Guilt comes up

This post from Karin is so necessary and spoke to me at a profound level. I am reblogging this one because it ties together so many important themes: separation, residual feelings about separation, feeling the feelings which leads to dismantling collective density and more….

Spiritual Awakening

End of August and beginning of September 2013, around the time when I was treated by the spiritual healer, I hit the guilt layer full force.

According to A Course in Miracles which I had read a couple of years ago, there was first the thought of separation, and that created the thought of guilt. Which in turn created fear.  Which in turn created the universe which features the illusion of separateness of things in time and space. (That’s the root-cause analysis of the human condition in a nutshell according to ACIM and The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard).

In Gary Renard’s book, it was explained that the underlying guilt is unconscious. When I read that, I thought, ‘Guilt? What guilt? I feel like the most innocent person on the planet. After all, I am always making sure that I keep my promises and that I don’t…

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Who Are You? Part I

I wanted to post something today on the 19th anniversary of 9/11. I was born in New York City, currently live in Pennsylvania and have visited the DC area many times and have relatives who live not far from that region.

While I am more inclined now to think the whole event was an “inside job”,  it does not lessen all the hate and trauma nurtured from then until now. Including all the carnage due to war and acts of violence arising from all this density. While it is human to struggle with difference and assign blame, we are all sparks of the divine. May we all see this truth sooner, rather than later.

litebeing chronicles

Who Are You ? by the Who

This is the first installment of a series on identity. I would imagine that most people shift in identity many times within a lifespan. As my spiritual evolution continues to accelerate, my identity is dissolving once again. Yet, if I choose to live on Earth in a body, it is crucial that I remain tethered to some ego structures , aka personality.

Let’s focus today on race and ethnicity. As someone who was raised with two religious orientations always lurking in the background, I found myself quite confused. My mom grew up Roman Catholic and went to church regularly, yet she says she did not like this faith and happily went along with Judaism when she married my dad. She learned some Hebrew and became familiar with many of the customs and joined Jewish organizations.  She did not have to convert because her…

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wikipedia.org public domain

The Golden Road to Transformation

Where were you 25 years ago today? RIP Jerry ❤

 

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What a long strange trip it’s been, indeed.

My inspiration for the Time Machine Challenge started on a crisp and brilliant afternoon in September. If you are new to my blog or would like to catch up on your reading, please visit here to find the entire roster of spectacular challenge blogs. Reminiscing about my first September in Philly and the man who represented that era took me back to a state of excitement and joy.  I was amazed how my instantaneous flash of insight was later validated when I visited a website where that former boyfriend currently works. According to Michael Lutin, this time period before the New Scorpio Moon accentuates preoccupation and/or random encounters with past lovers or folks who trigger memories of former flames.

A few connections from Leigh and Laura gently guided me on a path of forgiveness and acceptance of the past. Leigh’s post on the  ho’oponopono prayer got me thinking of all the guilt and regret that still remains within me. An unexpected email from a stranger set in motion a fresh attempt to reframe any past relationships. I am speaking of the ones that seemed to stick with me, defying all my efforts to sever lingering cords. That stranger who contacted me is now a friend who readers know as Laura.

So I set out on an adventure to forgive all my past romantic entanglements, beginning with the first and moving towards present time. I would recite ho’oponono before falling asleep and visualize myself back in time with these former flames. It was often unpleasant as long forgotten details resurfaced. I was also looking to explore with fresh eyes the circumstances in which my ex from college would re-enter my life. I am seeking clues as to what his presence symbolizes for me now. I expected this process would eventually lead to healing. Truth be told, this exercise has been met with much resistance. However, I still am pursuing this path, hoping it is a “path with heart.”

But it is a path unfinished and did not reveal a story for the challenge. Around the same time ( late September) I followed up by contacting the director of the group practice where my ex works to inquire about employment. I did so because my ex works at their other location and my friend spoke so highly of the director. This contact led me to the discovery that I cannot get re-credentialed at my level of licensure. Perhaps this was a blessing in disguise because if I was hired and unable to work, the fallout would have been more upsetting and more time would have been wasted.

So I put off writing a post and hoped for the best. After reading Fiona’s challenge offering, I remembered an unfinished draft from July. Oddly enough, it addresses the challenge beautifully. Why am I surprised to discover that yet again Spirit has other plans?

So without further adieu I bring you my nonlinear, unplanned, but totally cool trip back in time:

See that girl, barefootin’ along,
Whistlin’ and singin’, she’s a carryin’ on.
There’s laughing in her eyes, dancing in her feet,
She’s a neon-light diamond and she can live on the street.

Hey hey, hey, come right away
Come and join the party every day.

