Please play this while reading : Collide
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You’re barely waking
And I’m tangled up in you
Fitting words from the song Collide by Howie Day for an experience that really defies the limits of human communication. This looks like the beginning of a romantic love story. Looks though, can be deceiving! On January 30th, Uranus the Awakener ( modern ruler of Aquarius) is in full force. Today also marks the Chinese New Year, the Year of the Wood Horse. I chose today on this rare Black Moon, the Aquarius New Moon ( a few degrees behind my Ascendant) that also features Mercury conjunct Neptune to post my offering for my participation in Barbara’s January Challenge on Awakening. Thank you Barbara for giving me a nudge to look back at this time in order to gain some perspective and share with others.
It is an auspicious time to herald new awakenings ( Aquarius/Uranus) and write about mystical openings ( Mercury conjunct Neptune). I am not claiming to be enlightened or awakened, far from it. Growth to me is both cyclic and nonlinear in nature. I envision a spiral when I reflect on my life thus far. I have moved through life with many highs and lows, but each time a challenge comes, I emerge somewhat changed and move further along the larger individual /collective spiral. I will now attempt to describe an experience that was otherworldly and incredibly trans-formative. While my memories have faded, I still see that this glimpse beyond the veil has relevance in my present life. There have been many other openings before, and many since. But this particular time it was all about love. And love is all that really prevails in the energetic field of consciousness. I chose the song Collide because it was popular during the Summer of 2005 when I experienced this brief but poignant opening. In fact I crafted my first blog series ~ The Collision Series, with both this song and that awakening in mind to illustrate how subtle awakenings can trigger a new ( or renewed) way of BEing.
It helps to have some background, a context for my journey. I did not fit in as a child. I felt alone, awkward, misunderstood, and unimportant. My parents desperately wanted a child, but not the one that they got! Some respite was found in my imagination. My inner world and my curiosity were my refuge. The occasional teacher or neighbor offered guidance and a more progressive outlook. I also had a chance as a small child to visit my great – aunt and great – uncle a few times and use their art supplies. I recall feeling excited and so at peace creating and learning about art, and feeling more understood by them than other adults in my family. I have a feeling that they were people who I had more in common with, but I will never know. I did not get an opportunity to know them well.
Fear, anger, and upheaval were a constant growing up in my complex, dysfunctional family. My parents were not equipped to love me in the way that I needed. It took years for this truth to become clear to me. I also felt isolated because we moved so often. I never knew my extended family very well because they lived far away from us. I began to gain some footing, however, once my progressed sun moved from Scorpio to Sagittarius. I made some new friends that I could trust and thrived in their company. Yet when I began to heavily experiment with drugs and started having vivid dreams and heightened psychic abilities, I was utterly alone. I had no one to confide in. I eventually shut down out of fear. I attributed these ” experiences” to be artificially drug induced and unimportant. So I minimized them and packed them away for a while.
Once I left home, moved into my own apartment out of state, and began my senior year in college I met a coworker who would days later become my boyfriend. Within less than 2 weeks, my life had dramatically shifted! This was an extraordinary time. He was involved in a spiritual cult based on Indian meditation and philosophical practices. I did not approve of his dependence on this “teacher” Osho/Rajneesh, but I was open to exploring my spirituality again. While I avoided involvement in anything cultish, my knowledge of astrology, dream-work, meditation, and metaphysics accelerated. I remained open and met more people ” on the path”. In graduate school a student led me to meditation classes at a center on South St. This is where I first saw the material from A Course in Miracles. This center organized a retreat in the Pocono mountains. A couple I met at the retreat instantly bonded with me and invited me to a raw foods spiritual group. And on and on it goes.. I experimented with many teachings such as channeled lessons, RAMTHA, raw food, A Course in Miracles, Hindu and Buddhist practices, Quakerism,and a few I no longer remember. I am so grateful for the people I met and the knowledge acquired.
