As we edge closer to five months into this awakening, the time has arrived for me to examine forgiveness. Forgiveness is so critical. I continue to be given new opportunities in the form of people and situations to work this out.
I do not think I forgive easily. I can do this with clients because I am there to serve them. I do maintain boundaries but leave room for them to mess up and be imperfect. I have improved in letting more issues go. But it still does not come easily to me. I was told often by my parents that I always held grudges, judging me for this behavior. It is a Scorpio trait but that doesn’t excuse me for acting this way.
Betrayal, deception. and heartbreak are usually what mess me up. Those who I care about or depend on the most are able to deliver the most pain. Many of my past hurts are coming up for healing yet again. Pluto transiting my 12th house continues to remind me of all the pain and repressed baggage associated with it. Just because I am a therapist does not mean that I have it together. Just in case anyone was wondering haha!
I have been blogging about many love relationships lately, going back all the way to preteen years. There are still a few more I may add but most of the important ones have been documented. I even wrote about my dad in a bit more detail.
I need to forgive both of my parents and my sister. This is my entire family of origin. The clock is ticking because my mom is in her 90s. I just don’t know if I have what it takes.
I have still not forgiven my dad and could have potentially met with him when I had my reading with Dayna. I specifically denied him entry but do not know if he was planning on coming forward. He may already be reincarnated but apparently that is not a deal breaker. I am not as hostile towards him as I once was, but when ever I find conflict with a love interest, he comes back to haunt me in my mind. I know that he is the main reason I suck at relationships. I have worked very hard to improve myself by tackling the tough issues. Change can be slow and incomplete.
I can report success with the Rick that passed. Readers know there were two Ricks in my life. Both did a great job of screwing me over but the more recent Rick caused more collateral damage and the pain was greater because I loved him. I can say with clarity that I have forgiven him. After meeting with him in dreamtime and in a reading, I feel at peace. I sense his love and was able to feel his pain and regret. I believe he is sincere. I also believe he loves me. It is not because he told me but because he has shown me and because I knew it years ago. The only secret is we were both too stubborn to admit our love. It is possible that the kundalini activation has assisted with this process. My heart has opened wider and may have even more expansion over time. While I requested it close up a bit, I doubt my request was met. Two times today I cried in a way that defies logic. This afternoon I cried out of a longing to be with someone who is far away. I felt like I would not survive the pain. Well I am still here. Then this evening I was vriefly reminiscing about a crush I had at work in 2018 and how cool it is that he is still so attentive on FB. Then I turn into waterworks. My emotions are way more intense that the situations often warrant. How this serves eventual Ascension is a mystery to me. It seems more like PMS on steroids or puberty. But it something else entirely.
It is so freeing to have this new dynamic with Rick. It also is clear he has forgiven me for my actions. He said so in my reading. I guess it is because he is dead. Regardless, he has been so cooperative in the Afterlife. Who knew? If anyone would have asked me if I would get signs from him, I would have said probably not. I assumed he forgot me a long time ago, except on our birthday. My birthday is only 5 weeks away and it saddens me for a few reasons. I am estranged from my family of origin, Rick is gone, and Maurice who is born the day before me, does not talk to me. Sound familiar? I found a new man to ignore me it seems. It is funny that last year I messaged him on his birthday. We are FB friends but did not know each other. I wished him a happy birthday and I addressed my self as his almost birthday twin. He responded with a glowing heart. I saved that message. I did not know that Rick was gone and that perhaps he could then be promoted since my November 6th person is gone. Using the word twin is also ironic looking back because that Twin can be associated with Twin Flame or Twin Soul. Also he and I have moon in Gemini which is the sign of the twins. It all gets a bit too close for comfort somehow. In any case the likelihood of our connection healing anytime soon seems unlikely. And Rick is still dead. Even if he does not wait for his children to pass, the personality of the man I knew is gone. Dayna believes based on what he said that he and I are in fact Soul family. Our charts do suggest this is true. So perhaps he will be around when I leave this place. However that does not settle the issue of my difficulty with forgiveness.
Anytime I consider dating I think about all the drama and pain. I am not dating anyone but the situation with Maurice remains complicated. Lately he is coming through in dreams. The first dreams were closer to common dreams. The last two qualify as semi lucid visitations. I had hoped for this but did not expect anything. We actually had two way conversations where I asked him questions and he answered them. Or he made statements and I responded. I find it also noteworthy that none of my exes have been coming through in dreams for months. Not one, not even Rick. It seems like Maurice clears the field. I cannot prove this but they would show up routinely even when i was dating someone. About 5 exes plus Joel would be regulars during dreamtime. It is okay but strange. I would like to see more of Rick but maybe he is busy. Or maybe he wants to support this Maurice situationship . If so, he is the only person on the planet who does. But we will leave it at that for now.
If the K is able to help me forgive others, I am game. I guess that includes Maurice, but it is difficult because he disappoints me daily. I hear things or read things or feel things that piss me off. I know that is my choice, but sometimes his ignorance is triggering. I am being judgmental and I own that. When public people present themselves as experts and get all this praise and attention and then act like idiots, I get triggered. This is new to me as I do not know many famous people. Joel has videos and many more followers for his Retreat Center but he is classy, humble, and treats me with respect. That is a huge difference. He is not perfect but I can tell you this much. If I would be fortunate to meet a man with his level of integrity I would be more likely to take a risk. Apparently Kundalini activation does not guarantee integrity. Joel, Maurice, and now I have this activation and out of the three of us. Joel seems to be more aligned. He is also the youngest of the three of us!
As my staycation ends tomorrow evening, I will keep working at balancing wellness, work, and play. I will also continue to heal my issues and strive towards my higher nature. What would life be like if I could absolve my dad from blame? Is that even on the table? Time will tell
