Readers may wonder what is up with Linda. I ask myself that question often lately. Who am I now? What happened to the person from just a few months ago? On the outside I probably look the same. But people react to me differently. I think they feel my new vibe. But I do not ask them so I am not sure.
Facebook lately has been the bane of my existence. I keep heading back there to use Messenger or check out what’s going on at the big Astrology Conference in Chicago. I had planned to go. Truly I did. I was ready to make a commitment about a year ago. Something said this is not a good idea. This experience is not for you. I told myself I needed to be closeby because I may have to attend a funeral. Someone may pass away. Someone else or me. I better not go. I then decided since I won’t be going I can afford to get an Astrology reading from a stranger. A stranger I met on Facebook. Often I wonder why I got this reading. Wouldn’t I have been better off going with someone I already knew? Someone that I trusted.
So here we are. Turns out I was correct about the funeral. It never occurred to me it would be someone younger than me. Last year Emily was in remission. Often I wish my intuition was incorrect. I am not upset I missed the conference in progress now. I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Facebook is a place where so much of my life has a story. Cousins, elementary school friends, blogger pals, longtime local or not so local friends, colleagues, ex boyfriends, deceased boyfriends, future boyfriends?
I never dated anyone online. I have a great CB radio story though which may take shape in a future post. Most of the important people in my life just showed up. I did not have to do much but show up myself with a little faith and an open heart. Most of the men I dated could be vetted by other people in my tribe. Not always but often enough. I rarely dated someone I met in a bar. Usually folks appeared at parties, near my home, at my work, at their work, at the local hangouts, etc. What am I doing ? What am I thinking? Am I thinking?
My connection with Maurice is one of the strangest and most of my connections would be categorized as strange. I do not choose the easy choice. I go with my gut and my heart. If I used logic it would be different somehow. i understand the role of fate. We can fight fate but it is a futile fight.
Here’s the thing : We are not on the same page. He pisses me off on the regular and I think the feeling is mutual. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that we are meant to be. This is regardless of what either one of us even consciously want. I was not looking for anyone. Rick was truly the end of the line. When I met Rick I was not interested in a partner either. My point is that I was okay just being alone. In the past I had ideas that I was supposed to meet someone and create good works together. We would collaborate on projects to lift the world up. None of my romantic unions checked that particular box. Individually yes, but not as a couple. As I mature I learn to just accept what I have and not worry about what is not meant for me. Now I am not sure what is meant for me.
Maurice has not been cooperative lately and I get it. He occasionally says or does something online to get my attention. These antics tend to piss me off. My logical mind would say to leave him alone and move on. ” He is not worth your time. We do not really know each other and I concocted a narrative in my head. ” I excel at this, making up fantasies in my head. I am a writer after all. I have detached in many ways. I have dropped all connections with him except for the Facebook friend link. I know he reads my posts and part of me wants him to know more about me. I ask myself why I care. Typically if I do not have regular contact with a person I move on. If they are not interested , my interest wanes. I have no clear understanding why I am still invested. But the synchronicities keep coming. There are so many signs. He shows up still on social media and YouTube. I have dropped him from email lists , YouTube channel, his FB business page, etc. Still he shows up front and center. He showed up in my dream recently. This is odd since my sleep is disturbed and my dream recall sucks. The dream was strange and very different from my typical dreams about men in my life. Not sure if it was semi -lucid or even an astral visit. I create more distance and the signals get stronger. Why ?
When I do indulge myself and look at his photos , I undergo a transformation. I look at a variety of locations and timelines. There are so many photos taken all over this planet. When I look deeply, my heart bursts open. I feel his love within. It is palpable. How do I know someone I do not know? I have not been to most of these locations and I have never even been in the same room as him at the same time. We actually have been to a couple conferences over the years but never met. My point is that there appears to be two tracks. Logically speaking he wants nothing to do with me and I need to just forget him. On this other track it seems that we are actually moving closer towards each other. One track is tangible and the other is closer to insanity. Why do I care at all? My friends disapprove. To those here on WP, I got the memo. I understand your reasoning.
I better understand my cynical attitude about love. I really am out of my league here. I usually suck at choosing men or staying interested. I feel like I lack certain skillsets are missing, similar to an automobile that was not properly assembled at the factory. Essential equipment were not installed. I truly hope that I can put all of this behind me because I do not see what purpose is served. Our composite astrology chart promises a beautiful future but the day to day promises a world of hurt for me.
This old song seems to embody my impression at the moment. It is funny that I find myself here at this point in my life. If I only avoided Facebook. But I made my bed, metaphorically speaking. Time will tell what my future holds. I hope that I can gain perspective and to seek whatever is seeking me.
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