This recent Mercury retrograde season has exacerbated inner boredom, frustration, and inaction. I did not expect this transit to impact me directly, but I am mistaken.
Case in point, my living room lamp blew out, again. This is the second time it involved breaking the light bulb, leaving the filament stuck inside the base. I could not safely fix this so I threw out the lamp. For as long as I have lived in this home, the wiring to this table lamp has been off. I wonder if the strange lights flickering is both a faulty connection and a way for the dead to contact me. At this point I would conclude it is a twofer.
Anyway, I drove out to the local shopping center to replace the lamp ( re always rules in retro season, remember?) At a quiet time of day, the traffic was ridiculous with much road work and some detours. It took me some time to figure out how to get into the shopping center. I remained calm and centered, that is, until I realized that the store has gone out of business. No other store in the complex was gone, just the one that sells lamps. I took care of my car and grabbed some lunch to prepare me for this shopping trip beforehand, all for nothing. Such a wasted trip over the course of a few hours. I am surprised how mild my reaction was, actually. I now can see that is because I have been walking in sludge for months now.
The next day I ventured out to a different location to buy a lamp. This is the location where my former office is located. I realize I have not worked there in over a year, but there is still some attachment. I had lunch at the same Panera, but it no longer sells bottled water or swiss cheese. Eating outside was both liberating and strange as the wind was blowing. I revisited the Whole Foods I once knew well and got lost while walking around. This excursion felt surreal to me, blending with past with the ever-present now. The home accessories store had very few lamps so I walked out without one. I did buy some other necessities, but the lack of light in my home is a problem. It leaves a void. A symbolic void, lack of light.
While my dream life is moving somewhere, my waking life feels so empty and wasteful. I keep encountering more losses and disappointments, all the while forging new connections with clients. It seems as if I was put here to just watch tv, buy food, do laundry, and work. I am grateful for work, but where is the joy? It seems I lack the “juice” to move this journey forward or even to accomplish seemingly simple tasks. This is not depression, it is something else.
Per usual, a great song title flashed in into my awareness while writing this post. The song’s theme is about lost love, but the lyrics can apply to one’s journey. I pray that I can find my way through. The monotony can be overwhelming at times.
photos courtesy of wikipedia.org, public domain