wikipedia.org public domain

Poseidon Adventure

The Pisces full moon this past Wednesday was quite intense because Neptune was conjunct the moon at the time. Considering that Mercury was at the Solar Eclipse degree for this lunation at 28 Leo, the Eclipse was triggered. Take Neptune, the eclipse and a Pisces full moon, add a sprinkle of climate change ( trying to add a little levity here) and you have one hell of a deluge coming your way.

Hurricane Irma is pummeling Florida as we speak. The damage it is creating is historic both in scope and magnitude. Before hitting Florida, Irma made contact with Barbuda, St. Maarten, the Bahamas, the Virgin Islands and Cuba. Barbuda is decimated and St. Maarten is not in much better shape. This current storm is happening  just a couple of weeks after Hurricane Harvey ravaged Houston and surrounding areas.

My heart goes out to all those who are suffering and all the people devoted to rescue and recovery. I have family in Florida and a few blogger friends as well. I keep praying for their safety.

Many memories  flooded back to me as I watched some of the media coverage:

Trekking all over the terrain of St. Maarten with my family as a teen. Spending New Year’s Eve at this amazing restaurant on the French Side.

Walking Collins Avenue with my friends looking for adventure. Strolling along Lincoln Road with my mom and grandmom. Miami Beach was her home for most of my life and we spent almost every Christmas visiting my mother’s side of the family in South Florida. My first plane ride was as a toddler to Miami.  I have seen scores of black and white pictures of myself with my cousins at their house. Biscayne Boulevard, South Beach, Fort Lauderdale, yup I’ve been there.

Spring break on my senior high school trip to Daytona Beach and Disney World was quite an excursion. Sneaking into a disco underage with my friends, good times!  I had already been to Orlando a couple of times, but it was so much cooler being on your own with friends at age seventeen  ( there were teachers as chaperones, but..)

Viewing cheesy home movies of my mother as a young woman surrounded by Flamingos in Nassau. My parents visited here shortly after they were married.

Driving from New Jersey to Tampa with my friend and her sister was quite an adventure. After our arrival, I then flew from Tampa to Miami to spend time with my aunt and uncle, my cousins, and my grandma. It was the first time I took a major road trip and traveled on a plane by myself. It was so wonderful to really bond with my cousins and my grandmother.  After all, I only saw them occasionally throughout the years. I still can taste the exotic foods served at the Cuban pig roast feast. Yucca, plantains, and lots of anticipation of a bright new year. I always loved hearing Spanish being spoken on my visits and how my dad would often be mistaken for Cuban by the natives. But that will be covered in a later post….

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I love this area and I have roots here. But the thing is, we all  have roots everywhere. Blogging has widened my circle and I know people practically all over this beautiful planet. Many of us have expanded our circles through social media over the years. But even before that, we as people are one people. Energetically speaking, there are no real boundaries between us. How many more disasters ( etymological translation is “ill-starred” ) do we need to endure before the realization hits that we have to solve our differences and heal the divisions so we can ultimately heal Gaia? So many have predicted devastation to coastal areas for this timeline. Is it inevitable? I don’t agree.

We can transform our reality.

 

I added some movie disaster songs. They are poignant and inspiring:

 

Let’s love ourselves and one another. We can transcend challenging transits or eclipses or futile division. Neptunian energy can be associated with many things. As the higher octave of Venus, Neptune epitomizes Spiritual Love.

 

Interested in learning more about your astro-forecast? Contact me here.

I am seeking blog donations at this time. Contact me here if you are so inclined.

images courtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain
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September Splash

Re-Write Your Story

I wrote these words on the easel in my office on my very last day of work. I used them as inspiration for an exercise I concocted for the Pick Up The Pieces group I ran every Wednesday afternoon. This group was designed for adolescents and young adults who wanted to find their way back to living, not simply existing as mental health consumers. The purpose was to nurture one’s resilience and find a path forward.  It was my baby and I worked very hard to bring this concept to life. It was exciting to witness positive changes in the group members and the group was creating quite a buzz in my program. It gave me a reason to get up in the morning and I miss it terribly.