Between two worlds
In 2004 I was very busy in the outer world. I had 2 demanding jobs; I was recovering from a devastating breakup with a coworker; I was fully ensconced in my Quaker Meeting community, and I was editing and co-writing a book with my friend. I had just transferred to a new unit at my government social service job, but (to quote Prince in Raspberry Beret ) ” Seems that I was busy doing something close 2 nothing, but different than the day before.” My duties had become stagnant and stale in this toxic, soul-depleting environment. I knew I needed a change but my efforts to find a new job were unsuccessful. I was also looking to buy a house. Surprisingly, I could not find the right property. I typically find whatever I like eventually, so this really had me baffled. So I sought out a clearness committee. Within Quakerism, the clearness committee represents a process for discernment. I also continued meeting with my spiritual advisor about figuring out my calling and defining next steps. I felt loved and supported outside of work, and tormented by ghosts and adversaries on the job. I also loved my editing/writing and it kept me going. Life was busy and moving at a rapid pace.
One day I was invited to attend a weekend workshop at Pendle Hill. Pendle Hill is a Quaker center in Wallingford, PA that is internationally known for Spirit-led learning, retreat, and community. My meeting agreed to pay for half of the tuition and Pendle Hill would absorb the remainder. I was so excited to get away, if even for just a long weekend. My book was about mystical experiences and my interest in the ethereal was heightened. I hoped to meet people with similar interests.
The first evening we gathered around in a large circle at the beautiful conference room at Brinton House and introduced ourselves. A couple of much younger people were sitting at the opposite end of this majestic room with beautiful hardwood floors and a cathedral ceiling. A young man with a foreign accent began to speak. I will call him “James”. He used few words and was very soft-spoken. But I distinctly heard him say ” I have had a few mystical experiences.” No one else mentioned this topic that evening. I took it as a sign to introduce myself. The next morning I bravely went up to James and asked him if he would be willing to speak with me. He said we could talk after the workshop was over. James was new on staff at the retreat center and worked as a gardener. He had just returned from extensive travel overseas and actually grew up just a few miles away. I was nervous about talking with him because he was so much younger than I, and I was feeling an attraction towards him that was subtle but uncomfortable. For the remainder of the weekend James would join my table for meals and look over at me during class sessions. He was observing me and again I was a bit unsettled.
We got together at the end of the weekend. We talked for hours about anything and everything. We had so much in common despite the age difference. Time and space dissipated. I told him things about myself that my closest friends did not know. I think this was because I figured I would never see him again. He was just staying here temporarily in- between his travels. I saw the faces and smiles of all the men in my past in his expressions and his gaze. Light radiated from his eyes and it was dazzling and brilliant. I knew him and yet I did not know him. Venus had just gone retrograde ( on my moon) and conjoined the sun a couple weeks before. It was about to station near my IC in just 2 days. But I was not thinking about Venus because I was not looking for love…
In the year that followed , my life moved along. I had lost touch with James. The book project was suspended indefinitely, because my friend was distracted with other concerns. Work was tense and isolating. I continued to look for a house and a new job. I also continued to attend Quaker worship and meet with my advisor. I felt angry, tired, sad, and lonely. Neptune was slowly making its way towards my Ascendant at this time. I was looking forward to this major transit, but had no expectations on how it would manifest in me. I noticed that Pendle Hill was offering a class on spiritual discernment. The same class was offered the year before and it looked really interesting. I received financial support for attending a 5 day class in the middle of Summer. I recall that I was put on a waiting list for the spiritual discernment class and another class that was offered a few weeks later. I eventually was contacted that there was a spot for me in the spiritual discernment class! Neptune would land on my Ascendant the very first night of the class. How exciting! My intentions were clear for this 5 day class/ retreat. I was very focused on my goal – to decide whether or not to quit my full-time job and to consider new ways of following my calling.
