history of self-medicating as a teen. Yet I have only taken 1 pill since leaving the hospital, just so you know. But I am grateful the bottle is close by.

I want to share how I felt on April 15th, my latest trip to the hospital. I had just gotten my first IV dose of an opiate painkiller while in the ER for my lower GI pain. This was the kind of debilitating torture that led me to call 911 for myself. I had never needed to do that before. I can still remember how free I felt once the stuff kicked in. I was devoid of worry, my muscles had relaxed, and my pain was virtually non-existent. I raised my voice and declared how great it was to be free! Funny thing is, the subsequent doses have less of an effect. ( Actually this is not funny at all, quite the contrary.)

 

I never know where I will be or how long I will be away from home. I pay my bills as quickly as possible, in case I am hospitalized without notice. I sometimes pack a bag to take with me to the doctor, on the off-chance I may need a change of clothes. I eat most meals wondering if I will be regretting my choice of foods. Why is it that the sauce I could eat all my life no longer agrees with me? Why does the sandwich I prepared last week make me double up in agony when I fix the same thing today? Sometimes the food does not make a difference. Truth is, no one seems to know much about my illness, triggers, or treatment.

I am just supposed to live like this.

Alphonse_Osbert_-_La_Solitude_du_Christ

Today is one of those times where I am struggling with fatigue and pain. I do not know if it will pass or increase in intensity. I never know. It has been so very isolating to keep my feelings locked away inside, only to discuss with a very select few. Many have welcomed a frank discussion about my health. I just don’t like to rehash it verbally. It is quite arduous and seems futile most of the time. But I do not like feeling so alone with my struggle. I want to move out of the false optimism and embrace this moment of despair. For it is real and honest and alive within me.

One day I would also like to put my name on this blog and all of my content. The main reason I don’t disclose my  full name is because I am afraid prospective employers wouldn’t be receptive to my story. The irony is that I cannot seem to find a job to save my life.

Now I wonder if finding one would save my life.

 

Comments are closed for this entry. I would like you to contact me here if you have any comments or questions. Please keep me in your prayers. Perhaps this unfiltered confession will be balm for my soul. Thank you for listening.

 

image credits ~ wikipedia.org, public domain