Musings at the Crossroads

SPOILER ALERT: Lots of poinsettia and introspection ahead….

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Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah , Merry Yule, and Happy Kwanzaa (December 26) to everyone associated in any way with this blog. You are my circle, my precious litebeing family, and I wish you boundless joy and love during this Solstice/Yuletide season.

You may enjoy listening to some of my favorite holiday music as you read on:

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There is plenty on my mind that needs sorting and releasing. This hodgepodge style post is mostly for me, but hopefully it will be interesting enough to read through. Way way overdue, so here we go…

High-way hazards: My commute to work is reasonable in duration but part of the trip is on a notoriously treacherous road. Years ago Robert predicted I would be in a major accident on this road. He sternly told me to never use it again, especially during rush hour. Robert was not always accurate, but he managed to frighten me nevertheless. The drivers are very aggressive and reckless and it takes some construction of armor for me to make this daily commute. But the near misses have occurred in other locations. About 6 weeks ago I had a vision after awakening where a white pickup truck or SUV would come at my vehicle from the right. It was so vivid and strange because it was not a dream, but a semi-awake ” scene.” A few days later, driving home on a very familiar road, a white SUV comes at me from the right and almost slams into my car. I drove into the opposing lane, which fortunately was clear. I only had been driving my new car a couple of weeks at the most. Then last Sunday I am trying to get some coffee before heading to a holiday party. It was incredibly crowded in my neighborhood and the energy was frenetic. Another huge, high-end SUV almost slams into me from the left lane. I prepare for a head-on collision and slammed on the brakes. The vehicle just missed me but I felt like I was attacked. I got out of the car, examined my vehicle and walked up to the driver, an older, well-appointed woman. I told her to be especially careful driving such a large vehicle. She declared that she did not hit me and seemed indifferent.

I think this incident triggered my GI pains the next day, which I thought might be diverticulitis. I was in shock at the holiday party and a bit off at work the following day. On the drive home I felt like a creature was kicking me from inside my belly. I went to the doctor and was put on antibiotics. Was it stress related IBS or diverticulitis? Per usual, I have no clue. What I do know is that I hate driving in a world where people poorly manage massive vehicles, text, and make calls while operating them.

Blue-Christmas: I have always felt alien during this time of year and this has not really changed, regardless of any inner-evolution. While I marvel at all the lights, trees decked out to the nines, and poinsettia in every color and permutation, I don’t understand this holiday. I do understand it is borrowed from pagan traditions and correlates with the beginning of Winter ( the Capricorn season), but emotionally it doesn’t click. I just don’t get it. I am inside my bubble where none of the festivities are able to enchant me. Being at work just amplifies my isolation. It took awhile for me to put it together, but working outside the home triggers more sadness and angst and increases my desire to build up my defenses. I do not fit in at work and am actually considering applying for new jobs in the New Year.

I have also requested a transfer to my friend’s position after she leaves. It may signal a new beginning with different co-workers and a nicer office. I find it so interesting that when I begin a new venture I am immune initially to the characters that emerge on the scene. At this juncture, so many of them resemble people I have encountered before. With the exception of my clients, my life has not been impacted much by having these “new” people in my stratosphere. I am still grateful though to be working and earning money. It is just that I continue to find myself in toxic settings and am beginning to conclude that it is not me, it is the state of office politics. On the positive side of the ledger, my supervisor approved my plan to create a new group for the young and/or newly diagnosed. I am excited about building something original based on my passion for helping people get back to the business of living. I will keep you updated.

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Traditionettes: I just made up this new word to describe some of what I set up for this season on a regular basis. Since I do not celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, there is not much to do. However there are some elements that bring my comfort and peace in a small way. I would seek out eggnog every December until I became lactose intolerant. Boy do I miss that drink, a concoction that tastes like a boozy milkshake. Maybe I can find a lactose – free version.  I always listen to the Nutcracker either on CD or on TV. I have been fortunate to see it live at least once and it was spectacular. Speaking of nuts, I have not eaten any whole nuts since April 2015, but I do enjoy nut milks and nut butters, etc. I am very enamored with chestnuts, going back to enjoying marrons glacés over ice cream as a child. I found chestnut cream this week ~ pureed chestnuts with vanilla and sugar. It is addictive! Try it with ice cream or yogurt, dip chocolate in it, spread it on a baguette, or straight out of the jar!

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I usually purchase a poinsettia and place it on the dining room table. I enjoy experimenting with nuanced colors and patterns. They add a warm glow to any setting. This year I chose one with peachy leaves, resembling autumn foliage. This plant is not poisonous for pets and has such a storied history. Learn more about poinsettia here.

