I Applied to 200 Jobs and All I Got Was This Moderate-Severe Depression

Hey litebeings, I wondered onto Discover and landed on this insightful moving essay by the ubertalented ( not the taxi service uber) Athena. While this reblog might be off brand for litebeing chronicles, I was so drawn to it as someone who has endured so much suffering via unemployment and the job searches from Hell. Although I am certainly not a Millenial, Athena’s desire to be her authentic self and not be homeless while waiting tugs at my heartstrings. My desire is for some of my readers to reblog her post and help her get closer to finding the career that is waiting for her somewhere. ❤

Bertha Mason's Attic

“And when everything else is gone, you can be rich in loss.”

– Rebecca Solnit, A Field Guide to Getting Lost

About Me, Your Friendly Neighborhood Millennial:

I was your garden-variety smart kid, shuffled through GATE programs of every type from kindergarten onward. In sixth grade, I left the classroom in the afternoons to study Latin roots with our school’s principal for the spelling bee circuit. As you can probably imagine, I was bullied a lot (Apparently, no one likes a first-grader who says “in addition to” instead of “and.”). I went to a competitive high school near Silicon Valley, where– with my AP courses– I had a 4.0 cumulative GPA, but was not in the top 10% of my class.

After getting summarily rejected from the Ivies, I went to a small university in Oregon, where I worked harder than I thought possible to graduate a year early with…

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Who Are You ? Part II

This is the next segment in the Who are You? series that examines my ever-shifting identity. The first installment addressed my ancestry and where I came from. This piece considers my current state of being. I have been busy, mostly internally. I find that many of my attempts to entertain myself have fallen flat as I realize that time is fleeting and I need to be employed. Can’t you hear it, tick – tock, tick – tock?

September is here. It is Labor Day in the US, the unofficial end of Summer. I have visited September months ago in my mind and now my thought form has manifested. There was a time, an innocent time, when September lifted my spirits simply by arriving. I can still visualize shiny new brown leather shoes, ready to be broken in. And then of course came the pièce de résistance, September Vogue. It wasn’t really the actual clothes themselves that set my heart a flutter, as I am not a fashionista at all. For me, the excitement was in discovering the new trends, color schemes, and accessories for the fresh new season. The September issue was huge and bulky, filled with exotic advertisements that promised fulfillment of dreams. If only it was so simple now.

I work tirelessly to prevent sinking into a permanent blue mood by following passions, curiosity, and/or hunches. Sometimes following the thread leads to peace. Other times it leads to bleak uncertainty.

Here are a few examples of what I am into now :

What I am doing: I take myself places that have historically altered my mood in a good way. While I am a vastly different person spiritually, certain activities still whisper a promise of joy.  Movies, art museums, walks in nature, restaurants, visits with friends ; I have tried them all.  My latest trip to the Phila Museum of Art offered up close and personal views of wonderful creations, but the trip itself was unpleasant and exhausting. Yet, I was able to capture some images to share with you.


What I am thinking: I have been working on raising my vibration and resisting the temptation to stay in fear and hopelessness. I have been bombarded with childhood memories triggered by spending time on my High School Reunion Facebook Page and watching a certain television series ( to be explored later in this essay.) The memories are sweet and bitter, but not bittersweet. Some recollections are joyous and others are ghastly. There are also a few that don’t really register much emotion, more of a hmmmmm.. I am often balancing my need to problem solve with the desire to be in the flow. This often trips me up. The past few weeks has resulted in many electrical and technological challenges, before and after Mercury retrograde. Cable, Internet, Laptop, landline, kitchen fixture, thermostat, full throttle power outages, often intermittent and without warning. The newest wrinkle is I can call out on my phone, but no one can call me. This does seem like a metaphor for my identity at this moment. I feel that others don’t see me, hear me, or value me. This does not mean that I am not seen,  heard, or valued, but that my perception is distorted. I feel very disconnected or invisible most of the time.

Searching for work has brought out my cynicism and resentment. These personal traits do not suggest high vibrations.  As with most issues,  I vacillate between strategic thinking and letting go. When I let go, I feel like I ought to be doing something practical. While in problem solving mode, I consider that I am trying too hard and need to slide into the moment and align with Source.

What I am reading: Just like most activities, I read more than one book at a time.  Its how I roll. But  Playing the Ascension Game by Diana Stone has been an unusual diversion that may turn out to be a “game changer”. Diana Stone was an astrologer, shaman, author, and Aquarian provocateur. I do not recall when I got wind of her, but eventually discovered her website and got on her mailing list. Her newsletters were long-winded but quite enthralling. Withe her Sun on my Ascendant, I found a true partner in crime. We corresponded a few times and she even read my blog! She was best friends with the awesome astrologer  Donna Cunningham, who I also had the privilege of knowing online. They both departed recently and Diana’s passing prompted me to buy her book. It is written in a conversational style and covers so many topics on metaphysics. It is close to 500 pages long and is close in size to that September issue of Vogue! It reads like a diary of the coolest kind, as she recounts her experience with traveling to several dimensions and uncovering all sorts of bizarre occurrences. Her  accounts in the Coffee Chronicles lead me to drink a vanilla latte today after a long break from all things coffee. Her book makes me see miracles again, even if only vicariously. It reminds me that I once lived this way. It is THAT compelling. This isn’t really a review, but get your hands on this book.

What I am viewing: I am perpetually viewing something, or so it seems. Black Mirror, Q Anon videos. Matt Kahn. Gaia TV, WordPress blogs ( yea!), articles on Ascension, job listings, Facebook posts, emails, etc. Note how I include all screen activity as viewing. It is not the same as reading off-screen. Tonight I will focus on one series that has me blissfully distracted. The AMC series Mad Men has become an addiction that leaves me wanting more. The show is about a Manhattan advertising firm in the 1960s. It focuses on several characters, but Don Draper is the big fish, if you will. He is a man with a flimsy identity ( sounds familiar?) who exhibits complexity, compassion, and recklessness. He is a tough nut to crack during a very tumultuous time in our planet’s history. I watched a few episodes while it was airing, but have taken to binge-watching it now via Netflix. The series begins where I began, in New York City in 1960. Watching this show allows me to experience some of what was happening in my childhood, but now as an adult. I lived through most of this decade, but was too young to really taste it. The narrative emphasizes how hard it must have been to be female in mid-century America. Women were called girls and were treated  mostly like porcelain dolls or whores. Expectations were low and alcohol seemed to be running from the faucets. Watching this series helps me understand how my parents were socialized. The field of advertising fascinates me, from the artistic angle. I considered briefly entering this field as a writer. In high school I discovered that one of my classmate’s father was in the business. He showed me a little about what goes on behind TV commercials and I was captivated by his insights. Advertising still strikes me as a fascinating blend of  psychology and art, although I am less and less a capitalist with every breath I take.

