Can’t we all get along? This is a famous quote spoken by Rodney King whose brutal attack by police in 1992 sparked the Los Angeles Riots. Sometimes it seems little has changed, but I know better. As the Equinox approaches with the Sun entering Libra, thoughts of equality, justice, civility, relationship and harmony all weigh heavily on my heart.
There is light at the end of the pier, tunnel, and within all hearts. I consider myself a passionate person who has tempered some of this energy as I have matured. Yet my passion has been quite stirred on social media lately when it comes to the division around politics, COVID-19, belief systems, and the push to “take a side.” I have had to be more cautious on Facebook and even here on my beloved WP. I have lost some readers and followers because of my opinions. Have any of you experienced this too?
I work so hard to not react, or better yet, react with kindness and compassion. My opinions and beliefs continue to evolve and I think this is a good thing. What bothers me the most is the cruelty displayed online, especially by those who call themselves spiritual. So many of these beliefs and actions have a high stakes quality because decisions made can cost human life and affect the planet in so many negative ways. Life was so much simpler when I was a teenager or young adult and was so sure I knew everything, so full of myself, ha!
I hate having to worry about censoring myself around people I consider to be my friends. Sometimes I just avoid a post, Meme or comment and simply move on. I am not that interested in convincing anyone to take my side. I just feel such sadness about how many lives have been lost or hurt due to this cancerous division that has taken over our universe. Some choices are deadly and the intensity keps amping up.
As always, I look for guidance, usually within , through mindfulness, meditation, writing, walking and now- by practicing Reiki on myself and my environment. I know I cannot be hurt by anyone and that no-thing is truly personal. But it still can sting. So I am sharing another Lorie Ladd video that I found helpful.
While I do not adhere to all of Lorie’s belief systems, I know her heart. She is gentle, sincere, and real. She also does her best to welcome diversity of ideas within her community. This video explains her current take on the energies as guided by and through the Galactic Federation of Light. It is so interesting that I find so much diversity within the Spiritual community; never before have I witnessed such division and negativity. Let me know how you see this phenomenon in the comments. Can we agree to disagree without “cancelling each other” ? I hope so.
I wanted to post something today on the 19th anniversary of 9/11. I was born in New York City, currently live in Pennsylvania and have visited the DC area many times and have relatives who live not far from that region.
While I am more inclined now to think the whole event was an “inside job”, it does not lessen all the hate and trauma nurtured from then until now. Including all the carnage due to war and acts of violence arising from all this density. While it is human to struggle with difference and assign blame, we are all sparks of the divine. May we all see this truth sooner, rather than later.
This is the first installment of a series on identity. I would imagine that most people shift in identity many times within a lifespan. As my spiritual evolution continues to accelerate, my identity is dissolving once again. Yet, if I choose to live on Earth in a body, it is crucial that I remain tethered to some ego structures , aka personality.
Let’s focus today on race and ethnicity. As someone who was raised with two religious orientations always lurking in the background, I found myself quite confused. My mom grew up Roman Catholic and went to church regularly, yet she says she did not like this faith and happily went along with Judaism when she married my dad. She learned some Hebrew and became familiar with many of the customs and joined Jewish organizations. She did not have to convert because her…
Connect with your roots, align with Gaia, ground yourSelf deeper and deeper.
Here’s a quick piece on this week’s astro weather. Tonight Mars will go retrograde ( 28° Aries) at 6:22 pm EDT. Currently it is stationary but not for long! Then three days later on Saturday 9/12/20, Jupiter turns direct (17° Capricorn) at 8:41 pm. These two fireballs will surely make their intentions known. Mars is very happy in Aries and will continue to argue, act bossy, and remain angry as charting new territory will be thwarted. It is better to work with the internal flame that shows up rather than project it outwardly. The wildfires in the Western US are a glaring example of flames unleashed. One can only hope the retrograde motion will curb this horrific event. This is not a great time to take action, but it really depends on how transiting Mars hits your chart. If you feel like you have to “go for it” now, then do so! The universe may surprise you. Astro Forecasting is specifically tailored to the person so I am only speaking in general terms here. Not every event will be seen as fiery. For example, I rarely were seat belts while driving ( I do as a passenger though) and I felt led to get strapped in today. Nothing happened, but this can be a time of accidents and “rash events. ” I also was worried about a conflict arising at the grocery store, because I dislike this task, even more so in this Covid time. However, I had a lovely exchange with the cashier and left the store in better spirits than when I arrived. He asked me how I was and really cared, truly a delight. So I guess we know who was the lightworker in this instance! When he told me his mother shared my name, I smiled, seeing synchronicity at work yet again.