Fate and purpose: I continue to ponder who is driving this bus, meaning, who is the ” me ” that enjoys the Nutcracker and dips chocolate in puréed chestnuts? How or what is the source of my love affair with astrology and Indian cuisine? Where does my affinity for writing and obsession with pattern and color originate? Is it personality or Divine guidance, ego or Higher Self ? Joe Dispenza states that what we anticipate through intention or intuition is really what we are destined to have in our lives. We just get a sneak preview of what fate has in store for us. Matt Kahn says that everything is fated, but the degree of worthiness we attribute to our circumstances determines the outcome. So I ponder: if all is determined beforehand, why desire anything? What is the point? Who is doing the desiring anyway? Any thoughts on this?

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Rudolph’s friends: While listening to the end of Matt Kahn’s video yesterday, I noticed some movement in the backyard. At first I thought it was a dog, but I sensed much  more activity. I observed and counted at least 10 deer hanging out in broad daylight. A few of them were actually prancing around, which seemed novel to me. A stray cat emerged out of central casting, moving slowly and seemingly oblivious to all the deer activity. It truly was a whirlwind of activity! I am quite fond of deer and was happy to have them congregate near me, albeit briefly. So today I was gifted a free subscription to Carrie Hart’s power animal site and selected a power animal for the day. Guess who choose me? the buck! The central message for buck is grace, confidence, and renewal. This definitely seems fitting and the synchronicity between the deer sighting and choosing the buck adds more energy to the message. Perhaps this was a faint taste of holiday magic for me to savor.

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Last Christmas: While preparing this post, I was conjuring up memories of some of my favorite holiday songs. Some of these include Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses. BandAid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas, Do You Hear What I Hear?, Anything Nutcracker, Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song, Father Christmas by the Kinks, and George Michael’s Last Christmas. Most of these are pop songs by contemporary artists that I grew up with. They are touchstones that give me the illusion of safety and comfort. Just like the chestnut cream or eggnog, they are cozy and soothing. They also help me mark the passing of time. I just learned that George Michael passed away at age 53. I first heard his music when he was in Wham and I found his voice romantic and soulful. Many of his songs were part of the soundtrack of my early adulthood. He was so much more that a pretty face; his voice was gorgeous and his lyrics were incredibly moving. I do not know if he died today, but it was announced today, on Christmas. His song Last Christmas helped me gauge the passing of each year and the direction for the future. Call it ironic but one of his most iconic songs partially foretold his future. His life would end on Christmas, his last one.

chestnuts image courtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain
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wikipedia.org, public domain

Sleep Deprivation Induced Truths

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I have become inspired by many writers who share themselves so generously, day by day, blog after blog, article after article, book after book. I want to dig deeper today and invite you to see more of the real me, in this moment.

I yearn to be seen and heard, without any mask or pretense. I will supply more of the back story of my existence. It is as necessary as my next breath.

I am sitting here typing on less than 2 hours sleep. The past few years I have struggled with sleep deprivation from time to time. This is due less to insomnia and more from persistent digestive issues. When I find it is easier to stay out of bed, I come to the computer and television to distract myself. It is easier to go back and forth to the bathroom from a sitting position. I have become more accustomed to the sleep deprivation knowing I eventually catch up on my sleep. I have made my peace with this.

But it has taken time. For about one year ( 2011-2012) I barely held my full-time job. I was out sick several days a week and kept employed due to FMLA. The mornings were the worst, and if I did not sleep, I would call out sick. There are many reasons my health deteriorated back then. But what matters is that I did the best I could to maintain some semblance of order in my disorderly life.

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I am in physical pain almost every day. This has been going on for over a year. There are occasional pain-free days, but they are rare. The pain fluctuates from mild to excruciating to anything in-between. I find it really difficult to talk about this. But it is not that hard to describe here.  At least not now. Plans are made, knowing full well, they may have to be cancelled at the last-minute. My expectations about how I spend my time are incredibly low. This may be a good thing, as expectations drag me down. And yet, I would like to be able to make commitments with a modicum of confidence.

I cope with the pain in a variety of ways, such as prayer, reading inspirational materials, watching spiritually themed videos, journaling, and positive self-talk. I let myself cry freely and without judgement. Many bloggers write about chronic and/or severe health struggles, and I find solace from reading these personal accounts.

Sometimes turmeric and ginger help. Sometimes I try something a bit stronger. It is interesting that I spent about an hour on the phone with a pharmacist about the dangers of prescribed opiates shortly before Prince died. It was as if I knew these pills could kill me. My doctor only prescribed a few pills with no refills. He handled this very responsibly. It is just that I have a tendency to relish not existing in this reality. I also have a history of self-medicating as a teen. Yet I have only taken 1 pill since leaving the hospital, just so you know. But I am grateful the bottle is close by.

