First I want to thank everyone for hanging out with me these past few months. I have really been needing to process many difficult life events all at once. My current content is different and may seem indulgent. Writing can be another form of therapy for me because whatever I write here is shared with you. I am not simply alone with my thoughts.
I am in the midst of a spiritual awakening . This one is different somehow but I recognize that I would probably feel the same way if asked about those previous timelines. That is the point of awakening. It is exciting, stormy, and shocking. So please hang in there. Comments are so appreciated , especially at this tender time.
Tonight’s topic is the results of my 4 Loves Tour. I declared after Rick passed that I loved 4 men deeply in the life. I decided that I was committed to cleaning up whatever mess remains. I did not want to be left with any more regrets. While they are other people I dated who are active on Facebook, my goal was to connect with the three true loved that still walk this planet.
1 James
James and I were recently in touch so I did not really see the need. And yet quite recently a situation emerged that led us to chat again. he revealed that his business was in trouble. I forwarded the GoFundMe post on his behalf. He saw it thanked me. Later I messaged him to see if there was anything else I could do. He was very sweet and went on to thank me for my love and support since we met. He then shared some memories he had of me and his wishes for my future. I am going to confess that as time moved on and we occasionally chatted on social media that I was not sure he remembered me. He is kind to everyone and James has lived hundreds of lifetimes and has had numerous transcendent experiences with countless sous since we last saw each other. Yet it was crystal clear that he knew exactly who I was and what we shared. My heart was full and I really needed that moment after all.
2 College Boyfriend
I am not naming him because I am not sure how he would feel. Sometimes I am surprised to learn who has read this blog so I will respect his privacy. Contacting him was not scary but there were a few things that I did need to clean up. The conversation was lengthy and he intuited that I might be ill. We were telepathic when we were a couple so I should not be surprised. I did not want to worry him so I just focused on the loss of Rick as my motivation for the chat. This exchange was very fruitful. We both learned some things that were swept away for decades. We both told each other that we loved each other. He really is a good guy and this was very healing.
3 Love of My Life aka LOML
While Rick certainly was a contender for this title, the man I met in my mid twenties was the ONE. The reason I know this is because I was frightened to approach him. I was never tempted to contact him on Facebook before. However I did not want him ti pass with so much left unsaid. I left a long message and waited. There was no response. I thought perhaps he did not open messages from those who were not FB friends. I sat with this for awhile Then I decided to extend a friend request. this was tricky because I do not use my full name on Facebook. A few days later he accepted the request. So I messaged him again. He did not respond. I was baffled. why would he accept the invite and not read the chat?
Then it got weirder.
My ex apparently considers himself a spiritual teacher. This shouldn’t bother me but on some level it does. In any case he added my name to this private messenger chat with his inner circle. I knew some of his family members were included. He began sending memes and posts about his faith. I do not share his faith and he knows that. I also reverted to my full name on Facebook because I wanted him to know my identity for certain. So several times I week I would get these images and posts about God and love and faith, etc. But he never even read my personal posts to him. This was getting way to strange. I never wanted to blend him into my current life. I just wanted to speak my truth which he refuses to hear.
First I unfriended him. Then ( synch alert, One of his favorite songs about me is playing on Pandora as I type, wonders never cease. ) I attempted to remove myself from this group chat. It did not work. I tried different methods but I was still getting messages and images. Yesterday I reached my limit. I commented on a public post on his page and asked him to delete me from the group. I explained my efforts and asked him to handle it.
What did I learn? First I relearned some past truths. Not all great loves are soulmates. Many past loves are karmic. Of the 5 loves, one was a soulmate and that was James. We were not romantic and his love was unconditional. The other three were karmic mates to varying degrees. It was very healing to connect again with my college boyfriend. I have written about him in earlier years on the blog. Yes it was karmic but I do not regret our bond. James is James and I must have done something right for him to enter my life. Makes me wonder what I did to the others!
Secondly, when one goes on a quest, the path is unknown. I did my best but ended up really pissed of with LOML. He was forever infuriating but one of the best teachers about love. I am glad he found god again and has become a healer like me. IN fact 2 of the 4 are therapists and James is a Yogi and spiritual teacher. Rick was a Social Worker and part time Magician. All of these guys do reflect my light in their own way.
Thirdly, of the 3 love interests, two of the three were extremely Plutonian. Both have more Pluto, Scorpio, Mars, and/or 8th house activity than I do. One was Rick, who I know would never accept a friend request from me. If the shoe was on the other foot and he was still alive he would not have been receptive. I do not know this for a fact, but it is quite likely to be true. LOML reacted very strangely and I am left confused on many levels. It is ironic that once I reengage with him he won ‘t let go. This seems to be part of the push pull dance we have done since first meeting back in 1987. Reconnecting him only served to bring up more emotions and left me now with additional questions. It is time to cut the cord.
I do enjoy the mirroring of the Scorpio within me. It makes me feel more seen and and more alive. So what do I do but find myself drawn to another Scorpio man. This was never my intention but Fate intervened. I was not doing relationships anymore. Every time I do get involved I recall why I became so jaded. My anger and other dark emotions have reemerged. I wonder if I am capable of evolving further. Time will tell.
So the tour is over for now. I must say that I have been stepping up, anger and all. It took courage to be so vulnerable with these guys who had part of my heart. I wanted to spare them and myself from the pain of regret. It is the least I could do.
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