Well everybody’s dancin’ in a ring around the sun
Nobody’s finished, we ain’t even begun.
So take off your shoes, child, and take off your hat.
Try on your wings and find our where it’s at. *

Was it 2015 or 1978 or perhaps 1967 ?  You decide:

July 4, 2015:

I had just received some long over -due money. I noticed that the Grateful Dead were live streaming their Chicago Fare Thee Well  50 year anniversary reunion concerts on On Demand. The fees were pricey but I had extra money. I deserved to splurge on something fun and purely entertaining. I had not seen any assembly of the Dead in decades and I was not going to be teleported to Chicago, sans an airplane ticket and place to stay. The concerts were to be held over 3 nights. This could be my last chance to see them perform, ever. Which night do I choose?

I could not justify viewing all 3 shows. I finally decided that July 4th would be the one. My reasoning was they would be settled in after the 1st show and since I associate the Dead with parties, why not celebrate America’s birthday in style? This decision was an arduous process. As an INFJ, I like to ponder and deliberate, often to a fault. In this case, I am glad I took my time.

Earlier that day I spotted a HUGE beetle like creature on my bedroom door. It seemed almost alien-like. I was terrified but managed to flush it down the toilet. Dexter was oblivious to this terrifying menace, but it certainly got a reaction out of me. I looked up beetle online to see what I could find here.

By J. Coelho [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

This image is a rather close approximation. While I found the various interpretations fascinating, the following paragraph holds true till the present:

Perhaps the most profound lesson the beetle shares with us is the lesson of transformation and adaptation. Beetles engage in metamorphosis for development and growth. From egg to adult, they are a marvel of transformation illustrated in a short lifetime. They go through these revolutionary transformations with aplomb, very nonchalantly and matter-of-factly. Beetles embrace the flow of life and all its transitions without question. They surrender to change.

Looking back, I realize that this was my final complete weekend with Dexter. I was blissfully unaware that he would be leaving me so soon. Yet I did surrender to change and enter into a phase of transformation. The beetle sighting was fortuitous as it signals a new way of being on the planet. I would venture a guess that Dexter is more adaptive than I have been, given his loving demeanor in spite of multiple placements and tricky health issues.  We have so much to gain from the natural world.

Post beetle episode, I am ready for the concert. There was so much to take in and integrate.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined watching a live concert on TV in this fashion. The word surreal is not superfluous in this instance. The telecast was filmed so you were truly in the moment, without commercials and artificial editing. I cannot exactly describe it, but it was quite close to being there in Chicago.

It turns out I almost lived in Chicago. My parents traveled their often as it was where my dad’s company’s main headquarters were located. It is also where they purchased my very first astrology book. I still have it and it was published in the 1960s. I also made a wonderful friend from Chicago who I met in Miami. We both stayed at the same hotel for 2 years over Xmas holidays. We became pen pals and I never forgotten her. Plus I have some online blogger buddies from Chicago so the city keeps appearing in my life.  I recently found out that we almost moved there when I was young. My mother revealed that my dad was offered a big promotion at the main headquarters. I was shocked to hear that he turned it down, given we moved around so often.  So here I am focusing in on elusive and mysterious Chicago. Here’s yet another example of the road not traveled.

wikipedia.org public domain

The music itself was very moving. The pace was slow and many of the songs were folksy and bluegrass style. The evening progressed like a heartfelt lullaby. Yet at certain points the mood shifted and the pace quickened. I had not been feeling well and was functioning on little energy. But I was propelled to get off my couch and dance. One song in particular set me in motion like a dervish. The Golden Road to Unlimited Devotion was playing. I could have been hallucinating , but I was lucid and sober. As Dexter watched, I began to swirl. This is MY song and I have never heard it performed live. I felt as if another force was propelling me into seamless, graceful, dizzying, flight. How did I get so energized? What was the source of all this power inside of me? I was floating on air, whizzing in circles, free of obstructions or constraints. I was on fire!

Later I researched the show online to read about the setlist. I came upon this article that blew my mind wide open. Here is what was written about the Golden Road performance:

Next up was “The Golden Road (To Unlimited Devotion),” a song Jerry Garcia wrote about the Haight hippie scene that The Grateful Dead only played a handful of times in 1967. Bruce Hornsby and Trey Anastasio fronted the group on the obscurity.

My favorite ( among favorites such as Eyes of the World, Sugar Magnolia, Truckin’, Scarlet Begonias, US Blues, and Box of Rain, to name a few) is basically a favorite of the few. It was last performed in 1967. I had not even heard of the band until 1977 and had not attended my first show until 1978.  It is probably a statistical anomaly that this song was performed on the exact night I decided to watch the show. This is not just a song to me. It is an anthem. I was this chick in the song in high school and college. Or at least I imagined myself to be like her. She was free and blissful and at peace. Perhaps I longed to get out of my own way so I could be her.