I want to share how I felt on April 15th, my latest trip to the hospital. I had just gotten my first IV dose of an opiate painkiller while in the ER for my lower GI pain. This was the kind of debilitating torture that led me to call 911 for myself. I had never needed to do that before. I can still remember how free I felt once the stuff kicked in. I was devoid of worry, my muscles had relaxed, and my pain was virtually non-existent. I raised my voice and declared how great it was to be free! Funny thing is, the subsequent doses have less of an effect. ( Actually this is not funny at all, quite the contrary.)

 

I never know where I will be or how long I will be away from home. I pay my bills as quickly as possible, in case I am hospitalized without notice. I sometimes pack a bag to take with me to the doctor, on the off-chance I may need a change of clothes. I eat most meals wondering if I will be regretting my choice of foods. Why is it that the sauce I could eat all my life no longer agrees with me? Why does the sandwich I prepared last week make me double up in agony when I fix the same thing today? Sometimes the food does not make a difference. Truth is, no one seems to know much about my illness, triggers, or treatment.

I am just supposed to live like this.

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Today is one of those times where I am struggling with fatigue and pain. I do not know if it will pass or increase in intensity. I never know. It has been so very isolating to keep my feelings locked away inside, only to discuss with a very select few. Many have welcomed a frank discussion about my health. I just don’t like to rehash it verbally. It is quite arduous and seems futile most of the time. But I do not like feeling so alone with my struggle. I want to move out of the false optimism and embrace this moment of despair. For it is real and honest and alive within me.

One day I would also like to put my name on this blog and all of my content. The main reason I don’t disclose my  full name is because I am afraid prospective employers wouldn’t be receptive to my story. The irony is that I cannot seem to find a job to save my life.

Now I wonder if finding one would save my life.

 

Comments are closed for this entry. I would like you to contact me here if you have any comments or questions. Please keep me in your prayers. Perhaps this unfiltered confession will be balm for my soul. Thank you for listening.

 

image credits ~ wikipedia.org, public domain

Where is the Lite?

The blogosphere is alive with exciting, meaningful material today. The world is abuzz with New Year’s fever. I am not in the proper place to reflect on 2015. But with a glass of red wine at my side and my heart warmed by today’s events, I am eager to say a few things to all of you.

I call myself litebeing and I like this moniker. Yet I often question my qualifications as a lightworker. I read all about starseeds when I was a twentysomething and was convinced the authors were speaking to me. I felt reassured at that time. But lately I wonder if I am spreading light or making any impact at all. Having been so preoccupied with financial and health issues, not to mention grief, I had doubted what I had left to offer anyone other than myself. A lightworker anchors the energy and holds a space for light on the planet. This is not for the faint of heart. I am lucky if I don’t respond to a rude clerk with a sarcastic retort and a nasty look on my face! (Especially in self-righteous places such as my local food co-op.)

I had been judging myself rather harshly and musing that perhaps I had assigned myself a role that does not belong to me. Have you ever thought that maybe you were fooling yourself with delusions of grandeur ~ ala the New Millenium?

While briefly reflecting on today’s events, I realize that I am exactly where I should be. Just like each snowflake, every human being is unique and carries unique potential to serve the world. I may be anchoring when I am unaware of my actions. Having interacted with a variety of people today, some friends and some “strangers”, I see that I am capable of providing light in the moment. Not every moment, but in any moment.

We all are capable. We all emerged from the same spark.

Now for some awards: ( clever segue, right?)

This could very well be my last awards post, but I cannot let 2015 go without passing on 2 awards I received this year. Thank you Sue and Aquileana, respectively, for the Angel Award and Wonderful Team Member Readership Award. I appreciate being honored by both of you. I am a big fan of Angels and perhaps an even bigger fan of loyal readers, so thank you both for thinking of me.

from Sue via Kentucky Angel

 

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Wonderful Team Member Readership Award

I don’t know who to give these to because most of my peers no longer accept awards. What I will suggest is if you know someone ( or yourself) who would benefit from such an acknowledgement, please take these badges and pass them on.

I will award the following, however, to one person this year. Congratulations Mary, you are the latest recipient of  The Litebeing Chronicles Commenter Award. These badges are special to me, particularly because they were created by brilliant creative souls for my blog. Some of the designers do not blog anymore, but they will live on in these beautiful works of art. I chose Mary because she clearly exemplifies the spirit of this award. Not only does she faithfully share her awe and empathy with me during my glory days and dark nights, she does so for countless others all over the platform. As I make my way, reading countless blogs on a given day, Mary is there, offering comfort, support, and company.

