Another Crossroads

This piece may be a little rough. Rather than journal, I am using this space today to work out my thoughts and emotions about identity. When you have natal Neptune conjunct your sun, identity can be a lifelong adjustment.

Some readers may recall that I had an epiphany regarding my Jewishness. While on lockdown I dabbled with accessing my roots.  Mid 2021 I began exploring worshiping virtually at a Reconstructionist synagogue. Eventually I became a member, beginning a long abandoned quest. The quest was to see what if anything does the Jewish faith mean to me. How does it define and deepen my incarnation now? Have I been missing a part of myself all these years?

As a highly intuitive person , many experiences  come to quickly or easily. This came quickly and unexpectedly. But not easily at all. Through this desire to connect with members of the congregation, I came away alienated, lonely, and occasionally rejected or ignored. Sometimes I exerted effort to connect, other times, I patiently waited for the right time. Some of the people I was already loosely acquainted with and a couple others I knew decades before. None of this really made a difference.

I was hoping some aspects of the religion would simply click. The same for the people. I am used to connecting to Spirit in relationship. I can do this alone but I prefer it with others. Maybe this is because folks were put in my path to support me. All of this was effortless. This is similar to Astrology finding me. I discovered it mostly on my own but as a younger adult,  people showed up and took my hand.

I could recount all the experiences that went wrong or went nowhere but it is irrelevant. I did gain some positives from the experience, but not what I was seeking. I reflect often on my nodal placements in my chart. Having  a Pisces south node in the first conjures up past roles as monk, shaman, priestess, initiate, etc. This current lifetime focuses on serving and living with others. Career- wise I am living my Virgo north node in the seventh but lately I am more comfortable somewhat spiirtually “tribeless ” for now.

I am leaving the synagogue because it is now clear to me that I do not belong there. As a soul way too familiar with rejection , this hurts.  However I gave it a good try.  I still have more questions than answers. Why does Israel matter ? What does history of a people have to do with engaging with Source ? With my Gemini Sag – forward chart, why do I struggle with tolerating or learning any Hebrew? Why do I still strongly prefer my Italian identity?

I have many beloved Jewish people in my life and always have. This will most likely never change. I see many of them  naturally embrace the faith that is elusive to me .  Is it because they were brought up solely as Jewish or in a less divided family of origin? Or maybe this religion sparks passion and loyalty? Honestly I have yet to ask them. All I know is that it still does nothing for me. I need to be honest with myself. I wanted to be wowed. I expected that my lineage wanted this for me.

Recently I have attended online a few Quaker services  held at a meetinghouse that I have visited many times for spiritual direction. I live very close by now but have not felt led to go in person. It is so much easier to revisit this route because it once became habit. Perhaps some time I will write about my road to Quakerism, which I feel was fated. The ripple effects never stopped reaching me since leaving my local meeting. The connection still remains. ( Shortly after publishing this post  I  went to check messages at an old email address and received a recent email from a dear Quaker friend that I have not heard from in a long time. I do not think this was a coincidence . )

Somehow this post connects with Billy Joel since he is on my mind. After finishing the two part documentary, I must confess that it was a cryfest. The more I learned about his life, the more I consider him kin. Our synastry is not that strong, but I remain convinced. One example is how he has piano and music throughout his lineage. I have piano on my mother’s line going back at least a couple generations. He grew up with an upright piano and so did I. He can play by ear and so can my mom, and her father before her.  Growing up with music helped me find some peace. It still does. I highly recommend this documentary because it was so expertly done. It is incredibly transparent and heartbreaking at times. I better understand why so may of his songs resonate so deeply in my life. I may be at a crossroads regarding parts of my identity, but I am safely secure in the music of this piano man.

Vienna  ~ I loved this song since I heard it on the Stranger album while in high school.   As an ambitious and confused, intellectually – gifted / highly sensitive adolescent, I was moving way too fast. The lyrics were so comforting, But what did Vienna mean?

Watch the documentary to learn more   …..