Jupiter is not a fan of being in Capricorn and trust me I know because I have this placement natally. It can bring blessings later in life and reward hard work and change. Jupiter rules my Midheaven and is the ruler of my Venus, that symbol of both finances and love. So this may bode well for me in my job search. You may feel a lighter load and more enthusiasm as Jupiter moves forward. Hard to say, because Mars is more powerful now. Mars will also be squaring the Big Boys of 2020 ( Jupiter Saturn and Pluto) during his retrodance so this ride will be bumpy at times.
Gratitude~ I practice gratitude daily and some cool happenings occurred yesterday and today. Yesterday this lovely feather was waiting for me on the stairs by my home. I really like the blue. I also had an odd dream last night. At the end a man was sitting at a computer screen with the night sky on it. The number 96 was at the top and 4 was at the bottom. I asked him about changing the numbers but he did not reply. It is unusual for numbers to be clearly seen during dreamtime.
I googled the digits today and found this:
Because the Lord is great and so worthy of praise. He is awesome beyond all other gods.
I chose the most optimistic version online. I would like to think this was a message for me to love myself and others more. We are God, afterall.
I have to admit, I am proud of myself as I had some nice surprises and wore seat belts like a grownup! I do not like restrictions which is why I rarely were them but it is crucial to honor one’s inner voice as much as we can. Keep yourself grounded and continue breathing through this energy laden week. Earth and air will temper the fire somewhat.
planetary images courtesy of wikipedia.org public domain
It all began with setting an intention to receive a symbol from Source. The other day ( was it yesterday?) I asked for a carriage. Today I was curious about viewing Barnes Takeout Art Talk on YouTube and chose the Glackens piece above because of the pastel colors and soft lines. Later on the video I noticed a horse drawn carriage on the upper left hand side. Yes! I exclaimed, here’s my sign!
Glackens was an impressionist painter from Philadelphia and a close friend of Albert Barnes. This piece is described as both an sketch and a painting and I am quite taken with it. The carriage is just a bonus.
When I examine my current take on my spiritual journey, I strive to bring it to down to basics. There is so much noise “out there” and my soul relies on simplicity and silence. Where do I stand on Ascension, QAnon, WayFair, The US presidential election, and so much more? How does any of this connect to finding a fulfilling job that I can see as part of my evolving career? I keep following the thread. I may be entertained by a belief system or teacher or pundit. Lord knows I spend so much time reading, viewing, listening ( via my new love Audible), and processing overwhelming amounts of data. I know that the limits of my senses will not give me answers, nor will my attachment to a particular teacher or personality outside of my self. It has to go deeper. It does not have to feel comfortable but it has to feel authentically true. That is the work of my higher self to reveal to my embodied human self.
I used to be so decisive but lately I work diligently to take in multiple points of view. It is no secret that we are failing as a people and that life does not have to be so hard for so many. That much I am sure of. The different terms and labels do not clarify anything for me. Words ( and as a writer I am fond of words) fall short of eliciting meaning from socio-political-psycho-spiritual constructs. They only add more fog to the mix.
So I am going to showcase a few more from the Glackens archives and keep following a thread until it leads me somewhere that pops in my soul. Until when the next thread arrives, and so on.
Let’s keep creating and supporting each other, irregardless of the temporary opinions we espouse at any given moment. If you are for love and hope and restoring light, we got this!
images courtesy of wikiart.org and the barnesfoundation.org
As Quakers will say ” This speaks to my condition.” I have had several nudges about embodiment of self and taking sole responsibility for my feelings and choices. This post clearly expresses embodied enlightenment. ❤
The other day at the cafe I asked my coffee buddy, who is a military vet, and suffers from PTSD, chronic arthritis, scoliosis, has a heart condition, and has to wear a catheter….a hypothetical question. If he was given a choice to have a completely upgraded body, through easy body replacement parts, perhaps with nanotechnology, and for free….would he do it?