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This devotion is so award-worthy! Thank you Mary for stepping up and participating in this grand experiment we call blogging, with soul and enthusiasm! You are an outstanding example of a lightworker ; transparent, generous, and authentic.

One last thing before I close. We never know who we touch and what joy we spread, unless we are told. Most of the time we don’t receive much in the way of feedback. I think of a reader who wrote me a long, emotional email this spring when I was in a very dark place. She had never commented or “liked” my posts, as far as I know. She shared her story with me and explained how my writing made a difference. She asked me not to give up hope. I never made the time to write her back, but I think of her kindness often and hope she knows that she is appreciated. Since I do not know if she wants to be publicly acknowledged, I am keeping her identity private. Thank you kind reader for reaching out and opening your heart to me. It was what I needed in that moment.

I also received notification today through a very mysterious channel that I am regarded as a light to the world and that my blog is one way I express that light outwardly. The source was very unexpected and took me by surprise. When I consider all the warm, loving spirits that I know either in person, online, or via the ” ethers “,  I am humbled to know that others may see me in this way.

May we all remember from where we came and may *the Force be with you always.

To the future with love,

litebeing

 

 

*Could not resist a Star Wars reference.

header image: http://imagebase.net

Gemini Moon Magic

Here’s a treat for the non-astrologer. You may ask: What does Gemini moon even mean? How does it look, feel, operate? Here’s a gem from me and a couple of Gem moonbeams from last year that will give you a hint or two. Enjoy!

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“Gem Moon Mandala” by AmandaSeesDreams of http://www.Dreamrly.com

Welcome to the collaborative lunations of Gemini moon pals, LitebeingDreamrly, and yours truly, The Ptero Card. Yesterday marked the Gemini / Sagittarius full moon of 2014, and through our mutual love of art and writing we’re combining our efforts for a few reflections on our experience of lunar Gemini in our natal astrological charts. Each of our contributions was produced independently, without consultation other than assigning the art work to Dreamrly, poetry to Litebeing and intuitive writing to me. We present here the fruits of our work which we hope enhance your own lunations, where ever they may take you.

The basis of astrology, an ancient wisdom practiced by nearly all pre-scientific cultures, comes from the understanding that external cosmological events have a corresponding affect on our interiority, because human disposition is a microcosm of the macrocosm, or, as the ancients say, “as above, so below.” I suspect…

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She who can master, does. She who cannot, studies forever.

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It took some time, but I was able to cultivate my entry for Ka’s 3 day quote challenge. Thanks to the awesomely kind and creative Ka of Fiesta Estrellas for nominating my blog for this project. I am not in the proper head space to nominate other bloggers, but if any of my readers feel inspired, please join in and add your mojo to the party!

This post came together this weekend as I began to review my extremely busy week. The topic of teaching and learning is not a new one for me, but recent face to face discussions, media, and other factors created a ” perfect storm” for me to marinate in.

When contemplating my fervent interest in the work of Matt Kahn, a little birdie landed on my shoulder and squealed ” be careful.” This birdie knows me well and reminded me of an old tendency to put people on pedestals that later became rusty and disintegrated into itty bitty pieces. I have known loved ones who knowingly or unconsciously became involved in cults. In every case, some collateral damage occurred and it was not pretty. The ripples from the fallout continue to reverberate to this day. I feel sad for those who lacked the life experience to be able to properly discern which choices were for their highest good. I witnessed great abuses of power and was unable to do anything to prevent them from happening. I pray that all involved have found forgiveness and peace.

In many traditions, discipleship is part of the initiation process. I cannot speak to this personally as I have never participated in such an arrangement. I have worked with a variety of “teachers” over the years and all of them had some difficulty with ego. This does not seem atypical since most human beings struggle with ego. It can be intoxicating to be worshiped by many on a constant basis.  I do take responsibility for my part in these interactions since I was always a willing party. Fortunately my boundaries were well established and no real harm resulted.

Let’s take a look at the first quote:

When the student is ready, the master appears.

Buddhist Proverb

Originally I interpreted this to mean that in Divine timing all seekers will find the ideal person to play the role of ” master”.  I often looked at particular astrological transits to predict when I may attract a new sage into my orbit. With my Venus in Sagittarius, this was not that difficult to manifest!

Today I see this quote with fresh eyes. What if when the student is ready, she becomes the master?

hmmmm, clever, no?

Why must a student remain a perpetual student? How much learning and practice is necessary? Isn’t mastery part of the game? I have two Master’s Degrees but never felt a master of either discipline. It seemed arrogant to take that title seriously. The truth is that formal education does not a master make. The recipe is not based on a GPA or the pedigree of the University. Mastery is complicated because it does not typically occur in a prescribed manner. It is not static either. It can be lost, regained, or appear to be in flux. It is not subject to the laws of 3D reality.

