Fight Injustice Without Hate

I really truly thought I knew myself better. I expected to weather this isolation period rather well. I am an introvert at heart, that loves lingering in books, with solitude and the old oak tree as a backdrop. I figured once the shock of my layoff wore off and my benefits were established, I would discover some joy within and thrive with all this newfound free time. Well, I was mistaken. The perpetual conflicts I encounter with others continue in my pursuit to receive the benefits I worked hard to acquire. I pay taxes and I have worked very hard over my lifetime, often in psychologically toxic workplaces. My last employer should change its name to Clusterfuck. Yup, I just wrote that sentence. Anyone still wonder why my blog is anonymous?

My health is now showing the delayed result of my anger and pain. I have skin eruptions on my face and hands. It is painful and feels like extreme sunburn. Anger often is a response to hurt. Yes, I do feel hurt. Along with grief, rage, sadness and some hatred. It is unclear anymore which is mine and which is of the collective. As an empath, it is a challenge for me to discern with accuracy. Let’s say some of this stuff is mine to own. I will give you a recent example. Many errors were made by my last employer regarding retirement and health insurance benefits. None of these errors benefited me. I have put in hours upon hours working to unravel the mess that was made in order to clean it up permanently. I had to change insurance providers and was due a refund. Finally, I was told a check was on its way to me. The amount was much smaller than what was owed to me. Apparently they subtracted some funds that were a “writeoff ” for unpaid premiums. This is the thing: I had a zero balance and owed nothing. The insurance company gave me the timeframe of several years ago and I was employed at that time. They say the employer owes them money so it was deducted from my refund. I lost my composure and blew up. And then I gave up.

Around this time George Floyd was assaulted by police and is allegedly dead and my city is now “on curfew”. First of all, I do not know if this murder happened and/or the riots are staged. What I do know is the world is broken and I am out of answers. I have started limiting my social media and tv news consumption. I have asked for dreamless sleep, but have been denied this request. I have to admit I have some hatred in my heart. I have to admit that my past trauma of being a victim of violence has come up again. Many have said that old stuff is coming back for integration during these times of “awakening”. I thought I had done enough self-examination to last 50 lifetimes. My life force seems to be weakening.

So I watch nature and work on preserving Spring Green. Then an advertisement for Quaker zoom worship at Pendle Hill caught my eye. Pendle Hill, one of my power places where I met James and found mystic openings at every corner? Yes, that’s the one. They are offering anyone the chance to join the staff in daily meeting for worship at the Barn via Zoom. I have not prayed this way in many many years and have not been to Pendle Hill in quite some time. Although much of the energy of this place had dissipated for me, I was curious about this opportunity. I joined the worship group this Saturday morning. There were many tech difficulties and it looked like there would be no service, but the team prevailed. Over 100 people from all over the planet prayed together in silence. In Quaker worship, words are spoken only when someone is moved by Spirit. An African American woman was moved to speak. She wondered how she could fight injustice without feeling hate. I instantly knew her words were meant for me. I listened and reflected and remained silent. A few others spoke and at the end the Pendle Hill staff facilitated sharing of blessings and challenges and prayers for others. Then everyone says “good morning” via Zoom. I felt a lightness and some inner peace that lasted a few hours. When I went outside my home and sensed the sounds and wonder of Pendle Hill’s campus. It is hard to explain how this works but it is as if the energy of the campus is transported to my neighboring surroundings.

I was able to climb out of my temporary placement in the abyss after attending this service. I needed to know that others are struggling with injustice and not always doing it “correctly”. I realize that my personal struggles are not race related but have more to do with financial insecurity, loss of dignity, loss of respect, and loss of power. It is easier not to fight, but is it proper? I do not think so. These days I still find myself trapped in quicksand, where the seemingly easiest tasks take forever to complete, or devolve into battles of will. Eclipse season is upon us and I do not have any answers, but I was able to display some Spring Green imagery and can seek shelter in morning prayer , at least one time.

images courtesy of wikipedia and wikiart public domain and litebeing chronicles © 2020

Winter Review ~ Radical Empathy

Since some of my strongest writing mojo occurs when the Moon is in Taurus ( my natal 3rd house) I figured I would eke out a quick blog. This is the next segment in the  Winter Review “of weirdness” series ( in which I extended Winter from 9/17 through 3/18.)  The Thanksgiving 2017 period was fraught with challenges, a virtual shit storm, so let me tell you about that three-week time frame. While there were minor astrological happenings during this 3 week period, nothing extreme was at play.  No eclipses or major planetary transits, nada.

Since I did not have Black Friday off, I stayed home for the holiday and that was fine. Three days later I noticed strange pain emanating from my right hand. It quickly developed into a rash with blisters. I had them examined both at work ( we have a nursing team) and by 2 doctors. I was given anti viral meds and the area was biopsied. A couple of days later I develop hives from the anti-viral medication!

Kokoa

Fortunately I was able to have the time off to see a specialist since I was home anyway. This is because 2 days after I developed the finger inflammation,  I was in a three car collision. It took place right by Parx Casino, just a few minutes from my work. A car hit me from behind, causing my car to hit the car in front of me. I was increasingly upset as both drivers of the other cars fled the scene! I pulled off the road and called the police. My car aka Kokoa, was damaged, but I was able to drive it home. It is interesting to note that at the time of impact I was thinking about a recent news article I had read just days earlier, highlighting an intersection nearby as notoriously dangerous. And then boom!, I was hit! Sometimes I get a heads up and other times it is just a fear program inside my head.

The car took a few weeks to repair and I was offered a Mercedes as a rental for a very cheap rate. I forget exactly why, but it had to do with the amount of time needed to rent and their lack of choice of vehicles. It was so strange driving this Mercedes around. I was afraid I would damage it and it did not feel like a car I ought to drive. And yet, I welcomed to experience what it might be like to be affluent. I did enjoy the seat warmers and the keyless remote. I also liked how the mirrors would turn in when you lock the vehicle. I also wondered how I would be received on the road. I notice that SUVs and luxury cars seem to expect plenty of leeway. So this was  a chance to reinvent my driving persona.

wikipedia public domain

Meanwhile a week or so later I find out my hand condition is a contagious virus, with confusion about the diagnosis ( typical with my alien Aquarius rising body.) So I am at a training on AIDS and the trainer talks about getting a call from the health department. The next week we have another training with the same instructor. This is the day I get to pick up Kokoa from the shop. While at work I check my phone messages and I get a voicemail from the health department! I am thinking I may be HIV positive and I panic. I finally get the right person on the phone and find out they were inquiring about the virus on my hand, WTF? I was not notified that anyone had contacted the health department and I was pissed, yet relieved. So  I am driving to the auto shop and a cop pulls me over in the Mercedes, claiming I ran a red light. Here I am trying to get to the shop before it closes and I am stuck  waiting for the ticket to be completed.  Then I get home and see I have only one earring on. So along with everything else, I lost a new amethyst earring, which remains missing despite my efforts to retrieve it at work and the auto shop. Plus now I am worried I have too many points and may face a license suspension! How would I get to work? I am also aware that the drivers in both recent car accidents, (4/17 and 11/17) walked away while I paid several hundred dollars for car rental and repairs. The cop implies I should come to court. Weeks later I do go to court and he offers me a plea and changes the charges! So my points are removed, but they get more money from me in fees. Can anyone say SCAM ?

freerangestock.com

This was a lot of chaos in only a few short weeks, most of it occurring in the span of 2 days. I am still getting body work ( chiro and massage) to address my injuries, and have improved significantly. The massage therapist practices astrology so we talk about all things metaphysical each week. I still get recurrent outbreaks on both hands from this mystery virus, but it seems to be lessening in frequency and in intensity.

What did I learn? There is still no resolution to my mystery ailment or the odd synchronicity concerning learning about health department involvement at training and my subsequent call from the health department. I will share what I learned from my newish car Kokoa enduring two hit and runs within less than one year ; the first almost totaling the car, and the last causing me some physical and emotional distress. This is the situation that eventually led to clarity. After the speedy accumulation of so much fear, trauma, and anger, I was able to appreciate that the drivers are just ordinary humans, making poor choices. While I did not witness the first accident, I was there for the second one and saw the driver leaving the casino and driving recklessly, probably texting or drunk or both. The casino crowd is typically in a hurry to get to and from this  establishment. I could picture myself as a younger version of me, partying too hard and being careless.  I could also, eventually, see myself as the driver in the first accident – apparently wearing a hijab ( according to eye-witnesses) , racing up the hill and slamming right into my parked car, and successfully evading the efforts to be located and made accountable by the insurance company. Her vehicle was a painted over police car and had a very dark vibe. I tried to imagine a person who works the system and is troubled,  attempting to embrace her religious path. Yes, these are both stories I made up, but this is my process. It required a lot more time and work on my part to feel empathy for the first driver, because the accident seemed deliberate and malicious. However, that is just a judgement. Learning about my ancestry also helped mellow me a bit about those who are perceived as possible terrorists. I have had many judgments about women in the US with hajibs, based on my relationships with these particular women.  These judgments are ridiculous, but they were strongly held within me.  I see more and more each day how I could be any personality housed temporarily in any body with any set of circumstances and an ever-changing state of consciousness.

I also judged people who drive huge SUVS, Audis, Mercedes, and similar vehicles. Audis invariably tailgate with delight and without fail. Why, I don’t know, but this observation has made me very wary of this brand. All of these beliefs were based mostly on my encounters while driving. After a few weeks with the Mercedes, I realized quickly that I preferred my Honda and that Mercedes drivers are just souls in bodies! Imagine that! Like most of us, I have accumulated plenty of theories about people based on education, life experiences, or other people’s ideas. I do not want to be that person anymore.  Empathy can lead to forgiveness and I am pretty much living on Forgiveness Avenue. I still wonder why Kokoa has had so much drama, but I am learning to let it all go.

I consider this journey as a portal towards radical empathy, which differs from simply being sensitive to the energy of another being. It is about undoing years of negative ( and maybe ancestral) programming, feeling the hurt, and  finally releasing it back to Source.

Thanks for reading this not – so – short, short blog. Thanks also for helping me keep it real as I learn best in community. Most readers seem to prefer this raw unvarnished material, so enjoy this offering as a gift to you.

 

amethyst image courtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain