SPOILER ALERT: This is not a puff piece. Buttons will be pushed for some readers but I hope you will all keep scrolling…..
I could have just as easily made this a private entry in my journal, but my higher self knows better. This blog is my forum to do me as I continue to change and grow. I surprise myself more and more with how the changes keep showing up. I am famous in a way for my stubbornness. Many would call me bold, in your face, strongly opinionated and obstinate. I am less and less dominated by these qualities these days, except perhaps for the boldness. There is a part of me that longs for the reliability of the former personality. Does this resonate for you? I hope these thoughts are clear, but these discoveries are rather recent and take some effort to sort out.
After much rumination and indecisiveness, I made a decision and took action on it today. I got the first dose of the vaccine. Yup, I did it. A few weeks back I blogged about my wavering on my personal energy update. I have zero planets in Libra and often wonder about how the Venus – ruled handle the constant inability to take a stand. Now I have a much better understanding of this energy signature. I find it to be tortuous to be in that mindset. I am relieved somewhat to be off the fence.
I prayed for signs and none arrived, I have meditated and processed tons of information. Nothing significant was revealed. But gradually I found my voice. I will share it with you now:
These past 16 months or so have taught me so much about myself , especially my shadow. My long standing fears about health and safety have grown to the point where they have interfered with my quality of life. Fear of contagion, destruction, isolation, aging, deterioration, annihilation…… All the Scorpio stuff, but at another level.
I want to participate in the simple pleasures of daily living that I have opted out of throughout most of 2020 and all of 2021. I decided that getting the vaccine will begin to strip away fears of illness and worries about motivations of “others” I encounter in my neighborhood, while running errands, and wherever I go. I do not enjoy the ravages of paranoia that sometimes penetrate my psyche. My active curiosity is a blessing, yet my voracious appetite for the truth has taken me into some truly dark places. The Wingmakers saga drove me deeper into depression the further I travelled down into that rabbit hole. While I do not regret my zeal for knowledge, my emotional nature is very sensitive and often suffers when I find myself overwhelmed and confused. I find myself in a similar state these days. So much uncertainty for long stretches of time. My spirit can float to other dimensions, but this body calls 3D home.
I have a headache, my right arm hurts, but I made a choice before anyone had the chance to make it for me. That aspect of this process feels good to me. I am tired of living in limbo and figure that as the Quakers say, Way will open now that my life has less limits. What is freedom and sovereignty when a spark of the Divine takes residence in a perfectly imperfect aging body? How does it operate when the collective plays out as an illusion of duality? I figure that when our souls opted in to incarnate here, we left freedom and sovereignty behind. At least that is my perspective as of 8:58 PM EDT.
I welcome all comments as long as they are respectful. This is my story and every story has twists and turns. Mine certainly has had quite a few. i learned at a very young age that life is not what you expect or predict. This lesson was harsh but it served me well. I know that I need more support for my fears ( gnarly 12th house transits) and I am actively searching for the most effective ways to get the help I need. While I am grateful for all the love, beauty and wonder that graces my path, I still have to take care of the shadow.