Now let’s examine the next quote:

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

Man and Superman (1903) “Maxims for Revolutionists”

 George Bernard Shaw.

Historically I never liked this notion. I found it to be snarky and cynical. My enjoyment of the teacher archetype at work, in part, is why I found this to be distasteful. ” Hey, if I love to teach and am good at it, this does not apply to me! ” I have so much Mercury Jupiter energy in my natal chart, so I am all about the magic of academia and the perpetual process of studying and disseminating knowledge. My Sun/ Moon phase is the disseminating phase, for goodness sake!

Recently I have begun to view this idea from a new angle. I learn best  by direct experience. I also am a fan of those who teach by example. In psychological circles, this is called modeling. It is all about the behavior. This reminds me of yet another favorite quote, actions speak louder than words! When I consider all the folks I know who call themselves spiritual or awake or enlightened, I often walk away less than impressed. In my life, those who say less are usually more evolved in their deeds than those who anoint themselves as self-realized. Have you arrived at the same conclusion?

Ready for the final quote? :

If your blessings becomes automatic, and if you stop seeking for knowledge, knowing that everything you need to know will find you, then you have found the dissolving of the Student, and the Emergence of the Master.  

Matt Kahn

It could be considered ironic that I end this discussion with a Matt Kahn quote, but I can live with that. It is some of his material that accelerated my inquiry into the dynamic between student and master. As I find myself connecting with more people from different generations and worldviews, this dynamic appears more frequently. Questions often arise such as ” When am I ready to lead?” or ” What exactly are you able to offer another about your journey thus far? ” With my astrology practice it took decades before I stopped calling myself a student and took on the title of astrologer. It took even longer to shed the label of seeker.  I attribute this to my unrealistic( and hopefully former) standards of perfectionism.

The notion that all that one needs to know will find you in an instant is provocative and comforting. Yet it is difficult for me to drop the idea that life is a school and we are here to learn lessons. I have latched onto this philosophy with great passion  and enthusiasm. If Matt Kahn’s quote has merit, perhaps I have learned the lesson that I am not here to be an eternal student. I also am grounded enough to embrace the material Matt Kahn provides without turning him into a guru. Lesson learned.

There is so much more I can say on this subject so perhaps I will continue on in a separate post. Thank you Ka for initially introducing me to Matt many moons ago, before I was able to listen intently, and for gently encouraging me to take on this challenge. It has all come full circle.

As always I welcome reactions and questions in the comments section.

This old Police song can be heard on multiple levels; as a twisted love song, a back story on the eventual breakup of the band, or a struggle between master and disciple. Listen and arrive at your own conclusions. It is a stirring piece any way you slice it!

Police – Wrapped around your finger:

listen now

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This may have been a verbose essay, but I had a lot to express. And there is probably more to say in the near future, as I find this topic fascinating. Thank you for accompanying me on this wild ride. Hope 7-11 has been lucky for you.

blessings, litebeing

image credits: my  most recent photos at Longwood Gardens.

How Am I Doing? ~ Mercury Direct Neptune Retro Wayward Pines Edition

Photo607I could be grocery shopping right now. But I am here with AC blazing on a Friday afternoon. We are having a heat wave and this new development took me by surprise. Everyone has been talking about the intense Mercury Neptune energy. Honestly for me it is like a regular day at the office ( when I actually went to an office.) Translation: I have Neptune Sun Mercury conjunct in Scorpio ( a stellium) so my mind naturally rides the waves of hyper-imagination, empathy, fantasy, and susceptibility to deception or illusion.

Having said that, I still am taking life slowly and simply for a few more days, focusing more on the inner journey and escapism entertainment. I am really enjoying this new Fox show Wayward Pines. I will not give away the plot twist but will say how wonderful it is to see Matt Dillon back on-screen and find a television series that seems original and captivating. Blending the familiar ( Matt Dillon) with the unfamiliar ( new mystery series) seems to be on today’s menu.

Which brings me to my update:

My health has been more stable the past few days. I continue to incorporate a greater variety of foods into my diet with caution and mild optimism. It has been over 2 months since my attack and I take comfort in this fact. While I still experience pain and discomfort, I believe that the passage of time without an episode indicates healing. I have begun to break out in pimples, which seems strange at first glance. My intuition tells me they are signs of toxins leaving my system.

My meditation practice is slowly coming back. I attended a soundbath on Sunday and it was lovely to hear the vibrations dance within the room and throughout my being. The healing helped activate my ability to go within for longer periods of time. Listening to my boy Matt Kahn has also served to relax me. He often refers to visits to the grocery store and these anecdotes really bring his message down to earth for me. As an empath, I often feel discombobulated in large stores filled with so much noise and activity. Listening to his escapades inspires me to be kinder to myself and others, wherever I go.

I finally put my Meetup to bed today. After switching the format and trying different ways to engage people, I decided to let the group fade away. I feel both relieved and excited. Relief in knowing I can channel my energy elsewhere and excited because another Meetup group invited me to join them as a group leader. While I often seem to succeed by operating independently, it was not happening with the Meetup. I do still hold a vision for a local sanctuary for the like-minded to come together and grow collectively. My contribution to this activity may still happen, but in a different form than I expected. I continue to latch onto the notion that failure is not a dirty word, but simply an attempt to try something new. Celebrating the attempt for its own sake is rather new for me. In Mental Health Recovery, celebration of any step forward in the client’s journey was the foundation of sound practice. Applying this principle in my own life seems awkward and forced. But I am working on it.

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Lingering questions:

Why do I feel more at home in “the future” than in the NOW?

Is confusion the new normal?

Can watching Wayward Pines, Tomorrowland and 12 Monkeys account for my experience of malleable time or is it the other way around?

Why doesn’t WordPress announce its new features like live chat or statistics insights?

Am I becoming more comfortable with mystery in general?

NAMASTE

Behold Aries New Moon ~ 2015 has arrived!

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This purple hydrangea was recently planted by my neighbor in our front yard. She does not know purple is my color or hydrangea is my flower. My mother also gave me a get well card at the hospital. It is a purple card featuring white, pink, and purple hydrangea. Coincidence? I do not think so. I blog about my Gravatar flower here. This flower has come to be a powerful symbol for me, rich with beauty and wisdom.

As far as I am concerned, 2015 starts now. Today marks the first new moon after the Spring Equinox ( Autumn Equinox for our friends in the Southern Hemisphere). So it seems natural that today is New Year’s Day! I am all for starting fresh, how about you?  I reviewed many of my 2015 posts and it seems like the past few months have been one ginormous blur. Most of it I would rather forget, and just move on.

I pulled a healing card today for this lunation from the Caroline Myss deck. This beautiful deck was gifted to me many moons ago by a dear friend. Here are both sides of the card:

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I love the green mermaid imagery and the message that my body can heal via the Divine as the body is part of the Divine. As I am presently finished with the harsh medications, I am praying that my body can finish the job. My doctor is quite conservative and traditional but very caring and determined. He said something recently that was uncharacteristic of him, but quite provocative and wise: All medications are poisons, but the side effects of these poisons can be helpful ( such as killing off harmful bacteria). I was amazed at this disclosure and knew I wanted to share it here.

I later pulled a spread from the Goddess Tarot for the new moon, but it did not sing true. I will try later or use another deck. My abilities are a bit off while my body is recovering, or so it seems. Some things cannot be rushed, despite my inclination.

Update: Pulled 1 card today ( 4-20-15) and it rang true:

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The seven of pentacles indicates promise of reward or harvest to come. Very Springy and hopeful. Today is another day and with every moment comes infinite possibilities.

 Michael has created some mind-blowing poetry, which has inspired me to find a gem from Love Poems From God. Today seemed like a good time to transmit some ” random poetry.”

I found this somewhat randomly, and it fits both literally and metaphorically:

I Had To Seek The Physician by Kabir

I had to seek the physician

because of the pain this world

caused

me.

I could not believe what happened when I got there –

I found my

Teacher.

Before I left, he said,

” Up for a little homework, yet?”

“Okay,” I replied.

” Well then, try thanking all the people

who have caused

you pain.

They helped you

come to me.”

There are 4 people who I have to let go of with love. They are not bad people, they just do not possess the awareness I need to be in my life. Three of these people I chose consciously to be in my life, the other is kin. They all have brought some positive energy to my life in one form or another. I will let them be transformed so they can return to me another time, or not. It is really fine however it turns out.  Holding on is too high a price for me to pay.

As Pluto moves back into my house of friends, some house- cleaning will prevail. Severe illness brings me to my knees and also makes the bare basics essential above all else. Anything or anyone that is not healing is part of the “problem.” And that includes my messed up thinking ( was gonna use another word!). It simply has to go.

While I have plenty to ponder while I recover, a few issues have become clear:

I am not looking for work for the foreseeable future. I have enough to live on and this obsessing has almost killed me.

I am also taking any plans off the table that are not essential or enjoyable. I will resume non-essential and non-enjoyable activities when I feel ready.

I am going to treat myself like a goddess and rebirth myself into being.

I am seeking NO-thing. I am complete as is and am going to give up the search for purpose, meaning, anything. I am whole and Divine. I have everything I will ever need and always have.

