Subtle Collisions

I can’t shake what happened this afternoon. A sensation of being haunted has lingered within me. I figured writing about it would release this encounter from the shadows.

I go to CVS every week. It seems I always run out of something or the shelves are bare and I cannot buy all that I need. So here I was back at CVS attempting to buy something I could not find a few days before. I am scanning the shelves, again mostly bare. This is such a post – 2020 experience where shopping seems very 3rd world here in the States. I spot a very tall figure behind me. I quickly glance over and see a middle aged man. He seems familiar. I look again , donning my mask and glasses which make me harder to recognize. ” Oh I know him”.

I have not thought about or seen him in years but he was a big part of my life when I was part of the Quaker community. We sort of dated. It was complicated. Our connection, at least on my end, was more emotional that anything else. He is a Pisces. Of course he is, lol! We enjoyed art, Indian food, and spirituality together. It is funny that on the ride over to CVS I was thinking about men and how great it would be to be with someone who adored Indian food, the Grateful Dead, and spirituality. In my history, I often got 2 out of 3.  At this moment, I would hypothesize that my musing was a premonition on this meeting today. I ran into him about 3 times throughout my shopping trip, despite my attempts to avoid him.  I knew almost immediately that I did not want to talk with him. The main reason was that I was unprepared. I also had to get home for work. Boy was I glad to be partially in disguise.

What I find most striking about this “subtle collision” is that  rarely have collisions like this anymore. The pandemic and “post -pandemic” times seems to have blocked these synchronous happenings in my life. I cannot remember that last time I ran into a former lover or love interest in a random way. In dream time, yes, but not while here in 3D land.

I do not think today’s event was significant, but the part of me that feels haunted disagrees. I find the subtlety intriguing. The encounter was subtle because very little happened. I am not even sure he looked at me.  If I was unmasked, I think he would have said something to me. Apparently I don’t age because historically people usually walk up to me and remember me even when I don’t notice them. Again, this rarely happens anymore but when it did people would say I look the same. He looked older and so do I. During the dream time, the men usually look as they did when we were together. Reality can be harsher sometimes.

Here’s my takeaway: Most of the people who have really mattered are still alive. Not all, but most, for which I am grateful. I have lost touch with all of my exes except one, who I occasionally ( every few years) message on social media. I did not allow him to friend me eons ago because I thought it would be too weird, but once in awhile I message him and he always responds. However, there is no ” there, there” The man I saw today I don’t have unfinished business with. I recall the defining moment when he made an impact and some of the places we went together. We were never meant to be anything special and I have no real regrets. My lingering reaction is that I wish this collision would have been with someone who I truly miss, where much remains unfinished…