I hope you enjoy this bonus post for the Cosmic Retrograde Challenge ~
While I was already wearing the Sugilite, I wanted to do something extra to participate along with my fellow blogettes. I had already dug up some old pictures to show to some friends who had recently come back into my life. I began working with my A. T. Mann tarot cards again after years of neglect. I had also started rereading Many Mansions after viewing Shree’s book review. But these activities did not match the intensity of the Sugilite for me. I wanted to really feeeeeeel something. So I turned to music. I began to forage through stacks of CDs : Prince (maybe); U2 (not now) ; Joni Mitchell (this looks good!); but then I spotted Joan Armatrading and I knew. I felt the power contained within the disc and I knew this would work well. So for three weeks now I have been listening to Joan Armatrading’s Greatest Hits on my car radio. You may wonder why I chose the car radio.
play now : Song on the radio
In my last post I described how I became better equipped to tap into information to serve others. Historically I would (and still do) get information on its own terms. Typically a thought or idea would pop into my head and often lead me to a synchronistic event. My intuition appeared when it wanted to, I had no control over when and where I would be guided. I was ok with this. I was grateful to be guided in any form as long as it was for the highest good. There is one exception however ~ the radio. I cannot remember how it started but it is the one way I am able to easily receive information at my request. Sometimes it will work on Pandora or on TV music channels, but it really is all about my car radio. I have been asking for messages to guide me through the radio for a very long time. Never said a word about it until quite recently. I figured people would think I was out of my mind (crazy) if I spoke about my musical oracle. Truth is, I was out of MY mind and into the greater MIND. Usually I would set my intention to get a message within 3 songs. Occasionally I would request a song and it would be played automatically. I highly recommend trying this, very cool! This method does not always work , but when it does… So the car radio is the vehicle I chose for the challenge.
Love and Affection I am starting with the first of three songs on the CD that evoked great emotion. I have arranged them to coincide with the order of my journey. Since we are looking at cycles, I noticed an overlap between the recent Mercury Retrograde and my Saturn to Sun transit. I examined my first Saturn/ Sun conjunction back in 1984. I was checking out apartments. It was time to leave the security of living with room mates and have my own place. It was the Summer of 1984 and I was in Graduate School ( Saturn in Scorpio transiting the 9th house). I wanted the independence and freedom of being my own person. I was looking at a small studio apartment in the Castle Building. I had lived in that building a year ago with college room mates. I loved this old space with its high ceilings, huge windows and wooden floors. As I toured the kitchen I saw beans soaking in a bowl on the counter, along with lots of fresh vegetables, and fresh bread. I was very curious about these beans. An earth mother must live here, I thought to myself! Who will I become? Will I be a good cook? Will I learn how to bake and garden? Will I soak beans? How will my adulthood take form?
I initially associated this song with a crush of mine. This was a couple of years after I moved into that very studio apartment. I had made a great group of friends but was still missing my college ex- boyfriend. I wanted to feel alive and free and vulnerable again. I was ready for love once more. Later that song referred to other men in my life. But the first time I really got that song was around the time I began to establish a way in the world on my own. I would sing it in the mirror and twirl around full of hope and wonder.
Weakness in me I did not know of this song until much later in time. I did not have the CD until after I heard this song in concert. This concert I attended was in 1996 , right around my birthday. I saw Joan Armatrading in a small venue and it was amazing. I was in Graduate School again ( a different degree this time) and money was tight, but I wanted a treat. When I heard this tune, I immediately became teary. I knew the story all too well. By this time in my life I had already been involved in a few love triangles. In these cases, one or both of the parties was involved with another partner. The men in my life ( 2 lived in my neighborhood at the time) were prone to ” show up”. This could be taken many ways. They would pop back into my life after having moved away, or would just show up at my work or my home. Or I would get an email or phone call out of the blue. Or I would meet someone who looked just like a former lover. This song is about love, betrayal, control, and pain. Joan refers to weakness being part of her character. I would add that it applied to all the characters in this drama. Everyone always makes a choice, or chooses to not make one.
Me, Myself, I The third song in this trilogy has a great reggae beat and a happy melody. Basically Joan wants to be alone and enjoy herself. I often sang this song when I had enough of a relationship or was so angry with a former partner. I visualized myself traveling and going on adventures freely and joyfully. There is not a particular time period I associate with this song. I placed it last because it is where I am now. I went from the innocence of love to the complexity of intimacy and commitment, to the refuge of independence and mastery. And RELIEF!
Disclaimer: I know in past posts I have either inferred or directly stated that I am done with romance. I want to elaborate on this a bit. First of all, I deliberately leave out the details about my personal life. Although I do not use my name , some people in my real life read this material and know these men. While I am not in touch with any of them, some of my friends and associates may still be in contact with them. In this cyber world of ours, I prefer to keep things vague. Secondly, I adore men! For most of my life, my best friends were men. It took me a long time to find the connection with women that came easily with men! I do not want my readers to get the wrong impression. I have been fortunate to have loved deeply and experience the beauty of soulful, intimate relationships. It is just that I do not do them well. Just like cars: I have been driving since age 17 and still don’t understand how my car runs. Well, it is like that for me and romance. I tend to attract and get involved with very Plutonian, Saturnian and Neptunian partners in a Uranian way. ( Saturn in Cap opposing Mars, Uranus/Pluto in 7th house, Leo descendant, ruler of descendant – Sun, conjunct Neptune) It was exhausting! I am not saying I will never change my mind. I just do not think there is anything more for me to learn here. My work is DONE. By the way, I do not feel angry about this. I would prefer to call it mature acceptance.
Lessons learned: As I drove around listening to these passionate songs about love and identity, I remembered past associations and also made new ones. This is where the magic happens. Now when I hear Love and Affection, instead of imagining a new partner, I felt the rich, vibrant Cosmic love in the burgundy and rust trees as they shimmered and glowed under the November sun. To quote Steve Winwood, it is a ” Higher Love.” When I play Weakness in Me, I realize that I participated in dramas that were ultimately unhealthy and somewhat ridiculous. Living in chaos was an easier choice than going about the business of finding a suitable partner and settling down. Today I see that I am my own suitable partner. To live out my chart is to partner with my Sun. My sun is where I star in my life. I have learned to own most of my projections and become more balanced and integrated. Finally, when I sing Me, Myself, I, most of the anger and resentment is gone. I feel lighter and less defended. I am not singing ” I wanna be by myself ” in response to feeling overwhelmed, controlled, or frustrated. I am singing as an expression of gratitude.
Willow In the course of playing this CD for so long, I came upon a song that I had not noticed before, Willow. Please listen to this gorgeous , soulful composition. It is very soft and mellow. I am not really surprised to have discovered it because I took on this challenge in expectation of alchemy. I am in process of becoming a willow. Willow is a song about loyalty, protection, strength and stability. It is sweet, tender, and ethereal. Perhaps it is a taste of the future.
This challenge has been very Challenging! I have been relentlessly haunted in my dreams by old lovers. Many tears were shed. This exercise has required major soul-searching. But in the end it was worth staying with the discomfort. I came out of this experience ever so slightly transformed and renewed. Ghosts have been cleared and released. I am aware that I still have plenty of work to do. Fortunately the Saturn/Sun transit is in full effect.
POSTSCRIPT– Remember the young woman staring at the bowl of beans soaking on the counter. I am not through with her quite yet. She returns in a future Collisions series post – stay tuned!