If I have not learned my lesson by now, these years on Earth were indeed futile. I do not need a bigger boulder to hit me upside the head.

I GET IT!

spring2015

Thank You for your kindness and well wishes.

I feel your love and I am touched by your concern and care.

I am taking it one moment at a time.

Musings ~ Waiting on the World to Change

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I have been busy, mostly internally. I changed the blog look to mirror my emotional/astral body. I look to expansion and vast space in a sea of purple velvet and diamond skies. Here is where I find myself today:

 

I pulled a card from the Sacred Path deck for me ( and you) for 2015:

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An 8 card for an 8 year, yes! I am ready for more clarity and light, but with kindness and care. Fires and shattered glass and electricity coursing through me is not my preference, just sayin’. We will be entering the Year of the Sheep in February. Not sure how that will play out, since this Year of the Horse was reigned in by Saturn and retrograde Mars, among other things. We only have one retro planet now ( Jupiter), so move forward quickly if you have plans to activate. Times like these are rare. Mercury begins its Retrodance in Aquarius on 1-21-15.

But I digress..

So how about a catchphrase?:

Keepin it green in 2015 or Make 2015 New and Pristine or See and be Seen in 2015!

Feel free to add your own to the mix!

Some recent encounters from last year are yet to be actualized. My Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve Eve were ripe with curiosity and excitement. Playing musical instruments and jamming to the 12 days of Christmas was so liberating and joyful. Reminded me of all the jam session gatherings I attended with my Anti-Nuclear Energy group back in  my college daze. Eclectic, creative and joyful. Movements can be political, physical, etc, name your dimension and fly..

Hanging with Sarah ( former blogger) and Tom ( current blogger?) and talking Ascension/ consciousness was so crazygood. My takeaways were not intellectual or logical, although my ego and rational mind were still hanging on, looking to grasp onto tangibility, bless their hearts!

So while I am not certain where I am on the 5d and beyond continuum, I am waiting on my world to change. From within to without, or vice versa. Any early romance I had with the vastness of time and space is still very much intact, day by day. The more I live with focus, the more I notice a morphing of past and present. Time also seems to be more bendable lately. I wake up frequently unsure what day it is or even what week.

Anyone else know what I mean?

Some cool experiences ~ Seeing red light on tops of trees; Dreams of brightly colored produce and festive salad served in lovely glass ( or crystal ) bowl; Letting go of disappointments with less resistance and more flow; Occasional bursts of silliness.

Really old memories continue to come back to awareness and I thought I saw an angel by my bed a few nights ago while half asleep. It was in “reality” some clothing on a chair, but they formed a profile of a divine figure at night.

Some new TV shows have returned and I love when a series introduces new characters who are familiar actors or the characters get involved in new settings. I see myself in those timescapes, navigating the old with the new. There is no distinction anyway, it is all about cycles and spirals.  Also I am noticing new shows on alternate realities/time travel like Hindsight.

While much of what I have read online seems to pointing towards a fast and furious warped speed transformation, mine is subtle and slow.

Please share with us your thoughts on 2015 catchphrases, ascension, expanded awareness, alternate realities, etc.

Call it whatever you like, I am waiting on the world to change: 

Waiting on the world to change. 

 

image credit: Josephine Wall

Musings ~ The World is Conspiring in Your Favor

UPDATE: As often happens in my world, synchronicity abounds. I just discovered today ( 11-2-14) that my local meetup group is having its monthly Saturday Discussion on Ascension. The leader said they have never covered this topic before and is bringing in a special speaker. If you are local and want to know the details, please email me. I hope to attend and gather more information and engage in some meaningful discussions. I am so grateful that my life is so graced with synchronicity, especially when the big questions come to me without any easy answers!

As a recovering paranoid pessimist, I work very hard to “re-frame” my thoughts and my expectations. This is much easier to for me to do with others in my role as a therapist than for myself. I was raised with the motto ” Never Trust Anybody!” and I began to internalize it early on, feeling like the world is not safe. Who says this stuff to their kids??

Anyway, one of my inner mottos is under reconstruction. I have pretty much eradicated ” Life’s unfair and then you die.” and am in the process of replacing it with ” The world is conspiring in your favor.” I also read online about the Pronoid type as opposed to the Paranoid type. Very cool!  Or maybe Cynthia Sue’s How good can it get? It inspires wonder and excitement. So in case any of you wondered why I downgraded myself from a lightbeing to litebeing,  you now have a clearer picture.