I had the participants jot down an event that they found to be upsetting with a very negative outcome. Their task was to re-write the story and imagine a new, positive ending. I could tell they found this exercise challenging, but they prevailed and began to write.  They were to return next Wednesday to discuss their revised stories. I was not there the following Wednesday to find out how their events were re-imagined, but I get to revise my own narrative.

My dear friend and  fellow bloggette Sue suggested a few weeks ago that I re-imagine my Colonodyssey  piece to re-vitalize my energy. She thought it would be healing for me to move on from that episode and I agreed.  It seemed like a great idea, but I was not ready at the time. Then inspiration finally hit! September has arrived with cold, rainy might, announcing a change of the energies in a dramatic way. Where was Summer, I wonder? This pronounced change may have aided my ability to begin a new project.  I have just started drawing this evening and the process of conceptualization has altered my mood quite noticeably. Seeing some lovely images of the Grand Canyon on TV and in print have left me wanting more. The bold colors and contrasts, not to mention how the light bounced off the rock and water, all did their part. That yearning to feel awe and majesty has led me to begin my interpretation of one of Gaia’s natural spectacles. I have a hunch the Grand Canyon will be a significant symbol in my evolution.

This post is to coax me to continue creating and remembering that life is creation. Change is not an enemy, but an ally that sustains the material experience.  At least, that is what I am telling myself. And I know I can change my thoughts. Afterall, what have I been telling my clients for years?

I feel sad that my group could not continue and that my connections with my clients have been severed. But I cannot ignore the fact that I decided to declare Re-write Your Story on my very last day of work, not knowing that it would be the final words left as my swan song. This is significant to me; I feel it deep in my bones.

September has made a splash and I am excited to see where it takes me.

How about you?

 

Here is the inspiration for my group’s title:

 

UPDATE: Guess what I found on the front page of Sunday’s newspaper?

 

 

Interested in learning more about your astro-forecast? Contact me here.

I am seeking blog donations at this time. Contact me here if you are so inclined.

images courtesy of wikpedia.org, public domain
wikipedia.org public domain

Saturn Direct

There are mountains in our way, but we climb a step every day.

Saturn stations direct on 8-25-17 at 8:08 AM EDT. I am already noticing a calmness and expectancy of progress. In my chart, this transit is occurring in the 10th house of reputation, calling, and public persona. Considering all the changes I am experiencing, I am hopeful that clarity and peace will prevail.

Many of my readers have been aware that I have been quite depressed for a few months. Those who are astrologically-minded will understand that transiting Saturn has been opposing my natal moon in the 4th house since Christmas 2016. During this same time period, transiting Pluto has been opposing my natal Mars in the 6th house.  The second direct hit of both these cosmic events just occurred within a few days of each other, (the beginning of this month). They are still strongly in effect and will remain until October 2017 and December 2017 respectively. The lunar and solar eclipses just amplified the intensity for me. The lunar eclipse was conjunct my ascendant and square my Sun. Monday’s solar eclipse was conjunct my chart ruler, Uranus in my 7th house, close to my descendant and opposing Chiron. All my wounds about identity and relationships came up for review big time.

Within just a few days my life has truly changed. Last Monday I received my Ancestry DNA results.  Last Tuesday I interviewed to be Clinical Director at a Substance Abuse IOP program. Last Wednesday I lost my job as a therapist at a Psych Rehab program.

The program lost 60% of its funding and my position was eliminated. While losing the job is not surprising, dealing with the aftermath is quite traumatic for me on many levels. I hope that this gift of time will re-energize my drive to blog more. I certainly hope this will happen as I have so much to share here with all of you.

While I do plan to write in-depth separate articles on my genealogy findings and the loss of my job, today is not that day. I still have more inner work to do, including more meditation, prayer, and journaling. I am excited that my oldest friend from junior high/ high school is visiting from Texas tomorrow. This unexpected surprise is a welcome one, fortunately!

