Hello world, How are ya doing? I am stopping by with a shorter, more streamlined blog today. I want to simply report where I am now in terms of living with a pandemic. I do not feel like creating an elaborate, clever, article. Not today. Today I am just gonna keep it barebones and real.
I have noticed how much time I spend in fear and how easily triggered I have become. At first, I thought it had to do with developing IBS and later Diverticulitis, but actually, it started way before then. When you come from a home that is unstable and dysfunctional, you learn how to fend for yourself and you become “on alert.” While I do not think I have PTSD, I do see my tendency to slide into anxiety as default mode connected with repeated trauma. Self-work and therapy(ies) have made a difference but new triggers are a challenge.
Here are some highlights of today: Seeing my new unemployment balance online, but no deposit into my account. Being eligible for federal stimulus check but being told “status not available” on the new IRS payment portal. This is not a portal I want to float into! Getting a call from a life insurance company saying my benefits will be cut off but I could buy a new policy. Needing a mask and almost ordering one online ( until I discovered it was made in China.) My new health insurance provider emailed me to welcome me, in 2 weeks. Just 2 more weeks without health insurance. That thought was prominent for the past few days as I was severely ill and wondered what would happen if I needed emergency care. I am so grateful I feel better today. I have decided to stop figuring out what caused the symptoms. I know stress is at play and that is all I need to know.
I did feel more energized today and went out on a brief walk. I left my phone at home as I wanted to be more present. I saw many gorgeous springtime blooms and a few trees displaying that mellow light green hue that I adore.
Some readers know my love of birds and how a cardinal inspired a piece of poetry on Grace. On two occasions, April 10th and today, I have had cardinal visitations. While it is common for sparrows or robins to come by on my terrace, I cannot remember a cardinal coming over to visit me. If so, it would have been documented on my blog before now! Below are some quick shots from April 10th and then from this morning. Notice how cardinal energy is getting closer…
The first two shots were on the 10th and the rest were taken this morning. Many say cardinal energy is a connection with those who have departed and I do feel this is true for me. I cannot say who is visiting, but I am also seeing deceased relatives more in realtime. This brings me comfort as I feel more isolated after losing my work. I would tell my clients repeatedly how unpredictable life is and it is key to learn how to adapt without using. Boy, I had no idea just how unpredictable it could be. I lived through 9/11 and this feels like a creepier prolonged version.
A very lovely thought crossed my mind as I took my walk today. The sky was almost shimmering and I heard so many birds singing. This seemed unusual in the late afternoon. I looked up and felt that familiar peace I often had while staying at Pendle Hill. I have felt this wave of innocence come over me a few times since the social distancing/self- quarantine began. This feeling led me to sing a song that I also equate with Pendle Hill and peace.
Listen and may you also ride the wave of spirit before the cosmic separation: