Sick Day Summary

It has been so long since I have published anything original. Working 4 ten hour days a week ( including evenings) has left me tired or depleted energetically more often than not. I think about this blog and community often and I want you all to know you are with me every step of the way.

The way has been busy and productive but tinged with loneliness, anxiety, and dread. I am grateful to have a job I enjoy where I can see what I have helped create. Yet I feel very insecure, waiting for the other foot to drop. I am lucky to have people I can discuss my worries with, but it is not always enough. So many years of underemployment or unemployment have left me shaky and uneasy. With both transiting Pluto and Saturn trudging around my 12th house, I understand where some of this malaise is rooted. But still, it persists.

My relationship with my mother remains fractured and this saddens me, and yet, it seems to be more real. I try to balance my awareness of her advancing age with my need to let her know that we have mostly been strangers to one another throughout our entire relationship.  I work on remaining careful not to hurt her and still communicate as directly and plainly as I can. I want to be the bigger person but it is difficult when I am the bigger person all over my life. There are so few people who can comfort me and hear me and really accept me just as I am. So I strive to be that person for me. Learning to love yourself IS the greatest love of all.

I called out sick today and it was much needed. I am happy to report my body is on the mend, so my choice to stay home was a sound one. With Mercury retrograde, I still had to spend unwanted time contacting colleagues because of communication breakdowns.  I have been feeling so tired lately. The astro weather isn’t helping either. My uncle died and my boss quit his job within days of each other during this eclipse cycle.  Two different events; one natural, the other seemingly unexpected. I recently concluded my uncle was the last male relative of the generation before mine.  I did not know him well. We were not close, but he is a symbol of my childhood and he was a decent man. Uranus most likely messed with his Taurus sun, but he lived a long life, seemingly content.

My boss is one of the nicest supervisors I have ever worked with. Spoiler alert: when I am fortunate enough to get a great boss, they usual resign shortly after I am hired. He stayed for almost 6 months of my tenure and that is a record. He is a double Pisces, so of course, we got along. He has his faults, but he is so good with people, so kind, and so caring. A real lightworker. I did not see his resignation coming, but here it is. I have a history of scary supervisors replacing the nice ones, but I can rewrite this old narrative. In fact, I already have: ” I have learned so much about this new job setting and mastered so many new tasks while working with this person. He believes in me and is not afraid to be complimentary and recognize hard work. I saw how authority does not have to be used to gain power and control. I appreciate the time I worked with him and the impact he has made.”

I am grieving him, even while he still is working with me for a few more weeks. I assumed I would leave before he would. Oh well, I was mistaken. I do not do loss well, but over time I have been able to let go sooner and easier. This is growth. Speaking of loss, I have had a few dreams lately featuring my first cat Jasmine. I have no digital pictures of her to post, but I can describe her as a petite calico with green eyes. She was gorgeous and independent and aloof. But she was my first baby and I adopted her at about 7 weeks old. She lived with me for 16 years. Dexter was bigger than life, but Jasmine taught me about how to nurture another. It is curious why she is emerging in dreamtime, but it is cool to see her again happy and thriving.

This catchup post is a hodgepodge of topics, quickly assembled from the recesses of my mind and heart, but it feels liberating to share my ramblings with you on this cooler than usual July evening. So much remains uncertain, but one idea rings true: service with passion equals a full heart and warm soul.

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A House is Not a Home

Thanks to the magic of Google maps, I do not have to take a new image to show my childhood home. I lived here from the end of 6th grade through junior year of college. The house was white with light blue trim originally but my parents decided on a chocolate brown upgrade.

I recently learned that my mother sold our house to move into an older adult apartment community, aka retirement place where people go to die community. I know this is strong language, but I am speaking my truth. She has wanted to sell even before my dad died, over 10 years ago. I do not know if I will get the chance to see it in-person one last time before she vacates.

Here’s the thing: I spent most of my childhood in various apartments in four states from birth to age 11. I had 4 homes from 2nd through 6th grade, including going to two different schools in separate states for both 5th and 6th grades. We finally “settled down ” when I was 11 as my parents purchased this modest home in a predominantly affluent housing development. It is the only house I ever lived in, with a yard and separation from neighbors. This meant privacy and less noise ( outside of my family dramas). Why my parents could not wait for the summer to move says way more about how I was parented then anything else. My moon in Gemini in the fourth house would speak to the frequent disruptions, but damn, my dad was not in the military!