I actually transformed into her a few months earlier. Here is an excerpt of my May 26th post on dream number 3 of an incredibly active sojourn of slumber.

May 26, 2015 ( circa 1978?)

And now for something completely different:

3 – Went back in time to the 1970s. Lots of teens around, big crowd. I run into a friend.We will call him “Sam.” He used to be my dream prompt. Seeing him meant I was dreaming. He has not appeared in years though. There was to be a 1970s party. I was excited about this. My friend “Sam” said I would like to dance with you , big smile. I was so excited and I typically don’t like to dance. Lots of love between me and Sam, unlike real life where we were longtime yet intermittent, platonic friends. I knew him from when I first moved to NJ in the middle of 6th grade through the summer after HS grad when our families vacationed at the same hotel down the shore. At the party, there was such a joyous atmosphere. The room was dark and the music was psychedelic. Sam and I hit the dance floor and did our thing. We were both young but I danced with the confidence of a more mature person. In high school I would have not felt as eager to express myself this freely.

When I turned around I saw a young Bob Weir singing Grateful Dead music. It was a big surprise. I have dreamed of Bob and Jerry( Garcia) many times before over the years. Sometimes while dreaming I talk with them. In this dream I did not know Bob, nor did I interact with him. I was so excited and remembered Sam was there at my first Grateful Dead concert in 1978. The same day he and his band performed a concert at the high school. A group of us began to chant the date of that concert 5-13-78. ( later I checked and that was the actual date of the concert. How did I remember that?) It was wild. I said to him “You were in a band!” I think he was the lead singer. My friends who attended the concert with me were at this party or at the very least I mentioned them to Sam. Some of Sam’s friends were also there. Sam and I were becoming a couple and were very happy. I felt loved and adored.

What was so interesting was the Bob Weir became the face of the Dead once Jerry Garcia passed away. He was my favorite anyway so I would always focus on Bobby. I was also stunned to realize the prophetic nature of this dream. I was seeing Bob Weir perform and dancing as if no one was watching. I was imbuing my current knowingness into the past.  What a wild ride of past and future morphing together in Dreamtime. You could say that for a few short minutes I was livin’ the dream.

I said Fare Thee Well to Dexter one week later. I also learned that the farewell concerts were not the last. A newly formed group called Dead and Company featuring Bob Weir, John Mayer ( another Libra with loads of Scorpio) , Mickey Hart, and others have begun touring recently so the music apparently never stops in some form.

Update: Apparently Dead and Company were performing in Philadelphia last night ( 11-5-15) while I was completing this post. The synchronicity continues…

We never know how much or how little is happening at any given time. I did not know that my current physical body possessed that much energy. I certainly never expected to hear the Golden Road performed live and in real-time in my living room. Life is a mystery that keeps surprising me, just when I think I’ve got it all figured out.

But I have figured out one important lesson. I want to play! Perhaps having the experience of both spontaneity, exuberance, and confidence will assist me in replicating this behavior going forward. My birthday is approaching as I type and I have set my intention to be that girl from the Golden Road. Being free and playful and in motion is the way. 

The time machine kept me quite busy, transporting me to and from Philly to Chicago and to 1967 ( around the year I began studying astrology), 1978,  2015 and beyond. My consciousness flowed from waking state to frenzied ecstasy to Dreamtime. My challenge was not what I intended upon its inception in September. Yet I took the steps necessary to get me to this point. Now I am ready to try on my wings.

*lyrics credit

Here’s a video of the original 67 performance.

Here’s what I saw on 7-4-15.

Thanks to all for another spectacular blogging challenge. They keep getting better because WE keep getting better.

image credits: beetle by J. Coelho [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons dervishes images, wikipedia.org, public domain
header image, wikipedia.org, public domain

Fight Injustice Without Hate

I really truly thought I knew myself better. I expected to weather this isolation period rather well. I am an introvert at heart, that loves lingering in books, with solitude and the old oak tree as a backdrop. I figured once the shock of my layoff wore off and my benefits were established, I would discover some joy within and thrive with all this newfound free time. Well, I was mistaken. The perpetual conflicts I encounter with others continue in my pursuit to receive the benefits I worked hard to acquire. I pay taxes and I have worked very hard over my lifetime, often in psychologically toxic workplaces. My last employer should change its name to Clusterfuck. Yup, I just wrote that sentence. Anyone still wonder why my blog is anonymous?

My health is now showing the delayed result of my anger and pain. I have skin eruptions on my face and hands. It is painful and feels like extreme sunburn. Anger often is a response to hurt. Yes, I do feel hurt. Along with grief, rage, sadness and some hatred. It is unclear anymore which is mine and which is of the collective. As an empath, it is a challenge for me to discern with accuracy. Let’s say some of this stuff is mine to own. I will give you a recent example. Many errors were made by my last employer regarding retirement and health insurance benefits. None of these errors benefited me. I have put in hours upon hours working to unravel the mess that was made in order to clean it up permanently. I had to change insurance providers and was due a refund. Finally, I was told a check was on its way to me. The amount was much smaller than what was owed to me. Apparently they subtracted some funds that were a “writeoff ” for unpaid premiums. This is the thing: I had a zero balance and owed nothing. The insurance company gave me the timeframe of several years ago and I was employed at that time. They say the employer owes them money so it was deducted from my refund. I lost my composure and blew up. And then I gave up.

Around this time George Floyd was assaulted by police and is allegedly dead and my city is now “on curfew”. First of all, I do not know if this murder happened and/or the riots are staged. What I do know is the world is broken and I am out of answers. I have started limiting my social media and tv news consumption. I have asked for dreamless sleep, but have been denied this request. I have to admit I have some hatred in my heart. I have to admit that my past trauma of being a victim of violence has come up again. Many have said that old stuff is coming back for integration during these times of “awakening”. I thought I had done enough self-examination to last 50 lifetimes. My life force seems to be weakening.

So I watch nature and work on preserving Spring Green. Then an advertisement for Quaker zoom worship at Pendle Hill caught my eye. Pendle Hill, one of my power places where I met James and found mystic openings at every corner? Yes, that’s the one. They are offering anyone the chance to join the staff in daily meeting for worship at the Barn via Zoom. I have not prayed this way in many many years and have not been to Pendle Hill in quite some time. Although much of the energy of this place had dissipated for me, I was curious about this opportunity. I joined the worship group this Saturday morning. There were many tech difficulties and it looked like there would be no service, but the team prevailed. Over 100 people from all over the planet prayed together in silence. In Quaker worship, words are spoken only when someone is moved by Spirit. An African American woman was moved to speak. She wondered how she could fight injustice without feeling hate. I instantly knew her words were meant for me. I listened and reflected and remained silent. A few others spoke and at the end the Pendle Hill staff facilitated sharing of blessings and challenges and prayers for others. Then everyone says “good morning” via Zoom. I felt a lightness and some inner peace that lasted a few hours. When I went outside my home and sensed the sounds and wonder of Pendle Hill’s campus. It is hard to explain how this works but it is as if the energy of the campus is transported to my neighboring surroundings.

I was able to climb out of my temporary placement in the abyss after attending this service. I needed to know that others are struggling with injustice and not always doing it “correctly”. I realize that my personal struggles are not race related but have more to do with financial insecurity, loss of dignity, loss of respect, and loss of power. It is easier not to fight, but is it proper? I do not think so. These days I still find myself trapped in quicksand, where the seemingly easiest tasks take forever to complete, or devolve into battles of will. Eclipse season is upon us and I do not have any answers, but I was able to display some Spring Green imagery and can seek shelter in morning prayer , at least one time.

images courtesy of wikipedia and wikiart public domain and litebeing chronicles © 2020

Anticipatory Grief

While one may say this is the perfect time to solidify a meditation practice, I am not finding this true for me. I will use the Calm app or be still for 3o seconds when the Calm commercial comes on but I am not drawn to regular sit down meditation right now. I will find myself staring out the window, mesmerized by nature’s stirrings. While walking outside today I was gently focusing on the buds floating on the breeze’s carpet, making soft patterns in the air. Simply observing the mist dance from the essential oil infuser is also relaxing and meditative in its own way.

These simple observations awaken me to the natural flow of life, undisturbed ( or less disturbed) by human manipulation. Have you noticed how alive Spring has been this year? The birds seem more active, the trees more vibrant and the sky more dynamic. We are part of this cosmic dance, but usually are out of step with the rest of Gaia’s inhabitants.

Over the past few weeks I have thought about my former clients and what life has been like for them since the pandemic. To lose their therapist on top of everything else seems so unfair to me. But fairness is never a certainty. We can strive to be fair in our deeds and actions, but 3D life is not fair at all and may have been designed this way. I pray for my clients and hope they are getting all the support that they need.

I went back into therapy last year for a number of reasons, the primary one being that I was feeling sad at the end of 2018. It seemed prudent to get some support so I would not slide into a depression. While I took this step with ambivalence, I proceeded to find someone ( ” Angie ” ) local and affordable. I did not overthink this process and found someone rather quickly. She is an artist, lives closeby, and works in her home. She is older, very approachable and quite kind. Her home is an oasis, decorated the way I would if I took the time and care and had the resources. I felt safe there in this house with this person to be me, a therapist seeking therapy. I have not been in therapy for a very long time and was not sure how it would go. Ann’s style is very direct and expressive. She shares about her own life with deliberate intention. She chooses to show who she is and says it is becoming more mainstream to have less of a wall between client and clinician. Angie freely gives out articles and resources and is patient. She seemed to be a good choice for me. Imperfect, but certainly capable of holding space for my healing.

