I have noticed lately how bored I am with this “recovery”. My pain returned somewhat dramatically today, so the doctor put me back on 2 antibiotics. Good times, not! I am curious to see how long my body will tolerate them. So far, so good, for all of 8 hours. The pain has already decreased, which leads me to think my infection has returned or I have succumbed to the placebo effect. When I had lyme disease many years ago, it was an extended odyssey into the world of multiple medications, hives, assorted side effects, and old-fashioned misery. Eventually I healed, but my fear of ticks persisted. So tired of fear!
Also, I am quite tired of putting plans aside, especially those that are rare and sacred, like my friend’s recent Quaker Wedding. My friend has waited so very long to find her mate and I could not be there. It would have also been my first Quaker Wedding. I was very excited to witness her joy and bask in the love and light. She was very gracious about my absence, but that is not the point. The point is I am being forced to narrow the playing field in this game of life. It seems like more and more of my choices are being eliminated and I don’t like it.
Yes, I am venting, but this is not a pity party. I will accept what I cannot change. But in the meantime, I want to go to Longwood Gardens or Pendle Hill or the arboretum. Even a car ride out in the country would suffice. It is so beautiful outside , but my body has other ideas. It wants to rest, and stay close to the bathroom. I recently declared that I would only do what is essential or enjoyable. Sometimes what is enjoyable is also essential. The longings of the soul are what is of one’s essence. .
When I became lactose intolerant, it was a long and unpleasant journey of experimentation. I eventually learned which foods I could consume and which were off-limits. Today I want to reminisce with you and pay tribute to some favorites I can no longer enjoy:
So long cheesy lasagna, gooey pizza, decadent fettuccine alfredo, and yummy ice cream! It was great while it lasted.. Will these seedy treats be added to the gone- but- not-forgotten list?:
Let’s not even consider abandoning pecan pie, or dare I say it, German chocolate cake?
I know I will adapt, and that time moves very slowly when I don’t feel well. Funny though, it has been almost 3 weeks and I can barely remember most of it! I am not happy with the prospect of giving up more and more of what I enjoy. Food is comfort and it is natural to seek comfort. It is part of the human experience, particular when one is in pain. When I was in the hospital, they put my treatment plan on the board in my room. I was not actively consulted, but the plan was accurate and quite amusing. It said Less Pain, More Comfort, and Better Explanation.
Who doesn’t desire less pain (contentment), more comfort ( peace) and adequate understanding ( closure) ? These states of being are basic human needs. It is all about removing the obstacles to love ( fear) from the equation.
While I continue to juggle antibiotics, dietary restrictions, and other details. let me know which fattening and unhealthy foods are your favorites. You can even include pictures!
While you are considering which culinary delights are to “die-for” ? ( no I have not lost my sense of humor!), please listen to The Talking Heads road to nowhere.
Maybe I am ascending after all, if I am no-where and arrived in no-time. I have heard we can ascend without leaving the body, but frankly I might prefer trading up for a newer model. On a more positive note, I am closer to recognizing that there is no reason to rush. At a certain age, I became obsessed with living my life now and putting my ambitions into action. I grasped tightly onto a ” now or never” attitude, as time slipped by drop by drop. I am rethinking this philosophy as I have arrived at the realization that there is nowhere to go. My soul is eternal and I have probably already experienced most of the things I dream about in this incarnation. I sense my ego was having a field day with this midlife race to complete the bucket list. When in doubt, look to the ego!
Maybe all consciousness is perpetually on the road to no-where. I just hope I can grab one last slice of German chocolate cake and take it to go.