This ordinary suburban split level structure was filled with drama, kind of like Game of Thrones, but without the dragons or intriguing character arcs. It contained plenty of power plays, betrayals, and arguments. I would not call it a happy home. But a house is not a home.

I have not as of yet lived in a house as an adult. My homes have all been apartments. While my current home is fine, it is small and a bit crowded with stuff because of insufficient storage space. Maybe this is partly why I am having some difficulty letting my old house go. This is a place, mind you, that I rarely visited once I moved away. I could not wait to get out of there and told myself I would not return. My sister did live there a few years after college, but I did not.

The therapist part of me knows that I still want to ” reclaim my childhood” before letting go of the house. I have done as much inner work as I can on this. When I consider the fond memories, they are overshadowed by darkness, with one exception.

That would be the music.

My mom plays piano well and this gift was passed down from her father who learned by ear. I don’t know how he was exposed to the piano, but he did play in the silent movie theaters, so I am told. The house was warm with emotion when my mom sang and played on many an evening. She lit up completely while playing. I believe she was born to play. She says the piano is going with her to the new place.

Google maps has made it possible for me to move on even if I cannot find time for a visit before the place is packed up or occupied by the new residents. I hope they make it a house filled with love. When or if they have children ( it is a young couple), I pray they figure out how to parent them well, or well enough. Maybe then they won’t all grow up to be therapists and heal others as a way to address their unhealed parts.

I am afraid this post is coming off rather bitter, but this is not my intention. I am still figuring out why I am bothered so much by this event. I can understand why my mother wants to live among people her age and have activities and transportation at her disposal. All I know is that I feel sad and a bit confused.

I am well aware that home is inside me, at the seat of my soul. A house is a structure made up of matter, which is not solid. I don’t remember my family being that messed up until we moved in. Perhaps it had to do with my parents’ entrance into middle age and the state of the marriage. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I will continue living life the best I know how, with faith that I can find joy and peace within. And some sweet music wouldn’t hurt either.

Pluto station – purge, clear, forgive, release

Howdy litebeings! Pluto  in Capricorn stations direct this Sunday 9-30-18. This event occurs on the heels of Venus stationing retrograde on 10-5-18 in Pluto ruled Scorpio ( where Jupiter currently resides). The convergence of Saturnian, Jupiterian and Plutonian energies is quite palpable. Just look to the societal dramas as they escalate to a profound cathartic crescendo.

This station is a BIG deal!  Enjoy this reblog that provides some helpful tools and insights, Do the work, I promise to  continue to work alongside of you.

  Namaste, litebeing

Winter Review ~ Radical Empathy

Since some of my strongest writing mojo occurs when the Moon is in Taurus ( my natal 3rd house) I figured I would eke out a quick blog. This is the next segment in the  Winter Review “of weirdness” series ( in which I extended Winter from 9/17 through 3/18.)  The Thanksgiving 2017 period was fraught with challenges, a virtual shit storm, so let me tell you about that three-week time frame. While there were minor astrological happenings during this 3 week period, nothing extreme was at play.  No eclipses or major planetary transits, nada.

Since I did not have Black Friday off, I stayed home for the holiday and that was fine. Three days later I noticed strange pain emanating from my right hand. It quickly developed into a rash with blisters. I had examined both at work ( we have a nursing team) and 2 doctors. I was given anti viral meds and the area was biopsied. A couple of days later I develop hives from the anti-viral medication!

Kokoa

Fortunately I was able to have the time off to see a specialist since I was home anyway. This is because 2 days after I developed the finger inflammation,  I was in a three car collision. It took place right by Parx Casino, just a few minutes from my work. A car hit me from behind, causing my car to hit the car in front of me. I was increasingly upset as both drivers of the other cars fled the scene! I pulled off the road and called the police. My car aka Kokoa, was damaged, but I was able to drive it home. It is interesting to note that at the time of impact I was thinking about a recent news article I had read just days earlier, highlighting an intersection nearby as notoriously dangerous. And then boom!, I was hit! Sometimes I get a heads up and other times it is just a fear program inside my head.