I arrived to the center very stressed out and anxious. I was so eager to submerge myself in the calm yet powerful energies of Pendle Hill. Upon arrival that evening at Brinton House, I went to the large wooden conference room after I unpacked my bags. It was around sunset and I felt a presence. I felt a sense of peace and excitement in the silence. It was familiar somehow. A Divine Spark was about to be ignited. I thought about James, the young man I met here in this very room. I had figured he was back traveling and creating new adventures for himself. Yet it seemed like he was in the room with me! On the first evening we all gathered in the main dining area for dinner. I went into the kitchen with my tray to get some dinner. I saw a young man working in the kitchen who looked a bit familiar but he had long hair and a beard. Literally a few seconds later a woman in the room shouted ” James!” and he turned around. It was him! He was still HERE. I was partially in shock, but also felt a sense of confirmation that my intuition was in full gear back at the classroom. The next day I saw James at breakfast and we looked at one another. When he was right behind me while emptying our trays. I simply said hello and smiled. He responded by calling me by name and declaring that I came back here to take the class I was curious about last year. How did he know? He then suggested we get together later. My head was spinning. Here I am with a strong mission and focus and this person comes back into my life. All of the sudden I feel myself being pulled into this vortex. How will I handle this cosmic curve ball?
We did meet for a few hours on the day before I was scheduled to leave. Like before, we just talked and talked and talked and talked some more. I was so blown away by our time together that I forgot when dinner was served and showed up an hour late. James was startled to hear I was leaving the next day , so he asked to meet again after my classes were over, just like last summer. I knew intuitively that there was something incomplete between us, so I agreed to meet one last time.
We met after my class ended , outside on this sweltering July afternoon. That’s when it happened. I could tell you where we sat and about the weather ( close to 100 degrees the entire week!) but I would be remiss to be able to logically explain what happened next. I felt like our spirits merged. I was totally understood and loved in a way that was new to me. Love without expectations. He wanted no-thing from me in return. I had never experienced this before! We just listened to each other and let silence in, and shared who we are at a soul level. It seemed like we were blending our energies in our words and actions. Neptune was on my Ascendant so perfect timing was in play. I did not realize it at the time, but I was getting an upgrade. There was no instruction manual. I doubt it would have made a difference anyway. I was on a magic carpet ride and there was no turning back!
While we were having our marathon encounter , I had a very unique thought. I heard my inner voice say ” If I were to die right now, it would be fine. I am at peace because I am totally understood , seen, accepted, and known.” In fact at certain moments it felt like I was already in a higher dimension having my life review. I was touched by Divine Love and everything was aligned. It was not about the young man really. Referencing our astrological synastry or the telepathy between us or other links is really superfluous in this case. To quote what my friend, the talented psychic and astrologer Robert Graham , said when I later told him about what happened, ” He is just a clue.” What I mean here is that my openness to James created a portal to the Divine. Months later when we discussed our relationship, he admitted that when we are together, he would transcend. I learned or should I say re-membered about the power and magic of combining energies and raising the combined frequencies. A 3rd semi-distinct consciousness was created when we were together. I was in a haze after we said goodbye. I walked around the grounds and saw light in the silence. I drove home on a busy interstate highway, but the car was driving me. Typically this road is scary and intimidating for me, but that evening I was lost in song and the car seemed to glide on the road. I lost all sense of time and space. I have no idea how I got home.
For a few more days I stayed with the light and bliss. I only had contact with James a few more times. But I realized that Robert was correct in that this man was not a goal. James was representative of the divine in action. I had reflected intently on an exercise held towards the end of the spiritual discernment class where we reviewed the names of various roles posted on the walls and recorded which ones were part of our calling. Mystic was one of the choices . I decided that I was in fact a mystic, or at least a beginner mystic. I was very drawn to Rumi for inspiration. The poetry of Rumi was very helpful in showing me examples of the Cosmic Union. This was not about romantic love at all and I saw that clearly. We were very intimately linked but not like romantic lovers. He was everything and nothing. He was family and a stranger all wrapped into one. We were so similar and yet so different. This experience was exquisitely a meeting of 2 energetic beings in a very strong portal ( Pendle Hill) at a time where Neptune was coming to my Ascendent. Time and Space collided in such a way to bring this potentiality into form.
When I returned to work after my vacation, events occurred in a way that revealed it was time to move on. My Clearness committee was very helpful in assisting me in clarifying my experiences. So I lived on my ” house money” and quit my job before finding a new one. I was scared and liberated at the same time. I continued to notice light and symmetry in the silence, especially in nature. Communion with birds often triggered an opening for me. I discovered that Pendle Hill and Longwood Gardens were “power places” for me. Eckhart Tolle talks about these portals in The Power of Now. My perspective on love between humans shifted as well. I now had a glimpse of what is truly real. Love without conditions. Love that pulsates all around us and within us. The song Collide is written from the man’s point of view and I believe it mirrors how I imagine James felt about our time together. Having said that; this song also resonates at a more cosmic level , especially the first section.
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You’re barely waking
And I’m tangled up in you
The dawn was breaking within my being and the light was beginning to enter my awareness. I was barely waking to what waits beyond the physical plane. The entanglement was both between myself and this young man , and also occurring at the quantum level. Was this awakening fleeting, ephemeral and anomalous? Was it a miracle in the purest sense of the word? Am I still wondering what more can happen as Neptune continues to spend many more years in my 1st house?
Collide live Still with me? Thank you if you read this entire story! This soulful version of the song , complete with a string section , is performed on the Dave Letterman show a few months before my experience. Notice how he mentions this track was mysteriously re-released?( and coincided with my awakening) Collide is the backdrop for that feeling of awakening and I was also re-released! Please click the link above ( Collide live) and feel the bliss.
related posts ~ if you read or re-read these posts again, you will better understand my muse….
Tomorrow: January 31st, Michael – http://navigator1965.wordpress.com
artwork by the transcendent Josephine Wall
Quick update: Funny how the time/space continuum likes to play with us. I chose these Josephine Wall images weeks ago in anticipation of this post. I used the top one, The Key to Eternity, as the primary image to capture the essence of my story. Notice the owl beside the purple rose? Well, the night before I completed and published this tale, I went to the dining room to draw down the shades and spotted what looked like a large ball of ice on my terrace railing. It seemed so out of place. Upon further inspection , the ice ball was in fact a large bird. It turned around to face me and I saw that it was an owl. I have never seen one up close before! It was amazing how it turned around to make my acquaintance, then swiftly turned back around and flew off with the most strong majestic wings. It reminded me of an eagle in flight. I take this as a sign that the universe approved of my image selection and my awakening story.
1st Barbara – http://memymagnificentself.wordpress.com
2nd Paddy – http://paddypicasso.wordpress.com
3rd Emanuel- http://emantable.com/musings-of-a-table/
6th Julianne – http://juliannevictoria.com
7th Sarah – http://theskycladwriter.wordpress.com
8th Shree – http://heartsongsblog.wordpress.com
9th Dace – http://mywaytotruth.wordpress.com
10th Korinn – http://www.korinn.com
11th Sindy – http://bluebutterfliesandme.wordpress.com
12th Stefanie – http://dancingwithstefanie.com
13th Mick – http://meticulousmick.wordpress.com
15th Megan – http://mychroniclifejourney.wordpress.com
16th Pat – http://patinspire.org
17th Marga – http://lifeasimprov.com
18th Kimberley – http://kimberlyharding.wordpress.com
21st Heather – http://wildflowerwomen.wordpress.com
23rd Sue – http://suedreamwalker.wordpress.com
24th M… – http://seeingm.wordpress.com
25th Brian G – http://middlepane.com
26th Dotta – http://dottaraphels.wordpress.com
27th CW – http://sunflowerrosecw.wordpress.com
28th Laurie – http://lauriesnotes.wordpress.com
29th Debra – http://ptero9.com
30th Linda – https://lindalitebeing.wordpress.com
31st Michael – http://navigator1965.wordpress.com
1st Leigh – http://bluegrassnotes.wordpress.com
2nd Shaman – http://shamanictracking.com
3rd Joss – http://crowingcrone.com
4th Jenna – http://jennadee222.wordpress.com
5th Shelley – http://livingwithshadows.wordpress.com
6th Elisabeth – http://almostspring.com
7th Michael – http://embracingforever.com