UPDATE : Imagine my surprise to hear Obama’s historic speech warning about the possible end of the US democracy live from Phila’s Museum of the American Revolution. Was it really just back in March when I visited this sacred space during my short staycation?
This post is the sequel to my last post about free thinking and reprogramming the mind. This blog is not primarily political in nature but I do speak up when I have an opinion that connects with the evolution of our planet. I have a few opinions I want to share today. Let me preface this to say my goal is not changing anyone’s belief systems, but rather to share my truth at this time.
First, here’s a little background: While I grew up in a family with constant bickering, my parents actually did agree for the most part about politics. While my mom would never disclose who she voted for, I knew she and my father were liberal Democrats and never wavered. My father would say many people became Republican once they became affluent, but since that did not happen for us, no worries! I do not believe my political views were passed onto me by my parents. We agreed on very few things and my lifestyle is incredibly different from what was “expected of me. ” It is simply a surprise that my general political values did not stray far from the generation before me. However, my ideas continue to move further and further away from Democratic capitalism because I have come to see how our system in the US is slavery, thinly covered up with a veil of participatory representation. There are elections in autocratic governments around the world, but simply window dressing. I hope the New Earth we co create will make it possible for all people to live out their potential without the burden of working in jobs they hate in order to support the Military Industrial Complex and the players behind the scenes.
I was strongly encouraged to vote and my 18th birthday was the day before Election day so that next day my parents took me to the polling place. They did not tell me who to vote for but wanted to celebrate this rite of passage. Later in life my parents became poll workers. I do not take this right for granted and it came late to women (this is the 1oo year anniversary of the Suffrage movement although many women of color did not get to participate until much much later) in the US. I was deeply affected by Watergate and watched Nixon resign on television with my family while on vacation. I did watch some of the hearings while much of it was over my head. I had no illusions about corruption and power at a young age. I also paid attention to how I felt when I heard someone speak. I wanted to feel inspired but at the same time, I was no fool. I am still no fool and can read people like a book, my Scorpio super power 🙂
The interview with Tom Montalk was amazing and so chock full of information. Some of the premises I had heard before but his grasp of the concepts helped me integrate them with ease. I was not happy though to hear again this emphasis on the Left and Socialism being bad and part of the NWO. The soundbite is: Small Government = Good, Big Government = Bad. I am stating a oversimplification here, but many of the “woke” notions are way too simple.
I learned in school that the US was built on manifest destiny and rugged individualism but this morphed into an exploitation of the original Tea Party and Trickle Down economics. I remember all my student grants being taken away when Reagan assumed office and college became less affordable. And I knew there was more of this change to come. What I did not know was that this timeline was the beginning of the erosion of middle class America.
The online world is hyped with this notion of freedom, patriotism, and sovereignty. All sounds great, right? Yes, and this matrix we live in is mostly a fatalistic determined system. Watch Westworld and you will see what I mean. I am told by many that we choose our incarnation between lifetimes and yet there is no real time in the higher dimensions , but I digress…
My astrology knowledge leads me to conclude that a large percentage of our trajectory is decided for us, but that some free will is tolerated. Free will is typically exercised in reaction to pre-determined life events. We can go off script and many of us will continue to do so, at least part of the time. I am a lover of the ideal of freedom and not conventional. Yet I do not think one can be totally free in a 3D body in 2020.
But I go back again and again to what resonates for me. How do I feel when I watch a video or read an email or talk to someone face to face? What feels off and what feels good to me? These self inquiries are very important. I do not think Socialism is a dirty word and I also think that the far left and far right eventually end up at the same place, fascism and loss of agency. If Trump wins or refuses to leave, I am afraid my people will be sent back to the camps and elections will continue ” Putin and Castro style. ” I do not care if people agree with me or not, but he is effing out of his mind! How can I ignore my training as a therapist and ignore the obvious?
I do like the idea of basic protections for every human and will not apologize for it. I do not like so much of my tax money going to the military. I never understood the point of war and my leanings have not shifted. I rather more of my money be spent on education, health care, and protecting the environment. I welcome basic universal income but I do not think that translates into people not working. Having a purpose is part of the package and most people want to be productive. Most of human existence has been built on the backs of slaves, indentured servants, and the impoverished. It took me a little while to grasp how unfair it is that most humans have to spend most of their time working at jobs they hate just to feed their families and have a place to live. I thought that this was just how the world works. I figured it out eventually and began to see that we can create so much more if survival was a given, not a daily challenge. Most of us are still very much enslaved but are no longer labeled as such.