The car took a few weeks to repair and I was offered a Mercedes as a rental for a very cheap rate. I forget exactly why, but it had to do with the amount of time needed to rent and their lack of choice of vehicles. It was so strange driving this Mercedes around. I was afraid I would damage it and it did not feel like a car I ought to drive. And yet, I welcomed to experience what it might be like to be affluent. I did enjoy the seat warmers and the keyless remote. I also liked how the mirrors would turn in when you lock the vehicle. I also wondered how I would be received on the road. I notice that SUVs and luxury cars seem to expect plenty of leeway. So this was  a chance to reinvent my driving persona.

wikipedia public domain

Meanwhile a week or so later I find out my hand condition is a contagious virus, with confusion about the diagnosis ( typical with my alien Aquarius rising body.) So I am at a training on AIDS and the trainer talks about getting a call from the health department. The next week we have another training with the same instructor. This is the day I get to pick up Kokoa from the shop. While at work I check my phone messages and I get a voicemail from the health department! I am thinking I may be HIV positive and I panic. I finally get the right person on the phone and find out they were inquiring about the virus on my hand, WTF? I was not notified that anyone had contacted the health department and I was pissed, yet relieved. So  I am driving to the auto shop and a cop pulls me over in the Mercedes, claiming I ran a red light. Here I am trying to get to the shop before it closes and I am stuck  waiting for the ticket to be completed.  Then I get home and see I have only one earring on. So along with everything else, I lost a new amethyst earring, which remains missing despite my efforts to retrieve it at work and the auto shop. Plus now I am worried I have too many points and may face a license suspension! How would I get to work? I am also aware that the drivers in both recent car accidents, (4/17 and 11/17) walked away while I paid several hundred dollars for car rental and repairs. The cop implies I should come to court. Weeks later I do go to court and he offers me a plea and changes the charges! So my points are removed, but they get more money from me in fees. Can anyone say SCAM ?

freerangestock.com

This was a lot of chaos in only a few short weeks, most of it occurring in the span of 2 days. I am still getting body work ( chiro and massage) to address my injuries, and have improved significantly. The massage therapist practices astrology so we talk about all things metaphysical each week. I still get recurrent outbreaks on both hands from this mystery virus, but it seems to be lessening in frequency and in intensity.

What did I learn? There is still no resolution to my mystery ailment or the odd synchronicity concerning learning about health department involvement at training and my subsequent call from the health department. I will share what I learned from my newish car Kokoa enduring two hit and runs within less than one year ; the first almost totaling the car, and the last causing me some physical and emotional distress. This is the situation that eventually led to clarity. After the speedy accumulation of so much fear, trauma, and anger, I was able to appreciate that the drivers are just ordinary humans, making poor choices. While I did not witness the first accident, I was there for the second one and saw the driver leaving the casino and driving recklessly, probably texting or drunk or both. The casino crowd is typically in a hurry to get to and from this  establishment. I could picture myself as a younger version of me, partying too hard and being careless.  I could also, eventually, see myself as the driver in the first accident – apparently wearing a hijab ( according to eye-witnesses) , racing up the hill and slamming right into my parked car, and successfully evading the efforts to be located and made accountable by the insurance company. Her vehicle was a painted over police car and had a very dark vibe. I tried to imagine a person who works the system and is troubled,  attempting to embrace her religious path. Yes, these are both stories I made up, but this is my process. It required a lot more time and work on my part to feel empathy for the first driver, because the accident seemed deliberate and malicious. However, that is just a judgement. Learning about my ancestry also helped mellow me a bit about those who are perceived as possible terrorists. I have had many judgments about women in the US with hajibs, based on my relationships with these particular women.  These judgments are ridiculous, but they were strongly held within me.  I see more and more each day how I could be any personality housed temporarily in any body with any set of circumstances and an ever-changing state of consciousness.

I also judged people who drive huge SUVS, Audis, Mercedes, and similar vehicles. Audis invariably tailgate with delight and without fail. Why, I don’t know, but this observation has made me very wary of this brand. All of these beliefs were based mostly on my encounters while driving. After a few weeks with the Mercedes, I realized quickly that I preferred my Honda and that Mercedes drivers are just souls in bodies! Imagine that! Like most of us, I have accumulated plenty of theories about people based on education, life experiences, or other people’s ideas. I do not want to be that person anymore.  Empathy can lead to forgiveness and I am pretty much living on Forgiveness Avenue. I still wonder why Kokoa has had so much drama, but I am learning to let it all go.

I consider this journey as a portal towards radical empathy, which differs from simply being sensitive to the energy of another being. It is about undoing years of negative ( and maybe ancestral) programming, feeling the hurt, and  finally releasing it back to Source.

Thanks for reading this not – so – short, short blog. Thanks also for helping me keep it real as I learn best in community. Most readers seem to prefer this raw unvarnished material, so enjoy this offering as a gift to you.

 

amethyst image courtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain

J2P: Clear ancestral fear, clear current fear?

I keep returning to Leigh’s blog and feel led to share it here. Energetic healing is complex and simple simultaneously. The processes can take care of the complexities while we learn to better love ourSelves. ❤

Not Just Sassy on the Inside

As my regular readers know, I’m big on clearing issues and have been quite fascinated about ancestral fears and beliefs and how they pass down.  So a chunk of the time I’ve been spending on Steve Nobel’s many meditations has been spent on various ones focused on clearing ancestral lines of fear and negativity.

Such guided meditations are always intriguing to me as I rarely can point to a tangible provable outcome in the world and say it resulted from meditating.  But doing these many clearings has certainly had my energy shifting and buzzing and left me feeling often unbalanced and…  odd.

Yesterday I decided to dust off an old meditation I was taught 30+ years ago by the transpersonal psychologist who introduced me to all this “spiritual stuff”.  In this one you follow a specific path to reach a council of guides and then ask questions.

One of the…

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The Road to Resilience

Death and grief are frequent visitors in my heart and soul this week. Resilience is the elixir for those in pain. blessings, Linda

litebeing chronicles

This is a guest post I wrote for amberskyeforbes.wordpress.com back in 2013. While reviewing my draft folder I discovered it and concluded the message is timely. Resilience is one of my favorite topics and is front and center in my consciousness today. I hope it resonates for you also.

Thank you Amber for having me as a guest blogger today. I want to share some thoughts I have about human resilience in the face of loss. Life is a series of continuous losses. After you take your first breath, you find your way on the path towards your final one. Our cells constantly regenerate. In fact, it is known that our bodies completely change every seven years. Typically people equate death with loss and sometimes use those terms interchangeably. Yet, loss is pervasive and incredibly universal. Here are some common losses to consider: loss of health, loss of youth, loss…

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East Africa in West Philly ~ Traversing Time and Space

Here is a post I wrote that appears to be inspired by Anthony Bourdain’s influence on me. Someone in the media today called him a culinary rock star. I would totally agree. He was someone whose love of life was so evident, particularly in how the emotional signature of an experience left a strong residue. long after time has passed. I would like to think he would see some of his influence in my writing.

I never reblog several posts in one day, but I need to do this to cope with the shock that I feel and to convey the love I have for this talented and flawed man.

litebeing chronicles

I had a very important meeting today in my old college neighborhood. It is called University City because Drexel University and The University of Pennsylvania are located there. I moved away many years ago, but still have so many fond memories. Sometimes work or a social event will bring me back, but I have not visited in a few years. The last time I was there it was a very sad occasion. I went with a coworker to visit a former client of ours who was receiving hospice care. She died a few days later.  She was not much older than I, but was dying of uterine cancer that was diagnosed way too late. She had schizophrenia and this contributed to her death. Her caretaker did not believe her when she told her she was bleeding. I did all I could to advocate for her, but it was not enough…

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Flip The Script

Here is some magic that took place yesterday ( Wednesday)  morning, when Pluto was standing still, awaiting its retrograde journey ( Thursday) today. I was at the drive thru at the local Dunkin’ Donuts. I have mixed feelings about this particular location, but am grateful to be able to use the drive-thru seamlessly. For many years, the driver’s window on my car was not working, so I would have to open the door at the drive thru, toll booth, etc., I was thinking about receiving a miracle, while recalling a synchronicity that occurred Tuesday evening ( more on that later.)

The man at the counter is one of my favorites. He is very kind and patient with me and my special orders. As I go to give him some money, he stops me and says ” Your order is paid for. Someone bought you your order.” I was in shock. I could not believe it! I become a bit teary and tell him that I was actually asking for a miracle. He replies  ” You never know the form, but miracles are always here ( paraphrase) .” Apparently he also is of a spiritual nature. That did not surprise me!

Then I go on to say ” I have seen this on TV, a pay it forward plan. Take my money and use it to pay for the car behind me.” I was so caught up in the moment that I forgot to ask him how much the order cost. I hope the money I gave covered it, but at least I had the wherewithal to follow through. I held onto the receipt as proof that I was part of this glorious exchange.

I cannot tell you how healing it felt to be seen and cared for and acknowledged to be part of humanity. It was the antithesis of having uninsured people ram into my parked, new car, virtually total it, and walk away from their vehicle. In that instant I felt as if the harm was erased and that I was back in the flow. This reminded me that positivity is within reach and can be just as unexpected as negativity.

Tuesday evening was also fulfilling, but in a different way. I was talking with my supervisor at the diner about how I look for reasons to go to work each day and that may be why I lose some objectivity when I consider that many successes may be met by subsequent relapses or poor outcomes. As we were having this conversation, a man approaches me. He looks a bit like a friend of mine, but younger and thinner. He comes to the table with a smile and says ” I don’t know if you remember me Linda, but I’m ( blank).”  When he says his name, I immediately remember him and say hi. I introduce him to my supervisor while his wife yells ” Hi Linda!” from their booth. I yell hello back and I tell him he looks good and that it has been many years. I wish him well and he returns to his wife and two young children.

I cannot tell my supervisor, but I grin because of the irony. It did not matter because I knew she understood why I had to remain silent. Here is a former client of mine who worked with me for many, many years. I worked with his wife for couples sessions and helped him adjust to parenting both of his children. His smile was an indication that I was important to him. He could have stayed in his seat, or perhaps said hello if I happened to walk by his booth. His presence solidified for me that I do help people and that my efforts do matter. Once again, it was about being seen.

I am so grateful for the appearance of these seemingly simple events in the overall fabric of my life. The script was flipped and it could not have happened at a better time.

Tell us about a time you paid it forward.  How did it feel to flip the script?

Dunkin' image via wikipedia.org, public domain

New Sagittarius Moon ~ Prepare to Communicate with Tolerance and Forgiveness

Hello Litebeings,
I want to reach out , to ask you to keep me in your prayers. Last night someone rammed their vehicle into mine, which was parked on my street. The driver and her companion fled the scene after practically totaling both vehicles. I am feeling victimized and very very angry.

I was looking for something to reblog for you. This post was listed as a recommendation at the end of a different post I was considering. That post was not quite right, but this one is. While the Sag New Moon is somewhat irrelevant for today, the themes are on point. That lunation is very close to today’s current Saturn placement. With the recent Saturn station and Mercury’s retrograde imminent, this message is very timely. It not only articulates what I need more of in my own attitudes and behavior, but it is a bit prophetic as well. Tolerance and forgiveness are not easily achieved, but are essential ingredients in the elixir of peace and unity for Gaia.

much love, litebeing

litebeing chronicles

Happy New Moon litebeings! May I add Happy 12-11!

How did my very personal post become political and global? This is what I asked myself after I crafted the title.

 The symbology took me there.

wikipedia.org public domain US

Today the new moon highlights 19 degrees Sagittarius. This just happens to be the location of my natal Venus. Venus is about many things, love and resources in particular. This new moon is part of a t-square with Chiron at 17 Pisces and Jupiter at 22 Virgo opposing each other and squaring the sun and moon. The release point of this configuration is between 17 and 22 degrees Gemini. This just happens to be where my natal moon is situated.

Clearly this is an important event for me personally. I’ll share a little bit about how I have done Venus in Sagittarius:

Love of adventure and travel

Taking risks in romance

Spending money on…

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J2P: Women’s Issues and Healing

Leigh’s post on the necessity of feminism is quite moving and extremely relevant. Please read and share 🙂

in lite, litebeing

Not Just Sassy on the Inside

Suffragette (women's rights movement) Emmeline... Suffragette (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One of the arenas in which I have been really disturbed by Trump and the voters of America is the subject of women and women’s rights.

I feel like he’s made it quite clear he thinks it’s perfectly all right for men to grope and molest and sexually harass women any time they want.  And that makes me feel anyone who voted for him was basically saying they favor that.

I know young women today are for some reason turned off to the women’s movement and that bugs me (which I’ve discussed here) but I don’t think they get how bad it was or how recently.

HOW IT WAS

You see I am old enough that when I had my first jobs, there were no sexual harassment laws.  It was perfectly acceptable for a man to follow you into a supply closet or an alcove…

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