I have been eager to blog but have let other priorities take hold. I am not sure why I don’t simply take more time to write, read posts, and comment. It is not a lack of interest, but more the idea that there is just too much else to do.
So I am showing up now, to share some diary – type musings. I hope you enjoy the view!
I know it has been several weeks ( more like two months ) since I wrote anything original. Not surprised, just a bit sad. Sad that change happens slowly sometimes. Sad that I need to keep recalibrating my expectations and ideas about transformation. Transformation of my self, collective consciousness. the evolution of humanity. While I expect these may all be intertwined, please don’t wait for me!
I have felt stuck for a few years now. Stuck between survival and momentum. Stuck in this notion that if my visions of change did not work lately, how can they ever change? I was soooooooo certain that if I purged my old apartment of stuff and threw out the old and stale, then located and moved into a place more in alignment with a newer me, that many of my challenges would be conquered. Loneliness, isolation, poor health, limitations, financial insecurity, and on and on. I truly believed if I just took long overdue action and did a very hard thing – move all by myself after almost 30 years, that I would be squarely set in a new chapter. Well, my health worsened, my stress continued to be high, and my anxieties about not making poor choices escalated. To use Dr Joe’s words, I was not breaking the habit of being myself.
I was ( and continue to feel ) proud of taking this on. I am still not clear why this major change did not accomplish what I hoped, but I am glad I did follow through. Feeling ill again has resulted in my changing many short term plans, but I am not giving up or giving in to my physical pain. I recognize that I do not have to give up simply because the process does not go my way.
I found a Naturopath physician and began making some changes to my diet and supplements. I had substantial blood tests run and was amazed that a couple of them are so much better than I expected, real progress over the past few years. I find that my body and its test results behave in ways that I cannot make sense of. Welcome to the Quantum! It is possible to go to sleep in great physical discomfort and dream of mansions and wooded cave oases. Or to have synchronicities happen during the liminal times that I simply would not imagine on my own.
But I want MORE. I want to be done with the struggle and get on with it, towards the rewards. It requires me not getting in my way, despite my best intentions. It requires more spontaneity ( like writing today ) and willingness to not harbor negative emotions to accompany challenging events ” out there “. The mind is so clever and adept into fooling me that I am doing my best when I am not doing my best. Yes, self care and general rest are crucial, but taking risks and imagining possibilities in a disciplined way can be a portal to a ” faerie future. “
I chose some images from the archives to reclaim the new me. More will be revealed when I have gained more of my footing. Many of us showed up for a dramatic, consequential incarnation and I am one of ” us. “
Please share some of how you have transformed recently in the comments below, if you feel inspired to do so.
litebeing chronicles 
You are definitely one of us. This part of your post struck me so much because I have been increasingly aware of the one consciousness lately. Dr. Joe definitely helps with that. Also I would say you’d benefit from a book that probably predates Dr. Joe, “What to say when you talk to yourself,” by Shad Helmstetter.
I’m glad you didn’t hesitate to post. It’s very much in alignment with the energy of the times. I know you want the “rewards” but it’s just not forecasted. We are in so much deep growth— all of us. Your reward is in this post you wrote. Your reward is in each moment you can cheer yourself on. It’s a big deal you moved after 30 years! Are you proud of yourself? You ought to be! Maybe it didn’t unlock your puzzle but maybe it’s still part of the key. 🔑
Infinite hugs and love!
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Your comment is sooo very validating Ka. I had procrastinated moving for so many years because I had to sort out what to get rid of and figure out where to go. I knew I needed to go but could not get motivated. Then I finally do the hard stuff and throw out so much old things I no longer needed to hold onto. I was so surprised that the clearing out didn’t appear to create much movement. But here we are. I am proud of myself, yes. But I visualized more and did not receive it, yet. However I did receive your empathy and care ❤
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I’m so so glad that you feel supported, Linda! I just wanted you to know that I realize what an immense project that was for you: moving. Some times the results of our actions and attempts come much later than we expect, too. Also they might show up in mysterious ways as well—out of the blue! I’m sending you a lot of love! May we each find our peace in the life we are living; and, thank you for the “window to your inside world” 💗 Ka 🤗
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Lovely Linda!
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Thank you Cindy
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All you can do dear Linda is your best. and look after yourself… Blogging does take up such a lot of time and effort, especially those of us who read other blogs and comment regular..
I too have taken a back seat in blog land. I take it in small bites now… As there are other things I do instead of sitting at a computer or on my phone… Not healthy LOL for long periods.. 🙂
So keep doing what you are doing when you feel like doing it…
I hope you continue your transformation Linda .. You are a beautiful Soul..
Sending love and Blessings your way xx ❤
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Thank you so much Linda for sharing your authentic journey. It’s great to see you! I love and resonate with what you said here: Yes, self care and general rest are crucial, but taking risks and imagining possibilities in a disciplined way can be a portal to a ” faerie future. “ That’s been part of my journey ever more so these days. One of the biggest ways I recently embraced transformation was releasing filling my days with old ways of supporting others that was familiar so that I can spread my joyful wings in more courageous heart ways. 🦋
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Thanks for offering up your own example of this process. I really admire how you write about getting on with what is needed and do not complain or procrastinate. Maybe it is your sturdy Cap ascendant or maybe not. Please know that while I am not as present here as before, that I appreciate you and your creative gentle spirit ❤
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