What  I mentioned today is just the tip of the iceberg. So many people are leaving and entering my life. So many choices and options are on the table. So much grieving and forgiving is necessary before I can truly move forward with confidence and sure-footedness.   I am actively working on integrating all this seismic activity internally.

In the meantime, if you desire a reading, please check out my services page. Or if you want to donate funds for the blog, contact me here.

I have never suggested donations from readers, but I realize that now is the perfect time to do so. If you want to support my writing and creative flow, I am happy to receive your generosity with gratitude. Learning to receive is one of my lessons and during times of financial uncertainty it is especially relevant to my evolution. While I have truly struggled with this decision, I believe it is the right one for now. Thanks in advance for any contributions on my behalf.

Finally, I want to leave with you a song as you contemplate tomorrow’s Saturn station. Up Where We Belong is the Grammy and Oscar-winning song from the film An Officer and a Gentleman starring Richard Gere and Debra Winger. Both the song and the movie emphasize Saturnian themes of achievement, seizing the moment, and overcoming obstacles. They are also both personal favorites of mine and have been since seeing the film for the first time as a college senior.

 

 

What does Saturn mean in terms of your evolution?

 

images counrtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain
wikipedia.org public domain

2017: Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning’s End

Here is a post that describes the spirit of renewal and moving forward. It definitely speaks to the promise of Easter and highlights my journey of April 2016, so it hits all the “retro” notes!

Wishing you a Happy Easter and Joyous Spring Season!

 

 

header image courtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain

litebeing chronicles

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Life is always in flux. While some forms are fading, others are blooming. The trick is to recognize which direction you are moving in and when to let go.

It is humbling to be nearing my fourth year of blogging and to be able to compose some thoughts about the year ahead and the year I lived through. The more I slow down, the easier it is for me to notice that existence has no clear demarcations. Astrologers love cycles and make mention of the significant planetary movements via stations, transits, and progressions. And yet, because of our cosmic fluency, we are perhaps more likely than most to acknowledge the fragility and malleability of time. Time and music marry well together and led me to use Closing Time in this post title.

To understand where I am today, it is necessary to return to April 2016. At the New…

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Goddess Sighting

Feeling the love or feeling the pinch?

I have been sitting on this post for some time now, waiting for an indication that I have received and integrated the significance of this Venus retrograde cycle. And yet I want to post before the cycle ends. So in the spirit of Libran compromise, I am writing midway into Venus’s backward motion through the signs of Aries and Pisces.

Here are the important dates:

Venus stationed retrograde on March 4th at 14 degrees Aries

Venus formed a conjunction with the Sun on March 25th

Venus re-enters Pisces on April 2nd

Venus stations direct on April 15th ( my mom’s birthday) at 26 degrees Pisces

Venus, the goddess of love, otherwise known as Aphrodite, is the ruler of both Libra and Taurus, so look to your 2nd and 7th houses in your natal chart, along with your Libra and Taurus placements ( in addition to your Venus placement), to get a sense of your Venus potential. For this cycle, look to where you have Aries and Pisces to track how Venus will affect your life at this time.

This go round has Venus re-activating my 2nd house of finances and values, with a brief re-appearance back in my 1st house of self.  Unexpected expenses have become overwhelming and clients are presenting with self-esteem issues, reflecting back to me my past inability to love myself before another.

all recent venus images wikipedia.org public domain

In my lifetime, this transit has been very powerful for my love life on two separate occasions. I went through a very fated and painful love affair in 1989 ( in my 12th house) that taught me much about being careful about what you wish for, because you might get it! I chose a charming, dangerously handsome Leo man and was more interested in “getting him” than learning about who really was behind the facade. Then in 2004 I met James when Venus was retrograding in my 4th house, conjoining my moon. This was about a mystical soul re-union. These transits are much more potent when significant angles and planets are involved. You will not be affected by all Venus retrogrades, nor will you even notice some of them. That’s how it goes.

While my expectations for this Venus cycle are low, the month beforehand was quite spectacular and unusual.