Democratic Socialism is a form of representative government where people have a say in shaping society and also have governmental support. As someone who has spent a few years off and on with a lack of secure employment, I know there is a better way. I would say that FDR is among my favorite leaders. I did a paper on the Depression in junior or senior high and learned about all the public works programs he initiated. ( I also wrote a paper on Watergate right after it was complete). Perhaps I was destined to study Social Work and formally become a Social Worker. I knew rather early on how I wanted to make the world a better place ( lightworker memories maybe?)
I am well aware there are elites in both political parties and that so so many of our “leaders” are puppets. Yet, there are some who cannot be swayed or bought and have moral integrity. I want to live in a world without homeless people, without uncontrolled addiction and mental illness, without school shootings, without racial and gender inequality. What many countries have right now is government surveillance, dependence on big tech and the uber billionaire class, and very little autonomy. I do not see why the “woke ” are not interested in helping the ill get free healthcare and the financially strapped get low cost access to higher education. Debt equals servitude and I know this all too well. I am not advocating a planetary government and think that would be a disaster. If greed was off the table, many more nations would be able to choose their own form of self governance. But greed is currently very much alive.
I hope this piece at the very least makes a case for softening the polarity between red and blue philosophy. I do not like getting government income but would be on the streets right now without it. I worked for City Government for close to 20 years and saw first hand how corrupt and manipulative it can be. Yet I enjoyed union protections and enjoyed generous raises and excellent medical benefits and vacation time. I also was gifted great opportunities while working there to assist fractured families and improve the quality of many excellent fully or partially – funded governmental programs like MANNA. I also was given the chance to go to school full time to obtain my MSS degree ( practically tuition – free) while working part time and still receive my entire salary and benefits. Like so many situations. with the bitter lies the sweet.
I know I am lucky to not have been born in Russia or some of the other places where my ancestors came from. As a Jew, I am a descendant of slaves and that data is encoded in my DNA. In fact, many thought leaders say all of humanity was manipulated numerous times by off – planet beings. This could very well be true, especially since we use so little of our brain capacity and regain so much of our violent tendencies. Most of us are enslaved in one form or another. Writing this article is one way I can become unshackled. I do not want to be boxed in. I am a lightworker and I do not think Trump is a savior. We must save ourselves! I wish this was not the case but I am afraid our rights will be further eroded if we do not get rid of this evil regime. My heart goes out to our brothers and sisters in Belarus who are actively fighting to dismantle their country’s police state. Trump wants the US to have the same set up by derailing our rights to vote through dismantling the USPS. I am not endorsing the Democratic alternative but I prefer vanilla to what we have now. Critical thinking means being willing to be unpopular in order to be cool with your soul. I am more than willing to do this. The answers will become clearer when people begin making assessments with their inner resonance. Tolerating difference is also essential, now more than ever. I guess my bottom line is that we must find a way to listen to each other and still retain our personal truths and unique energetic signatures.
Wishing you a lovely Sunday and peaceful week ahead.
This world keeps turning and I keep changing from the inside out. With plenty of time for soul searching, it occurred to me that I learned about disruption and reset very early and could be an expert in instability and impermanence. I would not recommend early childhood and adolescent trauma but I am grateful it did not morph into PTSD. But it might account for this why I tire so quickly of tasks and routines and yet sometimes crave tasks and routines? Ambivalence I have learned to befriend and it is a worthwhile alliance.
After much delay and indecision I finally exchanged my company laptop and keys for my personal belongings from work. At some point I realized that I did not want to return to my old office. I rather just get my stuff and be done with it. So I asked my manager if he would be willing to pick up 3 items for me and make the exchange in our neighborhood. He surprisingly agreed without hesitation. I had already written him an unsent letter, clearing out any crap between us. This is known in ascension speak as alchemizing the density into light. I would be lying if I said this was easy, but I am a therapist and I know how to do this.
Here was our conversation :
Him : Hi, put this down here pointing to the bench
Me : The keys are in the bag with the laptop
Him: I found something in the desk that might be yours so I brought it.
Me : What?
Me: I looked in the bag and all 3 items were there plus lavender vanilla cream, which was mine but I had deemed non-essential. Yes this is mine. D0 you have the gift card?
Him: Oh, I forgot. It is in my work bag.
Me : I just silently stared at his masked face with my own masked face.
Him: We could meet again?
Me : Thinking to myself ” Fuck no. ” Silence
Him: I could give you cash?
Him: He hands me a 10 dollar bill. It was a starbucks gift card.
Me: So now you can keep it for yourself. It isn’t about the money. It is about the principle.
Him : Take care
Me: I walk away.
It was all very civilized. He had awarded me a gift card at a staff meeting and never gave it to me. It was for five dollars so I made a profit, lol! Yes I took his money without any thought. He took my job away , laying me off because he could. It was like an awkward breakup when people come back to retrieve stuff left behind. I have been through this a time or two.
Just a few days later I saw that my former employer was advertising for my old job. This stung but I got over it rather quickly. I would never work for this company again with these current people at the helm. Another day or so later I “inadvertently” came upon an ad for an incredible job opportunity at an Ivy League University doing clinical work for a research project. This ” happy accident” occurred because I saw a job website email and wondered if my old job was listed. It wasn’t, but this very rare opportunity was listed. I felt inspired. I went outside and I saw a fat gold and white cat approach me, followed by a monarch butterfly and then a small cabbage white butterfly. The energy was shifting…..
The dance with darkness in most sectors of my life is determined by my natal chart. Pluto in the 7th is an aspect that I have become adept at navigating ( it is not near the Asc/Desc axis fortunately but it is conjunct my north node, summoning me to grow through major interpersonal excavations). What is much more treacherous for me is Pluto making a rather close square to my MC/IC axis, meaning my inner world, family, home, grounding and my vocation, professional life, reputation, work family ( not to mention both parental figures) are besieged by challenges of power struggles, manipulation, destruction, and reinvention. Good times? no! Clearly I ordered a complex life path from the All You Can Eat Cosmic buffet menu for this lifetime.
So when motivated , I dig deep and work on being my better self, remembering I am not here to hold onto blame, regrets, and old grievances. I know that to attract and acquire a safe healthy workplace with generally decent people I must embody all those qualities in myself and let go of all that does not match that vibration. We are all so much more than we “think” we are and even when we are not living small, there is still larger ways of being. I am not aiming for perfection as that is a trap. I am seeking balance, grace, and humility. And also a butterfly, a fat cat and miracles wherever they pop up.
What if it is really all okay ” underneath it all “, whether we enjoy, judge, understand, integrate, or resist the experience? About 30 years ago, a young man I was very smitten with, took me to one of his favorite bars. It was an awkward evening and my time with him proved to manifest plenty of awkward moments ahead. In any case, I found him to be wise and confident and took him waaay too seriously. But he said something in the bar in Upper Darby that still rings true now ( and oddly enough, I still remember it!) He simply told me, “life is here to experience. ” That sentence seemed a bit radical to me then, but not unpalatable or easily rejectable. We did not use words phrases like 3rd density or clear our fields but we were part of a group of friends who studied The Course and other spiritual teachings. I was down with his concept as long as I liked the experience. It is not designed that way.
I did not plan to write about that meeting in the bar. A lot more was said that evening, but that’s not fit for blogging! This story is included because I am working on relying more on my gut and intuition, using my intellect more as “backup. ”
This is my energy update and the forecast is stormy and humid with a chance of magick.
On previous layoffs, I have struggled with how to best spend my time. Often I was required to apply to jobs weekly as a condition to receive unemployment. This go-round there is no job search requirement. I look inside myself daily to determine what is meaningful, fun, and perhaps healing and/or geared towards awakening? I realize that this timeline we are in is so unusual and I want to use it well or have Source use me well. I hit a recent snag right after the Mercury station when my former manager asked me to come back to the office and hand in my keys and laptop. I became acutely aware of how much resentment I have accumulated towards him. This stems mostly from my disappointment that he was not the person I imagined him to be. This pattern often shows up when I compose a narrative around someone I hardly know and it turns out to be incorrect. I wanted him to be the creative, thoughtful, reflective person that I saw initially. He ended up treating me poorly and displayed anger, deceptive maneuvers, and condescension. I see my disappointment causing a strong aversion to meeting with him again. I do realize that my actions have also colored his interactions with me, but it still stings. I am considering writing a letter to him as a way to release my emotional baggage. This is a therapy technique I have used often in my work so I figure it can assist me in letting go of the past and accepting him and each moment as it is.
