Happy Libra New moon! I am not certain how it will fare but wish everyone the very best.
The photo above is from my daily desk calendar. When I read it I had to laugh. It seems that the die has been cast. But I am never truly sure with this person. On Thursday I discovered that Maurice unfriended me on Facebook. He did not tell me, I just saw the add Friend notification by his profile. It immediately felt like a break up. Many do not believe there ever was a relationship to begin with. My heart was shattered and I am responding to my heart. I will confess that I was planning on doing the very same thing. I planned to wait until Venus went direct. On some level it is a relief. I was uncomfortable for him having access to my posts. And yet, I feel he still has access to my thoughts and that I have access to his. Again, no tangible proof, just intuition.
Did he take this action because something I wrote triggered him? Did he just decide there was no point for him to stay connected? It is not like he is sharing anything directly with me. He prefers to take impulsive actions that easily trigger me. I would like to think this action means that I still matter to him but it may have nothing to do with that.
Back to the calendar photo: My desperate need for love is real but I was not in that headspace until I met this person. I keep looping back to this notion that I do not require or need romance. I basically suck at it so why try? Yet, I am not really that person anymore. I do still have something to offer and may be more ready now than in years prior. But I also am re – experiencing the old Rick dynamic all those years ago. When he was done with me it felt impulsive and careless. I was devastated and became enraged. I made some poor decisions and was not happy with myself. I also invited more Karma into my life.
I will not let history repeat itself. I am working on self restraint. This is a challenge. Yet I do not want to contribute to lowering my vibration. On the other hand, regardless of the actual status of our connection, Maurice truly mistreated me in a number of ways and eventually will have to address it. The only way to avoid potential karma in general is to avoid people. I just assumed the karmic partner parade was over. Every so often a man shows up that I was not pursuing. Rick came for me. Maurice and I did not sign up for this drama. I think Spirit placed us together. I do have plenty of regrets about most of this. However man have I learned some lessons and some ugly truths about my shadows.
One truth I will share here. I have had a strong impression that many people see me as weak and gullible. I am referring to both men and women ( all genders but I do not have any non- binary folks in my personal life at present. ) Some see me as Neptunian, spacy, and easy to manipulate. I beg to differ. Ask my family about me and they will be happy to tell you about my shadows. I am not someone to mess with. People truly underestimate me it seems. My clients see me as powerful but most others see me as a mark.
I wish I was wrong about this. I am not speaking about this community. I am speaking about scores of people over the course of my life. Some folks were jealous while others just wanted to use me for a variety of purposes. It is so refreshing when someone approaches me with a pure heart. I think of Joel and Dave and a few others. People who just wanted to be in my life and enjoy the connection. I find it strange that anyone would ever want something I possess. This has been an incredibly challenging incarnation. Have you read my blog lol ? Where is the source of the envy. Is it my enormous fortune, incredible health, or my childhood baggage? I simply do not get it but here we are. By declaring it I am owning it. Perfect for this lunation as well.
I realize I need to keep paying attention and keep setting boundaries. It humbles me to realize that many still do not wish me well. Maurice may be part of the cohort. I will take some responsibility as sometimes I allow people to get away with stuff. I will do better. Maurice told me I need to take all my power back. Well I am working on it!
I do not want to regress but I need to feel the hurt and the rejection. I am not going to chase him. He should be so lucky but I have been off that train for years. I do not think this whole situationship is just a product of my imagination but I cannot identify one person who takes me seriously. Yet the Joel experience was more unlikely that this one and I don’t get any commentary on that. I questioned myself about Joel for quite a while. I assumed it was one sided. That was until he shared his feelings directly with me. What a concept? Especially from such a Neptunian man. I must let go and see if love finds me. Love that is healthy, balanced, and based in truth.
Bottom line, at some point clarity will be mine. It just might not arrive until I leave this 3D life. One other loose end: A while back I emailed some blog links to Maurice when we were on better terms. I wanted him to weigh in, especially because he was so encouraging about my writing. I do not know if he ever read anything. I would imagine if he had, he would have unfriended me immediately. If he decides at some point to show up here, I guess that will be his problem. I stand behind everything I write and I am tired of looking over my shoulder. I can only invest in my future and be the kind of person that someone would want to be in relationship with. Today I asked myself would I want to date me. I was considering how I keep bringing in Plutonic, Neptunian, Mercury men. The charts don’t lie. So what would it be like to see me objectively? How much if a hot mess am I ? What qualities of mine are lovable? I know I am not boring and some people appreciate my honesty and catalyst energy. I am not soliciting feedback by the way. My inquiry is rhetorical. Someone said they would not want to be in a twin flame situation because they would never want to date themselves. Thank goodness I do not have to worry about that. I have enough on my plate as it is.
Let me know how this Libra energy is treating you. Namaste.