I typically do a short card reading ( tarot or other type of cards) with every lunation and significant astro-event.  For the Aquarius New Moon ( in 12th house) on 1-28-17 I used the Goddess Tarot and pulled the following cards:

 Recent past: King of Cups

 Present: Venus

 Near future: King of Staves

What is interesting is that I rarely get the Venus card when I read for myself. I found this to be noteworthy.  Since it was in my 12th house, I wondered if this may manifest as a connection with an old love. That did not happen, but what did occur was so much more exciting!

I awaken on the morning of 2-4-17 from an unusual dream. While sitting alone by a body of water I notice a tall woman with dark hair. She is quite striking and resembles a super – heroine.  She comes closer and I become frightened. She begins to attack me. Upon awakening, I notice her sitting on my bed. She is leaning over me and takes off her clothes. This makes me quite uncomfortable. Then she says ” I have a message for you. ” I ask her to tell me the message. I do not remember her answering me. Then I really wake up and wonder what just happened?

I meet that day with my Spiritual Director who is riveted by my experience. She tells me that the female I encountered was Venus and that the goddess of the air and sea typically appears naked! I was astounded to consider that I had a goddess sighting. This explains why I meet her by the water and why she took off her clothing.  She is convinced that I received a visitation and that Venus’s emergence could in fact be the message. This certainly gave me pause.

Certain songs came into my consciousness during this period. I used some of them with my clients to emphasize self-love. I have played many of them over and over to really embrace their essence and absorb the positive energy.

Please take a listen:

Video

Venus

I’m Every Woman

 

This final song really drives home the theme of this transit for me. Self-love is more than just respect and dignity towards one’s personality and body. It is about alignment and expression of the Divine that dwells within. If you listen very closely to the lyrics, the true meaning of this popular anthem will be revealed.

The Greatest Love of All

Please tell me about your Venus transit.

How has she appeared to you?

 

image credits ~ wikipedia.org, public domain

Ascension~ The Gift That Keeps on Giving

wikipedia.org public domain

This will be brief and to the point – This ascension stuff is real! Every time I try to deny the increase in my abilities, I fall short. Ascension is not what I think it is, according to what I read and hear, but that does not mean that many of us are experiencing a shift in our day-to-day 3D lives.

The weird symptoms I am experiencing this week have had me confused and alarmed. Others I talk to have felt them too: dizziness, light-headedness, chest pain, rapid heart beat, and more.  Are they kundalini manifestations or something else? This has happened to me before, in the early 2000s and more recently from 2015 till now ( intermittently). I have had several EKGs and they have been normal. My doctor said he does not think it is my heart.  I do not want to dwell on my ordeal, but am wondering if you are getting these also? Email me if you do and we can compare notes.

By the way, if you are enjoying the recent series of orchid header images displayed here, they are photos I took last month at Longwood Gardens, one of my power places. I plan to post more when the time is right.

Here is today’s version of  ” Expect the unexpected” :

Today is the anniversary of my father’s death, the day before Spring Equinox. I have been more aware of my clients’ struggles with loss than my own lately and have not been focusing on this date. So I am driving today, running errands, feeling tired and weak from the dizziness, etc and I notice a truck right in front of me. The bumper sticker on both sides says DAD. I could not make this up!

My motto is, if I post it, then it happened. That is my reason for writing today, to share my ups and downs, even as I wonder why I have to struggle so much. I do feel strangely comforted to know my dad is watching over me, hopefully from a more enlightened realm. The relationship was complicated and apparently still is. And yet, there is a point where all that is messy becomes blessed. Do you agree? Please reply because ~

I am listening….

 

image credit: wikipedia.org, public domain

Be Your Best

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As the world around us continues to spiral in unpredictable directions, what is a lightworker to do?

The solution is simple: be your best. What does best mean? Do what you can at any given moment and love yourself through it all. Love yourself when you lose your temper, make a mistake, or think unkind thoughts. Love yourself as you send light to a stranger, practice acts of random kindness, or elicit a smile in another.

