I have a habit of being rather snarky when I post about affairs of the heart. My cynicism is not lost on me. The truth is I have had my heart shattered more times than I can recount. I am not saying that I did not play a part in some of these scenarios. I also know there were times where I hurt someone. You know the saying it takes two to tango. I cannot say exactly when, but at some point I just was done.
Or so I thought. I was 40 when I met Rick. I thought I was old then. This is sooooo funny now! Anyway I was no longer on the market. I had decided that I do not have the skillset for relationships and to just leave it alone. I was fine in 2001. My life was good enough. There was little drama and I appreciated that. I was traveling again and involved in some really cool projects outside of work. Money was good and my future looked bright. My sister was pregnant with her first child and I was so excited to become an aunt. My progressed Ascendant was moving into a new sign and that seemed promising too.
Then September 11th happened and everything changed. We all went through a collective trauma here in the US. I was working part time as a therapist and was worried how I could guide them while I was struggling with fear. Then one day Rick shows up out of the blue at my cubicle asking my questions about my transfer. I had met him a few months back and it was not anything noteworthy. Apparently he told his work group that he knew me so he would find out why I was transferring to his team. True to form I was the only person in my department that asked for a transfer. If I am unhappy I will try to leave the situation, unlike many people who just suffer in silence. In any case I thought this was bold. Then just a week or two later I was visiting his floor and saw a birthday card at his cubicle. I knew he must be a Scorpio because my birthday was just last week. So I asked him about the card. I remember it as if it happened yesterday. When he told me the day of the week I was in shock. We had the same birthday! Then I watched his reaction, He seemed very happy to hear this news.
I know I have written about this before but I am on a different timeline now. The way this bond accelerated was unnerving. He was relentless in getting my attention. Let’s not forget he had a girlfriend who worked on his floor. Or the fact that then entire department could tell he was smitten. He visited me every day he was in the office and stayed for hours. He also showed up on days I was not working. Rick wouldn’t know subtle if it smacked him on the ass. It is refreshing but the man made his own bed here. I was not clear on the relationship status because I did not know his girlfriend. Nor did I discuss him with my current coworkers. it was a confusing time.
How did he win me over? For me the fact he was my birthday twin, really cute, and confident was plenty. However I remember one exchange that really impacted me. I was walking into the office and he was there beside me. I often brought a book with me because the workload was light. (BTW the song Rikki Don’t Lose That Number has started playing on Pandora ) . He smiled and asked me what I was reading. The book was Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss. I see the irony now but didn’t at the time. I think that is one of the sexiest questions a man can ask me. He wanted to understand my mind and my connection to Spirit. He wasn’t just about hooking up. He wanted to learn as much as he could about me. I see now that he was auditioning me for the role of his next wife. I am not suggesting this was conscious. His divorce really hurt him. I was in love with him at that point. I knew he loved me also.
Apparently I did not win the starring role. Neither did his girlfriend. I had already done his chart reading and saw all that crazy synastry. All this 8th house Scorpio stuff was intoxicating. But it was his fire energy made me just feel good. When he was done , he was done. He truly wimped out. Well I was not pleased.
I am not going to rehash what happened next. We both contributed to making a bad situation worse, but he broke my heart without any remorse. It took a long time for me to recover but I did recover. Not long after that I met James. James was put in my path to help me heal. He exuded unconditional love with consistency and made me feel very safe. I needed the comfort and care. He also helped open me up spiritually which led me to new ways of being. I also know that I helped make that happen.
It may seem like I am still angry. Today I am feeling the negativity. Although James was very helpful, Rick was the end of an era. I no longer wanted to participate in the game of love. Like I said, I did not make a conscious decision. I just stopped caring. This time I meant it. And that was that.
So here I am all these years later. Why do I feel so heartbroken? Maybe because he opted out of our Soul contract. Maybe because if I knew the outcome I would have walked away. There is a lot of weird synchronicity to the Rick saga that went on years after I quit my job. all the way to 2012. However it does not feel right to share this here. However the fact that I could not get him out of my life after physically quitting my job was frustrating. Every birthday the memories resurfaced. I think I will miss that this coming November.
I have tried to work with the grief by setting boundaries. I am deliberately removing myself from any distractions that will result in triggers. Yet the tears continue. I began to wonder if maybe there was another reason for all the crying. Yes some of it is the loss of Rick and Emily. But then there is the Kundalini that showed up quite recently. I learned that heart chakra openings can create extreme emotional releases. I want to emphasize that I did not attempt to activate my kundalini. This happened quite unexpectedly without any warning.
It was just last Sunday that this feather found me. I had recently asked for some distance from Rick. I even requested that my heart chakra close up just slightly. I could not process all the intensity. So of course once I stopped seeking, what I no longer sought moved in my direction. I do find feathers from time to time but it has been a few years since the last sighting. This gift helped restore some of my faith. I felt very much held by the Divine. This was balm for my soul.
I struggle with forgiving Rick fully. He really hurt me and most of it was deliberate. Yet he was just another human dealing with his unhealed pain. Is it fair for someone to abandon their contracts? I am tempted to say yes but I worry that I have also abandoned some myself. The difference is that I am not certain which contracts I broke. I also have no idea how many people I have hurt during this life or past lives. Rick was karmic without a doubt but that also means I was karmic for him. I like to think that he was my brother, not just a former lover or mate. I did not grow up with a brother and I know for a fact he was an incredible brother to his younger sibling.
I want to conclude by saying that I have been stepping up with my healing. It is important that I do not sink into despair. I also want to thank all of you for holding space. My writing has been transformed the last few weeks. It has become less measured, more raw. I hope that those who benefit get to read my musings and obtain some peace.
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