All I know is that I need to write something tonight. I have much to say but most of it I am reluctant to share, not just yet. What I will say is that my life has been scarier than usual ever since the old oak tree was cut down. Some events have felt almost biblical and not in a good way. When or if the time is right, I will go into detail.
What has become clear is that I still am so easily triggered and my inability to trust is still intact. When push comes to shove, my defenses take hold and the walls go up. Being single and growing old alone has made me very self protective and often anxious. One might say, ironically, afraid of my own shadow. I have pointed out over the past months that transiting Saturn, Uranus, and Pluto have been making hard aspects ( conjunctions, oppositions, or squares) to planets and other parts of my natal chart. I have experienced this mostly as sludge, unexpected disruptions and losses, and living nightmares. There are moments when I wonder if I can survive all of this chaos and terror. I sought out some help for myself and was hopeful. I found a therapist and ended it quickly. Boy he was terrible! I wanted to wait it out but my intuition was screaming ” He does not care about you, hell he doesn’t even like you. ” This is very odd because I have had several therapists over the years and most of them were good. A few were really good. I did not anticipate that I would fare so poorly. But I have not given up and will eventually find someone. My spiritual practices and other coping skills are simply not cutting it.
But all is not lost. I noticed a subtle shift last evening. It happened after I began reading The Divine Design by Lorie Ladd. I just read a few pages but while perusing the table of contents I knew that this was special and important. Reading about the waves of lightworkers, taking in some of the majesty of Earth’s history and reliving the 1987 Harmonic Convergence through her words reminded me that I do belong here. I feel some tears welling up and I consider how unsafe I have felt lately and how unsafe the planet feels to me. How could this not be true for someone as sensitive as I ? Reading a small part of her book gave me comfort and a sense of safety. Right before falling asleep I asked for some sign or message to find me in dreamtime. I kept it vague because I was not sure what I wanted. I recall 2 dream fragments: One was about my beloved dead uncle looking younger that he was when I knew him. He was so happy and kind and he bought me new clothes. I tried one of the shirts on and I felt loved and cared for. Later I was around a group of people and was told that some of us could be Elements. I did not know what that meant but it sounded right to me. I saw the person in charge with a group of people and this caught me by surprise as I wanted to discuss this with him alone. Yet I asked him anyway if I could be an Element and he said yes.
Now for the weird part! Last evening I saw an email for a new tv show about love and astrology and decided I would watch it today. It is called Cosmic Love. I began to watch the first episode which assembled a group of young beautiful singles looking for love, nothing new here. But the catch is that they would be assigned matches by their astrological charts. Two men and two women were chosen to be the main contestants who would be matched among the rest of the group. Each of the four was either a fire, water, air, or earth sun sign. For the entire series these four people would be referred to as the Elements. So how about that?
The show is a bit cheesy but I am enjoying the astrology of it. Per usual I clearly feel the energy of the Pisces men as very familiar. I do not think this series will be nominated for any Emmy Awards but it is a treat to see a tv show that discusses the rising signs, moon, mercury, venus, mars and the nodes, as well as the 12 houses in synastry. So maybe we can both hold 2 realities , cosmic love and threat of nuclear war in the Ukraine? I am kidding here ( sort of ).
To wrap up this somewhat disparate post, I will share a song with you. Billy Joel really “gets me. ” When his album The Stranger came out around 1977 , I thought many of the songs applied to me. I think this one in particular , She’s Always a Woman to Me, still applies. I realize that I shared this song in a blog years before. While I prefer not to duplicate media, this song really resonates with my current insecurity, desire to do better, and difficulty with embodiment. I recognize we are all being tested to various degrees and that I can shift in a simple moment….
WP is not cooperating so I will not share the song lyrics, but will share one line: She can ask for the truth but she’ll never believe you. I did that today, yesterday, and many days before that. I truly wish I can finally get to the place where I attract positive people and circumstances so I can throw away my need for due diligence. Or better yet, operate on the assumption that I am safe here. Maybe when Pluto and Uranus move out of these scary places in my unconscious.
In the meantime I will keep reading, look for a great therapist, keep setting intentions, and make room for guidance to find me.
images courtesy of Josephine Wall