I have plenty of work to do and I have been at this for a long time. But I keep on keeping on. This brings me to the topic of ascension. First there was the New Age, then the Harmonic Convergence, then some other Harmonic thingy, and then the Mayan Apocalypse. Now we are supposedly begin reconfigured as a people and receiving regular upgrades.

wikimedia public domain

I do not understand any of this really. I am being totally honest. I am fine with self-actualization and peak experiences ( I am a Maslow geek), periods of enlightenment and mystical openings. Many individuals and their select circles or tribes are waking up, but it seems more like the particular choice of one’s soul path rather than a mass movement. I have read about starseeds and indigos and the earth changes for decades. The earth changes are here. They were at one time predicted for the mid 1980s, but they eventually arrived. But are we really all being reprogrammed and to what end? Someone recently told me that throughout all of human history, people believed they were on the brink of something and/or the world is coming to an end. I was a channel groupie for a while as a youngin’ and relished with delight at the thought that we were chosen for a brand new world.

But are we, really?

Perhaps this idea is gaining traction because the planetary atrocities are so difficult to accept that we create ideas to provide us with some form of sanctuary. On top of this we have universally accessible technology which allows the masses to communicate and share ideas.

One of the questions I would regularly pose to astrological metaphysicians at astrology lectures is why are we as a society so technologically sophisticated and spiritually so stagnant. Will consciousness ever catch up? What accounts for such a monumental disconnect between the two?

I don’t think I ever received a response that satisfied me.

So I am opening this up for discussion and debate. I am hoping folks will offer original answers, not information that they have heard second or third hand. That may be asking a lot, but here at litebeing chronicles, we don’t play when the future of our planet is at stake.

wikipedia public domain

I am providing a link here to an article on Ascension that I really liked because it is clear, thoughtful in nature, and quite reasonable. If you are led, please visit it here:

http://www.ascensionsymptoms.com/why-ascension-symptoms.html

I am not asserting that ascension is not happening or that consciousness cannot evolve. I am just raising the question for discourse. Is this a real phenomenon or merely wishful thinking?

related post: https://litebeing.com/2013/09/28/musings-and-in-the-beginning/

images by wikimedia.org public domain

Musings ~ Fresh Start

Today the sun is on my sun/moon midpoint – 1 degree Virgo. According to Dane Rudhyar, here is the interpretation:

PHASE 151 (VIRGO 1°): IN A PORTRAIT, THE SIGNIFICANT FEATURES OF A MAN’S HEAD ARE ARTISTICALLY EMPHASIZED.

KEYNOTE: The capacity to picture to oneself clearly the salient features and the overall meaning of any life situation.

This is the first stage of the thirty-first five-fold sequence of symbols and its Keyword is DISCRIMINATION. Implied in discrimination is both analysis and intuition. The mind separates and identifies — and unfortunately often exaggerates — what makes a person or a situation different from another; but the intuitive responses of the whole person to what confronts him or her is also essential, for what matters is not only my or your “difference,” but the place and function this difference occupies in the organic pattern of the evolution of “humanity as a whole,” i.e. of Man.

I think this interpretation is an accurate read on the interplay of my natal sun and moon. Basically, the sun/moon midpoint is the integration or dance between the two luminaries ( lights). As a litebeing, this is a good thing. I have made many friends with birthdays around this time of year, so wishing a wonderful solar return to all of you – past and present. To locate your sun/ moon midpoint, find a reliable astrology software program or consult an astrologer. Or if you have some astrological knowledge, visit this page at astro.com and it will produce a midpoint grid for you:

http://www.astro.com/cgi/genchart.cgi?&lang=e&gm=pu

Tomorrow we have a new moon in Virgo. It does not have the best of aspects as it opposes Neptune, but it is a new beginning. I am not doing a new moon post today. For a good one, I choose Emily:

http://virgomagic.com/2014/08/virgo-new-moon-2014/

 

Don’t know about you, but I am in need of a fresh start..

 

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Announcements:

I changed the category selection for all published posts because my old system was a hot mess. Now each post has one category. Hope this will make things more orderly ( Virgo).

Thanks for all the wonderful comments lately, especially after I took a pause from the 9 to 5 experiment. Your commentary is so precious to me. Thanks also for the great response to the Sweet and Salty post. It still amazes me to see what excites people about my writing. This is not an official blogging challenge, but I am curious what people are doing with their symbols. What are your symbols? Are they morphing into signs?  Are you noticing them more places? Where? How? Why?

Once I start to formulate questions, look out! 

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So, now what?

Well, I have more award posts that are long overdue, a Collision post that is brewing, several Returning Home posts marinating slowly, something perhaps on how I spent my Summer non-vacation, etc

I also need to heal and let myself BE. This may include art, meditation, sleep, computer games, reading, breathing, dreaming……

Until I post again, I will be looking for seashells and German chocolate cake and catching up with all of you in one form or another.

NAMASTE