7-12-17 UPDATE: Guess what arrives in the mail, last night, the eve of the 2 year anniversary of Dexter’s death? A huge envelope from the SPCA. I open it up to discover a 2018 calendar featuring photos of cats and dogs. I have never received a calendar from them before, in all the years I have been affiliated with them. And look at the timing? hmmmmm…
I love you Dexter ❤
On Thursday or Friday I heard something on the radio about a Petapalooza in my neighborhood. My intuition told me this whisper was a possible summons. I like the name Petapalooza and was curious. I “heard” it was yesterday and noticed nothing was happening in the area. That is because it was scheduled for today!
Friday evening before bed I sensed Dexter asleep in his bed. Almost instantly I realized this could not be. Yet I gave myself permission to allow this idea to express itself. While asleep I dreamed about animals. Both a dog and a cat ran to me like babies missing their momma. When I hugged the cat, I felt the embrace of completeness. The cat felt like Dexter, but the body was ice-cold. I remarked about this coldness to someone in the dream. There was also a patch of purple fabric on the cat’s body. I did not analyze the dream, but figure Dexter was paying me a visit.
I awoke feeling confused and sad. Honestly, I have felt sad, lonely, missing, and angry for several months now. I keep working to find ways to heal what needs healing. I considered that the Petapalooza may offer some answers.
The weather is lovely so I did not mind the long walk from my car to the festivities. I told myself my body requires more exercise. At first I only saw dogs around, but eventually I noticed some cat rescue organizations. I checked out some cats, with the intention of browsing. I am not ready to adopt. Even though it will be 2 years next week since I lost Dexter. My grief has changed since then, but I am not fully over losing him. Part of me has not fully accepted his departure. I am not really surprised at this discovery. Not really.
While I am glad I got out of the house for a while, I was only more saddened by the sight of the homeless animals. I thought of my former cats Dex and Jasmine who I adopted from the SPCA. Someone at the cat rescue booth suggested people take pictures of the kittens to post to social media. Once it occurred to me that I could help out, I had already begun to walk to my car. I simply lacked the energy to seize the moment. I feel like those shelter animals: abandoned, lost, empty, and sad.
I am not a stranger to depression. In this instance it is mostly situational. Practically everything in my life has disintegrated before my eyes. What I tell suicidal clients is that we are here for a reason and it is not our choice to end our lives. I am here to see how it all plays out. But at this moment it does not look good.