Glove Story

I have been spending the past few weeks honing my creative therapy skills by helping my clients dive into their emotional landscapes via music, visual arts, and writing.  This is not particularly new. I have used these modalities many times in my work as a therapist. But as a therapist who is now an active writer, this endeavor has taken some new turns.

The more I delve into my clients’ lives, the more I question my own. The mirroring that I observe is both miraculous and ordinary. If you visit here often, you know that the miraculous and ordinary usually represent the same experience for me. For example, I have a new client who I was told can be difficult to connect with. I have not seen her through that lens. We engaged in some small talk initially, which led to her revelation about art. She repeatedly said that she is not good at art, but she loves viewing it and learning about it. ”  I don’t know why I love art, I just do!” We have connected so easily because of our shared love of art. I quickly noticed that I say the same thing to others: that I am not good at art, but am a huge fan of the craft. I realize that repeating that statement undermines my delight in making art and enjoying my process. Note to Self: Halt the judgement.

I use these creative modalities in order to help others access their emotional worlds and enhance their communication skills. This emphasis on self-expression has led me to analyze further my own unique process. What is driving me? Why do I need to write? Am I incomplete in some way until I release my essence on the written page? Reading Michael’s excellent offering yesterday inspired me further to conjure up a little something for you today. The Universe never fails in complementing my inner musings with outer evidence.

So let me share a small Glove Story with you:

I used to lose my wallet repeatedly or have it stolen. This happened in both dreamtime and while awake. I figured this had to do with a weak identity. When my wallet stopped being stolen or lost, I decided the identity misgivings were resolved. I also have lost many keys in both realms, tying this into mastery and autonomy. This association works for me. Earrings also go missing, leaving me with several solo earrings in my jewelry box. This seems less symbolic and more aerodynamic. Earrings fall off or get caught on things and slip away to earringland.

But then there’s the gloves….

steve-madden-colorblock-boyfriend-touch-gloves

I bought these oh-so-sweet gloves a few months ago. They dazzle with so many of my favorite colors, purple, gray, maroon, etc. They work so well with my plum jacket and black shawl. They are soft and warm and cozy. I have lost one glove at least three times since I first wore them. And every time I was able to retrace my steps and find the stray – until now. Tuesday night I discovered that one of the gloves was not in my jacket pocket. I was at a diner and began to search half of the entire diner, then my car, my office the next day ….  Nada.

Then I begin combing the office parking lot and the cafeteria where I ate on Tuesday. I also scaled the campus between said parking lot and cafeteria by car and foot. I discovered other sole ( soul)  gloves, but not mine. I even went back to the bathroom stall in aforementioned cafeteria. I later returned to the diner on Wednesday, again asking the same questions and receiving the same answers. Today I went back yet again to the lost and found. I even searched online to see if I could buy a new pair. They are all sold out. I called the store where I bought it and contacted the manufacturer. I also prayed for guidance.

I want my glove back. I do not know why I am so obsessed. I have other gloves that are nice. But they are not enough somehow. I told myself in a few weeks it will be much warmer ( heck it’s spring-like now!) and I will not need to wear gloves. I realize this is a frivolous, high-class problem. But something deeper lurks. Something is stirring within that leaves me sad and unsettled.

Maybe it would be different if I had made peace with my father before he died, or if I could have caught Dexter’s heart problem before it took his life, or if I remained in one neighborhood and school for my entire childhood, or if I was taught that I was always enough simply because IAM. But I wasn’t taught and it is not different.

This Glove Story has no ending. In fact, it has only begun to brew, like a fresh teabag covered in tepid water.

Advertisements

Hey!

wikipedia.org pub domain

Hey everyone out in cyberspace. What’s shaking? I added a horse image to accompany this blog because I remember being told ” Hay is for horses!” whenever I would say Hey!

With Mars in the very beginning of Sagittarius, horses are very fitting anyway. I have missed everyone so much, but have not had the time or inclination to write and publish lately. I really wish I could devote more energy to leisurely going through my reader, slowly and thoughtfully drinking in each post, perhaps with a cup of tea.

Forgive me for not answering your comments sooner or adding my own to your material. I do the best I can as I still adjust to my new responsibilities.

Welcome to my new readers! I hope you hang in there with me. The archives are filled with material on a plethora of topics, so please avail yourself of the oldies but goodies while I work on my next draft. There is a piece brewing about magic and enchantment and some wonderful synchronicities. Classic litebeing material, if I don’t say so myself.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend and the shift from Scorpio to Sag. Can you feel the change? I know that I do and I am grateful for the respite from the shadows and subterfuge. What a relief to move about with less baggage and more transparency.

Until we meet again…..

image credit ~ wikipedia.org, public domain

 

wikipedia.org, public domain

Sleep Deprivation Induced Truths

Pearce_Solitude

I have become inspired by many writers who share themselves so generously, day by day, blog after blog, article after article, book after book. I want to dig deeper today and invite you to see more of the real me, in this moment.

I yearn to be seen and heard, without any mask or pretense. I will supply more of the back story of my existence. It is as necessary as my next breath.

I am sitting here typing on less than 2 hours sleep. The past few years I have struggled with sleep deprivation from time to time. This is due less to insomnia and more from persistent digestive issues. When I find it is easier to stay out of bed, I come to the computer and television to distract myself. It is easier to go back and forth to the bathroom from a sitting position. I have become more accustomed to the sleep deprivation knowing I eventually catch up on my sleep. I have made my peace with this.

But it has taken time. For about one year ( 2011-2012) I barely held my full-time job. I was out sick several days a week and kept employed due to FMLA. The mornings were the worst, and if I did not sleep, I would call out sick. There are many reasons my health deteriorated back then. But what matters is that I did the best I could to maintain some semblance of order in my disorderly life.

6706098_f1024

I am in physical pain almost every day. This has been going on for over a year. There are occasional pain-free days, but they are rare. The pain fluctuates from mild to excruciating to anything in-between. I find it really difficult to talk about this. But it is not that hard to describe here.  At least not now. Plans are made, knowing full well, they may have to be cancelled at the last-minute. My expectations about how I spend my time are incredibly low. This may be a good thing, as expectations drag me down. And yet, I would like to be able to make commitments with a modicum of confidence.

I cope with the pain in a variety of ways, such as prayer, reading inspirational materials, watching spiritually themed videos, journaling, and positive self-talk. I let myself cry freely and without judgement. Many bloggers write about chronic and/or severe health struggles, and I find solace from reading these personal accounts.

Sometimes turmeric and ginger help. Sometimes I try something a bit stronger. It is interesting that I spent about an hour on the phone with a pharmacist about the dangers of prescribed opiates shortly before Prince died. It was as if I knew these pills could kill me. My doctor only prescribed a few pills with no refills. He handled this very responsibly. It is just that I have a tendency to relish not existing in this reality. I also have a history of self-medicating as a teen. Yet I have only taken 1 pill since leaving the hospital, just so you know. But I am grateful the bottle is close by.

I want to share how I felt on April 15th, my latest trip to the hospital. I had just gotten my first IV dose of an opiate painkiller while in the ER for my lower GI pain. This was the kind of debilitating torture that led me to call 911 for myself. I had never needed to do that before. I can still remember how free I felt once the stuff kicked in. I was devoid of worry, my muscles had relaxed, and my pain was virtually non-existent. I raised my voice and declared how great it was to be free! Funny thing is, the subsequent doses have less of an effect. ( Actually this is not funny at all, quite the contrary.)

 

I never know where I will be or how long I will be away from home. I pay my bills as quickly as possible, in case I am hospitalized without notice. I sometimes pack a bag to take with me to the doctor, on the off-chance I may need a change of clothes. I eat most meals wondering if I will be regretting my choice of foods. Why is it that the sauce I could eat all my life no longer agrees with me? Why does the sandwich I prepared last week make me double up in agony when I fix the same thing today? Sometimes the food does not make a difference. Truth is, no one seems to know much about my illness, triggers, or treatment.

I am just supposed to live like this.

Alphonse_Osbert_-_La_Solitude_du_Christ

Today is one of those times where I am struggling with fatigue and pain. I do not know if it will pass or increase in intensity. I never know. It has been so very isolating to keep my feelings locked away inside, only to discuss with a very select few. Many have welcomed a frank discussion about my health. I just don’t like to rehash it verbally. It is quite arduous and seems futile most of the time. But I do not like feeling so alone with my struggle. I want to move out of the false optimism and embrace this moment of despair. For it is real and honest and alive within me.

One day I would also like to put my name on this blog and all of my content. The main reason I don’t disclose my  full name is because I am afraid prospective employers wouldn’t be receptive to my story. The irony is that I cannot seem to find a job to save my life.

Now I wonder if finding one would save my life.

 

Comments are closed for this entry. I would like you to contact me here if you have any comments or questions. Please keep me in your prayers. Perhaps this unfiltered confession will be balm for my soul. Thank you for listening.

 

image credits ~ wikipedia.org, public domain
wikiart.org pub domain

Words and Pictures

the-little-falls-sketch-1918.jpg!Large

Words and Pictures is a film I have longed to see for a good while. The draw for me is my passion for both writing and the visual arts. It had alluded me at the theater and disappeared from cable and Netflix without warning. It reappeared this week on On Demand fortunately.

Mini-review: This film is about two lonely, wounded artists who find one another and challenge each other to become better versions of themselves. The acting is magnificent. Juliette Binoche and Clive Owen are beautifully matched here. I am a fan of both in such films as Chocolat, Bee Season, Croupier, and Closer. But I would be inclined to say they gave better performances in this piece. I appreciated mostly the nuances in what wasn’t said, the intricacies expressed by their facial expressions were on full display.

The main premise asks the question: Which medium is more moving , pictures or words? While the answer still remains a mystery, the film uses both words and visuals to provide drama, inspiration, and some comic relief. Both main characters struggle with loss, failure, and emotional vulnerability. It seems like they have become reduced to lifeless, half-dead, shells. But life has other plans….

The purpose of this post is to pair images with words and have you, the reader, decide your preference. I am pairing the paintings of J. E. H. MacDonald and the words of  poets from Love Poems from God and quotes by The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo for your enjoyment and comparison.

First pairing:

5.1.5

I WOULD CEASE TO BE by St. Teresa of Avila

God

dissolved

my mind – my separation.

I cannot describe now my intimacy with Him.

How dependent is your body’s life on water and food and air?

I said to God ” I will always be unless you cease to Be.”

And my Beloved replied, ” And I

would cease to Be

if you

died.”

Second pairing:

the-tangled-garden-1916

LIKE ROOTS by St. Thomas of Assisi

Our hands imbibe like roots

so I place them on what is beautiful in this world.

And I fold them in prayer, and they

draw from the heavens

light.

Third pairing:

early-autumn-montreal-river-algoma

The stream of life that runs through the world,

runs through my veins.  ~  Rabindranath Tagore

Fourth pairing:

rowanberries-mountain-ash-algoma-1922.jpg!Large

And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk to bloom.  ~ Anais Nin

Final reflections ~

This is not a contest, just merely an exercise to focus on the wonder of the written word and the dance of color and light. I will admit that blogging has afforded me the luxury of marrying my words with art, a luxury I am unlikely to relinquish without a fight.

The beauty of Words and Pictures is the restoration of the main characters. This is a partial restoration or reset point. While neither one goes back in time, before the damage and wounds set in, they emerge lively and prolific once more. Compromises were made and risks were taken. Through this process, rebirth prevailed.

Happy Spring from litebeing,

May you embrace your inner Easter.

image credits ~ wikiart.org, public domain

Writing ~ The Masterful Administration of the Unforeseen

get-attachment (17)

No one can predict the future now. No one can make long- range plans. The best we can hope for, to quote Robert Bridges, is ” the masterful administration of the unforeseen.”  Ride the whirlwind. That’s the most we can do.
Arthur C. Clarke

 

This sage advice is found on page 150 of Walking on Alligators – A Book of Meditations for Writers by Susan Shaughnessy. I was led to open a random page from this book today and post it here. I have been thinking deeply about my writing process of late. I have wondered why some pieces come so easily to me , while others are so arduous and heavy. I have also noticed how grateful I am when opportunities appear to take my writing and this blog in new directions. For example, when TMA was looking on Facebook for bloggers to review the Music Issue, I had no idea I could do it justice, or the editor would like it and link it to their FB page and my stats would go off the charts. WordPress even noticed and gave me props.  WOW, thank you for the love!

So many times I question my ability to try something new for fear of failing or offending or somehow falling short. Yet there lies the paradox of the creative process. Shaughnessy goes on to say ” … And in the end, what else is writing? Each day, you sit down to try to give shape and forward motion to something unforeseen. This process equips you to help others face this urgent task. When you can write in such a way to make it seem easier to grasp, you will contribute what your age is asking for.”

This begs the question, do I write as I live? Do I leave myself open to shaping each moment by co-creating with intention and love? Or do I play it safe and never stray too far from what keeps me secure and comfortable?

 

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

Thanks to everyone who reads my posts and believes in the magic of the written word. The magic lies in the ability to find your own meanings, draw your own conclusions, and bravely move forward..

Tag Award

Tazein of  transcendingbordersblog has nominated me for the Tag  Award! Thank you, Tazein! Please visit her lovely blog and get to know her work and her sweet spirit.

tag-image65 (1)
Tag Award

THE RULES:

1-Post a picture of the award on your blog.

2-Tag back the person who tagged you to let them know you have accepted the award.

3- State 11 facts about yourself.

4- Answer the 11 questions I have asked you.

5-Tag the same amount of people as there are letters in your name.

6-Ask your OWN QUESTIONS -11 of them, to the people you have tagged.

7-Contact the people you have tagged to let them know they have been tagged.

11 facts about myself:

1- My left hand is dominant but I can iron with my right hand.

2- I won a prize for playing pinball.

3- At my cousin’s wedding I was a bridesmaid and Jerry Seinfeld was the usher who  walked down the aisle with me!

4- I kept almost all of my old concert tickets

5- I really enjoy reading cookbooks – mostly for the pictures.

6- Spring and Autumn are my favorite seasons.

7- I became lactose intolerant a few years back.

8- My new favorite prayer is ” Use me God ” .

9- The Mister Softee ice cream truck song brings joy to my being and will literally stop me in my tracks.

Watch this video for your  immediate indoctrination into the Mister Softee club

10- I have been watching The Young and the Restless almost since it began airing.

11- I can pick up small objects with my toes.

QUESTIONS ASKED :

1-What is your dream goal in life?
 One of those dreams would be to have Oprah interview me on Super Soul Sunday.

2-Do you believe in God?
  I am part of God, we are all one.

3-Have you already published, or thinking of publishing your book?
 One book idea is to explore individual and collective mystical experiences and how they are accepted by the predominant cultures of various countries throughout the world.

4-What do you do to relax and unwind?
  Mellow music, walks in nature, a good book

5-Do you have children?
  Dexter is my baby

Dexter
Dexter

6-Where do you look for happiness?
  Within

7-What is your favorite color?
  Look at the text !

8-Who is your favorite author?
  I don’t have a favorite, I am an avid reader and my favorite is whoever I am reading now!

9-What motivates you to blog?
  My desire to become more of my real self and inspire others to do the same

10-Do you believe in love at first sight?
  sometimes

11–Are you doing a full time job?
  I am a part-time mystic ( see my blog title) soon hoping to be promoted to full-time status

MY QUESTIONS:
1- What is your favorite cartoon character?

2- Do you speak any languages other than your native language?

3- What dishes would be served for your favorite meal?

4- Why did you start blogging?

5- Beatles or Rolling Stones?

6- What is your dream travel destination?

7- Do you prefer writing or typing?

8- How has WordPress changed your life?

9- Can you whistle?

10-If you could choose an alter-ego, who would you become?

11- Do you prefer life before or after the invention of cellphones?

 

MY NOMINATIONS:

Here are my awardees, please check out them out – great people, great blogs, great storytellers:

James Fielden

Karen Kubicko

eyesOfOdysseus

sethsnap

bluebutterfliesandme