Living on Earth has never been easy according to recorded and anecdotal history. Incarnating into human form is quite the experiment and the times we are entering are challenging and often daunting. But miracles and blessings abound in every heart and at every pass.

I enjoy the show Nashville and this season is one of my favorites. The emphasis is on character driven plots and the music making process. Country and bluegrass tunes are loaded with emotion, particularly tenderness and pain. So much beauty is distilled, resonating deeply in my soul. You just have to listen intently and it is all laid out there.

This tune has followed me since I first heard it on the season premiere. The Stella sisters resemble my nieces and are around the same age. Their voices are full of hope and promise.  Maybe it will delight and motivate you to live with love and purpose. The younger generations are counting on us to be our best so that they can inherit a New Earth.

By Lidija296 (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Happy 4th litebeing chronicles! ~ Fourever Yours

abundance.jpg welcome to my blog

Happy 4th birthday litebeing chronicles! Hundreds of posts, over 750 followers and counting and a glorious community that has been my lifeline, all began with the desire to speak my truth and a courageous intention to let everything fall into place as it may. And here we are!

I already published my new year’s blog, so today’s entry will be brief. I reviewed my very first post and realize that my goals are the same. My initial intention was – and still is, to share the “little things” that are not really little after-all, and let them speak, to give them a voice.

Here’s an example from yesterday :

I am facilitating a new group for younger, more recently diagnosed clients and it is just the three of us. I asked the others to share happy memories and some of their talents and gifts. The participants are hesitant to share as this is a new project and trust has to be developed. It turns out that one person was a comedy writer and the other a poet; one dreamed of being an actor and the other dreamed of being an actress. The three of us are writers in various stages of creative process across our lifespans. One participant spoke of  a mini breakthrough that occurred recently. He described it as ” a glimmer of light”.  I grinned to myself . We have something here.

A glimmer of lite. That’s all that is required to awaken. A flash of insight, a familiar melody, an unexpected encounter, a telling dream… This is why I write and why I continue to share, regardless of obstacles that continue to cross my path. That glimmer is sacred. It welcomes each and every one of us back to consciousness, to helps us find our way back home.

Thank you to readers both old and new. Please say hello and let me know you are here! It is wonderful to notice such an increase in new readers. Yet so few take the time to like or comment. I know our lives are busy, but if my words move you in any way, please let me know.

Here I have copied my very first blog, written on 1-11-13 for all of you to read. For many this will be an initial glimpse of my ” mission statement”. Since this is the fourth year and 4 signifies a foundation, I believe this article provides the grounding that led me to this point. 

Thanks again for all the love and support along the way. 

Fourever yours, litebeing

Hello world and welcome to my first blog. I have decided that since we survived the Mayan Apocalypse that I would chronicle my Divine encounters for 2013. The purpose of this project is to chronicle my ordinary experiences that are colored with that ” something extra”, the inexplicable sparkle that hints of the Source.

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I recently have begun to link my identity with litebeing because it accurately describes my current state of being. I have been on a spiritual quest most of my adult life and thought I had this journey thing nearly figured out. I have had some mind-blowing experiences with groups and individually, have been able to really tap into my intuition, and have been able to use these gifts in serving others as a therapist, social worker, and astrologer. Yet, I have recently become more awakened and as a result of this process discovered that I have only begun to glimpse the true nature of life on this planet. So I downgraded myself from a lightbeing to a litebeing.

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Joy of Life by Josephine Wall

I intend to blog weekly about my adventures living as a spiritual being having a human experience. However, the frequency will depend on how much there is to share. My goal is to share my stories so others will be able to take a closer look into their own ordinary encounters in a more conscious way. I plan to do so with humor, candor, and authenticity.  Above all, I aim to inspire.

Come along with me on this journey , share comments, and  let me know how its going for you.

Happy 2013!!!!

header image credit ~ By Lidija296 (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons 

2017: Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning’s End

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Life is always in flux. While some forms are fading, others are blooming. The trick is to recognize which direction you are moving in and when to let go.

It is humbling to be nearing my fourth year of blogging and to be able to compose some thoughts about the year ahead and the year I lived through. The more I slow down, the easier it is for me to notice that existence has no clear demarcations. Astrologers love cycles and make mention of the significant planetary movements via stations, transits, and progressions. And yet, because of our cosmic fluency, we are perhaps more likely than most to acknowledge the fragility and malleability of time. Time and music marry well together and led me to use Closing Time in this post title.

To understand where I am today, it is necessary to return to April 2016. At the New Aries moon conjunct Uranus on April 7th, I began to quietly look for jobs while feeling ill. In fact I saw my doctor that very day.  I was being treated for a possible diverticulitis attack on an outpatient basis, thank goodness. One by one calls for interviews slowly began streaming in. You know, when it rains it pours. This was right before the Mars retrograde at 9 degrees Sag on 4-17-16. The day before my first job interview ( April 14th) I felt ill. I went to the doctor that morning with chest pains. This has happened before. I was cleared and happy to report my gut was much improved. About an hour later I felt waves of nausea and what seemed to be a knife going through my reproductive organs. No fun at all.

I had a decision to make, a huge one. Do I continue to live walking on eggshells or do I start living again? I did something so unlike me: I got ready for my interview and drove over while in excruciating pain. I told myself I would power through this. I knew I was close to two hospitals and that whatever will happen, will happen. It was as if I reached the point of no return. I will live in this body or I will leave this body. I was through living on the sidelines. So I completed the interview and was amazed at my accomplishment. I felt worse as evening came and called myself an ambulance. I spent the night in the ER  and was released on April 15th.  The tests  found nothing wrong with me whatsoever. Yet my symptoms continued.  I was given opioids and anti-nausea meds and told to see my gynecologist to rule out fibroid issues. I was obsessed with not taking too many opioid pills. I think I was tuning into the Prince situation as he was hospitalized around the same time as me and died from an opioid overdose.  A few hours later a call came in for another interview. Two days later as Mars stationed retrograde ( close to my MC), I had a defining dream. It ushered in a sense of renewal regarding many aspects of my daily life. I blogged on it here as part of my challenge post.

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The interview call I received on April 15th turned into my current job. I still have this poster on my office wall. When I saw the poster, I became tearful. It was both so unexpected and so necessary. It is interesting that Mars, the ruler of Aries triggered my job search and eventually landing this position and also triggered my announcement of my transfer which begins on Monday. To some degree, the New Cap moon square Uranus direct in Aries signaled the new year cycle. Uranus is always change and Aries is the first sign on the zodiac. I was offered the transfer the day before the new moon and we made it official the next morning December 29th. The energy shifted for me that morning and I sensed more peace. While I am sad to see my friend move on, her decision to leave led to an opportunity for me to take her position. I will still have the same role, but with new clients and some new staff. With two of the new colleagues I have already built an easy, pleasant rapport. I also get to move my office to a more spacious and private location. I am hopeful it will be a more harmonious move on all fronts.

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I have some great news regarding my health. After working with Wendy the herbalist/nutritionist for about 6 months, we reran some blood tests to track my progress. My primary doctor was stunned to report that my sugar levels dramatically decreased and this was without any medications! He said the change was significant and had to be attributed to lifestyle change. All my liver function blood tests were normal too. I still have to work on the LDL cholesterol, but it  is very significant that I went from diabetic range to borderline normal range on the A1C. I typically don’t like to go into such details here, but I want to suggest that if I can make this work that others can do the same. I am taking probiotics, drinking  a special herb combination in tea form,  decreasing  refined carbs, and adding more bitter greens and whole grains, among other things. While I will stress there is more to do and that I have regained a few pounds, it is so cool to see that I am capable of effecting change.