Almost 4 months into lockdown, my body has been suffering for most of it. Today I can report the “cold ” is improving, my toe hurts less, my skin inflammations are almost gone and my GI tract is rebounding from whatever happened yesterday. I wonder if I welcome illness to avoid responsibility or simply become unwell as my body works to rid itself of all the low frequency thought and experiences I take in? The answer could be neither or both, I do not know.
In any case, I am pleased to say this quarantine has not been just one extended sick day. I have noticed more lightness and laughter and have become more grateful for what I have and the people that I love.
I am also grateful that hydrangea grow outside my bedroom every other year. There is some regularly scheduled beauty in my world. Lovely hydrangea, there is a reason I choose you as my gravatar image.
Synchronicity Central ~ Friday I was getting breakfast at Dunkin and going there reminds me of life pre -COVID. On the way, I noticed a small green grasshopper/ cricket accompanying me on the passenger mirror! He looked just like the one from a couple weeks ago. I turn up the radio and enjoy cruising with this supercool companion! Later in the ride he migrates across the windshield. I did not have a chance to take a photo but he was similar to the cutie I found at the grocery store. While at the drive-through, I have a worry about catching Covid after the cashier is not wearing a mask and become anxious. After I leave Dunkin I turn the radio back on. An instrumental tune entitled Immunity begins playing! I am thinking ” wow, instant messaging, guide-style, yes! ”
Many talk about how it is more likely that our physical bodies move back and forth between 3D and 5D. I cannot speak for anyone else, but my ability to tap into Source has increased significantly during social distancing. Telepathy is more frequent and easily confirmed. The higher vibes usually occur when my mind is quiet and observant. Regular meditation via Headspace is one habit I intend to keep!
The bloom shown above is smiling. You will smile too if you read the announcements below. Please take a peek to get the latest scoop. Let me know how your energy is flowing?
Save yourself ~ If you are writing online, remember to save your work regularly. WordPress lately has this tendency to highlight and delete all my text. It happened again today while posting here and I did not save my work. I prayed for a solution and somehow autosave must have been operating, despite no indication of it under the Revisions section of the Editor.
Pay it Forward Deadline ~ I am enjoying reading for you and am glad to have a few more “in cue”. If you are still on the fence about getting a reading, decide by July 1, 2020. Please contact me here to book your free reading. Join the fun! Please contact me also if you want to write a Testimonial about a past or recent reading. The Testimonial page is getting a needed overhaul, waiting for new reviews. Thanks in advance for all the love and support!
Retro works ~ My intention during this Mercury retro season is to publish some posts “vacationing” in the drafts bin. I have been procrastinating writing anything complex and/or lengthy, waiting for my ideas to marinate. I see some of my material to be “timely” so I hope you can support me by encouraging me ( either actively or energetically) to bring this material out in the open.
I did not expect to return here so soon, but here I am with a recommendation. Last night through early morning was another dark period. I developed a headache, congestion and a cough. I went to a sad place with fears of COVID and annihilation. I slept restlessly, plagued with short, dramatic dreams and “visions” of souls on the astral? ( not certain.) I rested a good while in bed, telling myself I can sleep as long as I want. Why do I have this recurring worry that I have something important to do? Nowadays I have less to do than I have in a very long time.
Peace has come upon me once I took my temperature and noticed the cough has not escalated. I wonder if part of the reason I get symptoms so often is because of my empathic abilities. In any case, I feel less anxious and much more grounded. While still “unwell “, I am not catastrophizing. Rather, I am sitting with the peace.
Lorie Ladd is my latest go-to YouTube person. A few bloggers have posted about her and one of my offline teachers also follows her. I watched a video about her journey last night and I related to her strongly. I find her to be down to earth, enthusiastic, genuine, and nurturing. I just like her! After watching some of her videos, I noticed my confidence return. I felt like someone actually sees me now, without judgment. Perhaps her heartfelt message contributed to my reboot.
