When I discovered that I had published my 99th post ( according to WordPress , whose standards are scrupulous), I decided I would devote my 100th post to my birthday – which is tomorrow. I am a naturally reflective person, but around this time of year I become intensely introspective. I conduct a mini life review of sorts.
I have reached a few conclusions about this past year that evoke both gratitude and sadness. One conclusion is that writing is one of the main reasons I am here. I managed to push this away for decades, quite successfully I might add. My grammar is still lousy and I am hopelessly attached to run- on sentences, yet the flow of ideas never ceases. Nor does the urge to tell a simple story. I feel sad that it has taken me so long to get here. I also feel grateful that I was given the time to discover this truth and explore it.
Another conclusion is that I have become incredibly cynical about romantic love. I will get more into this in a future post. What I will say now is that I do not think I want to bother with romance anymore. The thought of being joined in that way is emotionally exhausting. My blogging journey occasionally led me to post some synchronicity, poetry, and videos about past love. This nostalgic turn has not brought me joy, but a tinge of melancholy mixed with some unexpressed bitterness.
I will cite one example now and leave the rest for another time. A few years ago my progressed descendant moved into Scorpio. I was not expecting anything, yet it was a very powerful time for me. One manifestation was that I met several people who had the same birthday as mine. This actually happened within a very short time span. I discovered a few days after my birthday that a coworker and I shared the same special day. I saw a birthday card at his desk and asked him about it. Just a few weeks earlier he began to spend time with me and insinuate himself into my life like only a double Scorpio (exact Sun conjunct Moon) can! We became involved very suddenly and intensely. I thought that this was divine love because we decided to incarnate on the same day ( different years). The relationship ended miserably, and there was tremendous fallout that affected more than just the two of us. I abhor the fact that I have not had another birthday since without his memory. It is not my day anymore. I know he thinks of me each birthday as well. How do I know? I know him.
To bring this post back to some form of emotional equilibrium, I will also conclude that all life is interconnected. My time here at WordPress has proven to me that like attracts like and I see so much of my essence in the magnificent writing, art, and commentary. Within this sense of union, projection often follows. When I ponder about at-one-ment and the illusion of separation, I realize that we see the totality of ourselves in each other. The song One by U2 comes to mind, particularly the line ” We are one, but we are not the same.” I believe Bono wrote the lyrics. He gets this as only a Moon in Scorpio man does.
This may appear confusing at first glance. Are we one or are we not? I will explain by saying that we see parts of ourselves in each other that we process as ” Not me!” This artificial division becomes more pronounced in our deepest relationships such as family, close friends, and lovers. The rub lies in the complexity of such shared commonality or history and strong potential for serious discordance. I think of the phrase ” The opposite of love is not hate , but indifference.”
Needless to say ( yet I will anyway), this past month or so has been tumultuous and enlightening. I am so grateful that I am still alive. Self-expression has brought me back to life in ways I am still beginning to grasp. My soul had been waiting for quite a long time. Fortunately the soul is patient.
Thanks again to all of you who have traveled with me as I chronicled my adventures. I decided about a year ago that I would start a blog and that was the best present ever. Except for the love and support I have received here.
As I end this 100th post, I implore you to be grateful for all the love you give and receive.
And in the end, the love we take is equal to the love we make.*
image by Puschinka (Self-photographed) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
One by U2 – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftjEcrrf7r0
* The Beatles