Don Draper is played by the actor Jon Hamm, who happens to be a Pisces. He is also a recovering alcoholic who spent some time in Rehab. According to Google, he also was in an episode of Black Mirror! Gotta love those synchs. His Piscean persona is so evident in the Don Draper character. His aka could be Dapper Don as his character is so well put together, at least externally. Tall, handsome, creative, charming, and sometimes sensitive. He is also a chronic liar, womanizer, and escape artist, expert at shape-shifting and manipulation. A stunning example of a wounded soul painted over with a illusory handsome veneer.

Jon Hamm happens to be a great actor in a series that contains an excellent ensemble cast. At times it seems like I am watching an old fave The Sopranos, because there is an overlap between big business and the mob. The other parallel is more subtle, but so powerful. Many of the most profound scenes are portrayed without dialogue. What isn’t being said is what stands out here. This creative technique was also very skillfully executed in The Sopranos.  I wonder if some of the writers worked on both shows. Update: Damn I’m good! Just read an article about Mad Men creator Matt Weiner that said that he wrote a couple of Sopranos episodes. Either I am psychic or a really great observer of television writing or both!

I continue to be smitten with subtlety as an expression of life. What isn’t said is often more palpable than what is spoken. The role of the observer is closer to “real” than identifying with a bunch of cells encased in human flesh. The less obvious, more nuanced messages and clues often lead me out of darkness these days. I do process and receive the dark, but must admit that sustained light has been a scarce visitor these days. The numerous diversions and distractions rarely lead me anywhere solid. I am learning to adjust to living an untethered life. But it ain’t a cakewalk, this ascension business. I am not giving up, but am definitely struggling. Fortunately there is so much more to watch on Netlflix. I will take refuge wherever I can nowadays.

As I took in this sculpture last week at the Art Museum, it revealed a subtle message to me. The Bob Marley tune Three Little Birds entered my mind.

Don’t worry bout a thing, cause every little thing’s gonna be alright.

 

Iran

Who Are You? Part I

Who Are You ? by the Who

This is the first installment of a series on identity. I would imagine that most people shift in identity many times within a lifespan. As my spiritual evolution continues to accelerate, my identity is dissolving once again. Yet, if I choose to live on Earth in a body, it is crucial that I remain tethered to some ego structures , aka personality.

Let’s focus today on race and ethnicity. As someone who was raised with two religious orientations always lurking in the background, I found myself quite confused. My mom grew up Roman Catholic and went to church regularly, yet she says she did not like this faith and happily went along with Judaism when she married my dad. She learned some Hebrew and became familiar with many of the customs and joined Jewish organizations.  She did not have to convert because her mother was born Jewish. Confused yet? So if on the surface it appeared my parents were in agreement, they weren’t really. My mother still played Christmas carols on the piano in December, but we were forbidden to celebrate Christmas. My dad said he preferred his orthodox Jewish orientation, but accepted my mother’s request not to keep kosher. Yet he did not eat pork or shellfish on the Jewish holidays and expected us to follow along. It was a hot mess, but made sense to my parents. For many, many years, I was plagued with the inability to integrate the two systems. Eventually this issue fell away. While I do feel more connected to my Italian roots, I have mellowed towards my Jewish ancestry over time.

Then there’s the mystery surrounding my ethnic and racial background, I have been curious about my heritage, part of the identity puzzle, since early on. I began to research my genealogy long before we had the Internet. But it proved to be a rough going. My family gave me very little to go on, because they did not have the facts.  Was it true that my father was descended from Sephardic Jews? Why did people speak to him in Spanish when we visited Florida? Why did my parents fall in love with Spain and Portugal when they traveled there? How could my dad look Spanish when both parents were born in Eastern Europe? There were rumors that my father’s people lived in Spain or Portugal until the Spanish Inquisition, but nothing was substantiated. My paternal grandfather died way before I was born and my father’s speculation was not really reliable.  I also wondered why my father’s side of the family looked African-American when they got tan. My aunt closely resembled Aretha Franklin and this was an established fact. Were we part African?  I also wondered why people continuously come up to me and ask me if I am Native American. Yup, it happened twice within less than a week. Today it really bothered me when a restaurant cashier casually inquired if I was Native American. So I asked the cashier if he was Native American and proceeded to tell him how rude it is to ask people this question , especially in this political climate and when you are working. Maybe it bothers me more than usual ( but it always startled me), because I have zero Native American DNA according to the Ancestry DNA test I took last year. So many questions, especially on my father’s side of the family. Well, the test did provide some clues and a few surprises! 

The photos featured are from places my ancestors may have lived.

Here is a breakdown from Ancestry.com on my DNA profile. I toyed with the idea of getting a test done back in 2006 or so but it was too expensive. I finally gave in and bought a test kit in 2017 and the kit sat there unopened for months. Eventually I bit the bullet, filled up the test tube with saliva and sent it off with high hopes. Was I part Native American? Could I have some African blood? Or maybe something even more unexpected? Or not???

Ethnicity Estimate

EUROPE 94%

 

European Jewish 76%
Western Ukraine, Moldova, Eastern Romania, Poland, Slovakia, Hungary , Moravia
Italy/Greece 15%
Italy, Greece
 Iberian Peninsula 2%
 Spain, Portugal
Europe West< 1%  Belgium, France, Germany, Netherlands, Switzerland, Luxembourg, Liechtenstein
WEST ASIA 6%

Caucasus 3%  Armenia, Azerbaijan, Georgia, Iran, Iraq, Syria, Turkey

Middle East 3%  Syria, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Oman, Yemen, United Arab Emirates (UAE), Lebanon, Israel

 

Conclusions: The 76% European Jewish statistic is dead on. With 3 out of 4 grandparents Jewish, this works. I know for certain that my maternal grandmother descends from Poland and my maternal grandmother was born in Russia in the Ukraine. What I did not know initially was that all Russian Jews were forced to live in the Ukraine in pogroms. Allegedly my paternal grandfather, for whom I was named, came from Poland. But my dad said at that time the borders were always in play, so he may really be German. My last name sounds German, but who knows? Would that account for the tiny Western European percentage?