This video is her latest energy update. It is informative, straightforward, and delivered with grace. She is natural and vulnerable and I can tell that she really cares about waking us up. I do not guarantee you will agree with me, nor does that matter. I feel led to share her message and to thank my lovely blogging community.
Thank you all for doing what you do, be it poetry, painting, prose, photography, reblogging, or just speaking your truth in a unique way. We all make a difference and are stronger together. I do not always agree with every idea I read or hear, but I respect the intention to spread consciousness.
I really truly thought I knew myself better. I expected to weather this isolation period rather well. I am an introvert at heart, that loves lingering in books, with solitude and the old oak tree as a backdrop. I figured once the shock of my layoff wore off and my benefits were established, I would discover some joy within and thrive with all this newfound free time. Well, I was mistaken. The perpetual conflicts I encounter with others continue in my pursuit to receive the benefits I worked hard to acquire. I pay taxes and I have worked very hard over my lifetime, often in psychologically toxic workplaces. My last employer should change its name to Clusterfuck. Yup, I just wrote that sentence. Anyone still wonder why my blog is anonymous?
My health is now showing the delayed result of my anger and pain. I have skin eruptions on my face and hands. It is painful and feels like extreme sunburn. Anger often is a response to hurt. Yes, I do feel hurt. Along with grief, rage, sadness and some hatred. It is unclear anymore which is mine and which is of the collective. As an empath, it is a challenge for me to discern with accuracy. Let’s say some of this stuff is mine to own. I will give you a recent example. Many errors were made by my last employer regarding retirement and health insurance benefits. None of these errors benefited me. I have put in hours upon hours working to unravel the mess that was made in order to clean it up permanently. I had to change insurance providers and was due a refund. Finally, I was told a check was on its way to me. The amount was much smaller than what was owed to me. Apparently they subtracted some funds that were a “writeoff ” for unpaid premiums. This is the thing: I had a zero balance and owed nothing. The insurance company gave me the timeframe of several years ago and I was employed at that time. They say the employer owes them money so it was deducted from my refund. I lost my composure and blew up. And then I gave up.
Around this time George Floyd was assaulted by police and is allegedly dead and my city is now “on curfew”. First of all, I do not know if this murder happened and/or the riots are staged. What I do know is the world is broken and I am out of answers. I have started limiting my social media and tv news consumption. I have asked for dreamless sleep, but have been denied this request. I have to admit I have some hatred in my heart. I have to admit that my past trauma of being a victim of violence has come up again. Many have said that old stuff is coming back for integration during these times of “awakening”. I thought I had done enough self-examination to last 50 lifetimes. My life force seems to be weakening.
So I watch nature and work on preserving Spring Green. Then an advertisement for Quaker zoom worship at Pendle Hill caught my eye. Pendle Hill, one of my power places where I met James and found mystic openings at every corner? Yes, that’s the one. They are offering anyone the chance to join the staff in daily meeting for worship at the Barn via Zoom. I have not prayed this way in many many years and have not been to Pendle Hill in quite some time. Although much of the energy of this place had dissipated for me, I was curious about this opportunity. I joined the worship group this Saturday morning. There were many tech difficulties and it looked like there would be no service, but the team prevailed. Over 100 people from all over the planet prayed together in silence. In Quaker worship, words are spoken only when someone is moved by Spirit. An African American woman was moved to speak. She wondered how she could fight injustice without feeling hate. I instantly knew her words were meant for me. I listened and reflected and remained silent. A few others spoke and at the end the Pendle Hill staff facilitated sharing of blessings and challenges and prayers for others. Then everyone says “good morning” via Zoom. I felt a lightness and some inner peace that lasted a few hours. When I went outside my home and sensed the sounds and wonder of Pendle Hill’s campus. It is hard to explain how this works but it is as if the energy of the campus is transported to my neighboring surroundings.
I was able to climb out of my temporary placement in the abyss after attending this service. I needed to know that others are struggling with injustice and not always doing it “correctly”. I realize that my personal struggles are not race related but have more to do with financial insecurity, loss of dignity, loss of respect, and loss of power. It is easier not to fight, but is it proper? I do not think so. These days I still find myself trapped in quicksand, where the seemingly easiest tasks take forever to complete, or devolve into battles of will. Eclipse season is upon us and I do not have any answers, but I was able to display some Spring Green imagery and can seek shelter in morning prayer , at least one time.