Today is only a few days before Halloween. It is also a day graced with my signature Astro combo, Scorpio Sun and Gemini Moon, I usually live for these rare days and feel the most alive. Not this year. The energy remains until tomorrow so perhaps the magic will kick in. I the meantime I set myself up for an adventure yesterday that was both horrible and filled with lessons. Sometimes the depth of my shadows are quite overwhelming. Yet I am grateful that I saw the lessons and now have the chance to do the work that remains.
I was doing fine in the morning. While on a work call I felt throbbing pains in my side. They continued a few more times. I was concerned but decided to keep working. As the day dragged on the symptoms worsened. Nausea, lack of appetite, hot and cold body rushes, overall weakness and ickiness. I received an email that proved synchronous about health. Later I spoke with my doctor about possible appendicitis. He agreed I needed to get a CT Scan and go to the ER.
I absolutely hate the ER but actually had a touching encounter the last time I was in a similar situation, I encountered this woman and her mother who were there for me as I awaited some answers. It was so long since I had people around when I was sick. I knew it was a destined moment to meet this woman. I still think of her and how she made me feel. So I entered this adventure with hope. I found parking right by the entrance although the lot was packed. The car in front of me had 7777 on its plate. This seemed promising so far.
Long story short, I imploded , then exploded, then imploded to a darker place. I was convinced that I might die and it was fine because this life needed to end. I deserved to suffer because I was unlovable at my core. All of my darkness was shown to me outside of me. My bitter, cold, snarky side was in full display. I realized that no one cared about me and I would die as I lived, abandoned and alone. The hours dragged on and my pain increased. I was told not to take my blood pressure medication which you are not supposed to miss. So I could die from the withdrawal or a burst appendix or a botched surgery or some other reason. People probably die from mistakes or neglect every day. The death spiral continued. I thought this all lined up because I am supposed to die before my birthday. No one will know for days or longer. Most people will find out on Facebook. Maurice will not know because he unfriended me, But he would not care anyway because when he was my my Facebook Friend he was not there at all to support me. He lurked in silence mostly. Herman would never know either because no one would tell him. I realized that so many people I love are on the Other Side. Will Rick take me home like he agreed? Is he watching me now? Does he really care or was that just a momentary lapse? I thought about Emily, Olivia, and Marie. It would be so nice to hug them and talk with them again. Plus the other friends and family I miss. Maybe I have done enough. Or maybe I took on way too much and was never going to succeed. So much of my life went off track. Why did I mess this up if I am an old soul? I knew I was right all along as a child who did not trust this strange family and unwelcoming planet. I was not ready for my mission. Sure I have helped people, But I did not do right by myself,
Eventually I go my CT scan and got an ER room. This was about 7 hours since my arrival. It was after 3am when I was discharged. i was left with no explanation why I was so sick and told I had abnormal findings on other parts of my body that I thought were fine. So basically I do not have appendicitis and I may have other potentially fatal issues, Or not. This was not a good day and my behavior for the most part was not a good look.
I was beginning to question my spiritual awakening. It seemed like I was just as broken as I ever was. I doubted the last few months of my life as nothing more than an elaborate illusion. My inner bitch was acting out and I was not a fan. I was being reactive, pessimistic, and full of despair and loathing. All the 12th house sludge was prominently out on display. I decided that now that I will be leaving the hospital that if I do not die in an accident due to being too exhausted to drive, that I will return to my identity from late 2025, Just my old school dead inside, paranoid but extremely helpful self, I will live a life of service and forget whatever nonsense I concocted out of ignorance and fantasy. NO more Maurice drama and no more Kundalini. Less ups an downs and more predictability. Less risk and more plodding along. Safe spirituality with most of the doors closed, including the doorway to my heart. I would be free of the rollercoaster ride and free of all the pain that accompanied it.
I slept soundly without any dream recall. The alarm clock said 11:11 when I woke up. I was so happy to be home. Honestly it felt like I was gone for a week. I cannot fully describe it but it took me a few hours today to adjust to being home. I was not given any drugs to impair my faculties. I wonder if I was so hell bent on death that I left my reality to some degree. I am not certain. I was feeling suicidal. I cannot tell you what it has been life to get so sick at least once a month for over three years. To spend another birthday weak and housebound due to medication side effects was so depressing. It still could happen, it is not off the table. When I consider that all the inner work has not improved my health, I feel impotent. I guess I am back in Dark Night of the Soul Territory.
I do not feel hopeless anymore. I see that I still have plenty of work to do regarding self love. But it does not mean that I have not made inroads. This hellscape yesterday showed me just more layers of despair and self loathing. I still feel lost and quite lonely. But I hope that I will be on Earth longer. Maybe I am actually closer to awakening. I want to remain open. Maybe i needed to be shown how powerful my thoughts are. Maybe I twisted my symptoms into a narrative that illuminated a life and death dilemma. Part of me is really tired of all the suffering and loss. I do not think I was ever ready for this lifetime. I do not have between life recall but I imagine that I took no way too much. I have met many soul family, especially karmic mates. My family of origin play their parts incredibly well in service of making me feel alien, immoral, and unworthy of love. Yet I found my passions early. My love of astrology, writing, music, visual art, travel, the unseen, and pure adventure. I found my career as a healer. My gifts mostly came online in my teenage years. Yet I feel that I did not live wisely. Not because I did not care about life but because I was so paralyzed by fear.
Tomorrow is another day and I hope to live it here. I do still worry about my health and my future. But I am more aware of how much darkness I can conjure up. I am not sure why my guides let me do this but maybe they are letting me exercise free will. In the meantime I am will see if the Scorpio Gemini combo serves me well until the Moon moves into Cancer. We only get these energies once a year if we are lucky enough to notice they exist. Maybe I can use these discoveries to my advantage and see them as another bridge towards toward wholeness and clarity. I still detest 12th house transit so why wouldn’t I manifest a man who writes books about the gifts of the 12th house? I cannot make this stuff up, or can I ?