Last summer I went to her home for a session and no one was there. I called her after a few minutes went by and she told me she was in the hospital and would be there a few weeks. I was taken aback by this. Angie later divulged she developed leukemia and that treatment is complicated and lengthy. She offered me referrals if I wanted to see someone else. I decided to wait it out and she updated me on her progress. Eventually, we resumed our sessions and her health improved. I became very concerned about her health as she looked very tired and frail. It was a challenge for me to keep myself in the receiving role. Which is why I waited a while between visits. I told myself she would look healthier over time and this is my issue, not hers. When the pandemic happened, I knew I had to stay away and that I do not like zoom sessions. Ironic right, since I was providing telehealth to my clients. A couple of weeks ago after the layoff, I reached out because I needed to vent and get additional support. Imagine my horror when Angie emails me to say she is no longer practicing because she is dying. I wrote back to get clarity and Angie said the leukemia returned. I recall her telling me that if this happened she would not seek more treatment. I brushed her remark aside because the transplant was successful. Well, it was until it wasn’t.

I don’t know how to handle this. I have never gotten an email like this before and I feel abandoned. I do not want to find someone else. I want Angie to get better, yet I respect her choices. I just want the situation to be different. I will not know when she is dead and she could be already gone. I question the point of our brief time working together, that almost did not happen. I was not certain I wanted to open myself up again to a stranger. Was this loss more problematic than what brought me to her in the first place? I won’t know until much later when hindsight kicks in. It was suggested that I perform a ritual to help me mourn. Loss often has an aspect interruption within it. This relationship seems unfinished. And yet it is finished. Angie is true to herself and I appreciate that about her, along with her kindness, resilience from personal difficulties, and her honesty. I also admire how much she loved doing healing work. So many times she would share how lucky she is to be a therapist. Maybe because she chose it later in life and learned to appreciate her second career, or maybe because Angie just enjoyed helping others in this way. Her enthusiasm inspired me to try harder when I wasn’t excited about my work. The articles she gave me will remain part of my connection with her going forward.

One can say that living on Earth in a body always contains anticipatory grief to some degree. Our time here is finite and most of us do not get advance warning. It feels quite heavy to live with so many loose ends. But I will do the best that I can and writing is one form of therapy for me. Releasing my inner world this way is healing and comes naturally. I do not take this gift for granted. But there is more grieving to do.

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Book Review : The Little Soul and the Sun

litebeing’s note: I have re-posted a section of a blog I wrote in 2014 to showcase this book review. It just occurred to me that if we truly want to save this planet and each other, we need to be kinder, forgive more, resent less, and become more open to each other. This is not about the “other”, rather it is about recognizing there is no one outside of ourselves. Separation is an illusion. This children’s book is truly a gift to all children of Creation, reminding us to see the Divine everywhere and all-ways.

It was nearly fourteen years ago when I first was introduced to The Little Soul and the Sun by Neale Donald Walsch.  After gazing at it on Amazon for a long time ( could not find it offline), I finally ordered it.  The package arrived a few days ago and we had a joyous reunion! To read it again after all this time is so empowering and certain passages triggered a profound crying spell. These were tears of recognition of the power of the Source and my longing for that complete connection. Shortly after I had my awakening during the Summer of 2005 I returned to a very chaotic work situation. Many people had moved on and the entire leadership team of my department was in flux. One of my supervisors ( one of the few who remained) was led to bring me a book to borrow. He had never done so before. He came to my cubicle and said that he wanted me to read this book because it will help me deal with a very difficult dilemma. He handed me this children’s book. I am thinking ” Why is he giving me a children’s book?” When I saw that the author was Neale Donald Walsch, creator of the Conversation with God series, I was happy to dig in.

This beautifully illustrated tale is about the purpose of the human experience and the contracts we make with one another in order to help us fulfill our unique expression of the Divine. It tells the tale of one soul who wanted to live the wonder of his being through physical expression on Earth and chose to experience the nature of forgiveness. This short story succinctly explains the role of darkness in the Universe and why this physical world is ” all pretend.” It is indeed a children’s book, but I enjoyed it as much or more than many of the heady metaphysical material that I pore through on a regular basis. The main theme is to forgive one another for any perceived wrongdoing and to recognize that we are all loving beings of light.

I understood the reason my supervisor lent me this book, yet I was unable to forgive this coworker who was to play a powerful role in my workgroup. I did not have the support necessary to deal with her daily, and look beyond her current persona that was quite untrustworthy and manipulative. While I understood that a great life lesson was before me, I simply was unprepared to take this challenge on. Not at this time.

I ultimately used this situation to once and for all make a clean break from a system that I had outgrown. This coworker actually did me a huge favor by being a catalyst that set these events in motion. By the way, I  lent my supervisor Dan Millman’s The Way of the Peaceful Warrior in exchange for his kind gesture.  It was the least I could do!

I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants a major heart-opening. This may seem paradoxical to many, but often the simpler texts teach me more about life than the scholarly ones. Perhaps this is why I am so drawn to poets like Rumi. He packed millennia of lifetimes condensed into mere sentences. Sometimes less is more. Check out Sindy’s post here to read the entire story!

May we all become wiser, stronger, more conscious and kinder to ourselves and everyone who crosses our path.

book image courtesy of amazon.com

Sick Day Summary

It has been so long since I have published anything original. Working 4 ten hour days a week ( including evenings) has left me tired or depleted energetically more often than not. I think about this blog and community often and I want you all to know you are with me every step of the way.

The way has been busy and productive but tinged with loneliness, anxiety, and dread. I am grateful to have a job I enjoy where I can see what I have helped create. Yet I feel very insecure, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am lucky to have people I can discuss my worries with, but it is not always enough. So many years of underemployment or unemployment have left me shaky and uneasy. With both transiting Pluto and Saturn trudging around my 12th house, I understand where some of this malaise is rooted. But still, it persists.

My relationship with my mother remains fractured and this saddens me, and yet, it seems to be more real. I try to balance my awareness of her advancing age with my need to let her know that we have mostly been strangers to one another throughout our entire relationship.  I work on remaining careful not to hurt her and still communicate as directly and plainly as I can. I want to be the bigger person but it is difficult when I am the bigger person all over my life. There are so few people who can comfort me and hear me and really accept me just as I am. So I strive to be that person for me. Learning to love yourself IS the greatest love of all.

I called out sick today and it was much needed. I am happy to report my body is on the mend, so my choice to stay home was a sound one. With Mercury retrograde, I still had to spend unwanted time contacting colleagues because of communication breakdowns.  I have been feeling so tired lately. The astro weather isn’t helping either. My uncle died and my boss quit his job within days of each other during this eclipse cycle.  Two different events; one natural, the other seemingly unexpected. I recently concluded my uncle was the last male relative of the generation before mine.  I did not know him well. We were not close, but he is a symbol of my childhood and he was a decent man. Uranus most likely messed with his Taurus sun, but he lived a long life, seemingly content.

My boss is one of the nicest supervisors I have ever worked with. Spoiler alert: when I am fortunate enough to get a great boss, they usual resign shortly after I am hired. He stayed for almost 6 months of my tenure and that is a record. He is a double Pisces, so of course, we got along. He has his faults, but he is so good with people, so kind, and so caring. A real lightworker. I did not see his resignation coming, but here it is. I have a history of scary supervisors replacing the nice ones, but I can rewrite this old narrative. In fact, I already have: ” I have learned so much about this new job setting and mastered so many new tasks while working with this person. He believes in me and is not afraid to be complimentary and recognize hard work. I saw how authority does not have to be used to gain power and control. I appreciate the time I worked with him and the impact he has made.”

I am grieving him, even while he still is working with me for a few more weeks. I assumed I would leave before he would. Oh well, I was mistaken. I do not do loss well, but over time I have been able to let go sooner and easier. This is growth. Speaking of loss, I have had a few dreams lately featuring my first cat Jasmine. I have no digital pictures of her to post, but I can describe her as a petite calico with green eyes. She was gorgeous and independent and aloof. But she was my first baby and I adopted her at about 7 weeks old. She lived with me for 16 years. Dexter was bigger than life, but Jasmine taught me about how to nurture another. It is curious why she is emerging in dreamtime, but it is cool to see her again happy and thriving.

This catchup post is a hodgepodge of topics, quickly assembled from the recesses of my mind and heart, but it feels liberating to share my ramblings with you on this cooler than usual July evening. So much remains uncertain, but one idea rings true: service with passion equals a full heart and warm soul.

A House is Not a Home

Thanks to the magic of Google maps, I do not have to take a new image to show my childhood home. I lived here from the end of 6th grade through junior year of college. The house was white with light blue trim originally but my parents decided on a chocolate brown upgrade.

I recently learned that my mother sold our house to move into an older adult apartment community, aka retirement place where people go to die community. I know this is strong language, but I am speaking my truth. She has wanted to sell even before my dad died, over 10 years ago. I do not know if I will get the chance to see it in-person one last time before she vacates.

Here’s the thing: I spent most of my childhood in various apartments in four states from birth to age 11. I had 4 homes from 2nd through 6th grade, including going to two different schools in separate states for both 5th and 6th grades. We finally “settled down ” when I was 11 as my parents purchased this modest home in a predominantly affluent housing development. It is the only house I ever lived in, with a yard and separation from neighbors. This meant privacy and less noise ( outside of my family dramas). Why my parents could not wait for the summer to move says way more about how I was parented then anything else. My moon in Gemini in the fourth house would speak to the frequent disruptions, but damn, my dad was not in the military!

This ordinary suburban split level structure was filled with drama, kind of like Game of Thrones, but without the dragons or intriguing character arcs. It contained plenty of power plays, betrayals, and arguments. I would not call it a happy home. But a house is not a home.

I have not as of yet lived in a house as an adult. My homes have all been apartments. While my current home is fine, it is small and a bit crowded with stuff because of insufficient storage space. Maybe this is partly why I am having some difficulty letting my old house go. This is a place, mind you, that I rarely visited once I moved away. I could not wait to get out of there and told myself I would not return. My sister did live there a few years after college, but I did not.

The therapist part of me knows that I still want to ” reclaim my childhood” before letting go of the house. I have done as much inner work as I can on this. When I consider the fond memories, they are overshadowed by darkness, with one exception.

That would be the music.

My mom plays piano well and this gift was passed down from her father who learned by ear. I don’t know how he was exposed to the piano, but he did play in the silent movie theaters, so I am told. The house was warm with emotion when my mom sang and played on many an evening. She lit up completely while playing. I believe she was born to play. She says the piano is going with her to the new place.

Google maps has made it possible for me to move on even if I cannot find time for a visit before the place is packed up or occupied by the new residents. I hope they make it a house filled with love. When or if they have children ( it is a young couple), I pray they figure out how to parent them well, or well enough. Maybe then they won’t all grow up to be therapists and heal others as a way to address their unhealed parts.

I am afraid this post is coming off rather bitter, but this is not my intention. I am still figuring out why I am bothered so much by this event. I can understand why my mother wants to live among people her age and have activities and transportation at her disposal. All I know is that I feel sad and a bit confused.

I am well aware that home is inside me, at the seat of my soul. A house is a structure made up of matter, which is not solid. I don’t remember my family being that messed up until we moved in. Perhaps it had to do with my parents’ entrance into middle age and the state of the marriage. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I will continue living life the best I know how, with faith that I can find joy and peace within. And some sweet music wouldn’t hurt either.

Pluto station – purge, clear, forgive, release

Howdy litebeings! Pluto  in Capricorn stations direct this Sunday 9-30-18. This event occurs on the heels of Venus stationing retrograde on 10-5-18 in Pluto ruled Scorpio ( where Jupiter currently resides). The convergence of Saturnian, Jupiterian and Plutonian energies is quite palpable. Just look to the societal dramas as they escalate to a profound cathartic crescendo.

This station is a BIG deal!  Enjoy this reblog that provides some helpful tools and insights, Do the work, I promise to  continue to work alongside of you.

  Namaste, litebeing

Winter Review ~ Radical Empathy

Since some of my strongest writing mojo occurs when the Moon is in Taurus ( my natal 3rd house) I figured I would eke out a quick blog. This is the next segment in the  Winter Review “of weirdness” series ( in which I extended Winter from 9/17 through 3/18.)  The Thanksgiving 2017 period was fraught with challenges, a virtual shit storm, so let me tell you about that three-week time frame. While there were minor astrological happenings during this 3 week period, nothing extreme was at play.  No eclipses or major planetary transits, nada.

Since I did not have Black Friday off, I stayed home for the holiday and that was fine. Three days later I noticed strange pain emanating from my right hand. It quickly developed into a rash with blisters. I had them examined both at work ( we have a nursing team) and by 2 doctors. I was given anti viral meds and the area was biopsied. A couple of days later I develop hives from the anti-viral medication!

Kokoa

Fortunately I was able to have the time off to see a specialist since I was home anyway. This is because 2 days after I developed the finger inflammation,  I was in a three car collision. It took place right by Parx Casino, just a few minutes from my work. A car hit me from behind, causing my car to hit the car in front of me. I was increasingly upset as both drivers of the other cars fled the scene! I pulled off the road and called the police. My car aka Kokoa, was damaged, but I was able to drive it home. It is interesting to note that at the time of impact I was thinking about a recent news article I had read just days earlier, highlighting an intersection nearby as notoriously dangerous. And then boom!, I was hit! Sometimes I get a heads up and other times it is just a fear program inside my head.

The car took a few weeks to repair and I was offered a Mercedes as a rental for a very cheap rate. I forget exactly why, but it had to do with the amount of time needed to rent and their lack of choice of vehicles. It was so strange driving this Mercedes around. I was afraid I would damage it and it did not feel like a car I ought to drive. And yet, I welcomed to experience what it might be like to be affluent. I did enjoy the seat warmers and the keyless remote. I also liked how the mirrors would turn in when you lock the vehicle. I also wondered how I would be received on the road. I notice that SUVs and luxury cars seem to expect plenty of leeway. So this was  a chance to reinvent my driving persona.

wikipedia public domain

Meanwhile a week or so later I find out my hand condition is a contagious virus, with confusion about the diagnosis ( typical with my alien Aquarius rising body.) So I am at a training on AIDS and the trainer talks about getting a call from the health department. The next week we have another training with the same instructor. This is the day I get to pick up Kokoa from the shop. While at work I check my phone messages and I get a voicemail from the health department! I am thinking I may be HIV positive and I panic. I finally get the right person on the phone and find out they were inquiring about the virus on my hand, WTF? I was not notified that anyone had contacted the health department and I was pissed, yet relieved. So  I am driving to the auto shop and a cop pulls me over in the Mercedes, claiming I ran a red light. Here I am trying to get to the shop before it closes and I am stuck  waiting for the ticket to be completed.  Then I get home and see I have only one earring on. So along with everything else, I lost a new amethyst earring, which remains missing despite my efforts to retrieve it at work and the auto shop. Plus now I am worried I have too many points and may face a license suspension! How would I get to work? I am also aware that the drivers in both recent car accidents, (4/17 and 11/17) walked away while I paid several hundred dollars for car rental and repairs. The cop implies I should come to court. Weeks later I do go to court and he offers me a plea and changes the charges! So my points are removed, but they get more money from me in fees. Can anyone say SCAM ?

freerangestock.com

This was a lot of chaos in only a few short weeks, most of it occurring in the span of 2 days. I am still getting body work ( chiro and massage) to address my injuries, and have improved significantly. The massage therapist practices astrology so we talk about all things metaphysical each week. I still get recurrent outbreaks on both hands from this mystery virus, but it seems to be lessening in frequency and in intensity.

What did I learn? There is still no resolution to my mystery ailment or the odd synchronicity concerning learning about health department involvement at training and my subsequent call from the health department. I will share what I learned from my newish car Kokoa enduring two hit and runs within less than one year ; the first almost totaling the car, and the last causing me some physical and emotional distress. This is the situation that eventually led to clarity. After the speedy accumulation of so much fear, trauma, and anger, I was able to appreciate that the drivers are just ordinary humans, making poor choices. While I did not witness the first accident, I was there for the second one and saw the driver leaving the casino and driving recklessly, probably texting or drunk or both. The casino crowd is typically in a hurry to get to and from this  establishment. I could picture myself as a younger version of me, partying too hard and being careless.  I could also, eventually, see myself as the driver in the first accident – apparently wearing a hijab ( according to eye-witnesses) , racing up the hill and slamming right into my parked car, and successfully evading the efforts to be located and made accountable by the insurance company. Her vehicle was a painted over police car and had a very dark vibe. I tried to imagine a person who works the system and is troubled,  attempting to embrace her religious path. Yes, these are both stories I made up, but this is my process. It required a lot more time and work on my part to feel empathy for the first driver, because the accident seemed deliberate and malicious. However, that is just a judgement. Learning about my ancestry also helped mellow me a bit about those who are perceived as possible terrorists. I have had many judgments about women in the US with hajibs, based on my relationships with these particular women.  These judgments are ridiculous, but they were strongly held within me.  I see more and more each day how I could be any personality housed temporarily in any body with any set of circumstances and an ever-changing state of consciousness.

I also judged people who drive huge SUVS, Audis, Mercedes, and similar vehicles. Audis invariably tailgate with delight and without fail. Why, I don’t know, but this observation has made me very wary of this brand. All of these beliefs were based mostly on my encounters while driving. After a few weeks with the Mercedes, I realized quickly that I preferred my Honda and that Mercedes drivers are just souls in bodies! Imagine that! Like most of us, I have accumulated plenty of theories about people based on education, life experiences, or other people’s ideas. I do not want to be that person anymore.  Empathy can lead to forgiveness and I am pretty much living on Forgiveness Avenue. I still wonder why Kokoa has had so much drama, but I am learning to let it all go.

I consider this journey as a portal towards radical empathy, which differs from simply being sensitive to the energy of another being. It is about undoing years of negative ( and maybe ancestral) programming, feeling the hurt, and  finally releasing it back to Source.

Thanks for reading this not – so – short, short blog. Thanks also for helping me keep it real as I learn best in community. Most readers seem to prefer this raw unvarnished material, so enjoy this offering as a gift to you.

 

amethyst image courtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain