Hello dear readers,
I am writing tonight to share a bit more about my current journey. It is a unique chance to write about what it is like to be in the beginning pf a deep spiritual awakening. I was not blogging the last time I was in one. I have written about the Neptune transit to my Ascendant back in 2005. I did not know if I would experience something at that level again. I have been curious about ascension but still am not sure if this concept is accurate for humans at this time.
As I type these words, I notice my body is on fire. Imagine a full body hot flash that is not caused by hormonal fluctuations. Some of my somatic sensations harken back to perimenopause, others back to puberty/adolescence, and some are just in a league of their own. I am grateful that this new ” gift ” happened after menopause because that transition had left me familiar with heat sensations. Sometimes I still freak out about my new friend and constant sidekick Kundalini, but it is not like I do not have memories of hot flashes. In fact many women, including myself, continue to experience them after one’s period ceases permanently. I will probably directly address the K factor in a future post. I am not ready to go there yet.
The reason I titled this post Blinded from the Start is because I totally missed how this Uranus transit would play out. Nothing I read or heard even faintly resembles what I am going through. My initial intense awakening occurred at age 17 and coincided with Uranus conjunct my Sun and squaring my ascendant. I never saw that coming because spiritual awakening was not on my ” menu ” of options. This experience did not happen to my close friend who was also a Scorpio sun, but she had a different ascendant and perhaps a different life path. I believe that having Uranus as my chart ruler truly makes a difference but not everyone awakens. Also it is important to note that Uranus has hit my natal Venus. Midheaven and ascendant directly over the years and produced nothing of consequence. I guess this could be connected to this planet’s reputation as unpredictable.
I have changed so radically in such a short time. Some of my daily habits have faded away. My emotions seem like those expected from a teenage girl. Intense crying moves to singing loudly to resentment to wonder to clarity to determination to profound brief and back to ephemeral bliss. I am not the teenage girl of my youth. I am not smoking weed daily, crushing on boys and worried about college. I am a mature woman with an established career , creative outlets, wonderful friends, and tools for grounding and clarity.
But when I am not working I am crushing on a person who I should not even be interested in, who is not ” my type ” I am learning how to navigate complicated sudden grief for the first time. While the loss of my cats and my father were profound, the depth of sorrow I feel for Rick seems almost unmatched. It leaves less room for Emily and part of me resents that. Emily certainly was kinder, more reliable and treated me well. I will expand more in this later in the post.
The psychic expansion is fun, except when it is not. I am even better at pattern recognition, hearing my intuition, and sensing when to change course in daily life. However the flashes I sometimes experience take their toll on my nervous system and the insomnia worsens the outcome.
For example something weird happened today while watching my favorite soap opera. I have been watching it since I was a teen actually. One of the main characters Nick is undergoing a transformation. He had a car accident which led him to take pain meds. this progressed to fentanyl. I know about this journey from working in Addictions. A few years ago my brother in law’s niece died as a result of an opiate overdose. This tragedy prompted me to switch careers for a time and work at several Addiction programs. Only a short time before that I acquired diverticulitis and became acquainted with opiates while hospitalized. I still recall the first time I was given Dilaudid. I discovered that I could fall in love with it. I began to ask for it specifically when hospitalized a few more times. I also knew this could be a problem and stopped taking them upon discharge. I also was more cautious about usage at future hospital stays, especially after Prince died from an overdose. I could so be an addict. I have the chart for one but not the temperament if that makes sense. In any case, my affection for this drug was helpful as I started working with those in recovery. At that time the majority of people at rehab, IOP, and outpatient used opioids.
So today I am watching Nick hit bottom and call his ex wife to take him back to rehab after watching his female companion almost die from an overdose. I was immediately triggered. I get an epiphany: Nick was the name of my client who died. I began to cry deeply and find his birth chart. I did not have birthtime but composed a chart based on other data. I was very fond of Nick and remember him well.
Nick was my first patient who had partial status. This meant he lived elsewhere and attended rehab during the day. He had been recently released from a different inpatient facility. Nick was a character. He was a young mand in his mid twenties with a killer smile and a lot of attitude. He requested to bring The Power of Now to our sessions. Because of his status, he met with me twice a week for individual therapy in addition to my groups. We spent more time together as a result. Interestingly enough, there was a former client at my last job that also requested using this same book during sessions. As a seeker I relished the chance to do spiritual healing as part of my daily clinical work. Nick was very intelligent and charming. He planned to be a marine biologist and studied in Florida. He was often resistant and cocky. I worked with mostly young men and it was quite a trip. The way they spoke about women and relationships was eye opening and disturbing. I could not get Nick’s family to come in to see me nor could I get them to support Nick in the ways I thought he needed. He often tried to manipulate me but rarely succeeded. By the time he graduated I became quite fond of him. I had hoped he was following his discharge plan as I focused on my current caseload. At some point during June of that year I learned of two deaths of my former clients. Both were young men and Nick was one of them I was actual close with both of them and was hopeful about there success. This was also around the time that Anthony Bourdain killed himself.
I reviewed Nick’s chart today to take a closer look. I noticed so much synastry, His Venus and Saturn were right on my Ascendant. His sun was conjunct my Jupiter. Both of us have Mars in Cancer just a few degrees apart. But the kicker was the nodes. I have a Moon Venus opposition in viery close orb of just 2 degrees. His North node was exactly on my moon and His South node was 2 degrees apart from my Venus. Just 2 degrees. Both nodal synastry placements signify deep emotional past life resonance. South nose to Venus usually indicates a past life love. I worked my ass off to save him and I felt like a failure when I realized that I failed. I felt responsible and I wonder if this is a repeat of another incarnation. The nodal contacts can invite the questions ” Why do I care so much? Why am I so invested? Why can’t I let go? Why is the bond so natural? Why does it feel fated? ”
It is also not lost on me that the name Nick rhymes with Rick. Rick and I also had nodal contacts. I may address this separately at a later date. However it reminds me of how strong ties can elicit so much heartache and pain. I only knew Nick a short time. I believe my role was to help him heal. While I realize now that it was his choice whether he wanted to heal, not mine or anyone else for that matter. It drives the point home that we may never know exactly why some people show up and the game immediately changes. I wonder if he has returned to Earth. I wonder if he ever sought to be my healer. It is alos not lost on me that yesterday I met for first time in person with a young client of mine. We have been working together close to five years and I see her as my Mini Me. When we hugged she held on so tight. I could feel that she was having a recognition. She and I have reversed nodal placements, about 3 degrees apart.
During this awakening I am rediscovering many soul connections. just like Nick and my current client, Emily and Rick and I also have Venus Node conjunctions. Things got even weirder just a few days ago. I was telling someone who I see these 2 as linked together and not just because I learned of there passing around the same time. ( within 2 weeks ). Little did I know what would come next. I was invited to a memorial service for Emily. I even got a direct message from a close friend of her’s personally inviting me to the celebration of life. I became quite upset when I read the invite. The event is bein held in the very same town where Rick lived at the end of his life, out in the PA suburbs near Delaware. Not only that, his funeral was held in the very same town. Per usual lately, I told myself this was crazy. Now I am not sure I want to attend. I currently feel unprepared for many of the situations and decisions I need to face. I have felt so confused about how to honor both of these people. It is so overwhelming at times. I do not want them to blend together. They were distinct people with different places in my heart. I worry that I cannot focus enough on Emily. I knew she might pass from Cancer. I never saw Rick’s death coming. And here we are back to the beginning.
Blinded from the start.
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