Digging Deep

This world keeps turning and I keep changing from the inside out. With plenty of time for soul searching, it occurred to me that I learned about disruption and reset very early and could be an expert in instability and impermanence. I would not recommend early childhood and adolescent trauma but I am grateful it did not morph into PTSD.   But it might account for this why I tire so quickly of tasks and routines and yet sometimes crave tasks and routines? Ambivalence I have learned to befriend and it is a worthwhile alliance.

After much delay and indecision I finally exchanged my company laptop and keys for my personal belongings from work. At some point I realized that I did not want to return to my old office. I rather just get my stuff and be done with it. So I asked my manager if he would be willing to pick up 3 items for me and make the exchange in our neighborhood. He surprisingly agreed without hesitation. I had already written him an unsent letter, clearing out any crap between us. This is known in ascension speak as alchemizing the density into light. I would be lying if I said this was easy, but I am a therapist and I know how to do this. The art I chose to accompany this post is created by indigenous people, some of it rather old. It symbolizes wisdom, heritage, truth, and tradition, often borne out of difficult times. Digging deeply can trigger boundless treasures.

Here was our conversation :

Me: Hi

Him : Hi, put this down here  pointing to the bench

Me : The keys are in the bag with the laptop

Him: I found something in the desk that might be yours so I brought it.

Me : What?

Him: Lotion

Me:  I looked in the bag and all 3 items were there plus lavender vanilla cream, which was mine but I had deemed non-essential.         Yes this is mine.  D0 you have the gift card?

Him: Oh, I forgot. It is in my work bag.

Me : I just silently stared at his masked face with my own masked face.

Him: We could meet again?

Me : Thinking to myself ” Fuck no. ” Silence

Him: I could give you cash?

Me: Okay

Him:  He hands me a 10 dollar bill.  It was a starbucks gift card.

Me: So now you can keep it for yourself. It isn’t about the money. It is about the principle.

Him : Take care

Me:  I walk away.

It was all very civilized. He had awarded me a gift card at a staff meeting and never gave it to me. It was for five dollars so I made a profit, lol! Yes I took his money without any thought. He took my job away , laying me off because he could. It was like an awkward breakup when people come back to retrieve stuff left behind. I have been through this a time or two.

Just a few days later I saw that my former employer was advertising for my old job. This stung but I got over it rather quickly. I would never work for this company again with these current people at the helm. Another day or so later I “inadvertently” came upon an ad for an incredible job opportunity at an Ivy League University doing clinical work for a research project. This ” happy accident” occurred because I saw a job website email and wondered if my old job was listed. It wasn’t, but this very rare opportunity was listed. I felt inspired. I went outside and I saw a fat gold and white cat approach me, followed by a monarch butterfly and then a small cabbage white butterfly. The energy was shifting…..

The dance with darkness in most sectors of my life is determined by my natal chart. Pluto in the 7th  is an aspect that I have become adept at navigating ( it is not near the Asc/Desc axis fortunately but it is conjunct my north node, summoning me to grow through major  interpersonal excavations). What is much more treacherous for me is Pluto making a rather close square to my MC/IC axis, meaning my inner world, family, home, grounding and my vocation, professional life, reputation, work family ( not to mention both parental figures) are besieged by challenges of power struggles, manipulation, destruction, and reinvention. Good times? no! Clearly I ordered a complex life path from the All You Can Eat Cosmic buffet menu for this lifetime.

So when motivated , I dig deep and work on being my better self, remembering I am not here to hold onto blame, regrets, and old grievances. I know that to attract and acquire a safe healthy workplace with generally decent people I must embody all those qualities in myself and let go of all that does not match that vibration. We are all so much more than we “think” we are and even when we are not living small, there is still larger ways of being. I am not aiming for perfection as that is a trap. I am seeking balance, grace, and humility. And also a butterfly, a fat cat and miracles wherever they pop up.

all indigenous images courtesy of wikipedia.org