It has been a long time coming. For me, to face myself and my existence. I have lived in my home for a little over one year. It went quickly for the most part. That is, except when time seems to be on pause indefinitely. I had such strong, clear dreams for this new location and the year ahead. I was very optimistic, especially since I was aware of my fear of preparing to move and then actually going through with it. I felt very proud of myself for persevering and was looking for a shift in energy. Turned out I was sicker more frequently than before. Not what I was wishing for.
So here we are. I have made no connections with any of my neighbors. This is mostly because I do not see them and living in this type of building does not promote closeness. My inherent introversion has guided most of my decisions. I have not gone to the pool or gym yet. Not even once! While I see that as an older person, I have little desire to lay in the sun for hours or swim in a pool filled with lots of people and young children. I do still want to work out but my health has made this difficult. I find myself often disappointed by my inability to move faster than I can move. But today I feel okay in the GI area. I have felt okay for about 3 days. I will take it!
Lately I have been repeating the mantra ” I am healing ” . I borrowed it from a testimonial Dr. Joe video. I like it because it is simple. Lately I prefer simple. Simple and reliable, even better. I have the tools, but I fear I am drifting into depression. Maybe I am already there. Chronic illness and worry can take one there. The astrology for me has been dismal. Saturn tr the 1st house, Pluto tr the 12th, and the Uranus square Uranus cycle. For me, wherever Uranus is, Chiron is opposing it. This is generational with no ability to “opt out “. On some level it could be transformative. At this moment, I do not know or actually care. The Pluto and Saturn transits are quite slow for 2 reasons. My first house is quite large so any planet that visits will settle in for the long haul . ( Neptune has been on my 1st house couch since 2005 ). Secondly, Saturn and Pluto take their time. Pluto takes much longer, but the good news is that it never makes the entire trip around my chart. I appreciate that it will not hit my IC or become conjunct my moon. These transits are designed to be slow and I continue to do my best.
I have had to adjust to some major losses regarding Astrology. My Astro group, which has been together since 2012?, has dissolved. I have been a part of several local groups and many do shift and morph. This situation was particularly dark in nature. So dark that I am not going to share the details. The silver lining is that monthly dinners among those interested are still a thing. What I miss most are the new speakers and workshops and influx of new people. I am grateful that I can take a lecture online and have done so often. But it is not a substitute for in person connection. Many in the leader/mentor class or either dying or declining. I find this tragic and difficult to face. On top of this the Mountain Astrologer Magazine will be folding by year’s end. While not surprised, I did not see this coming. TMA has been a game changer for many. I often considered writing for them myself. Many of my friends have written for them regularly. Finding a copy in my mailbox had been a highlight for more years than I can recall. It has become a mainstay. While it has not been consistent in quality lately, it was better than nothing. Not a ringing endorsement, but still the promise of a good article here and there. With this being a presidential election year, these losses are particularly challenging. Again, grateful for Youtube and online resources. I have astro friends I can still talk shop with, here on WP and elsewhere. Gratitude is what keeps me afloat.
Then there is the Jewish thing. I have been exploring my roots more fully the past 3 years or so. I joined a synagogue about 2 years ago. Recently I began connecting with a new spiritual director who is Jewish. I still feel unsettled. I want to belong somewhere and feel I am more at home ” nowhere “. Not speaking Hebrew is a major restriction and I have zero interest in learning. My Quaker experience was soooooo easy, almost weirdly easy. As if people were just waiting years for me to show up. My eyes are tearing as I recall that journey. Most likely there were several past life connections with these folks, There would have been no creative blossoming or no James without my Quaker journey. But it needed to end and it did. I did not expect to join a new community and if I did , it would have been any group other that the faith I was raised in. While I still find aspects of it inspiring, this choice isn’t home yet. Just like my living space is not home yet. I do not regret either choice ( moving here or exploring my faith with fresh eyes ) but I prefer easy to hard. It seems the longer I live on this planet, the harder my life has become. If the problem is me, I am willing to fix it. While guidance is still available, it is not usually informative. I get daily synchronicities with words and images and I do not think much of them. They rarely have a clear message. I seek guidance that I can actually use. I will keep seeking, keep being grateful. I know depression can leave. It has come and gone in me many times before. I realize my time in this body is short. I hope I am using it wisely. I will keep on keeping on.
litebeing chronicles 
It’s not easy to speak out about discomfort and isolation and I commend you for doing so. I, like Sue, care and want you to look after yourself. Are there any art museums near you? Would maybe one of your friends like to hang out at your new house and have some tea outside while it’s still warm? Maybe neighbors will sense the inviting energy. I know that some things are as they are. Sometimes advice is definitely not what we want. So that’s why these are only questions, and spitballing. I often don’t like advice unsolicited! I find that people really don’t know what it’s like from the outside looking in. The truth in that, “the naked truth” -to use your words- is that we are in our little worlds, even those in relationships and families.
Loneliness can strike anyone at any time. I find inner fulfillment to be the key because, even having lots of people in your life, even really lovely people, doesn’t supplant that need for balance and that rich, inner life. The rich inner life is the only thing that fulfills. So it’s all in balance.
Years ago, I struck up a romance with myself and read all sorts of Rumi, and Hafiz. I felt those poets really helped me get to the kernel of connection within me. They helped me return the magic in my step. Eventually the outer world followed suit. However it was never permanent. I still have to use my “go tos” to engender the spark inside me, either to persevere through health, or family challenges, or to even just embrace the magic that is my short-lived experience on this planet. 🌎
I commend your efforts and know that you have the universe inviting you into a deeper connection within.
Sending love and a gentle hug!
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Thank you Ka for those heartfelt and personal words. While receiving advice is not usually my preference, I remain open that someone might offer up something that is in Divine timing, meaning the Universe contacted me through the person. Primarily I want to be seen and at least partially understood. How well do me know anyone, especially ourselves, really?
I am a fan of Rumi and Hafiz and have a couple books with their poetry. Inner knowingness is important to me. I choose sometimes to post vulnerably here in hope that it also helps others in some way. I am rather private at the core, but sometimes it feels freeing to write out my emotions and release them outwardly.
Much love to you ❤
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Thank you, Linda, being on your own too. It can’t be nice either, which all adds pressure. Please look after yourself Linda, yes, I do care. We’ve been blogging friends a long while.
Even though we both don’t blog as often as we used to.
And I know pain management can be difficult.
Lee Harris, I also resonate with.
There are many energy shifts which are affecting us all in one form or another, be it health issues or emotional.
Sending you well wishes ❤️ and much ❤️ love. 💕🙏
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I am sorry Linda you find yourself in this space of no connection as it seems ties are being broken left right and centre..
Maybe the answer is not in seeking out others or belonging to this or that group, but maybe it is asking you to accept who you are ..
A beautiful soul in her own right. Who has a lot to offer… If she is willing to meet others half way.. ( like meeting your neighbours ) for instance…
While I know well the depths of depression, and how it can take us deeper into those doubts and insecurities as we question ourselves and our environment…
I feel from reading your words here, it is as if you are cutting yourself off from others, so the universe too is reacting in cutting cords too.. As you find everything you loved and enjoyed coming to a close..
As doors close… Is not the Universe offering you a chance to open others to walk through?
Maybe you should join the gym or swim, when your health allows it and meet and greet more of your neighbours.. 🙂
A year is a long while it seems that you have spent searching, yet still feel alone in your new home….
What plans did you have, what dreams have you… We have to at times be pushed out of our comfort zone in order to manifest them.. Maybe that is what the Universe is doing right now as these various groups and magazines you enjoyed close down.. The universe is perhaps inviting you to investigate other groups, other activities…
Now I am only on the outside looking in and reading your words and between the lines here Linda.. So tell me to go take a hike.. I will not mind.. 🙂 I have just had a friend of many years give me the silent treatment, cutting me off, because I guess she didn’t want to hear what was going on in England… I was spoiling her own reality on the world..
These things often happen to shake us in different directions…
Sometimes the world does not always want to come to us.. We have to go to it and make things happen… And what we focus upon is what the universe brings to us..
I know you know this, And maybe because of your ill health you have felt isolated… I just feel reading your words here Linda, that you would welcome company.
I hope your health continues to improve, and that is a great mantra…
I am healthy and whole.. is one of mine..
Sending lots of love… and I hope you do not take offence of my straight talking…. Lots of Hugs and Much love Linda.. ❤ xx Sue ❤
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Thanks Sue for your caring commentary. I am not offended and recognize we both are opinionated people! Having a recurrent serious illness has shaped some of my coping skills. I do not often have the energy or tolerance when I am feeling fatigued or in a lot of pain. Some medications have side effects that interfere with being in the sun, operating machinery, etc. You must already know all this. If not, I am stating it now. I have begun to get involved in some novel ways. I am open to seeing how they work out. Lee Harris in his September Energy Update gave some messages that support these types of openings.
I am grateful that you really care and am fortunate to call you my friend. I take your words seriously and will follow whatever resonates… Linda ❤
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