What seems to be off is my maternal grandfather’s lineage. The 25% Italian heritage was reduced by 10 percentage points. I do realize that this is not a complete representation since we do not inherit all of the DNA from each parent, rather varying percentages from both. Science is not my thing, but I have read enough on this topic to glean that some results will be obvious and others may not be.

The 2% percent portion from the Iberian Peninsula is a nice surprise. While the report does not say which ethnicity stems from which parental lineage, I am guessing this result validates the Sephardic Jewish connection. It is such a tiny sliver of my genetic makeup, but most likely this thread goes back hundreds of years. I do find it validating to see some reason why my father and his siblings and some of my cousins look just as Mediterranean as my Italian relatives ( or even more! )

I suppose it is possible that my Italian relatives have some Spanish or Portuguese blood, but rumor has it they descended from France and later immigrated to Rome and Southern Italy. Since my mom’s maiden name appears French, this theory may have legs. That may explain the tiny Western European percentage.  I know this French connection is strongly valued within my mother’s side of the family. Then again, it is so small that it may be insignificant. Yet, I felt French in my heart ever since I chose to learn French in 7th Grade and whenever I encounter anything Parisian.

The main surprise in this entire report is the West Asian connection. When did West Asia become a thing? Does that mean I am biracial? Does West Asia translate to Middle Eastern? Most of the possible countries listed ( and some overlap) are clearly Middle Eastern. If I am part Armenian, could I possibly be linked with the Kardashians? This category would also explain the darker skin tone that I possess. But then again, I am also Italian. But it does not explain why people think I look Native American ( unless I am missing something here.)

It is not lost on me that the West Asian category is the 3rd largest percentage listed. But 6 % is still a fraction of my genetic composition. It is quite fascinating to ponder which of these various places are part of my heritage. Most of these places are where terrorism is nurtured and a few are on the US travel ban list. Many have large Muslim populations. Frankly, most of these places don’t scream out to me ( like India or Brazil) and a few of them worry me. What is interesting is that this report raises a provocative question. Could I be descended from the three monotheist traditions – Judaism. Christianity, and Islam? And if so, can that help me extend compassion towards all people, even those who hate Americans and Jews? Truth be told, I do not have to be part Muslim to have compassion for those who embrace this particular path. This genetic data has opened my eyes even wider to the truth that we are everyone and no one. everything and no thing.

spain

While I was hoping for some linkage with the Americas ( Brazil, Peru, Guatemala, Mexico) or Southeast Asia ( India, Thailand, Indonesia, Singapore), this is not the case. Originally Morocco was included in the findings, but Ancestry.com deleted it when they updated my results. Morocco is a place I have been strongly drawn to for most of my adult life. Since the report is not as specific as I had hoped, it still could be possible that Morocco is still in play. Like so many things, some answers do little more than reveal new questions. Perhaps some of the places I long to visit have linkage to past incarnations or parallel lives ( or both). Maybe the continual prompt about Native Americans has something to do with encouragement to dig deeper into some of their spiritual traditions. It remains a mystery.

 

 

After I had processed the results, I began to build my family tree using Ancestry.com’s resources. I did not get that far because most of my ancestors lived outside of the US and I could not find clear details beyond my great grandparents. I did take out some books on Sephardic Judaism hoping some aspects of this culture would jump out at me and resonate on an intuitive level. Sadly, this did not happen. It was gratifying though to pass on what I learned to some of my remaining older relatives. I wonder what my father would have thought about these findings. I grew up with so much family infighting about race, religion, ethnicity, and class. I was raised to be biased and to judge those who are “other.” I had such disdain for all the hypocrisy and ignorance. But I see it quite differently now. It takes an enlightened perspective to recognize that we are all worthy and there are reasons behind each and every decision one makes. This is why forgiveness and compassion are so very important.  While many unanswered questions linger, I have a greater appreciation for the diversity and commonality we all share.

https://www.ancestry.com/dna/

 

images of Spain, Portugal, and Iran courtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain

Magnificence in Motion ~ I AM THAT I AM

Hey litebeings! As I continue to find my new voice, I came upon a blog of mine that illustrates the spiralized nature of awakening. While the current flavor is different, I see the message to strongly reflect my journey rather well. As we continue to live during these profoundly provocative and passionate times, may we grow stronger, wiser, heart-centered and peacefully woke.

love ya, Linda ❤

litebeing chronicles

Hello everyone, this is my contribution to Litebeing’s Magnificent Challenge. I waited until today to complete my post because I needed some time to put it all together. I am thrilled with the response we have gotten. After posting a reminder yesterday, two more bloggers added their entries to the mix. Thanks Dayna and Michael for sharing your reflections on what makes you “you“. There is still some time left to enter the challenge. Why not take a few minutes and conjure up  some of your magnificent essence now? There is also a shot at a free reading and this nifty badge to display on your site!

magnificent-challenge-badge

First, a little bit about the process. I don’t think I ever intended to create blogging challenges. I would receive an idea that sparked my enthusiasm and soon after, I would receive another notion that it would make an excellent…

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Guess who’s back?

Hello litebeings! How have you all been? I took a brief hiatus and made the blog private for a little while. It is not a long story, but it requires a long explanation, so for now let’s just say it is great to be back!

I have been ruminating about identity and how it affects my growth potential. I have been busy researching my family tree and learning more about the various cultures that appeared in my Ancestry.com DNA sample. This is a work in progress that I suspect will influence my writing for at least a few future posts.

Another sign of identity morphing is when the outside world works hard to get your attention.  I had two incidents occur back to back that definitely caught my attention. First I cracked the glass on my MSS diploma from Bryn Mawr and this really stung. I must admit I am still attached to my association with Bryn Mawr and that attachments can interfere with one’s forward evolution. Finding a balance between appreciation and over-identification with achievement is my objective here.

Then the following day I get notified that someone may have made a fraudulent charge on a credit card. I did not recognize the charge so I cancelled the card and froze my credit reports with all 4 US credit bureaus. I told myself I will probably meet someone at the bank since I was destined to change my plans and go there to get a new card. So within seconds of leaving my car to approach the bank, a woman smiles at me and calls my name. She was a former supervisor at the City who I have not seen in many years. She is a lovely person and I was happy she recognized me. You may recall that these ” collisions” don’t faze me anymore. I still appreciate them, but they are no longer a surprise. So later that day I get an email from that “fraudulent” vendor and realize that I made the purchase after all! So all these worries about identity theft were a waste of energy. I experienced such a reversal that it made my head spin! Yet I am glad I froze all my credit in light of the Equifax data breach. I am also glad I ran into my former supervisor. But I wish I did not get caught up in such paranoia as a result of a phone call from the fraud prevention service. They have a system for deciding which transactions are suspicious and it was up to me to figure out the details. If I was calmer and more grounded I may have recognized the charge as legitimate, but that did not happen.

What does this have to do with identity? It has to do with victim consciousness. I felt like a victim and acted accordingly. I  can see that now. This is a trap for those with heavy Neptune energy. In my case a Pisces south node in the 1st can appear as a victim mentality. So I have more work to do in this area.

Reading Leigh’s fascinating musings on identity truly helped me formulate many insights about my own journey, some of which prompted completion of this material. Please check them out for yourself, starting here.

It is great to be back in business here at WP doing my blogging and keeping it real. Thanks for listening!

A Selection of True Awakening Experiences Part II: Litebeing Rising

the-mysterious-boat-1.jpg!HalfHD

This article is my contribution to Barbara’s challenge, A Selection of True Awakening Experiences ~ Part II. This new compilation of material will also be assembled into a free E book for all to enjoy. To familiarize yourself with my initial story, please read about it here. To download the original E book, you can download it now or click on the book icon on the right sidebar at your leisure.

First off, I would like to mention that I did not follow the exact instructions with my initial contribution. Just to clarify, my initial piece was not about my current journey.  Rather, I shared my recollections of a profoundly mystical experience that took place in 2005. I did not address my state of consciousness circa 2014. I do not think I considered awakening or ascension when I wrote my post. The idea of soul ascension was not on my radar.

So much has shifted for me since then.

In this second installment, I will share some of my soul’s awakening journey between 2014 and today, plus some other takeaways that may offer inspiration and insight. With both some hesitance and excitement, I offer you a glimpse into the workings of this ever-changing litebeing.

So let’s delve into herstory:

When we last left our heroine, it was early 2006 and she had just quit her secure employment of 18 years. She was so excited about the future and intermittently buzzing from her encounters with James. Transiting Neptune was conjunct her natal ascendant ( house of self) and her inner mystic was resurfacing. Life was a blank canvas, brimming with possibilities..

Here is a brief excerpt from my initial story, where I conclude with some observations and lingering questions:

The dawn was breaking within my being and the light was beginning to enter my awareness. I was barely waking to what waits beyond the physical plane. The entanglement was both between myself and this young man , and  also occurring at the quantum level. Was this awakening fleeting, ephemeral and anomalous? Was it a miracle in the purest sense of the word? Am I still wondering what more can happen as Neptune continues to spend many more years in my 1st house?

These lingering questions will serve as the blueprint for today’s article, paving the way for reflection and clarity.

Was this awakening fleeting, ephemeral and anomalous?

It is quite the challenge to summarize my journey over the past two years, not to mention the last ten years ( 2006 – 2016) where I began the transition to overhaul my career and overall identity. But I will try my best to describe how I arrived at my present destination. Destination, destiny, hmmm, they have the same root; to make firm or establish.

My awakening is definitely not fleeting, ephemeral or anomalous.  I am still barely waking. The more I experience, the less I know. Humility has definitely taken root within my consciousness. I take far less for granted and that is a good thing. Intense peak experiences are absolutely rare and transitory. I highly valued the somewhat occasional extreme mystical openings that have graced my life. My ideas about these topics have shifted since then.  I think that it took many years for me to see that over – the – top, trippy, transcendental episodes are not necessarily the bread and butter of spiritual evolution. I thought that the goal was to get as high as possible for as long as possible. Much of my life is filled with oh so subtle wonder. Bizarre transcendental happenings are part of my life, but not on a regular basis. But synchronicity is a daily visitor and the more I acknowledge it, the more plentiful is its presence.

melancholy-1876.jpg!Blog

Was it a miracle in the purest sense of the word?

This is a tough question to answer. Initially I was referring to my cosmic meeting with James that I explored here. I will now address it from the perspective of my ability to integrate the energies on the path to awakening. From 2002 through 2006 and up until the present, I have had many a dark night. One could label it depression, dysthymia, dark night, or some other nomenclature. The labels do not make any difference at all. These are intermittent periods of extreme doubt, sadness, disconnection from Source, and/or profound powerlessness. My journey has not been linear by any means. It has been more cyclical in nature.

What has changed for me lately is that I do not dwell in any one emotional state for very long. I still feel anger, resentment, isolation, joy, confusion, bliss, empathy, or neutrality, but they dissipate rather quickly. However, I would characterize this current season as one of illness, loss, confusion, and frustration. However, my connection to Source is quite strong and that is what makes the difference for me.  I do feel a bit lost and tired though, but not forgotten or unloved. In some ways, my life has never been as arduous as it is now. And yet, it is also incredibly exciting and mysterious.

There lies the miracle for me. 

wikiart.org public domain

Am I still wondering what more can happen as Neptune continues to spend many more years in my 1st house?

For the astrologers: As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, Transiting Neptune was conjunct my Ascendant in the summer of 2005. It is interesting to note that James has that placement natally. So one could surmise that I manifested someone to mirror that transit for me. My 1st house is very large as it covers half of Aquarius, all of Pisces, and the beginning of Aries. Neptune will remain in my 1st house until 2026. So this concentrated energy of fantasy, communion, and mystical essence has just begun to alter my awareness and melt into my soul.

Certain significant progressions have also impacted my journey. As my progressed Ascendant moved from Aries to Taurus, I became more focused on how Pluto/Scorpio affects my interactions with others. I also became more interested in family and nurturing as I was about to become an aunt for the first time.

When my progressed sun moved from Sagittarius to Capricorn, life became more serious and purposeful. With both my ascendant and sun now progressed into the Earth element, my focus had turned towards more responsibility with a call to leadership, substantial friendships/partnerships, and a renewed admiration for the natural world. Examples include my sacred encounters with the animal kingdom, power places, and a stronger appreciation for Gaia.

pandora.jpg!HalfHD

Significant Takeaways

From the Refiner’s fire into a river of love

The past 2 years have been a continuation of spiritual “tests” regarding shaping me into a purer version of my Self. Losses have been many, including loss of professional identity, steady sustainable income, robust health,  family members, friends, mentors, and animal companions. This refining process has been somewhat unexpected and definitely traumatic in a variety of ways. What has sustained me is a generosity of spirit from many sources. Some were surprising, to say the least.

One could say that my ability to intuit has led me to be more bold and open. This boldness has opened me up to new people, places, and things that were previously out of reach. While I still tilt closer to introvert on the introvert/ extrovert continuum, I have become more at ease interacting with a multitude of individuals online and offline. I am increasingly being fueled by these exchanges, both creatively and emotionally, not to mention spiritually.

Leaving my city employment brought me back to working full-time in the mental health field once again. The response I received from clients reassured me that I still “had it”, the gifts of compassion and healing I had acquired earlier down the road. Working with creative therapists for many years unleashed a desire in me to re-engage with my inner artist. That re-engagement eventually led to blogging back in 2013.

the-flame-goddess-of-fire-1896

Lighting the spark of creation

This creative spark has always resided within. The question was, what to do with it? I was tired of simply being a ” friend of writers “. It was time to be a writer once more. By 2014 I was clearly established as a blogger and now working as a therapist and manager of a recovery program. These opportunities have led me to become more interested in how to combine my creative impulses with spiritual service work. My current passion is offering awakening support to those in need, along with expansion of my astrology practice and writing projects. These desires to lead and expand my sights has been guided by spiritual practices and friends new and old. They are nurtured by immersion in the natural world, music, teachers like Matt Kahn and Lee Harris, travel, altered states ( dreams, meditation) and by interaction with other like-minded people. Many of these unofficial guides have been bloggers on this platform. You know who you are.

Thank You

fallen-angel-looking-at-at-cloud.jpg!Large

Conclusions

I do not know where this will take me. This needs more time and thought. Or maybe not. I will simply state that I do not know. It is more than outer purpose or creative spark or the stripping away of material goods, loved ones or roles. Seeker, mystic, lightworker, starseed ; they all seem limiting. I will just continue to keep breathing and see what arises.

 

the-fallen-angel.jpg!Large

 

A musical finale ~David Bowie’s passing is still a difficult pill to swallow. While he remains an enigma, I am certain that he knew me. As a rebellious yet idealistic teen, I played the Hunky Dory album over and over and over, looking for answers. The song Oh You Pretty Things has a catchy melody with intriguing lyrics, but was certainly over my head. In the wake of Bowie’s death, revisiting the lyrics triggered a volcanic reaction to my core. The song is both darkness and light, as is the Earthly experience. Please give it a listen here and you will understand how his influence has informed my awakening.

 

artwork by Odilon Redon via wikiart.org public domain

Pain, Empathy, and Vibration

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Yesterday I finished reading Traveling to Parallel Universes by Trish LeSage. I just noticed her last name is Le Sage. How perfect for this Sagittarius season!

If you are fascinated like I am about experiencing other dimensions, read her book. There are so few books out there about this topic. Trust me, as I have researched this rather diligently.

This post is not a book review though. I had a mini-epiphany tonight and it was based on something I read about last night in the book.

It goes a little something like this…

I went on an interview today and I felt utterly crushed when I got home. The funny thing is, I probably will be offered a job there. I do not want to describe the interview or the details of the job. I do want to describe my thought process.

Longtime readers know what a sucky year I have had. Not the worst year of my life, but not one I would ever want to repeat. Lots of Uranus energy everywhere, fraught with unexpected crises and missteps. Most of the happenings were beyond my control. But one was by my own actions and I have not properly forgiven myself yet for it. I lost credentialing as a therapist because I left my practice before finding a new one. I cannot accept private insurance unless I attain the highest level of licensure. This fact was accentuated today as I interviewed for a job I already had and this feels like going backward. So many restrictions continue to interfere with my ability to break free and really live. I sat myself down and asked myself ” How did you end up in a life you do not recognize with so few options?”

A little later the mini-epiphany arrived. I was thinking about a program I helped create. I discussed the Grief and Loss group in the interview and how it came to be. The program was an offshoot of my reaction to the sudden death of my father and a few other sudden losses that occurred around the time of my starting a new job at a Mental Health Recovery Center. Within just a few months of my arrival, a coworker lost her father, a beloved client dropped dead of a heart attack, and a longtime employee died during a freak accident. The atmosphere was so sad and mostly everyone shared in the feelings of helplessness and devastation. I shared with the interviewer that my poor ability to grieve fueled my empathy and birthed a new way for clients to work through years of grief and loss. I do not think the interviewer was that interested in my story, but the telling served me well. I began to think about one of my favorite conundrums : how to be kind  and also be an empath. Matt Kahn and other teachers say that kindness is a great way to raise one’s vibration. I don’t do nice very well when I am supersensitive to my environment. I can become quite impatient and frustrated once I hit my limit. I want to be nice and sometimes the best I can do is be kinder to me for failing to be kind.

This premise triggered a memory from LeSage’s book. She was discussing the moods of people encountered in parallel universes. The author found that nicer people often resided in the lower dimensions ( 1st and 2nd) and that the higher one travels, the more unpleasant the people were. I was really baffled by this initially. Wouldn’t most people be kinder and friendlier in places where miracles abound and physical bodies were lighter and manifestation was typically instantaneous? Why would the kindest folks be in dimensions that are very negative and dense?

This is the thing ~ difficult lives change our outlook. We can become bitter or we can become better. We can reek of sourness or invoke alchemy and create delicious lemonade to quench our thirst. Pain can increase empathy and empathy creates kindness. LeSage goes on to say that in the higher realms life is easy and empathy isn’t required. I don’t live in the higher realms, but I think I would prefer it. Isn’t that what ascension is all about?

So I may make an excellent therapist because my life has been rather difficult. But can I raise my vibration when I feel so resigned to a life offering so few choices and so many doors slamming in my face?

Then I thought about the Lee Harris video I watched today. He emphasized the interplay between inner outrage and the outer world. I considered all the fears and paranoia that have surfaced recently in my consciousness. The video confirmed that most if not all of this is less about my life and more about my assimilation of the violence on the planet. I minimize my exposure, but empaths will feel energy without tuning into the news. I have never been clear which is my stuff and which is totally environmental. Yet, I can clearly see the shift in me as being connected to outside events. I guess I wasn’t able to do so before. Thanks to Lee for helping me discern the source of my recent death anxiety. It is reassuring to realize that I am not alone. This is not the solution though. But that is a different matter entirely that I am not prepared to address.

I hope my perspective will shift about my immediate future. I do not want to sink back into melancholy and victim consciousness. I am aware that my emotions wax and wane rather quickly. At the moment, I feel rather peaceful actually.

I am not looking for those reading this to feel compelled to cheer me up or offer answers. I do welcome any thoughts on how to remain kind on such a chaotic planet or on matters of alternative dimensions and realities.

Or anything else you would like to discuss. I could use some company tonight.

I will have to figure out how to live creatively and optimistically here in this reality until further notice. Thank God I can blog. Maybe if every being on this planet could blog, well …..

header image: wikipedia.org, public domain featured image : the awesome Josephine Wall.
wikipedia.org public domain

The Golden Road to Transformation

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What a long strange trip it’s been, indeed.

My inspiration for the Time Machine Challenge started on a crisp and brilliant afternoon in September. If you are new to my blog or would like to catch up on your reading, please visit here to find the entire roster of spectacular challenge blogs. Reminiscing about my first September in Philly and the man who represented that era took me back to a state of excitement and joy.  I was amazed how my instantaneous flash of insight was later validated when I visited a website where that former boyfriend currently works. According to Michael Lutin, this time period before the New Scorpio Moon accentuates preoccupation and/or random encounters with past lovers or folks who trigger memories of former flames.

A few connections from Leigh and Laura gently guided me on a path of forgiveness and acceptance of the past. Leigh’s post on the  ho’oponopono prayer got me thinking of all the guilt and regret that still remains within me. An unexpected email from a stranger set in motion a fresh attempt to reframe any past relationships. I am speaking of the ones that seemed to stick with me, defying all my efforts to sever lingering cords. That stranger who contacted me is now a friend who readers know as Laura.

So I set out on an adventure to forgive all my past romantic entanglements, beginning with the first and moving towards present time. I would recite ho’oponono before falling asleep and visualize myself back in time with these former flames. It was often unpleasant as long forgotten details resurfaced. I was also looking to explore with fresh eyes the circumstances in which my ex from college would re-enter my life. I am seeking clues as to what his presence symbolizes for me now. I expected this process would eventually lead to healing. Truth be told, this exercise has been met with much resistance. However, I still am pursuing this path, hoping it is a “path with heart.”

But it is a path unfinished and did not reveal a story for the challenge. Around the same time ( late September) I followed up by contacting the director of the group practice where my ex works to inquire about employment. I did so because my ex works at their other location and my friend spoke so highly of the director. This contact led me to the discovery that I cannot get re-credentialed at my level of licensure. Perhaps this was a blessing in disguise because if I was hired and unable to work, the fallout would have been more upsetting and more time would have been wasted.

So I put off writing a post and hoped for the best. After reading Fiona’s challenge offering, I remembered an unfinished draft from July. Oddly enough, it addresses the challenge beautifully. Why am I surprised to discover that yet again Spirit has other plans?

So without further adieu I bring you my nonlinear, unplanned, but totally cool trip back in time:

See that girl, barefootin’ along,
Whistlin’ and singin’, she’s a carryin’ on.
There’s laughing in her eyes, dancing in her feet,
She’s a neon-light diamond and she can live on the street.

Hey hey, hey, come right away
Come and join the party every day.

Well everybody’s dancin’ in a ring around the sun
Nobody’s finished, we ain’t even begun.
So take off your shoes, child, and take off your hat.
Try on your wings and find our where it’s at. *

Was it 2015 or 1978 or perhaps 1967 ?  You decide:

July 4, 2015:

I had just received some long over -due money. I noticed that the Grateful Dead were live streaming their Chicago Fare Thee Well  50 year anniversary reunion concerts on On Demand. The fees were pricey but I had extra money. I deserved to splurge on something fun and purely entertaining. I had not seen any assembly of the Dead in decades and I was not going to be teleported to Chicago, sans an airplane ticket and place to stay. The concerts were to be held over 3 nights. This could be my last chance to see them perform, ever. Which night do I choose?

I could not justify viewing all 3 shows. I finally decided that July 4th would be the one. My reasoning was they would be settled in after the 1st show and since I associate the Dead with parties, why not celebrate America’s birthday in style? This decision was an arduous process. As an INFJ, I like to ponder and deliberate, often to a fault. In this case, I am glad I took my time.

Earlier that day I spotted a HUGE beetle like creature on my bedroom door. It seemed almost alien-like. I was terrified but managed to flush it down the toilet. Dexter was oblivious to this terrifying menace, but it certainly got a reaction out of me. I looked up beetle online to see what I could find here.

By J. Coelho [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

This image is a rather close approximation. While I found the various interpretations fascinating, the following paragraph holds true till the present:

Perhaps the most profound lesson the beetle shares with us is the lesson of transformation and adaptation. Beetles engage in metamorphosis for development and growth. From egg to adult, they are a marvel of transformation illustrated in a short lifetime. They go through these revolutionary transformations with aplomb, very nonchalantly and matter-of-factly. Beetles embrace the flow of life and all its transitions without question. They surrender to change.

Looking back, I realize that this was my final complete weekend with Dexter. I was blissfully unaware that he would be leaving me so soon. Yet I did surrender to change and enter into a phase of transformation. The beetle sighting was fortuitous as it signals a new way of being on the planet. I would venture a guess that Dexter is more adaptive than I have been, given his loving demeanor in spite of multiple placements and tricky health issues.  We have so much to gain from the natural world.

Post beetle episode, I am ready for the concert. There was so much to take in and integrate.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined watching a live concert on TV in this fashion. The word surreal is not superfluous in this instance. The telecast was filmed so you were truly in the moment, without commercials and artificial editing. I cannot exactly describe it, but it was quite close to being there in Chicago.

It turns out I almost lived in Chicago. My parents traveled their often as it was where my dad’s company’s main headquarters were located. It is also where they purchased my very first astrology book. I still have it and it was published in the 1960s. I also made a wonderful friend from Chicago who I met in Miami. We both stayed at the same hotel for 2 years over Xmas holidays. We became pen pals and I never forgotten her. Plus I have some online blogger buddies from Chicago so the city keeps appearing in my life.  I recently found out that we almost moved there when I was young. My mother revealed that my dad was offered a big promotion at the main headquarters. I was shocked to hear that he turned it down, given we moved around so often.  So here I am focusing in on elusive and mysterious Chicago. Here’s yet another example of the road not traveled.

wikipedia.org public domain

The music itself was very moving. The pace was slow and many of the songs were folksy and bluegrass style. The evening progressed like a heartfelt lullaby. Yet at certain points the mood shifted and the pace quickened. I had not been feeling well and was functioning on little energy. But I was propelled to get off my couch and dance. One song in particular set me in motion like a dervish. The Golden Road to Unlimited Devotion was playing. I could have been hallucinating , but I was lucid and sober. As Dexter watched, I began to swirl. This is MY song and I have never heard it performed live. I felt as if another force was propelling me into seamless, graceful, dizzying, flight. How did I get so energized? What was the source of all this power inside of me? I was floating on air, whizzing in circles, free of obstructions or constraints. I was on fire!

Later I researched the show online to read about the setlist. I came upon this article that blew my mind wide open. Here is what was written about the Golden Road performance:

Next up was “The Golden Road (To Unlimited Devotion),” a song Jerry Garcia wrote about the Haight hippie scene that The Grateful Dead only played a handful of times in 1967. Bruce Hornsby and Trey Anastasio fronted the group on the obscurity.

My favorite ( among favorites such as Eyes of the World, Sugar Magnolia, Truckin’, Scarlet Begonias, US Blues, and Box of Rain, to name a few) is basically a favorite of the few. It was last performed in 1967. I had not even heard of the band until 1977 and had not attended my first show until 1978.  It is probably a statistical anomaly that this song was performed on the exact night I decided to watch the show. This is not just a song to me. It is an anthem. I was this chick in the song in high school and college. Or at least I imagined myself to be like her. She was free and blissful and at peace. Perhaps I longed to get out of my own way so I could be her.

I actually transformed into her a few months earlier. Here is an excerpt of my May 26th post on dream number 3 of an incredibly active sojourn of slumber.

May 26, 2015 ( circa 1978?)

And now for something completely different:

3 – Went back in time to the 1970s. Lots of teens around, big crowd. I run into a friend.We will call him “Sam.” He used to be my dream prompt. Seeing him meant I was dreaming. He has not appeared in years though. There was to be a 1970s party. I was excited about this. My friend “Sam” said I would like to dance with you , big smile. I was so excited and I typically don’t like to dance. Lots of love between me and Sam, unlike real life where we were longtime yet intermittent, platonic friends. I knew him from when I first moved to NJ in the middle of 6th grade through the summer after HS grad when our families vacationed at the same hotel down the shore. At the party, there was such a joyous atmosphere. The room was dark and the music was psychedelic. Sam and I hit the dance floor and did our thing. We were both young but I danced with the confidence of a more mature person. In high school I would have not felt as eager to express myself this freely.

When I turned around I saw a young Bob Weir singing Grateful Dead music. It was a big surprise. I have dreamed of Bob and Jerry( Garcia) many times before over the years. Sometimes while dreaming I talk with them. In this dream I did not know Bob, nor did I interact with him. I was so excited and remembered Sam was there at my first Grateful Dead concert in 1978. The same day he and his band performed a concert at the high school. A group of us began to chant the date of that concert 5-13-78. ( later I checked and that was the actual date of the concert. How did I remember that?) It was wild. I said to him “You were in a band!” I think he was the lead singer. My friends who attended the concert with me were at this party or at the very least I mentioned them to Sam. Some of Sam’s friends were also there. Sam and I were becoming a couple and were very happy. I felt loved and adored.

What was so interesting was the Bob Weir became the face of the Dead once Jerry Garcia passed away. He was my favorite anyway so I would always focus on Bobby. I was also stunned to realize the prophetic nature of this dream. I was seeing Bob Weir perform and dancing as if no one was watching. I was imbuing my current knowingness into the past.  What a wild ride of past and future morphing together in Dreamtime. You could say that for a few short minutes I was livin’ the dream.

I said Fare Thee Well to Dexter one week later. I also learned that the farewell concerts were not the last. A newly formed group called Dead and Company featuring Bob Weir, John Mayer ( another Libra with loads of Scorpio) , Mickey Hart, and others have begun touring recently so the music apparently never stops in some form.

Update: Apparently Dead and Company were performing in Philadelphia last night ( 11-5-15) while I was completing this post. The synchronicity continues…

We never know how much or how little is happening at any given time. I did not know that my current physical body possessed that much energy. I certainly never expected to hear the Golden Road performed live and in real-time in my living room. Life is a mystery that keeps surprising me, just when I think I’ve got it all figured out.

But I have figured out one important lesson. I want to play! Perhaps having the experience of both spontaneity, exuberance, and confidence will assist me in replicating this behavior going forward. My birthday is approaching as I type and I have set my intention to be that girl from the Golden Road. Being free and playful and in motion is the way. 

The time machine kept me quite busy, transporting me to and from Philly to Chicago and to 1967 ( around the year I began studying astrology), 1978,  2015 and beyond. My consciousness flowed from waking state to frenzied ecstasy to Dreamtime. My challenge was not what I intended upon its inception in September. Yet I took the steps necessary to get me to this point. Now I am ready to try on my wings.

*lyrics credit

Here’s a video of the original 67 performance.

Here’s what I saw on 7-4-15.

Thanks to all for another spectacular blogging challenge. They keep getting better because WE keep getting better.

image credits: beetle by J. Coelho [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons dervishes images, wikipedia.org, public domain
header image, wikipedia.org, public domain

She who can master, does. She who cannot, studies forever.

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It took some time, but I was able to cultivate my entry for Ka’s 3 day quote challenge. Thanks to the awesomely kind and creative Ka of Fiesta Estrellas for nominating my blog for this project. I am not in the proper head space to nominate other bloggers, but if any of my readers feel inspired, please join in and add your mojo to the party!

This post came together this weekend as I began to review my extremely busy week. The topic of teaching and learning is not a new one for me, but recent face to face discussions, media, and other factors created a ” perfect storm” for me to marinate in.

When contemplating my fervent interest in the work of Matt Kahn, a little birdie landed on my shoulder and squealed ” be careful.” This birdie knows me well and reminded me of an old tendency to put people on pedestals that later became rusty and disintegrated into itty bitty pieces. I have known loved ones who knowingly or unconsciously became involved in cults. In every case, some collateral damage occurred and it was not pretty. The ripples from the fallout continue to reverberate to this day. I feel sad for those who lacked the life experience to be able to properly discern which choices were for their highest good. I witnessed great abuses of power and was unable to do anything to prevent them from happening. I pray that all involved have found forgiveness and peace.

In many traditions, discipleship is part of the initiation process. I cannot speak to this personally as I have never participated in such an arrangement. I have worked with a variety of “teachers” over the years and all of them had some difficulty with ego. This does not seem atypical since most human beings struggle with ego. It can be intoxicating to be worshiped by many on a constant basis.  I do take responsibility for my part in these interactions since I was always a willing party. Fortunately my boundaries were well established and no real harm resulted.

Let’s take a look at the first quote:

When the student is ready, the master appears.

Buddhist Proverb

Originally I interpreted this to mean that in Divine timing all seekers will find the ideal person to play the role of ” master”.  I often looked at particular astrological transits to predict when I may attract a new sage into my orbit. With my Venus in Sagittarius, this was not that difficult to manifest!

Today I see this quote with fresh eyes. What if when the student is ready, she becomes the master?

hmmmm, clever, no?

Why must a student remain a perpetual student? How much learning and practice is necessary? Isn’t mastery part of the game? I have two Master’s Degrees but never felt a master of either discipline. It seemed arrogant to take that title seriously. The truth is that formal education does not a master make. The recipe is not based on a GPA or the pedigree of the University. Mastery is complicated because it does not typically occur in a prescribed manner. It is not static either. It can be lost, regained, or appear to be in flux. It is not subject to the laws of 3D reality.

Now let’s examine the next quote:

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

Man and Superman (1903) “Maxims for Revolutionists”

 George Bernard Shaw.

Historically I never liked this notion. I found it to be snarky and cynical. My enjoyment of the teacher archetype at work, in part, is why I found this to be distasteful. ” Hey, if I love to teach and am good at it, this does not apply to me! ” I have so much Mercury Jupiter energy in my natal chart, so I am all about the magic of academia and the perpetual process of studying and disseminating knowledge. My Sun/ Moon phase is the disseminating phase, for goodness sake!

Recently I have begun to view this idea from a new angle. I learn best  by direct experience. I also am a fan of those who teach by example. In psychological circles, this is called modeling. It is all about the behavior. This reminds me of yet another favorite quote, actions speak louder than words! When I consider all the folks I know who call themselves spiritual or awake or enlightened, I often walk away less than impressed. In my life, those who say less are usually more evolved in their deeds than those who anoint themselves as self-realized. Have you arrived at the same conclusion?

Ready for the final quote? :

If your blessings becomes automatic, and if you stop seeking for knowledge, knowing that everything you need to know will find you, then you have found the dissolving of the Student, and the Emergence of the Master.  

Matt Kahn

It could be considered ironic that I end this discussion with a Matt Kahn quote, but I can live with that. It is some of his material that accelerated my inquiry into the dynamic between student and master. As I find myself connecting with more people from different generations and worldviews, this dynamic appears more frequently. Questions often arise such as ” When am I ready to lead?” or ” What exactly are you able to offer another about your journey thus far? ” With my astrology practice it took decades before I stopped calling myself a student and took on the title of astrologer. It took even longer to shed the label of seeker.  I attribute this to my unrealistic( and hopefully former) standards of perfectionism.

The notion that all that one needs to know will find you in an instant is provocative and comforting. Yet it is difficult for me to drop the idea that life is a school and we are here to learn lessons. I have latched onto this philosophy with great passion  and enthusiasm. If Matt Kahn’s quote has merit, perhaps I have learned the lesson that I am not here to be an eternal student. I also am grounded enough to embrace the material Matt Kahn provides without turning him into a guru. Lesson learned.

There is so much more I can say on this subject so perhaps I will continue on in a separate post. Thank you Ka for initially introducing me to Matt many moons ago, before I was able to listen intently, and for gently encouraging me to take on this challenge. It has all come full circle.

As always I welcome reactions and questions in the comments section.

This old Police song can be heard on multiple levels; as a twisted love song, a back story on the eventual breakup of the band, or a struggle between master and disciple. Listen and arrive at your own conclusions. It is a stirring piece any way you slice it!

Police – Wrapped around your finger:

listen now

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This may have been a verbose essay, but I had a lot to express. And there is probably more to say in the near future, as I find this topic fascinating. Thank you for accompanying me on this wild ride. Hope 7-11 has been lucky for you.

blessings, litebeing

image credits: my  most recent photos at Longwood Gardens.

Secret

springtime-of-love-1917.jpg!HalfHD

 

Wanna know a secret?

Love yourself.

It is not really a secret.

You always had the answer deep within.

That’s all you need to know.

Period.

 

Let’s love who we are all the time.

No-thing else is necessary. No-thing else is real.

 

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

image credit, wikiart.org, public domain