Today is the first of November. It is getting realer than real. Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of Rick’s passing. It is also my dear friend Marie’s birthday and she also recently passed. In light of this timeline, I found a reason to drive home to Philly. I was told I needed to get lab requests from my primary so that was my official reason. I wanted to have a good meal, savor the foliage and drive around the area where Herman, Rick, and Emily once lived. I did attempt to find Emily’s home and while I located the exact address, her narrow side street eluded me. Still I felt the blended energies to some degree. The highlight was parking in my former parking lot and walking around my hood taking in the scenery. A feeling a peace and sadness blanketed me. I have not felt so safe as I did at that moment. I have been off balance for way too long. The answer is not moving back. It is finding grounding and securing inner safety. I do not need any more fire, thank you. I do not think fire makes me feel safer, It makes me more adolescent and impulsive and antsy. Better than dead inside , but not grounded.
It seems Emily has been contacting me in tangible ways. First I got a FB memory from her. Then a few days ago I got a friend request from someone I lost touch with, An herbalist and astrologer I met ” by chance ” one day visiting the store she worked at. We became fast friends and she moved to the Caribbean a couple years later. When I perused her page before clicking on the request I read a post she wrote. Emily replied to her post. I had no idea they knew one another! It appears that Emily was working through FB to reach me. I have a knack for meeting strangers at their work and becoming friends or lovers. Who knew? Well, I did because it happens often. Glad to have this person back in the fold. She said a memory popped up and prompted her to reach out.
Here are a few photos from my walk.
I do not have any firm expectations about tonight or tomorrow. I would love a visitation from Rick and/or Marie but I must accept whatever I receive. I do think my recent awakening has improved my abilities , it is not a sure thing. I am typically recalling one dream each night on average. Some dreams feel routine and boring or repetitive. One I had recently revolved around my worry about not completing a morning routine on time while away with some people. I often dream about anxiety around work or time or finding a bathroom. Not exactly parting the Red Sea. Yet occasionally the content is compelling.
I look forward to putting down my life review and carrying all these people on my back. This doesn’t mean the love won’t remain or that my heart is closing. In order for me to grow, I need the time and energy to focus more on myself, to discern what I truly want.