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So the promise of April with a dream of accomplishment and improved health led me to now. While I still have a void inside that is palpable ( Saturn transiting natal Venus return), my life has really changed since 2016. I have a new job, a new car, and better functioning pancreas and liver ( I am speculating based on the labs). I believe that the action of going to that job interview sick as a dog was a way of transcending the material 3D plane and operating as if I was pure spirit. We still have no idea what caused those symptoms, but it may have been associated with the antibiotics I was taking at the time. Or not.

I am so grateful to be working after about 18 months of unemployment and find it ironic that I keep seeing my former supervisor and supervisees at the last few mental health trainings. It appears to be more of this intermingling of the past, present, and future that I frequently write about on these pages. Time is fleeting and infinite, slow and rapid, stagnant and effervescent. We humans feel the impulse to label and celebrate time as a matter of ritual.

So here’s to a sparkling 1-7-17 to all, with Mercury stationing direct tomorrow ( 1-8-17) and 1-11-17 following close behind.

Musings at the Crossroads

SPOILER ALERT: Lots of poinsettia and introspection ahead….

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Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah , Merry Yule, and Happy Kwanzaa (December 26) to everyone associated in any way with this blog. You are my circle, my precious litebeing family, and I wish you boundless joy and love during this Solstice/Yuletide season.

You may enjoy listening to some of my favorite holiday music as you read on:

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There is plenty on my mind that needs sorting and releasing. This hodgepodge style post is mostly for me, but hopefully it will be interesting enough to read through. Way way overdue, so here we go…

High-way hazards: My commute to work is reasonable in duration but part of the trip is on a notoriously treacherous road. Years ago Robert predicted I would be in a major accident on this road. He sternly told me to never use it again, especially during rush hour. Robert was not always accurate, but he managed to frighten me nevertheless. The drivers are very aggressive and reckless and it takes some construction of armor for me to make this daily commute. But the near misses have occurred in other locations. About 6 weeks ago I had a vision after awakening where a white pickup truck or SUV would come at my vehicle from the right. It was so vivid and strange because it was not a dream, but a semi-awake ” scene.” A few days later, driving home on a very familiar road, a white SUV comes at me from the right and almost slams into my car. I drove into the opposing lane, which fortunately was clear. I only had been driving my new car a couple of weeks at the most. Then last Sunday I am trying to get some coffee before heading to a holiday party. It was incredibly crowded in my neighborhood and the energy was frenetic. Another huge, high-end SUV almost slams into me from the left lane. I prepare for a head-on collision and slammed on the brakes. The vehicle just missed me but I felt like I was attacked. I got out of the car, examined my vehicle and walked up to the driver, an older, well-appointed woman. I told her to be especially careful driving such a large vehicle. She declared that she did not hit me and seemed indifferent.

I think this incident triggered my GI pains the next day, which I thought might be diverticulitis. I was in shock at the holiday party and a bit off at work the following day. On the drive home I felt like a creature was kicking me from inside my belly. I went to the doctor and was put on antibiotics. Was it stress related IBS or diverticulitis? Per usual, I have no clue. What I do know is that I hate driving in a world where people poorly manage massive vehicles, text, and make calls while operating them.

Blue-Christmas: I have always felt alien during this time of year and this has not really changed, regardless of any inner-evolution. While I marvel at all the lights, trees decked out to the nines, and poinsettia in every color and permutation, I don’t understand this holiday. I do understand it is borrowed from pagan traditions and correlates with the beginning of Winter ( the Capricorn season), but emotionally it doesn’t click. I just don’t get it. I am inside my bubble where none of the festivities are able to enchant me. Being at work just amplifies my isolation. It took awhile for me to put it together, but working outside the home triggers more sadness and angst and increases my desire to build up my defenses. I do not fit in at work and am actually considering applying for new jobs in the New Year.

