Back and Forth

Hello to new readers, longtime followers, and fellow writers! I have been doing some musing on this sunny Sunday afternoon , eager to share with all who are curious. Today’s theme is the back and forth movement of my thoughts.

I am happy to report that today makes one year working at my group practice. The year went slowly and quickly, as most do in my view. I see this as a milestone though, since 2020 and 2021 was filled with so much uncertainty. I am blessed to work remotely and am grateful that telehealth is still being supported by  employers , clients, and insurance companies. As the year unfolded, I inched closer to being able to apply for permission to sit for the LCSW exam. I submitted my application and am waiting for all 4 of my supervisors to submit the necessary paperwork. This process has led me down a rabbit hole or two. I see why I avoided this process as long as I could. I knew it would be arduous and complicated and the actual real-time experience did not disappoint.  In fact, it was more arduous and difficult than I could imagine.  In five years I went through 3 jobs, 4 supervisors, and periods of layoffs.  I am closer to the finish line and wonder how I will feel when I have received this elusive credential. All the while I noticed that so much else is missing from my life. And that is still the case. Yet focusing on arranging my life to fulfill these requirements has distracted me from expanding in other ways, primarily socially. The pandemic just deepened the chasm of loneliness for me.

Many questions have surfaced:

Will I complete the requirements before the 6 year deadline?

Can I trust the supervisors to complete the paperwork since a few were either unreliable or difficult to pin down?

What will I focus on after this is completed?

Will all this effort really help me expand my career and calling?

Why does manifestation seem so difficult lately?

How do I get in my own way?

Cheers to me for having the foresight that this would be a long, drawn out, aggravating journey. I still wonder why it turned out this way for me and not for everyone, but that doesn’t really help much. I do think it is possible that this was a self fulfilling prophecy. I think some of it has to do with my difficulty asking for help and interacting with authority figures. Although I have worked hard at both, I do not enjoy being at the mercy of other people. I understand the root causes, but have not been able to successfully surrender. This has led to many a sleepless night. It is still possible that I won’t get the credential, but I would like to believe that this fear is not based on reality. I am not a detail person, and as such, when I become overwhelmed I fixate on the details. This is one expression of the INFJ personality type.  People who are represented by this archetype can perseverate on details under stress.  This describes me to a T.

I can imagine the possibilities of doing creative work and finding ways to integrate Astrology and a spiritual orientation. I am excited about what I have created so far. Working remotely has allowed me to see people who live farther away who I would not otherwise  know.  Kinda like blogging in that way, allowing me to broaden my scope.  I still have that nagging feeling that time is getting away from me, but I must focus on making a living.

I also go back and forth about moving. I had gotten a strong nudge to find a new home a few months ago and my lease is currently up for renewal. Yet when I realized this is not the market for people seeking rentals, I reconsidered this idea. I am willing to spend a bit more for a nicer place, but not to pay over inflated prices. Also my lease is up in August and that is a fiercely active Uranian time period, fraught with unexpected mishaps and difficulties. The Uranus transit opposes my natal Sun and Mercury and squares my Ascendant/ Descendant axis. This is very destabilizing.  So I continue to be careful with money and to learn to better access the quantum field. The quantum really is the solution to any problem or question, but how to be quantum is another matter entirely ( get the ironic wordplay?)  I keep up with radical acceptance and gratitude work to get me to calm down and be more in the flow. This is not easy for me, but I have become rather adept at navigating difficulties. However, my physical body often pays a price. So I have learned to love my body and listen to it more.

Please comment and let me know your reactions or if you can relate to my current mood.

Before I go, let me share more recent Spring photos from the ‘ hood :

swing and rocking chair images courtesy of pexels.com, public domain