Elusive Silver Lining

 

Thank you dear readers for sticking with me. I recently noticed that I lost a few subscribers recently. There could be many reasons but I hope it isn’t about my content. Unfortunately or not, I am writing about my spiritual awakening. It isn’t pretty( except when it is ) and often it can seem chaotic and ugly. But it is as authentic as I have probably ever been as a public writer. At sone point these posts may be pulled and made into a different project. Whatever I decide, I guess my style may not be for everyone.  As an artist, the work should be about the art. Today I learned of yet another important death in mu world through Facebook. This is another really important loss to me. I am dedicating this post to the memory of Marie.

As it often happens, I get a nudge to do something. I review the nudge and then discern my plan of action. I was asked to check on Marie on Facebook. She was my best friend in college but we had lost touch. We were not Facebook Friends but I figured she was on there. She has been on my mind a bit since her birthday is the day that Rick died. She was yet another Scorpio, born one year before me. When I arrived at her page I noticed it looked different and was labelled a Legacy page. She had passed.

I could not find anything at all about her passing online. I concluded that perhaps for now I do not need the details. I am edging close to Depression at this point. My essence cannot take anymore grief. I am reaching my limit. I know this is not about me, it is about her. Yet I cannot help but wonder why I am losing friends that are younger than me. I realize children die daily as do people of every age. No one has a guarantee. I suppose it was her time. I have been dreading November 2nd anyway and now it seems more menacing to me. This year has been the year where I have felt the most alone. Part of the reason is I allowed my heart to open up and now I feel even more of everything. The one person I want to talk with will not talk to me. He knows about my alienation and loneliness. He knows how so many people have moved far away from where I live and they used to live. He knows but is not available to me. I also know that people are tired of supporting me. At least that is how I feel. My life has been too EXTRA. It probably comes off as dramatic. For me it is just about survival. I feel like life won’t get better and this is my future.

I do my spiritual practices daily. I breathe, do Reiki, get Acupuncture treatments,  take in positive content, engage is gratitude practice, and pray. Sometimes I set intentions and meditate. Sometimes I journal as well. It just seems like I signed up for a very intensive reset where I have little say about the pace. I do expect people I know will pass but not all at once and not folks that are younger or very dear to my heart. If I was in my Eighties, yes, but not now.

Marie was my best friend at Temple University. There were a few others that I was close with but she took the top spot. We were naturally two peas in a pod. I found her chart and see why we clicked so well. She was so much fun to be around. Marie has a great sense of humor and was quite witty. She was very bright and great with details. She could have been a therapist but was less ambitious I suppose. She was pretty, quite bold, and very caring. She reminds me a bit of Samantha from the show Sex and the City. She was adventurous ad her own person. She did not judge and she was very supportive. If she was around I could talk to her about my life now and she would listen. While I do not think she would understand the woo, she would do her best to be a friend. We both did poorly in Biology class and took the class over at the same time. We became lab partners and made the best of it. We both improved our grades which was essential to succeed as Psych majors. It is funny that both in high school and college my lab partners were my Scorpio sisters. One born Nov 10th and the other Nov 2nd. Looking back it seems I always had plenty of Pluto peeps in my life.

Marie loved music as many of us do. She was Irish through and through and was so excited to see U2 in concert back in 1983. I was just learning about the bad at that time. I was sorry when we lost touch but we did reunite again later as older adults. She sent me some mementos in the mail that I have kept over the years. We also met up once for a long lunch to catch up. It was clear to me that we had grown apart in many ways but the connection was still there. We have no unfinished business, no karma to worry about. I feel sad but there are no regrets other than that she did not get to live a long life. But that does not mean she wasn’t complete. The truth is that I have no data and no one in my life who can share info with me. My interests really shifted after graduation further and further into the mystical path. My boyfriend David at the time was a catalyst. Most of my college peeps were not seekers. It was what it was and I am okay with it. My struggle is that I feel more angst than I did before my awakening in May. I am no longer sure if there is a point to any of it anymore.

Let’s end my pity party with some music. Marie brought so much to my life. She brought out a bolder, wilder side of me and was so much fun. I could not imagine those four years without her. I just remembered we both love purple. So I am typing these final words in our signature color. I will share a few music videos to celebrate her memory. I love you Marie and hope that you are at peace and surrounded by love.

 

Marie and our gang adored Rocky Horror and attended many midnight shows. She named our dissected pig? Rocky in Bio class. Was it a pig? In any case I know she would enjoy this tune.

Marie also loved U2. I chose a few songs from the early years.

 

I truly hope I can see everyone I miss one more time.

 

Another oldie but goodie.

 

Here is to all those we miss who were taken too soon. Here is also to forging new connections. Every dear love was once someone we have not met yet. Perhaps that is the silver lining I have been seeking. Tell someone you love them today. Do it for me. Do it for them. Do it for you.