I have also requested a transfer to my friend’s position after she leaves. It may signal a new beginning with different co-workers and a nicer office. I find it so interesting that when I begin a new venture I am immune initially to the characters that emerge on the scene. At this juncture, so many of them resemble people I have encountered before. With the exception of my clients, my life has not been impacted much by having these “new” people in my stratosphere. I am still grateful though to be working and earning money. It is just that I continue to find myself in toxic settings and am beginning to conclude that it is not me, it is the state of office politics. On the positive side of the ledger, my supervisor approved my plan to create a new group for the young and/or newly diagnosed. I am excited about building something original based on my passion for helping people get back to the business of living. I will keep you updated.

wikipedia.org public domain

Traditionettes: I just made up this new word to describe some of what I set up for this season on a regular basis. Since I do not celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, there is not much to do. However there are some elements that bring my comfort and peace in a small way. I would seek out eggnog every December until I became lactose intolerant. Boy do I miss that drink, a concoction that tastes like a boozy milkshake. Maybe I can find a lactose – free version.  I always listen to the Nutcracker either on CD or on TV. I have been fortunate to see it live at least once and it was spectacular. Speaking of nuts, I have not eaten any whole nuts since April 2015, but I do enjoy nut milks and nut butters, etc. I am very enamored with chestnuts, going back to enjoying marrons glacés over ice cream as a child. I found chestnut cream this week ~ pureed chestnuts with vanilla and sugar. It is addictive! Try it with ice cream or yogurt, dip chocolate in it, spread it on a baguette, or straight out of the jar!

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I usually purchase a poinsettia and place it on the dining room table. I enjoy experimenting with nuanced colors and patterns. They add a warm glow to any setting. This year I chose one with peachy leaves, resembling autumn foliage. This plant is not poisonous for pets and has such a storied history. Learn more about poinsettia here.

Fate and purpose: I continue to ponder who is driving this bus, meaning, who is the ” me ” that enjoys the Nutcracker and dips chocolate in puréed chestnuts? How or what is the source of my love affair with astrology and Indian cuisine? Where does my affinity for writing and obsession with pattern and color originate? Is it personality or Divine guidance, ego or Higher Self ? Joe Dispenza states that what we anticipate through intention or intuition is really what we are destined to have in our lives. We just get a sneak preview of what fate has in store for us. Matt Kahn says that everything is fated, but the degree of worthiness we attribute to our circumstances determines the outcome. So I ponder: if all is determined beforehand, why desire anything? What is the point? Who is doing the desiring anyway? Any thoughts on this?

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Rudolph’s friends: While listening to the end of Matt Kahn’s video yesterday, I noticed some movement in the backyard. At first I thought it was a dog, but I sensed much  more activity. I observed and counted at least 10 deer hanging out in broad daylight. A few of them were actually prancing around, which seemed novel to me. A stray cat emerged out of central casting, moving slowly and seemingly oblivious to all the deer activity. It truly was a whirlwind of activity! I am quite fond of deer and was happy to have them congregate near me, albeit briefly. So today I was gifted a free subscription to Carrie Hart’s power animal site and selected a power animal for the day. Guess who choose me? the buck! The central message for buck is grace, confidence, and renewal. This definitely seems fitting and the synchronicity between the deer sighting and choosing the buck adds more energy to the message. Perhaps this was a faint taste of holiday magic for me to savor.

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Last Christmas: While preparing this post, I was conjuring up memories of some of my favorite holiday songs. Some of these include Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses. BandAid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas, Do You Hear What I Hear?, Anything Nutcracker, Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song, Father Christmas by the Kinks, and George Michael’s Last Christmas. Most of these are pop songs by contemporary artists that I grew up with. They are touchstones that give me the illusion of safety and comfort. Just like the chestnut cream or eggnog, they are cozy and soothing. They also help me mark the passing of time. I just learned that George Michael passed away at age 53. I first heard his music when he was in Wham and I found his voice romantic and soulful. Many of his songs were part of the soundtrack of my early adulthood. He was so much more that a pretty face; his voice was gorgeous and his lyrics were incredibly moving. I do not know if he died today, but it was announced today, on Christmas. His song Last Christmas helped me gauge the passing of each year and the direction for the future. Call it ironic but one of his most iconic songs partially foretold his future. His life would end on Christmas, his last one.

chestnuts image courtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain